"We're nearly out of time for today Hannah," I said to my young client. "Is there anything you want to discuss with our last five minutes?"
She shrugged then sighed as she slumped back on the sofa across from me. "I dunno? I guess it's just, it feels really unfair you know? That the only places I can be myself are here with you, or online. I've already told you what my folks are like, they're homomisic and transmisic. If I tried to come out at home I'd be out on the street in no time."
"It's not much better at school either," Hannah added with another sigh. "Most of the guys are jerks when it comes to this kind of thing? Some of the girls too. There's one trans girl who's out, and I've seen what kind of crap she puts up with. And a couple openly gay kids? Plus there might be a half dozen more that everyone sort of suspects but they haven't come out yet."
The young closeted trans girl looked and sounded sad as she stated, "I just wish I could be the real me, you know? I wish I didn't have to hide who and what I was. The worst thing is I'm never going to be able to transition. I'm going to be stuck like this forever. Looking like a guy and being treated like a guy and having everyone using my deadname forever."
"Forever's a long time Hannah," I told her as I tried to end our session on a positive note. "I know things are difficult right now, and it might seem like things are going to stay this way, but you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You'll be starting grade twelve in September, right? Your last year of high school, then everything could change."
She shook her head, "I doubt it. Nothing's going to change. My parents are going to send me to university, and since they're paying for everything they'll make all the decisions for me. I'll be stuck with my deadname, stuck having to be a guy for another three or four years. Then I'll have to get a job and fend for myself. It never ends. By the time I'm independent enough to transition I'll probably be too old for it to even matter."
I gave her a compassionate look as I suppressed a quiet sigh, but my mind was racing. On the one hand Hannah's situation wasn't exactly like my friend Daisy's, she hadn't tried to come out only to get forced back into the closet. It seemed close though, and maybe if she did try and come out to her parents the outcome would be the same. Except right now she wasn't even prepared to try.
The worst part was I had a solution on one of the fingers on my left hand. That was maybe the hardest part, knowing I could give Hannah a complete magical transition at any time. She could have the body of her dreams, all her ID and clothes would be changed to suit her, and she'd probably be ecstatic.
Except if I did that she might end up getting kicked out of the house, or worse, depending on how her parents reacted. She could find herself out on the street, she might be forced to drop out of school and that'd be the end of her education. Giving her a magical transition might ruin the rest of her life, and the worst part was I suspected she'd take it anyways. I had a feeling a lot of trans people would.
I wasn't sure I could handle having that on my conscience though. It was easy to imagine Hannah's situation turning into a repeat of what happened to Ada, except in this case there was nowhere else for Hannah to go. She didn't have a girlfriend, or any other close friends she could move in with.
Beyond that, if I did it here in the office that would expose me and my connection to the supernatural to all my colleagues. It might not be so bad with Emma, but I was positive neither Bev or Rosa knew about magic. I couldn't do it anywhere else though, it would be incredibly risky and unprofessional of me to try and arrange to meet a young patient in some private location away from the practice.
In the end I finally suggested, "I know I've mentioned this before Hannah, but if you like I could try and speak with your mother? Maybe next week, instead of her waiting for you out outside she could come in and we could try and talk to her together? Maybe things won't be as bad as you think."
She was already shaking her head, "I can't. I know you think maybe you can get through to her or whatever, but I just can't take the chance. You don't know what they're like Tess, you don't hear the crap my parents say. I hear the way they trash talk people like me. Mom might act all polite and civil in here, but as soon as we got back home I'd be done for."
"All right Hannah," I sighed as the two of us got to our feet. "I'm sorry. Have a good weekend, ok? Stay safe, and I'll see you again next Friday."
As I walked her out to the waiting room she mumbled, "Yeah you too. Bye for now Tess."
Her mother was there like usual, and led Hannah out to the parking lot while asking how the session went. I let out another quiet sigh then returned to my office to type out my session notes, before I grabbed my purse and keys and hurried back out again.
"I'll be back after lunch," I told Rosa. "I might be a bit late, but I'll be back before my next appointment."
"Have fun," she smiled as I went out to the car.
It took less than ten minutes to get to the restaurant, and I spent most of that time still thinking about Hannah. I was running through a few different scenarios in my mind, various ways to broach the subject of magic and goddesses, and all the numerous possible outcomes that might result.
Those thoughts were all put on hold when I finally pulled into the parking lot. I spotted April's car, so I hurried inside to join her. I found her already seated at a table by the window, and greeted her as I sat down across from her.
"Hi April, sorry I'm late!"
She shook her head, "You're not late. I was a bit early. How's work?"
I grimaced, "It's all right. As much as I like to help folks it's hard sometimes. Bumping up against the general unfairness of the world."
"I hear that," she replied as she made a bit of a face.
"How about you?" I asked. "You're still looking for work?"
She smiled, "Not anymore. I finally found something, I'm starting next week."
"Oh, congratulations!" I smiled back.
April thanked me, then told me a little about where she'd be working. It was only a half dozen kilometres away from her apartment, so she wasn't going to move after all which was convenient.
Our conversation paused briefly when the waiter came by, so we both ordered something to drink and took a quick look at the menu. We were meeting in a popular 'roadhouse' style restaurant and the food was typical north American fare. It was all fairly safe and unadventurous, like the restaurant equivalent of comfort food. I went with a club sandwich and fries, while April ordered the gourmet burger and fries.
After the waiter left to take care of our orders April had a sip of her soda then sighed. "Tess I owe you an apology. I'm sure you already know this, but I kind of blamed you for the situation with Ada."
"I know it wasn't your fault," she added quickly. "Ada and I... We had a lot of discussions, or arguments I guess. Especially in the first week or two? We blamed each other, we blamed you and Amethyst, we blamed Ada's parents, and we blamed ourselves. But eventually we both got our heads out of our own asses and realized it really wasn't anyone's fault. It definitely wasn't yours, or Amethyst's."
I grimaced, "Thanks April. I had a lot of guilt about what happened, but I really didn't know if there was anything else I could do about it. I know Amy felt bad too, but neither of us knew what to do."
She shook her head, "I'm sorry you had that guilt."
"The worst of it is knowing things could have gone so differently if we'd all just talked more," she added with another sigh. "And maybe if we weren't in such a rush? Then we would have had more time to talk. Then there'd have been a chance for this stuff to come up before it happened."
"Yeah," I agreed quietly.
After a sip of my cola I hesitated, "You know I spoke with Ada two weeks ago right? And Amy spent some time with her a couple days after that, so Amethyst could give her a hand."
April nodded, "I know. And I'm sure you know Ada moved out over a week ago."
"I heard," I responded. "So how are you doing? How are you feeling about all that?"
She gave me a look then smiled, "I hope you're not slipping into therapist-mode with me Theresa?"
"Not at all!" I insisted, although I could feel my cheeks warming up. "I'm asking as a friend, I want to know that you're ok. Or if you aren't, maybe there's something I can do to help?"
"I know, I'm just teasing!" she replied as her smile turned into a smirk.
Then after another sip of her drink she answered, "Anyways I'm honestly doing a lot better now? After Ada signed the rental agreement on her new place she came back to my apartment and the two of us had a long heart to heart talk that night, and the day after that I helped her move. The two of us loaded up my car and I drove her to her new place. I helped her unpack and get settled in too. It seems like a nice place, I hope she's happy there."
"As for me," she said with a little shrug, "I feel like both Ada and I were stuck in a holding pattern. From when she got her miracle until she moved out, it felt like neither of us could move forward. We couldn't move backwards either. Neither of us was happy, but we weren't unhappy enough to do something about it? So like I said, holding pattern."
I asked, "And now that she's moved out, you can both move on?"
"Exactly," April nodded. "We're still friends. It's been what, a week and a half since then? We've talked three or four times, and texted almost every day. We're not rekindling anything, we're just checking in with each other? To make sure we're both doing ok. And we are."
After another sip of her soda she continued, "I just told you I finally got a job, right? Logically I know the timing is a coincidence, but it's part of the whole thing about not feeling stuck anymore. My life's moving forward again, and from the sound of it so is Ada's. She's writing her exams next week, so she can finish out last year's classes. And she's planning on going back to uni in September for her final year. So yeah, I think we're both doing better now."
"Good," I smiled. "I'm happy to hear that."
We were both quiet for a few seconds, then April asked "Anyways enough about me, how are you doing? What have you been up to since graduation? Or did you go straight from college to work?"
"Amy and I took a little vacation," I replied with a smile. "The two of us, along with Amy's sister and her partner went over to Ireland and Wales."
"Oh nice!" she exclaimed. "What was it like? And why there, were you going to see anything in particular?"
That was the topic of conversation for the next ten or twelve minutes. I told April about touring Dublin before travelling to the village where my grandmother came from, and how we discovered some relatives I didn't know about before. And I told her about the trip across the Irish Sea to Wales, and how the four of us toured around the south-east corner of that country, visiting some of the places Amy's dad's family came from.
Eventually the waiter returned with our meals, he also topped up our drinks before leaving us alone again. April and I were quiet for a bit at that point as we focused on the food.
She broke that silence after a few minutes, although she kept her voice down as she asked "How's the priestess stuff going? Have you done many other miracles since you helped Ada?"
I slowly shook my head as I replied just as quietly, "Actually no, I haven't done any. Part of it's because there haven't been any opportunities? Between cramming for our finals then going on holiday then starting work, the last two months have been really busy?"
"But I suppose part of it is also a loss of confidence," I admitted with a grimace. "Like I said, I blamed myself for what happened with Ada. So maybe there haven't been any opportunities because I haven't really been looking for them."
April gave me a sad look, "I'm sorry Tess. I hope that's not causing any stress between you and Amethyst?"
"It's not," I replied. "We're both aware of the situation, and looking at ways to move forward..."
My voice trailed off as my thoughts drifted back to Hannah again, and how a miracle transition would cause as many problems as it solved.
"What's on your mind?" my friend asked as she watched me. "I can tell you've just thought of something."
I grimaced again, "I recently spoke with someone who might be a good candidate for a miracle? Except their family situation is probably not that different from Ada's. If they got a magic transition it'd probably make their long-term situation even worse."
April continued to watch me for a couple more seconds, then asked "I'm guessing this is a patient? Maybe someone young, college student or high-school maybe, so they're financially dependant on their family?"
"You know if they were a client I couldn't confirm any of that," I reminded her.
"I know," she nodded. Then her expression and tone both became very serious as she told me, "Tess you're a good ally and I respect how much you've put into educating yourself about trans issues? But please don't forget that at the end of the day you're cis. You can never know what it's like for any of us. So please don't make decisions on our behalf, based on what you think is best for us. That's just another kind of gatekeeping, and in the end it's only going to hurt your position, along with the people you want to help."
She continued, "So please, let me give you some really important advice? Talk to this person, tell them what you can do, and make the offer. Let them decide what's best for them."
I was quiet for a few seconds as a few different arguments and protests crossed my mind. In the end though I had to agree with her.
"Ok April," I nodded. "Thank you. I think I really needed to hear that."
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"We're nearly out of time for today Hannah," I said to my young client. "Is there anything you want to discuss with our last five minutes?"
She shrugged then sighed as she slumped back on the sofa across from me. "I dunno? I guess it's just, it feels really unfair you know? That the only places I can be myself are here with you, or online. I've already told you what my folks are like, they're homomisic and transmisic. If I tried to come out at home I'd be out on the street in no time."
"It's not much better at school either," Hannah added with another sigh. "Most of the guys are jerks when it comes to this kind of thing? Some of the girls too. There's one trans girl who's out, and I've seen what kind of crap she puts up with. And a couple openly gay kids? Plus there might be a half dozen more that everyone sort of suspects but they haven't come out yet."
The young closeted trans girl looked and sounded sad as she stated, "I just wish I could be the real me, you know? I wish I didn't have to hide who and what I was. The worst thing is I'm never going to be able to transition. I'm going to be stuck like this forever. Looking like a guy and being treated like a guy and having everyone using my deadname forever."
"Forever's a long time Hannah," I told her as I tried to end our session on a positive note. "I know things are difficult right now, and it might seem like things are going to stay this way, but you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You'll be starting grade twelve in September, right? Your last year of high school, then everything could change."
She shook her head, "I doubt it. Nothing's going to change. My parents are going to send me to university, and since they're paying for everything they'll make all the decisions for me. I'll be stuck with my deadname, stuck having to be a guy for another three or four years. Then I'll have to get a job and fend for myself. It never ends. By the time I'm independent enough to transition I'll probably be too old for it to even matter."
I gave her a compassionate look as I suppressed a quiet sigh, but my mind was racing. On the one hand Hannah's situation wasn't exactly like my friend Daisy's, she hadn't tried to come out only to get forced back into the closet. It seemed close though, and maybe if she did try and come out to her parents the outcome would be the same. Except right now she wasn't even prepared to try.
The worst part was I had a solution on one of the fingers on my left hand. That was maybe the hardest part, knowing I could give Hannah a complete magical transition at any time. She could have the body of her dreams, all her ID and clothes would be changed to suit her, and she'd probably be ecstatic.
Except if I did that she might end up getting kicked out of the house, or worse, depending on how her parents reacted. She could find herself out on the street, she might be forced to drop out of school and that'd be the end of her education. Giving her a magical transition might ruin the rest of her life, and the worst part was I suspected she'd take it anyways. I had a feeling a lot of trans people would.
I wasn't sure I could handle having that on my conscience though. It was easy to imagine Hannah's situation turning into a repeat of what happened to Ada, except in this case there was nowhere else for Hannah to go. She didn't have a girlfriend, or any other close friends she could move in with.
Beyond that, if I did it here in the office that would expose me and my connection to the supernatural to all my colleagues. It might not be so bad with Emma, but I was positive neither Bev or Rosa knew about magic. I couldn't do it anywhere else though, it would be incredibly risky and unprofessional of me to try and arrange to meet a young patient in some private location away from the practice.
In the end I finally suggested, "I know I've mentioned this before Hannah, but if you like I could try and speak with your mother? Maybe next week, instead of her waiting for you out outside she could come in and we could try and talk to her together? Maybe things won't be as bad as you think."
She was already shaking her head, "I can't. I know you think maybe you can get through to her or whatever, but I just can't take the chance. You don't know what they're like Tess, you don't hear the crap my parents say. I hear the way they trash talk people like me. Mom might act all polite and civil in here, but as soon as we got back home I'd be done for."
"All right Hannah," I sighed as the two of us got to our feet. "I'm sorry. Have a good weekend, ok? Stay safe, and I'll see you again next Friday."
As I walked her out to the waiting room she mumbled, "Yeah you too. Bye for now Tess."
Her mother was there like usual, and led Hannah out to the parking lot while asking how the session went. I let out another quiet sigh then returned to my office to type out my session notes, before I grabbed my purse and keys and hurried back out again.
"I'll be back after lunch," I told Rosa. "I might be a bit late, but I'll be back before my next appointment."
"Have fun," she smiled as I went out to the car.
It took less than ten minutes to get to the restaurant, and I spent most of that time still thinking about Hannah. I was running through a few different scenarios in my mind, various ways to broach the subject of magic and goddesses, and all the numerous possible outcomes that might result.
Those thoughts were all put on hold when I finally pulled into the parking lot. I spotted April's car, so I hurried inside to join her. I found her already seated at a table by the window, and greeted her as I sat down across from her.
"Hi April, sorry I'm late!"
She shook her head, "You're not late. I was a bit early. How's work?"
I grimaced, "It's all right. As much as I like to help folks it's hard sometimes. Bumping up against the general unfairness of the world."
"I hear that," she replied as she made a bit of a face.
"How about you?" I asked. "You're still looking for work?"
She smiled, "Not anymore. I finally found something, I'm starting next week."
"Oh, congratulations!" I smiled back.
April thanked me, then told me a little about where she'd be working. It was only a half dozen kilometres away from her apartment, so she wasn't going to move after all which was convenient.
Our conversation paused briefly when the waiter came by, so we both ordered something to drink and took a quick look at the menu. We were meeting in a popular 'roadhouse' style restaurant and the food was typical north American fare. It was all fairly safe and unadventurous, like the restaurant equivalent of comfort food. I went with a club sandwich and fries, while April ordered the gourmet burger and fries.
After the waiter left to take care of our orders April had a sip of her soda then sighed. "Tess I owe you an apology. I'm sure you already know this, but I kind of blamed you for the situation with Ada."
"I know it wasn't your fault," she added quickly. "Ada and I... We had a lot of discussions, or arguments I guess. Especially in the first week or two? We blamed each other, we blamed you and Amethyst, we blamed Ada's parents, and we blamed ourselves. But eventually we both got our heads out of our own asses and realized it really wasn't anyone's fault. It definitely wasn't yours, or Amethyst's."
I grimaced, "Thanks April. I had a lot of guilt about what happened, but I really didn't know if there was anything else I could do about it. I know Amy felt bad too, but neither of us knew what to do."
She shook her head, "I'm sorry you had that guilt."
"The worst of it is knowing things could have gone so differently if we'd all just talked more," she added with another sigh. "And maybe if we weren't in such a rush? Then we would have had more time to talk. Then there'd have been a chance for this stuff to come up before it happened."
"Yeah," I agreed quietly.
After a sip of my cola I hesitated, "You know I spoke with Ada two weeks ago right? And Amy spent some time with her a couple days after that, so Amethyst could give her a hand."
April nodded, "I know. And I'm sure you know Ada moved out over a week ago."
"I heard," I responded. "So how are you doing? How are you feeling about all that?"
She gave me a look then smiled, "I hope you're not slipping into therapist-mode with me Theresa?"
"Not at all!" I insisted, although I could feel my cheeks warming up. "I'm asking as a friend, I want to know that you're ok. Or if you aren't, maybe there's something I can do to help?"
"I know, I'm just teasing!" she replied as her smile turned into a smirk.
Then after another sip of her drink she answered, "Anyways I'm honestly doing a lot better now? After Ada signed the rental agreement on her new place she came back to my apartment and the two of us had a long heart to heart talk that night, and the day after that I helped her move. The two of us loaded up my car and I drove her to her new place. I helped her unpack and get settled in too. It seems like a nice place, I hope she's happy there."
"As for me," she said with a little shrug, "I feel like both Ada and I were stuck in a holding pattern. From when she got her miracle until she moved out, it felt like neither of us could move forward. We couldn't move backwards either. Neither of us was happy, but we weren't unhappy enough to do something about it? So like I said, holding pattern."
I asked, "And now that she's moved out, you can both move on?"
"Exactly," April nodded. "We're still friends. It's been what, a week and a half since then? We've talked three or four times, and texted almost every day. We're not rekindling anything, we're just checking in with each other? To make sure we're both doing ok. And we are."
After another sip of her soda she continued, "I just told you I finally got a job, right? Logically I know the timing is a coincidence, but it's part of the whole thing about not feeling stuck anymore. My life's moving forward again, and from the sound of it so is Ada's. She's writing her exams next week, so she can finish out last year's classes. And she's planning on going back to uni in September for her final year. So yeah, I think we're both doing better now."
"Good," I smiled. "I'm happy to hear that."
We were both quiet for a few seconds, then April asked "Anyways enough about me, how are you doing? What have you been up to since graduation? Or did you go straight from college to work?"
"Amy and I took a little vacation," I replied with a smile. "The two of us, along with Amy's sister and her partner went over to Ireland and Wales."
"Oh nice!" she exclaimed. "What was it like? And why there, were you going to see anything in particular?"
That was the topic of conversation for the next ten or twelve minutes. I told April about touring Dublin before travelling to the village where my grandmother came from, and how we discovered some relatives I didn't know about before. And I told her about the trip across the Irish Sea to Wales, and how the four of us toured around the south-east corner of that country, visiting some of the places Amy's dad's family came from.
Eventually the waiter returned with our meals, he also topped up our drinks before leaving us alone again. April and I were quiet for a bit at that point as we focused on the food.
She broke that silence after a few minutes, although she kept her voice down as she asked "How's the priestess stuff going? Have you done many other miracles since you helped Ada?"
I slowly shook my head as I replied just as quietly, "Actually no, I haven't done any. Part of it's because there haven't been any opportunities? Between cramming for our finals then going on holiday then starting work, the last two months have been really busy?"
"But I suppose part of it is also a loss of confidence," I admitted with a grimace. "Like I said, I blamed myself for what happened with Ada. So maybe there haven't been any opportunities because I haven't really been looking for them."
April gave me a sad look, "I'm sorry Tess. I hope that's not causing any stress between you and Amethyst?"
"It's not," I replied. "We're both aware of the situation, and looking at ways to move forward..."
My voice trailed off as my thoughts drifted back to Hannah again, and how a miracle transition would cause as many problems as it solved.
"What's on your mind?" my friend asked as she watched me. "I can tell you've just thought of something."
I grimaced again, "I recently spoke with someone who might be a good candidate for a miracle? Except their family situation is probably not that different from Ada's. If they got a magic transition it'd probably make their long-term situation even worse."
April continued to watch me for a couple more seconds, then asked "I'm guessing this is a patient? Maybe someone young, college student or high-school maybe, so they're financially dependant on their family?"
"You know if they were a client I couldn't confirm any of that," I reminded her.
"I know," she nodded. Then her expression and tone both became very serious as she told me, "Tess you're a good ally and I respect how much you've put into educating yourself about trans issues? But please don't forget that at the end of the day you're cis. You can never know what it's like for any of us. So please don't make decisions on our behalf, based on what you think is best for us. That's just another kind of gatekeeping, and in the end it's only going to hurt your position, along with the people you want to help."
She continued, "So please, let me give you some really important advice? Talk to this person, tell them what you can do, and make the offer. Let them decide what's best for them."
I was quiet for a few seconds as a few different arguments and protests crossed my mind. In the end though I had to agree with her.
"Ok April," I nodded. "Thank you. I think I really needed to hear that."
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