Chapter 155: Ben - What Did I Just Hear?
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Ben
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I could not believe the way that the day had ended. I mean, seeing Ocean grab Kai's shirt and kiss him in front of everyone, that was totally unexpected. However, it was empowering, and effective.
Britt the bitch and Justin the Jackass were both stunned and completely silent when everything was done. I mean, it helped that the rest of the team, and the whole school really supported Ocean and cheered him on. I guess we were all worried for nothing. It looked like most of the student body didn't care whether someone was gay or not. That was good to know. I just wished that the man that I loved didn't care that I was gay.
I wasn't that lucky, though. He had come to hate me since he found out that I loved him. He ignored my text messages and phone calls. He skipped two days of school to avoid me. He was there today, yeah, but he completely ignored me. He didn't even look at me when we were at school. He steered clear of me completely. I had ruined the best thing that I even had just because I decided to tell him the truth.
I had to tell him, though. He would have figured it out eventually, with all the things that Justin and Brittney were saying about us. They would have made sure that Ryan knew exactly how I felt about him. I couldn't go on lying to him anymore.
As much as I knew that I needed to tell him, I wish I hadn't. I wish I would have just kept it to myself. I would never be able to be with Ryan, but I could have loved him while staying at his side. Now, though, I couldn't even do that. I was never going to be able to stand at his side ever again. That was the worst thing that I could ever imagine. And with that thought permanently lodged in my brain, I knew that my heart was never going to heal. I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life since I couldn't have Ryan with me ever again.
I was basically wallowing in these thoughts at Ocean and Kai's place while waiting for the pizza to arrive. Ocean seemed to be flipping out as well. Most likely from the memory of his public display of intimacy with Kai. That would embarrass anyone. Well, almost anyone.
While I thought about that, thinking about the things that Ocean had done while smiling at him, I heard the doorbell ring. I guess it was time for us to eat now. That was good, I really was getting hungry.
Just as I thought that though, I heard a voice that I knew all too well.
"Oh?!" I heard the shock and surprise in Makai's voice when he opened the door.
"Uh, uhm, c..can I talk to Ben? Please?" What the hell was Ryan doing here? And why did he want to see me?
"I'll ask him." Makai said and started to step back from the door.
"It's OK. I'll talk to him." I was already rising to my feet, bracing myself for the angry words that Ryan was sure to have for me.
"Come on in." Makai answered him.
I was nervous, I was scared, I was a lot of things that I didn't know how to explain. This was not going to be a situation that I was able to just deal with easily. I had a feeling that today was going to be a day that destroyed me.
The first thing that Ryan did was ask if we could talk alone, but I told him no. I didn't want to be alone with him because I didn't want to deal with the fight that I knew was going to come.
The only thing was, Ryan didn't seem to be there for a fight.
"I..I guess I deserve that." Ryan hung his head in shame when spoke to me. "I earned that. I really did. I was an idiot and I want to say that I am sorry."
"I don't believe you." I was in total disbelief of everything that was happening right now.
"B..but it's the truth." Ryan was almost crying as he said those words to me.
"How am I supposed to believe that? You basically made me feel like an abomination for having loved you. If none of this stuff with Ocean and Kai had happened, then I never would have told you. I would have been content just being around you and seeing you be happy. But now you know, and now you are disgusted with me." Dammit, I was crying. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks.
"No, I am not disgusted by you. I swear that I'm not. I was just surprised and shocked. I was upset that you hid it from me for all those years. I felt betrayed because you kept a secret that big from me and never told me. It wasn't that I was disgusted. I swear that I wasn't." I still couldn't listen to that and believe it. He was clear with what he was trying to tell me before. He didn't want to have a gay friend that was in love with him.
"You just want to end the feud. That is all this is about." I took a step away from him but he just followed after me. "You don't need to worry, Ryan. I won't fight with you. I won't argue with you. I won't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. You can just go back to ignoring me like you have all week. There is no need for you to pretend now. Just because the whole school knows about Ocean and Kai doesn't mean you have to pretend to be friends with the other gay kid on the team. Just don't worry about it, Ryan. Be friendly during practice and swim meets but that is all. You don't need to push yourself to go above and beyond that."
I was trying to absolve him of all guilt and responsibility, but he kept following me whenever I took a step away from him.
He kept trying to tell me that I was wrong. That I was misunderstanding him and that I didn't know what he wanted to tell me.
"If I misunderstood what all of that meant, then what did it all truly mean? Tell me Ryan! Tell me what I am supposed to think. What do you want me to believe here?"
"I want you to believe that I love you too, dammit!" His words made my heart stop and my ears ring. What did I just hear?
"That is a nice little lie, Ryan, but I don't believe you." I crossed my arm over my chest as if that could protect my heart from his words. "You don't need to push yourself or lie to me. Just cut me out of your life, that is the best option that there is for us."
"NO!" Ryan yelled. "I don't want to cut you out of my life, Ben. I can't live without you. That is what I have been telling myself this entire week. The entire time that we have been apart I have been miserable. I didn't understand what it was that I was feeling at first, but it's true. I can't survive without seeing you every day."
"Stop it." I was shaking my head now, desperate to rid my mind of these words. "Stop giving me false hope."
"It's true." Ryan was following after me as I backed up again and he put his hands on the wall next to my head.
"No. Stop it. Stop it, Ryan, please. I can't handle you saying that only to take it away from me later."
"Ben?"
At that, Ryan put his hand on my face and kissed me. My brain stopped, my heart was a goner and I think I saw heaven. Yup, I must be dead. That was the only thing that could explain me thinking that Ryan was actually kissing me. Only, I could truly feel it so I knew it was real.
"R..R..Ryan?" After the kiss had been broken and Ryan pulled away to look into my eyes, I gasped and stuttered out his name.
"Can you believe me now?" Ryan was smiling happily, like he had gotten the best present in the world.
I was frozen in shock. I didn't understand what had just happened. I was at a total loss, but I admit that I was happy. I listened to a massive speech about how Ryan had needed time to think and understand that he has always been in love with me, he just didn't know it.
Following that tense little scene, the pizza had arrived and Ryan made a declaration that we were going to be having our first date by eating pizza together at Ocean and Kai's place. This was still so surreal to me.
I don't think that I talked much at all during the meal. I just ate my pizza in silence while Ryan told me that he talked to Ocean on the beach about how he realized that he was in love with Kai and that was part of what made Ryan figure out that he loved me.
Then he told me that he didn't ignore me when I texted and called. He said that he had actually been so depressed from not seeing me that he was not able to get out of bed or even look at his phone. He was so hurt when he saw my messages and thought I hated him now. Dammit, this was all going so well that I just knew something had to go wrong. It was literally perfect.
When it was time for us to be getting ready for bed, Ryan made a declaration while holding my hand to his chest.
"I want to stay the night." He was grinning. "I know that Ben is staying here. Can I stay as well? Ben and I can share a room."
"WHAT!?" I was so shocked that I screamed the word.
"I don't care, as long as Ben is OK with it." Kai looked at me, saying that he would help me to kick Ryan out if I wanted him to.
"I..i..it's f..f..f..fine." I stuttered again and I just knew that my face was beet red again. Dammit, why did he want to stay the night?
Did Ryan even get what he was saying here? Did he truly understand what it was that he wanted us to be? I don't think that either of us were ready for that.. I think that we needed to take things slower, so that Ryan could figure out if this was what he really wanted.
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Ben
~~
I could not believe the way that the day had ended. I mean, seeing Ocean grab Kai's shirt and kiss him in front of everyone, that was totally unexpected. However, it was empowering, and effective.
Britt the bitch and Justin the Jackass were both stunned and completely silent when everything was done. I mean, it helped that the rest of the team, and the whole school really supported Ocean and cheered him on. I guess we were all worried for nothing. It looked like most of the student body didn't care whether someone was gay or not. That was good to know. I just wished that the man that I loved didn't care that I was gay.
I wasn't that lucky, though. He had come to hate me since he found out that I loved him. He ignored my text messages and phone calls. He skipped two days of school to avoid me. He was there today, yeah, but he completely ignored me. He didn't even look at me when we were at school. He steered clear of me completely. I had ruined the best thing that I even had just because I decided to tell him the truth.
I had to tell him, though. He would have figured it out eventually, with all the things that Justin and Brittney were saying about us. They would have made sure that Ryan knew exactly how I felt about him. I couldn't go on lying to him anymore.
As much as I knew that I needed to tell him, I wish I hadn't. I wish I would have just kept it to myself. I would never be able to be with Ryan, but I could have loved him while staying at his side. Now, though, I couldn't even do that. I was never going to be able to stand at his side ever again. That was the worst thing that I could ever imagine. And with that thought permanently lodged in my brain, I knew that my heart was never going to heal. I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life since I couldn't have Ryan with me ever again.
I was basically wallowing in these thoughts at Ocean and Kai's place while waiting for the pizza to arrive. Ocean seemed to be flipping out as well. Most likely from the memory of his public display of intimacy with Kai. That would embarrass anyone. Well, almost anyone.
While I thought about that, thinking about the things that Ocean had done while smiling at him, I heard the doorbell ring. I guess it was time for us to eat now. That was good, I really was getting hungry.
Just as I thought that though, I heard a voice that I knew all too well.
"Oh?!" I heard the shock and surprise in Makai's voice when he opened the door.
"Uh, uhm, c..can I talk to Ben? Please?" What the hell was Ryan doing here? And why did he want to see me?
"I'll ask him." Makai said and started to step back from the door.
"It's OK. I'll talk to him." I was already rising to my feet, bracing myself for the angry words that Ryan was sure to have for me.
"Come on in." Makai answered him.
I was nervous, I was scared, I was a lot of things that I didn't know how to explain. This was not going to be a situation that I was able to just deal with easily. I had a feeling that today was going to be a day that destroyed me.
The first thing that Ryan did was ask if we could talk alone, but I told him no. I didn't want to be alone with him because I didn't want to deal with the fight that I knew was going to come.
The only thing was, Ryan didn't seem to be there for a fight.
"I..I guess I deserve that." Ryan hung his head in shame when spoke to me. "I earned that. I really did. I was an idiot and I want to say that I am sorry."
"I don't believe you." I was in total disbelief of everything that was happening right now.
"B..but it's the truth." Ryan was almost crying as he said those words to me.
"How am I supposed to believe that? You basically made me feel like an abomination for having loved you. If none of this stuff with Ocean and Kai had happened, then I never would have told you. I would have been content just being around you and seeing you be happy. But now you know, and now you are disgusted with me." Dammit, I was crying. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks.
"No, I am not disgusted by you. I swear that I'm not. I was just surprised and shocked. I was upset that you hid it from me for all those years. I felt betrayed because you kept a secret that big from me and never told me. It wasn't that I was disgusted. I swear that I wasn't." I still couldn't listen to that and believe it. He was clear with what he was trying to tell me before. He didn't want to have a gay friend that was in love with him.
"You just want to end the feud. That is all this is about." I took a step away from him but he just followed after me. "You don't need to worry, Ryan. I won't fight with you. I won't argue with you. I won't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. You can just go back to ignoring me like you have all week. There is no need for you to pretend now. Just because the whole school knows about Ocean and Kai doesn't mean you have to pretend to be friends with the other gay kid on the team. Just don't worry about it, Ryan. Be friendly during practice and swim meets but that is all. You don't need to push yourself to go above and beyond that."
I was trying to absolve him of all guilt and responsibility, but he kept following me whenever I took a step away from him.
He kept trying to tell me that I was wrong. That I was misunderstanding him and that I didn't know what he wanted to tell me.
"If I misunderstood what all of that meant, then what did it all truly mean? Tell me Ryan! Tell me what I am supposed to think. What do you want me to believe here?"
"I want you to believe that I love you too, dammit!" His words made my heart stop and my ears ring. What did I just hear?
"That is a nice little lie, Ryan, but I don't believe you." I crossed my arm over my chest as if that could protect my heart from his words. "You don't need to push yourself or lie to me. Just cut me out of your life, that is the best option that there is for us."
"NO!" Ryan yelled. "I don't want to cut you out of my life, Ben. I can't live without you. That is what I have been telling myself this entire week. The entire time that we have been apart I have been miserable. I didn't understand what it was that I was feeling at first, but it's true. I can't survive without seeing you every day."
"Stop it." I was shaking my head now, desperate to rid my mind of these words. "Stop giving me false hope."
"It's true." Ryan was following after me as I backed up again and he put his hands on the wall next to my head.
"No. Stop it. Stop it, Ryan, please. I can't handle you saying that only to take it away from me later."
"Ben?"
At that, Ryan put his hand on my face and kissed me. My brain stopped, my heart was a goner and I think I saw heaven. Yup, I must be dead. That was the only thing that could explain me thinking that Ryan was actually kissing me. Only, I could truly feel it so I knew it was real.
"R..R..Ryan?" After the kiss had been broken and Ryan pulled away to look into my eyes, I gasped and stuttered out his name.
"Can you believe me now?" Ryan was smiling happily, like he had gotten the best present in the world.
I was frozen in shock. I didn't understand what had just happened. I was at a total loss, but I admit that I was happy. I listened to a massive speech about how Ryan had needed time to think and understand that he has always been in love with me, he just didn't know it.
Following that tense little scene, the pizza had arrived and Ryan made a declaration that we were going to be having our first date by eating pizza together at Ocean and Kai's place. This was still so surreal to me.
I don't think that I talked much at all during the meal. I just ate my pizza in silence while Ryan told me that he talked to Ocean on the beach about how he realized that he was in love with Kai and that was part of what made Ryan figure out that he loved me.
Then he told me that he didn't ignore me when I texted and called. He said that he had actually been so depressed from not seeing me that he was not able to get out of bed or even look at his phone. He was so hurt when he saw my messages and thought I hated him now. Dammit, this was all going so well that I just knew something had to go wrong. It was literally perfect.
When it was time for us to be getting ready for bed, Ryan made a declaration while holding my hand to his chest.
"I want to stay the night." He was grinning. "I know that Ben is staying here. Can I stay as well? Ben and I can share a room."
"WHAT!?" I was so shocked that I screamed the word.
"I don't care, as long as Ben is OK with it." Kai looked at me, saying that he would help me to kick Ryan out if I wanted him to.
"I..i..it's f..f..f..fine." I stuttered again and I just knew that my face was beet red again. Dammit, why did he want to stay the night?
Did Ryan even get what he was saying here? Did he truly understand what it was that he wanted us to be? I don't think that either of us were ready for that.. I think that we needed to take things slower, so that Ryan could figure out if this was what he really wanted.
~~Ben~~I could not believe the way that the day had ended. I mean, seeing Ocean grab Kai's shirt and kiss him in front of everyone, that was totally unexpected. However, it was empowering, and effective.Britt the bitch and Justin the Jackass were both stunned and completely silent when everything was done. I mean, it helped that the rest of the team, and the whole school really supported Ocean and cheered him on. I guess we were all worried for nothing. It looked like most of the student body didn't care whether someone was gay or not. That was good to know. I just wished that the man that I loved didn't care that I was gay.I wasn't that lucky, though. He had come to hate me since he found out that I loved him. He ignored my text messages and phone calls. He skipped two days of school to avoid me. He was there today, yeah, but he completely ignored me. He didn't even look at me when we were at school. He steered clear of me completely. I had ruined the best thing that I even had just because I decided to tell him the truth.I had to tell him, though. He would have figured it out eventually, with all the things that Justin and Brittney were saying about us. They would have made sure that Ryan knew exactly how I felt about him. I couldn't go on lying to him anymore.As much as I knew that I needed to tell him, I wish I hadn't. I wish I would have just kept it to myself. I would never be able to be with Ryan, but I could have loved him while staying at his side. Now, though, I couldn't even do that. I was never going to be able to stand at his side ever again. That was the worst thing that I could ever imagine. And with that thought permanently lodged in my brain, I knew that my heart was never going to heal. I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life since I couldn't have Ryan with me ever again.I was basically wallowing in these thoughts at Ocean and Kai's place while waiting for the pizza to arrive. Ocean seemed to be flipping out as well. Most likely from the memory of his public display of intimacy with Kai. That would embarrass anyone. Well, almost anyone.While I thought about that, thinking about the things that Ocean had done while smiling at him, I heard the doorbell ring. I guess it was time for us to eat now. That was good, I really was getting hungry.Just as I thought that though, I heard a voice that I knew all too well."Oh?!" I heard the shock and surprise in Makai's voice when he opened the door."Uh, uhm, c..can I talk to Ben? Please?" What the hell was Ryan doing here? And why did he want to see me?"I'll ask him." Makai said and started to step back from the door."It's OK. I'll talk to him." I was already rising to my feet, bracing myself for the angry words that Ryan was sure to have for me."Come on in." Makai answered him.I was nervous, I was scared, I was a lot of things that I didn't know how to explain. This was not going to be a situation that I was able to just deal with easily. I had a feeling that today was going to be a day that destroyed me.The first thing that Ryan did was ask if we could talk alone, but I told him no. I didn't want to be alone with him because I didn't want to deal with the fight that I knew was going to come.The only thing was, Ryan didn't seem to be there for a fight. "I..I guess I deserve that." Ryan hung his head in shame when spoke to me. "I earned that. I really did. I was an idiot and I want to say that I am sorry.""I don't believe you." I was in total disbelief of everything that was happening right now."B..but it's the truth." Ryan was almost crying as he said those words to me. "How am I supposed to believe that? You basically made me feel like an abomination for having loved you. If none of this stuff with Ocean and Kai had happened, then I never would have told you. I would have been content just being around you and seeing you be happy. But now you know, and now you are disgusted with me." Dammit, I was crying. Tears were flowing freely down my cheeks."No, I am not disgusted by you. I swear that I'm not. I was just surprised and shocked. I was upset that you hid it from me for all those years. I felt betrayed because you kept a secret that big from me and never told me. It wasn't that I was disgusted. I swear that I wasn't." I still couldn't listen to that and believe it. He was clear with what he was trying to tell me before. He didn't want to have a gay friend that was in love with him."You just want to end the feud. That is all this is about." I took a step away from him but he just followed after me. "You don't need to worry, Ryan. I won't fight with you. I won't argue with you. I won't do anything to make you feel uncomfortable. You can just go back to ignoring me like you have all week. There is no need for you to pretend now. Just because the whole school knows about Ocean and Kai doesn't mean you have to pretend to be friends with the other gay kid on the team. Just don't worry about it, Ryan. Be friendly during practice and swim meets but that is all. You don't need to push yourself to go above and beyond that."I was trying to absolve him of all guilt and responsibility, but he kept following me whenever I took a step away from him.He kept trying to tell me that I was wrong. That I was misunderstanding him and that I didn't know what he wanted to tell me."If I misunderstood what all of that meant, then what did it all truly mean? Tell me Ryan! Tell me what I am supposed to think. What do you want me to believe here?""I want you to believe that I love you too, dammit!" His words made my heart stop and my ears ring. What did I just hear?"That is a nice little lie, Ryan, but I don't believe you." I crossed my arm over my chest as if that could protect my heart from his words. "You don't need to push yourself or lie to me. Just cut me out of your life, that is the best option that there is for us.""NO!" Ryan yelled. "I don't want to cut you out of my life, Ben. I can't live without you. That is what I have been telling myself this entire week. The entire time that we have been apart I have been miserable. I didn't understand what it was that I was feeling at first, but it's true. I can't survive without seeing you every day.""Stop it." I was shaking my head now, desperate to rid my mind of these words. "Stop giving me false hope.""It's true." Ryan was following after me as I backed up again and he put his hands on the wall next to my head."No. Stop it. Stop it, Ryan, please. I can't handle you saying that only to take it away from me later.""Ben?"At that, Ryan put his hand on my face and kissed me. My brain stopped, my heart was a goner and I think I saw heaven. Yup, I must be dead. That was the only thing that could explain me thinking that Ryan was actually kissing me. Only, I could truly feel it so I knew it was real."R..R..Ryan?" After the kiss had been broken and Ryan pulled away to look into my eyes, I gasped and stuttered out his name."Can you believe me now?" Ryan was smiling happily, like he had gotten the best present in the world.I was frozen in shock. I didn't understand what had just happened. I was at a total loss, but I admit that I was happy. I listened to a massive speech about how Ryan had needed time to think and understand that he has always been in love with me, he just didn't know it. Following that tense little scene, the pizza had arrived and Ryan made a declaration that we were going to be having our first date by eating pizza together at Ocean and Kai's place. This was still so surreal to me.I don't think that I talked much at all during the meal. I just ate my pizza in silence while Ryan told me that he talked to Ocean on the beach about how he realized that he was in love with Kai and that was part of what made Ryan figure out that he loved me.Then he told me that he didn't ignore me when I texted and called. He said that he had actually been so depressed from not seeing me that he was not able to get out of bed or even look at his phone. He was so hurt when he saw my messages and thought I hated him now. Dammit, this was all going so well that I just knew something had to go wrong. It was literally perfect.When it was time for us to be getting ready for bed, Ryan made a declaration while holding my hand to his chest."I want to stay the night." He was grinning. "I know that Ben is staying here. Can I stay as well? Ben and I can share a room.""WHAT!?" I was so shocked that I screamed the word."I don't care, as long as Ben is OK with it." Kai looked at me, saying that he would help me to kick Ryan out if I wanted him to."I..i..it's f..f..f..fine." I stuttered again and I just knew that my face was beet red again. Dammit, why did he want to stay the night?Did Ryan even get what he was saying here? Did he truly understand what it was that he wanted us to be? I don't think that either of us were ready for that.. I think that we needed to take things slower, so that Ryan could figure out if this was what he really wanted.
