“Mhmmmrgggh… sleeeep…”
Urgh, I want to continue sleeping, body…
My head felt groggy. Was I just lazy, or was my sleep that bad? Sure, I kinda did want to go back to bed but seeing how I was sleeping on the ground, I forced myself up. Massaging my temple for a few seconds was enough to soothe this annoyance.
As I slowly woke up, my ears could hear a crackling sound a few feet away from me. From recent events, I could only think of thunderbolts and electricity but the warmth emanating from it made it clear it had to be a flame or something similar.
Scrubbing the sleep from my eyes, I opened them, wanting to know where I was as I couldn’t remember falling asleep.
“So, where-ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!”
“Hestia?!”
Pain! Pain! Pain! Pain! MY EYES! ARRRRGH, MY HEAD!
As I opened my eyes, something blue shined into and overstimulated them to the point it felt like thousands of needles were piercing my brain. Information overloaded my head for some reason, even sending my parallel minds in chaos. [Absolute Pain Tolerance] was helping but I still couldn’t let go of my head at all. The stream of blue was never ending!
‘Close your eyes, original mind! Hestia, close your damn eyes!’ Manager Mind screamed like a harpy with that order.
‘Stop screaming! Stop screaming already, arrrrrgh!’ #2 shrieked in agony.
‘Please, Original Mind, close your eyes. It’s too much! We can’t process all of it!’ #3 pleaded.
‘Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop speaking!’
The absolute mayhem inside my mind was pure torture. I didn’t need my other selves shouting at me to do something. It already hurt enough without them going crazy!
However, their advice wasn’t dumb. Closing my eyes did help. All the blue disappeared. The information was still inside my head, but my parallel minds were doing their best to dump everything out, erasing them as if they never existed.
If only they could just stop screaming while they did so, then I would be actually thankful for them! I really loved having headaches every time I woke up in an unknown place I didn’t even know about. Oh, who would have thought I would awaken to such a weird fetish? Right?!?!
‘‘‘Sorry…’’’ my parallel minds apologized.
‘Urgh, whatever. Honestly, guys…’
“Hestia! Are you ok?!” somebody called for me.
“Lady Hestia, I’m coming!” another shouted.
I was unable to see them due to my closed eyes, but my ears could clearly recognize their distinctive voices, any time, any day.
Saori? Tasianna? Isn’t that their voi-wait…u rghhhh, noooooooooo!
“Stay back, stay back! Stay back! Please, stay away from me!” I howled like crazy as I turned my head away from Saori’s and Tasianna’s voices.
Still closing my eyes, I crawled away from them as if I was trying to flee. Panic and confusion assaulted me as the memories of what happened before I fell unconscious quickly came back to me, being released from Pandora's box with a simple voice command.
The blood, the red-soaked viscera on the ground, and all the crumbs of what used to be living beings, lying before my feet in a puddle of my own handiwork. A normal girl would feel nausea from this revolting memory… but I, unfortunately, wasn’t one.
No fear. No terror. No disgust. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. None of the bad feelings that should be there, was there! Why wasn't it there?! Where was my fucking conscience?! … Of course, it was gone ‘cause I was a dragon.
“Hestia, stop! You’ll hit the w-”
Oof!
Okay, so not only did I wake up to a mind-numbing headache, but I also bumped my forehead and then landed on the back of my head? Goodness gracious. This was a rude awakening. At least this wouldn't leave a scar or bruise.
“Lady Hestia, are you ok?!” a clear voice called for me.
“No, Tasianna! Stay… .stay away from me, please!” I cried out while stretching my hand to stop her from coming anywhere closer.
“B-But Lady Hestia, I j-just wanted…” The quivering voice of my fairy friend made my already confused state even worse, as I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore.
“Hestia, is something wrong?” Saori’s worried voice stabbed my heart, causing me to feel even worse.
“Wrong? Wrong… Of course, there is something wrong. It’s me!” I stated.
“W-What do you mean by that?” Saori further asked.
"I-I… I'm dangerous," I said, still with closed eyes. "I'm dangerous to both of you. Haven't you two realized this?! I'm dangerous."
I had never thought about this stuff ever since the first month of my new life, having accepted my new identity as a dragon and this reality to survive. Killing was normal, especially after I understood I needed to do so for levels. It was literally survival of the fittest.
Feeling bad for every single animal I kill, so I could eat, would have made me gone mad, so I didn’t. I guess, my mindset underwent a change due to becoming a dragon as the guilt for taking another’s life slowly died out after my meeting with the garm matriarch.
Until now.
“Hold on, what are you trying to say? How are you dangerous to us? Are you talking about what happened before you fell unconscious?” Saori assumed, trying to understand the situation. “Hestia, we already checked everything there. That was just a bunch of monsters… you did not do anything to us if you are worried about that. We barely made it to the scene after you dashed off because of your [Battle Frenzy].”
“That's not the point, Sao-arrrghhhh, verdammte scheiße!” wanting to speak back made me instinctively look at Saori’s eyes, but that also meant the blue screen came back.
Verdammt nochmal, have you guys found the damn cause yet?! Oh, you guys did? I spoke to my parallel minds, who somehow found the source for this annoying new sight of mine.
“Lady Hestia?! This is the second time you’ve screamed this loud. Please, you have to let me do something-I- no, maybe drinking some tea might help your anxiety?” Tasianna pleaded, almost like she was desperate.
“No, no, I’m-I’m good. See? Nothing is wrong. S-Something just got into my eye,” I told them to reassure them.
[Mana Eyes] was at fault. ‘When did I get this skill?’ was what my parallel minds asked me, but it wasn’t like I could answer that.
Disabling the skill got rid of all the blue from my sight, allowing me to see my companions clearly again… but also the place I was currently in… another cave.
“W-Why, no, no, no, no, no! Why am I in a cave, AGAIN?!” I shouted, scratching my head in frustration. “Wait, that isn’t the point of this! Tasianna, stop coming closer!”
"Eek! Lady Hestia?" Tasianna flinched backward after I shouted in her face.
“Enough shouting! This… is erratic, even for you!" Saori replied to my sudden outburst.
“I told you already didn’t I?! I’m dangerous to you two, so stay away from me!” I answered. “You’ve seen what I could do! You’ve also seen what I did when [Battle Frenzy(Minor)] hadn’t appeared yet! I’ve hurt you just because I wanted to get out of that damn cave. I-I could’ve done the same to you, just like all those monsters.”
“Calm down, Hestia, what you are saying is an ‘if,’” Saori began. “Neither of us were hurt and, besides, you needed to let your frustration out due to [Battle Frenzy]. We understand, everything is alright.”
“You aren’t understanding me! You aren’t getting what I meant by that, Saori!” I cried out in irritation. “I don’t care that I killed that many monsters and turned them into a smoothie. That by itself is already fucked up! I don’t have a sense of how valuable life is anymore. I’m killing monsters left and right for survival and experience, but I know that I had to do it. If I wanted to live then I had to do that, however, I’ve never in my second life killed without a strict goal.”
Survival and experience, those were always my main reasons to hunt and kill monsters in the Belzac forest. I’d found fights to be exhilarating and watching my skills go up was a fun side activity too, but at worst, they were always a side product. They were never the reason for me to fight.
I didn’t kill for fun. I don’t kill in frustration. I didn’t kill for idiotic reasons. That was what kept me on the border of turning into a real monster. The idea of an idol killing everything willy-nilly was what kept me conscious of myself.
However, all of that was thrown out of the window when I learned I would blank out at [Battle Frenzy (Moderate)]. Did I turn into a berserker? Regardless what exactly happened, what was clear was I was a ticking bomb to the two most precious people to me in this world.
“That was a revolting sight. Blood everywhere, as if we were in a slaughterhouse. There was no finesse, no plan, just pure cold-blooded killing. ‘Did I really do that?’ was what I thought when I woke up after [Battle Frenzy (Moderate)] expired.” Drawing my head upwards to look into Saori’s eyes, I asked her one simple question. “Saori, would you be able to stop me?”
“Huh?” she gasped.
“I’m asking you if you could have stopped me in that scenario? If I had been consumed by my anger, would you have been able to stop me there, because I don’t think you could have. Even with Tasianna’s help.” I looked at them seriously, unwavering as I asked them that.
“‘Would we be able to stop you?’… I-I’m not sure what you mean by that.” Saori wavered with a pale face, obviously having already gotten the gist of my words.
“I mean, could you k-ki…ugh, could you ki— Fuck, I can’t say it!” Unable to say those words due to my own fear of death, I instead let go of my head and dropped my hands on the ground. “I can’t say it. I-I don’t want us to get in that scenario, but I also don’t want to hurt you. I can’t be like those cliché people who can just say ‘Kill me if I go mad.’ I can’t say it. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to fight you. I don’t want to hurt those who I care for. What am I supposed to do?”
“Hestia, you have to calm down first. I understand you’re scared but-”
Hearing that, I snapped my face back up. “Can you?! Can you understand what I’m going through, Saori?! Tell me… what am I? I’ve lost so many of my previous values already from becoming… this — a fire-breathing, flying, violent lizard. Can you honestly understand what I’m going through? Don’t you understand that I need to stay away from you two for your own saft-HUH!?”
I wanted to vent more of my frustration onto Saori but before I could,she hugged me.
“I don’t,” was her first words. “I don’t fully understand what you’re going through. There are moments where the blood goes up my head and I act on the impulse, but I never had it as intense as yours. We were both reborn as monsters, but I would be lying if I told you that I could 100% sympathize with you.”
I wanted to push her off me, but my shivering hands wouldn’t listen to my commands. They continued trembling in the air, moving not an inch from the spot. Meanwhile, Saori’s embrace became stronger, not allowing me to leave it.
“I know you are scared,” Saori hand moved to my head and began stroking it. “You don’t want to hurt us, but you also know that you can’t control [Battle Frenzy] right now. I also don’t want to fight you in earnest, Hestia. It would break my heart if that day were to come. You are my friend, Hestia. My complicated little friend. You and Tasiann, the both of you are my only family in this world.”
“Lady Hestia.” Hearing Tasianna’s voice coming from the side, I turned to her direction to see tears dropping down from her elven eyes as she was still using [Elvenize]. “I-I of all people can’t tell you anything in this situation. I’m still scared of fighting, but I also know I can’t be a help to you if I cower behind it. Watching you in this state makes me feel useless. I don’t want to see you in such agony.”
“I don’t want to hear you tell us to stay away, Hestia, because I cannot afford to lose you. Why are you trying to be alone? Don’t you hate being alone? Don’t you like us being around you?” Saori barraged me with questions, all piercing my heart like sharp needles, despite how fragile it was from seeing Tasianna cry.
“No, no, the two of you stopped me from going crazy in this place. I never want to be all alone, again. It’s… quiet and cold. As if there is a hole in my heart. But, but, what will happen if I go mad again? What if I can’t control it and go wild?” I still argued back despite remembering how I felt when I first met Saori. Her presence in my life gave me the energy to keep my sanity.
“It won’t happen again because that was all my fault. I told you to control yourself because I was worried that the wyverns would find us. I’m sorry for putting you through all of that,” Saori apologized as she tightened her grip around me.
“No, I was being stubborn about it. You told me I could break through the cave after I got [Battle Frenzy (Minor)], but I just said, ‘No, I can hold it in’ but I couldn’t. I didn’t get a skill to protect me from it and I blew up, and I-” I continuously spoke back before Saori started stroking my head again.
“Shhhhhhh, it’s alright. It’s alright. You don’t have to excuse me for my mistake. I thought it would be better to avoid the wyverns, but I didn’t account how much it would hurt you to hold it in. I was the one who made that terrible decision in the first place, a choice that negatively impacted you,” Saori said in a somber tone. “I failed not only as an adult but also as your friend at that point. Leaving you to be tortured by that malicious status effect should have never been a choice in the first place. I could have thought of something else, but I was… lazy. Blind. I couldn't see anything besides the one path I wanted us to go on. Perfectionist? Cautious? No, I am just a stubborn woman who’s just scared of losing everything, again."
I didn’t think she was being lazy at all. What other choices were there? The cave would have never survived a sparring session between the three of us. It was too cramp and any accidents could cause a cave-in.
Trying to widen the tunnel nearly caused the ceiling to drop down on us. If I had tried to drill up the ceiling, then what would have happened? I knew mountains, canyons, and other natural landmarks normally weren’t so fragile, but I also never saw one nearly collapsing due to a lightning blade cutting through it.
“You know, I sometimes also question who I really am. Am I still the same ‘Saori Segawa’ from my past life on Earth or am I somebody completely different who inherited her memories? After evolving into a cadejo, I changed a lot. My thoughts, my behavior, my flaws. Everything just got more intense.” Saori sighed before biting her lips. “Then there is also ‘my’ business with that leviathan and all this birthright and history my garm mother had. I… I don’t want to embrace any of it. It’s not the life I wanted nor the one I’ve chosen.”
Saori took a deep breath before continuing, “However, so many events in my past life were completely random, too. I never wanted my father to die when I was still in high school. He acted like a hero during work, and died protecting somebody as a fireworker. As a hero. However, while some cheered, he left his family behind.
Her grip became tighter.
“Mother’s mental health deteriorated, to the point I had to take care of her. College was a nightmare. Due to all the medical debts for Mother’s health, I needed to work and take care of her the moment I returned home, all while in college. I never wanted to take a teaching position. I wanted to travel the world or maybe write a thesis about a historical era. But, I needed the money, I needed to abandon my wishes for my family. I didn’t want to leave my sick mother all alone in Japan. I stirred in my sleep as I wished my mother was doing well. However, ‘Saori Segawa’ on Earth was dead, and here I am. That is life.”
As I was listening to her confessions, my tail suddenly felt something wet landing on it. The sound of Saori’s faltering voice made me lose all the agitation in my body, stopping my hands from trembling as I reciprocated Saori’s comforting hug.
"I've come to love many things while also despising others. I guess you could call me a bit of a control freak? I feel most comfortable when everything works exactly as I envisioned it to be. I shouldn't impose my ideals on others, but… I don’t feel safe when something could go wrong." Saori stayed silent for a moment. I finally understood why Saori was being so wary about our safety and financial status. She didn’t want to repeat what happened before, even if she had to assert her wishes in a forceful manner.
Now I understand why she mumbled about her father back then… I remembered her crying during the night before I went on the lizardmen rescue mission.
"You told me on the day we made our promise we would travel the world together, right? I still don’t know if I should embrace my lineage or not, but I guess you’re on the same boat, right? The leviathan said you could learn how to control it from Kargryxmor.”
“Lady Hestia, you’ve also told me you would show me the world. That we would travel together as you journey to fulfill your dream. I don’t want to leave you, yet, so please don’t push me away,” Tasianna said while still weeping. “Please, don’t leave me. I know I’m not much of a fighter and that I’m a worthless maid for being unable to alleviate your problems, but I wish to better myself. I wish to gain the strength to soothe your mind. Your fear of hurting others, I wish to be the one to protect you from that. I wish to become your shield who would fend off anything that may bring your pain. So your dream may come true.”
“Dark and Ice. We are here when that time comes, Hestia. We might not have the strength yet to stop you with your full strength, but you also haven’t found a way to resist it yet, right? We’ll support you until you can. As a teacher and your friend, I want to witness you stand on your stage, shining so incandescently to the point I would go blind. You found your conviction to perform, don’t lose it.” Saori urged me.
“I-I-I, you guys… hick! No,” I said as something slowly flowed down my eyes. I couldn’t stop my eyes from—
“Shhhh, no, no, no. Let it go. You’ve been holding it in for so many years. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to break that little promise of yours. Isn’t your current conviction enough to drive you forward? Even without that promise to hold you back, I would bet everything you will and cannot stop at this point. You will become a star, Hestia,” Saori uttered warmly.
“Hick… I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to leave either of you two. I want to master [Battle Frenzy] to make it my own so that I would never hurt anybody I love. I’m terrified of hurting either of you, but I don’t want to become a burden… hack, hick… by isolating myself,” I confessed as a dam opened in my tear ducts, releasing nearly five years of suppressed tears. “I’m so sorry for making either of you worry about me. I’m sorry I hurt you with those words. I regret losing sight of that for a moment.”
A puddle fell down from my cheeks, soaking Saori's fur-covered tail. I had just broken a promise. An oath to myself to never cry until I could become a real idol. I wanted to stop myself, but every word they said was pounding on my heart, like hammers breaking down a wall.
My chest hurt at this fact but somehow, deep inside, something there was feeling relief as my voice was quickly drowned out by my wails. Frustration, fear, envy, anger, disdain; every single emotion that kept producing my tears ever since I made my promise flowed out of my eyes. My body was determined to empty everything.
My soul wished me to forget and abandon it, now that it had tasted this freedom.
“… Make a new promise to me, Hestia. Tasianna guessed we should be in the 11th month now — AutumnSun. We can’t confirm it until our ‘Ages’ change, but when that happens then it should be about a month until Earth’s Christmas, right?” Saori stated as she kept stroking my back. "Would you… would you do us the honors of becoming your first two fans? I would love to listen to Hestia Atsuko Kargryxmor’s first idol concert in this world. There is still a lot of time until you have to perform, so that should be plenty enough for you to prepare everything. What do you say? Promise?”
“I PROMISE! I’ll give you a concert that will instantly make you into an idol fan. I will overwhelm you so much that you will scream for an encore. Saori and Tasianna, I will give you a concert you will never forget!” I screamed. “I promise to do this on Christmas Eve!”
With that passionate promise, I kept crying and crying, showing no signs of stopping as my body lost more and more fluids. Eventually, my eyes stopped weeping at midnight. The fatigue of releasing all of my tears made my body weak, instantly knocking me out and sending me back into dreamland.
I could already imagine how dry my eyes would be once I woke up. I cried for a full day. It was an unimaginable amount of water, but it was liberating. This five-year-old chain was finally broken.
I cried and I was proud of it.
AbyssRaven I want to cry myself now!
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Thank you for reading this chapter.
“Mhmmmrgggh… sleeeep…”
Urgh, I want to continue sleeping, body…
My head felt groggy. Was I just lazy, or was my sleep that bad? Sure, I kinda did want to go back to bed but seeing how I was sleeping on the ground, I forced myself up. Massaging my temple for a few seconds was enough to soothe this annoyance.
As I slowly woke up, my ears could hear a crackling sound a few feet away from me. From recent events, I could only think of thunderbolts and electricity but the warmth emanating from it made it clear it had to be a flame or something similar.
Scrubbing the sleep from my eyes, I opened them, wanting to know where I was as I couldn’t remember falling asleep.
“So, where-ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!”
“Hestia?!”
Pain! Pain! Pain! Pain! MY EYES! ARRRRGH, MY HEAD!
As I opened my eyes, something blue shined into and overstimulated them to the point it felt like thousands of needles were piercing my brain. Information overloaded my head for some reason, even sending my parallel minds in chaos. [Absolute Pain Tolerance] was helping but I still couldn’t let go of my head at all. The stream of blue was never ending!
‘Close your eyes, original mind! Hestia, close your damn eyes!’ Manager Mind screamed like a harpy with that order.
‘Stop screaming! Stop screaming already, arrrrrgh!’ #2 shrieked in agony.
‘Please, Original Mind, close your eyes. It’s too much! We can’t process all of it!’ #3 pleaded.
‘Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop speaking!’
The absolute mayhem inside my mind was pure torture. I didn’t need my other selves shouting at me to do something. It already hurt enough without them going crazy!
However, their advice wasn’t dumb. Closing my eyes did help. All the blue disappeared. The information was still inside my head, but my parallel minds were doing their best to dump everything out, erasing them as if they never existed.
If only they could just stop screaming while they did so, then I would be actually thankful for them! I really loved having headaches every time I woke up in an unknown place I didn’t even know about. Oh, who would have thought I would awaken to such a weird fetish? Right?!?!
‘‘‘Sorry…’’’ my parallel minds apologized.
‘Urgh, whatever. Honestly, guys…’
“Hestia! Are you ok?!” somebody called for me.
“Lady Hestia, I’m coming!” another shouted.
I was unable to see them due to my closed eyes, but my ears could clearly recognize their distinctive voices, any time, any day.
Saori? Tasianna? Isn’t that their voi-wait…u rghhhh, noooooooooo!
“Stay back, stay back! Stay back! Please, stay away from me!” I howled like crazy as I turned my head away from Saori’s and Tasianna’s voices.
Still closing my eyes, I crawled away from them as if I was trying to flee. Panic and confusion assaulted me as the memories of what happened before I fell unconscious quickly came back to me, being released from Pandora's box with a simple voice command.
The blood, the red-soaked viscera on the ground, and all the crumbs of what used to be living beings, lying before my feet in a puddle of my own handiwork. A normal girl would feel nausea from this revolting memory… but I, unfortunately, wasn’t one.
No fear. No terror. No disgust. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. None of the bad feelings that should be there, was there! Why wasn't it there?! Where was my fucking conscience?! … Of course, it was gone ‘cause I was a dragon.
“Hestia, stop! You’ll hit the w-”
Oof!
Okay, so not only did I wake up to a mind-numbing headache, but I also bumped my forehead and then landed on the back of my head? Goodness gracious. This was a rude awakening. At least this wouldn't leave a scar or bruise.
“Lady Hestia, are you ok?!” a clear voice called for me.
“No, Tasianna! Stay… .stay away from me, please!” I cried out while stretching my hand to stop her from coming anywhere closer.
“B-But Lady Hestia, I j-just wanted…” The quivering voice of my fairy friend made my already confused state even worse, as I wasn’t sure what I was doing anymore.
“Hestia, is something wrong?” Saori’s worried voice stabbed my heart, causing me to feel even worse.
“Wrong? Wrong… Of course, there is something wrong. It’s me!” I stated.
“W-What do you mean by that?” Saori further asked.
"I-I… I'm dangerous," I said, still with closed eyes. "I'm dangerous to both of you. Haven't you two realized this?! I'm dangerous."
I had never thought about this stuff ever since the first month of my new life, having accepted my new identity as a dragon and this reality to survive. Killing was normal, especially after I understood I needed to do so for levels. It was literally survival of the fittest.
Feeling bad for every single animal I kill, so I could eat, would have made me gone mad, so I didn’t. I guess, my mindset underwent a change due to becoming a dragon as the guilt for taking another’s life slowly died out after my meeting with the garm matriarch.
Until now.
“Hold on, what are you trying to say? How are you dangerous to us? Are you talking about what happened before you fell unconscious?” Saori assumed, trying to understand the situation. “Hestia, we already checked everything there. That was just a bunch of monsters… you did not do anything to us if you are worried about that. We barely made it to the scene after you dashed off because of your [Battle Frenzy].”
“That's not the point, Sao-arrrghhhh, verdammte scheiße!” wanting to speak back made me instinctively look at Saori’s eyes, but that also meant the blue screen came back.
Verdammt nochmal, have you guys found the damn cause yet?! Oh, you guys did? I spoke to my parallel minds, who somehow found the source for this annoying new sight of mine.
“Lady Hestia?! This is the second time you’ve screamed this loud. Please, you have to let me do something-I- no, maybe drinking some tea might help your anxiety?” Tasianna pleaded, almost like she was desperate.
“No, no, I’m-I’m good. See? Nothing is wrong. S-Something just got into my eye,” I told them to reassure them.
[Mana Eyes] was at fault. ‘When did I get this skill?’ was what my parallel minds asked me, but it wasn’t like I could answer that.
Disabling the skill got rid of all the blue from my sight, allowing me to see my companions clearly again… but also the place I was currently in… another cave.
“W-Why, no, no, no, no, no! Why am I in a cave, AGAIN?!” I shouted, scratching my head in frustration. “Wait, that isn’t the point of this! Tasianna, stop coming closer!”
"Eek! Lady Hestia?" Tasianna flinched backward after I shouted in her face.
“Enough shouting! This… is erratic, even for you!" Saori replied to my sudden outburst.
“I told you already didn’t I?! I’m dangerous to you two, so stay away from me!” I answered. “You’ve seen what I could do! You’ve also seen what I did when [Battle Frenzy(Minor)] hadn’t appeared yet! I’ve hurt you just because I wanted to get out of that damn cave. I-I could’ve done the same to you, just like all those monsters.”
“Calm down, Hestia, what you are saying is an ‘if,’” Saori began. “Neither of us were hurt and, besides, you needed to let your frustration out due to [Battle Frenzy]. We understand, everything is alright.”
“You aren’t understanding me! You aren’t getting what I meant by that, Saori!” I cried out in irritation. “I don’t care that I killed that many monsters and turned them into a smoothie. That by itself is already fucked up! I don’t have a sense of how valuable life is anymore. I’m killing monsters left and right for survival and experience, but I know that I had to do it. If I wanted to live then I had to do that, however, I’ve never in my second life killed without a strict goal.”
Survival and experience, those were always my main reasons to hunt and kill monsters in the Belzac forest. I’d found fights to be exhilarating and watching my skills go up was a fun side activity too, but at worst, they were always a side product. They were never the reason for me to fight.
I didn’t kill for fun. I don’t kill in frustration. I didn’t kill for idiotic reasons. That was what kept me on the border of turning into a real monster. The idea of an idol killing everything willy-nilly was what kept me conscious of myself.
However, all of that was thrown out of the window when I learned I would blank out at [Battle Frenzy (Moderate)]. Did I turn into a berserker? Regardless what exactly happened, what was clear was I was a ticking bomb to the two most precious people to me in this world.
“That was a revolting sight. Blood everywhere, as if we were in a slaughterhouse. There was no finesse, no plan, just pure cold-blooded killing. ‘Did I really do that?’ was what I thought when I woke up after [Battle Frenzy (Moderate)] expired.” Drawing my head upwards to look into Saori’s eyes, I asked her one simple question. “Saori, would you be able to stop me?”
“Huh?” she gasped.
“I’m asking you if you could have stopped me in that scenario? If I had been consumed by my anger, would you have been able to stop me there, because I don’t think you could have. Even with Tasianna’s help.” I looked at them seriously, unwavering as I asked them that.
“‘Would we be able to stop you?’… I-I’m not sure what you mean by that.” Saori wavered with a pale face, obviously having already gotten the gist of my words.
“I mean, could you k-ki…ugh, could you ki— Fuck, I can’t say it!” Unable to say those words due to my own fear of death, I instead let go of my head and dropped my hands on the ground. “I can’t say it. I-I don’t want us to get in that scenario, but I also don’t want to hurt you. I can’t be like those cliché people who can just say ‘Kill me if I go mad.’ I can’t say it. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to fight you. I don’t want to hurt those who I care for. What am I supposed to do?”
“Hestia, you have to calm down first. I understand you’re scared but-”
Hearing that, I snapped my face back up. “Can you?! Can you understand what I’m going through, Saori?! Tell me… what am I? I’ve lost so many of my previous values already from becoming… this — a fire-breathing, flying, violent lizard. Can you honestly understand what I’m going through? Don’t you understand that I need to stay away from you two for your own saft-HUH!?”
I wanted to vent more of my frustration onto Saori but before I could,she hugged me.
“I don’t,” was her first words. “I don’t fully understand what you’re going through. There are moments where the blood goes up my head and I act on the impulse, but I never had it as intense as yours. We were both reborn as monsters, but I would be lying if I told you that I could 100% sympathize with you.”
I wanted to push her off me, but my shivering hands wouldn’t listen to my commands. They continued trembling in the air, moving not an inch from the spot. Meanwhile, Saori’s embrace became stronger, not allowing me to leave it.
“I know you are scared,” Saori hand moved to my head and began stroking it. “You don’t want to hurt us, but you also know that you can’t control [Battle Frenzy] right now. I also don’t want to fight you in earnest, Hestia. It would break my heart if that day were to come. You are my friend, Hestia. My complicated little friend. You and Tasiann, the both of you are my only family in this world.”
“Lady Hestia.” Hearing Tasianna’s voice coming from the side, I turned to her direction to see tears dropping down from her elven eyes as she was still using [Elvenize]. “I-I of all people can’t tell you anything in this situation. I’m still scared of fighting, but I also know I can’t be a help to you if I cower behind it. Watching you in this state makes me feel useless. I don’t want to see you in such agony.”
“I don’t want to hear you tell us to stay away, Hestia, because I cannot afford to lose you. Why are you trying to be alone? Don’t you hate being alone? Don’t you like us being around you?” Saori barraged me with questions, all piercing my heart like sharp needles, despite how fragile it was from seeing Tasianna cry.
“No, no, the two of you stopped me from going crazy in this place. I never want to be all alone, again. It’s… quiet and cold. As if there is a hole in my heart. But, but, what will happen if I go mad again? What if I can’t control it and go wild?” I still argued back despite remembering how I felt when I first met Saori. Her presence in my life gave me the energy to keep my sanity.
“It won’t happen again because that was all my fault. I told you to control yourself because I was worried that the wyverns would find us. I’m sorry for putting you through all of that,” Saori apologized as she tightened her grip around me.
“No, I was being stubborn about it. You told me I could break through the cave after I got [Battle Frenzy (Minor)], but I just said, ‘No, I can hold it in’ but I couldn’t. I didn’t get a skill to protect me from it and I blew up, and I-” I continuously spoke back before Saori started stroking my head again.
“Shhhhhhh, it’s alright. It’s alright. You don’t have to excuse me for my mistake. I thought it would be better to avoid the wyverns, but I didn’t account how much it would hurt you to hold it in. I was the one who made that terrible decision in the first place, a choice that negatively impacted you,” Saori said in a somber tone. “I failed not only as an adult but also as your friend at that point. Leaving you to be tortured by that malicious status effect should have never been a choice in the first place. I could have thought of something else, but I was… lazy. Blind. I couldn't see anything besides the one path I wanted us to go on. Perfectionist? Cautious? No, I am just a stubborn woman who’s just scared of losing everything, again."
I didn’t think she was being lazy at all. What other choices were there? The cave would have never survived a sparring session between the three of us. It was too cramp and any accidents could cause a cave-in.
Trying to widen the tunnel nearly caused the ceiling to drop down on us. If I had tried to drill up the ceiling, then what would have happened? I knew mountains, canyons, and other natural landmarks normally weren’t so fragile, but I also never saw one nearly collapsing due to a lightning blade cutting through it.
“You know, I sometimes also question who I really am. Am I still the same ‘Saori Segawa’ from my past life on Earth or am I somebody completely different who inherited her memories? After evolving into a cadejo, I changed a lot. My thoughts, my behavior, my flaws. Everything just got more intense.” Saori sighed before biting her lips. “Then there is also ‘my’ business with that leviathan and all this birthright and history my garm mother had. I… I don’t want to embrace any of it. It’s not the life I wanted nor the one I’ve chosen.”
Saori took a deep breath before continuing, “However, so many events in my past life were completely random, too. I never wanted my father to die when I was still in high school. He acted like a hero during work, and died protecting somebody as a fireworker. As a hero. However, while some cheered, he left his family behind.
Her grip became tighter.
“Mother’s mental health deteriorated, to the point I had to take care of her. College was a nightmare. Due to all the medical debts for Mother’s health, I needed to work and take care of her the moment I returned home, all while in college. I never wanted to take a teaching position. I wanted to travel the world or maybe write a thesis about a historical era. But, I needed the money, I needed to abandon my wishes for my family. I didn’t want to leave my sick mother all alone in Japan. I stirred in my sleep as I wished my mother was doing well. However, ‘Saori Segawa’ on Earth was dead, and here I am. That is life.”
As I was listening to her confessions, my tail suddenly felt something wet landing on it. The sound of Saori’s faltering voice made me lose all the agitation in my body, stopping my hands from trembling as I reciprocated Saori’s comforting hug.
"I've come to love many things while also despising others. I guess you could call me a bit of a control freak? I feel most comfortable when everything works exactly as I envisioned it to be. I shouldn't impose my ideals on others, but… I don’t feel safe when something could go wrong." Saori stayed silent for a moment. I finally understood why Saori was being so wary about our safety and financial status. She didn’t want to repeat what happened before, even if she had to assert her wishes in a forceful manner.
Now I understand why she mumbled about her father back then… I remembered her crying during the night before I went on the lizardmen rescue mission.
"You told me on the day we made our promise we would travel the world together, right? I still don’t know if I should embrace my lineage or not, but I guess you’re on the same boat, right? The leviathan said you could learn how to control it from Kargryxmor.”
“Lady Hestia, you’ve also told me you would show me the world. That we would travel together as you journey to fulfill your dream. I don’t want to leave you, yet, so please don’t push me away,” Tasianna said while still weeping. “Please, don’t leave me. I know I’m not much of a fighter and that I’m a worthless maid for being unable to alleviate your problems, but I wish to better myself. I wish to gain the strength to soothe your mind. Your fear of hurting others, I wish to be the one to protect you from that. I wish to become your shield who would fend off anything that may bring your pain. So your dream may come true.”
“Dark and Ice. We are here when that time comes, Hestia. We might not have the strength yet to stop you with your full strength, but you also haven’t found a way to resist it yet, right? We’ll support you until you can. As a teacher and your friend, I want to witness you stand on your stage, shining so incandescently to the point I would go blind. You found your conviction to perform, don’t lose it.” Saori urged me.
“I-I-I, you guys… hick! No,” I said as something slowly flowed down my eyes. I couldn’t stop my eyes from—
“Shhhh, no, no, no. Let it go. You’ve been holding it in for so many years. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to break that little promise of yours. Isn’t your current conviction enough to drive you forward? Even without that promise to hold you back, I would bet everything you will and cannot stop at this point. You will become a star, Hestia,” Saori uttered warmly.
“Hick… I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to leave either of you two. I want to master [Battle Frenzy] to make it my own so that I would never hurt anybody I love. I’m terrified of hurting either of you, but I don’t want to become a burden… hack, hick… by isolating myself,” I confessed as a dam opened in my tear ducts, releasing nearly five years of suppressed tears. “I’m so sorry for making either of you worry about me. I’m sorry I hurt you with those words. I regret losing sight of that for a moment.”
A puddle fell down from my cheeks, soaking Saori's fur-covered tail. I had just broken a promise. An oath to myself to never cry until I could become a real idol. I wanted to stop myself, but every word they said was pounding on my heart, like hammers breaking down a wall.
My chest hurt at this fact but somehow, deep inside, something there was feeling relief as my voice was quickly drowned out by my wails. Frustration, fear, envy, anger, disdain; every single emotion that kept producing my tears ever since I made my promise flowed out of my eyes. My body was determined to empty everything.
My soul wished me to forget and abandon it, now that it had tasted this freedom.
“… Make a new promise to me, Hestia. Tasianna guessed we should be in the 11th month now — AutumnSun. We can’t confirm it until our ‘Ages’ change, but when that happens then it should be about a month until Earth’s Christmas, right?” Saori stated as she kept stroking my back. "Would you… would you do us the honors of becoming your first two fans? I would love to listen to Hestia Atsuko Kargryxmor’s first idol concert in this world. There is still a lot of time until you have to perform, so that should be plenty enough for you to prepare everything. What do you say? Promise?”
“I PROMISE! I’ll give you a concert that will instantly make you into an idol fan. I will overwhelm you so much that you will scream for an encore. Saori and Tasianna, I will give you a concert you will never forget!” I screamed. “I promise to do this on Christmas Eve!”
With that passionate promise, I kept crying and crying, showing no signs of stopping as my body lost more and more fluids. Eventually, my eyes stopped weeping at midnight. The fatigue of releasing all of my tears made my body weak, instantly knocking me out and sending me back into dreamland.
I could already imagine how dry my eyes would be once I woke up. I cried for a full day. It was an unimaginable amount of water, but it was liberating. This five-year-old chain was finally broken.
I cried and I was proud of it.
AbyssRaven I want to cry myself now!
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