Rob introduced himself as he gripped the steering wheel.
“I’m thirty-four. I went to University of Virginia before going to Georgetown University in DC, and came back here three years ago. Now I’m teaching as a visiting professor at my alma mater, the University of California.”
It was an illustrious career, worthy of applause. He probably had considerable academic experience and achievements under his belt if he had already been made a visiting professor at such a young age.
Nonetheless, Rob’s demeanour was laidback, and he didn’t show a hint of arrogance. Although he seemed to have an eccentric side, he was friendly, down-to-earth, and wasn’t pretentious about his achievements. Yuto had a good impression of him.
“You can call me Rob. I don’t like stuffy formalities. Let’s be frank with each other, alright?”
“Sure. You can call me Yuto, too.”
Rob drove the SUV into West Hollywood, located at the halfway point between Beverly Hills and Hollywood. As they drove down Melrose Avenue, there were many same-sex couples spotted holding hands as they strolled down the street. West Hollywood had many tasteful, fashionable shops, and was also known for its many gay residents. Even the mayor was gay, and an extravagant gay pride parade was hosted there every year.
Rob pulled up in front of a building and got out of the car, handing the keys to the valet.
“Alright, let’s go,” Rob said. “It might be a club, but the clientele are older, so it won’t be too loud. I’m sure you’ll be able to enjoy yourself.”
Despite Rob’s remark, a club was still a club – a place that blasted thumping dance music at full volume. Yuto’s ears started hurting as soon as he stepped inside. He and Rob took two open seats at the bar in the very back. They were far enough from the dance floor that they were able to have a conversation without shouting.
Yuto gazed at the dancing guests. I knew it, he thought inwardly. Everywhere he looked, the place was full of men. There were a few women, but as he expected, they were all huddled close with other women. Rob had brought him to a gay club.
Rob ordered a non-alcoholic beer. Yuto was surprised, under the impression that he was going to call a designated driver to drive him home.
“I thought you were going to drink the night away?”
“Not today. Don’t mind me, I can still get drunk without drinking. It’s one of my special abilities. You should have something to drink – I’ll give you a ride back to wherever you need to go.”
Perhaps it was Rob’s way of trying to make Yuto feel comfortable, being the one who had invited him out. He was assertive but unexpected gentlemanly at times, and it threw him off. He was an enigma.
“Hi Rob, haven’t seen you in a while.” A slim young man approached them wearing a tight, sequinned T-shirt.
“Hey, Marv. How’s it going?”
The two exchanged a friendly hug and kiss.
“Who’s this?” said Marv, scrutinizing Yuto. “Your new boyfriend? Does that mean you’ve already gotten over Al?”
Rob gave a crooked smile.
“Unfortunately, we’re not like that.”
“So, friends?”
“Not yet. I’m testing him to see if we can be friends.”
Marv shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you have to test someone to decide if you want to be friends,” he muttered before walking away.
“If you wanted to know if I was accepting of gay people, you should have just asked me instead of pulling something like this,” Yuto said.
“Anyone can act accepting on the outside, though, right?” Rob lifted his glass lightly, brushing off Yuto’s complaint. “By the way, I was joking when I said I was testing you. I genuinely brought you here so we could enjoy yourselves. Nothing more. So? How’re you feeling?”
Rob appeared unfazed and carefree. Yuto started to wonder if indeed he had only come to have a good time. All this time he had been on guard, expecting something more than what met the eye. Now he felt like he had gotten worked up for nothing.
“Well, you have nothing to worry about,” said Yuto. “I have nothing against gay people.”
He half wanted to surprise Rob by telling him he had slept with a man before, but he wasn’t going to do something stupid like that to someone he had just met.
“Wanna dance?” Rob said.
“I’m fine. You can go ahead.”
“I’m not going up there by myself. We came out here tonight to get to know each other.”
Rob seemed to know many people there, and one man after another came up to him to say hello. Some invited him to dance, but Rob turned them down with a smile and told them maybe next time.
Yuto found himself starting to get curious about Rob, the university professor enjoying the gay life, comfortable in his own skin.
“Are you still in the closet, or…?” he asked.
“Nope. I’ve come out to people around me.”
Yuto figured as much. He couldn’t see cheerful and big-hearted Rob being troubled about being gay. Yuto sipped his second beer and found himself thinking about his own sexuality.
Yuto had had sex with Dick, and had felt no repulsion whatsoever.
Until then, he had never doubted that he was straight. But maybe he did have a homosexual tendency, and had just not realized it.
“Rob, can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
“If someone who’s lived as a straight man all his life all of a sudden has sex with another man without any issue, would you say he’s gay?”
Rob smiled at Yuto’s sudden question.
“That’s not enough information to make a judgment. Why did he have sex with another man? Was he pressured into it and couldn’t say no? Or did he have feelings for that man?”
“…I think the latter. He wanted to because he felt for him.”
“Then, he might be gay. But I think the important issue here is not whether he’s gay or straight, but whether those feelings were truly romantic feelings.”
“Why? If a straight guy started having feelings for another guy, I think the first thing he’d want to know is if he was gay or not.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Rob said, hunching his shoulders. “If he has to acknowledge that he’s gay before he can accept having romantic feelings for another man, then he’s probably not truly in love. Sexuality and emotional orientation don’t always match.”
“That sounds confusing,” Yuto sighed. He had trouble forming his thoughts, perhaps due to the loud music and alcohol.
“You seem like the type to use logic to understand things. But love isn’t logical. Do you feel your heart race when your eyes meet? Does your body feel hot when you touch? Do you miss him when you’re apart? I think that’s all you need to come to an answer.”
“Simple and brilliant. Nice logic,” Yuto said sarcastically. “―Excuse me, I’m going to use the washroom.”
Yuto got up and crossed the floor into the hallway. He walked into the washroom to find a couple passionately making out. They didn’t bat an eye as Yuto relieved himself.
Although he saw many couples kissing all over the place, these two seemed to be pushing it; they had their hands all over each other, letting out moans with abandon.
On the way out, Yuto ended up making eye contact with the young man who was pushed up against the wall. The man stared at Yuto over his partner’s shoulder, his face flushed as he smiled at him.
“Care to join us?”
“No thanks,” Yuto said with a wry smile as he stepped out into the hallway. Surrounded by fellow gays, people seemed to lose their inhibitions. He felt like he couldn’t look at anything without catching a glimpse of men embracing and kissing.
But everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Their faces were full of life. Although some may disapprove of them and call them hedonistic, the men here were enjoying the present moment to their fullest.
Yuto knew he wouldn’t belong in that group, but being gay or not didn’t have much to do with it. It was because he didn’t have the mental space to relax and enjoy life right now.
Yuto felt a twinge of jealousy as he absent-mindedly gazed at the men dancing to the music.
* * *
When Rob asked where he was staying, Yuto gave him the name of his hotel downtown. Rob kept his promise and drove Yuto back to his hotel.
“Thanks for coming out tonight,” Rob smiled at him when they pulled in to the underground parking lot.
“So, Rob, am I fit to be your friend?”
“…About that. I don’t think so,” Rob said ruefully. Yuto was genuinely disappointed. In his eyes, they’d had a lively conversation at the club, and Rob seemed to enjoy himself. Yuto had anticipated that Rob would tell him about Nathan, and the expectation made Rob’s answer come all the more as a shock.
“Can you tell me what you didn’t like about me?”
There was no time to dawdle. He had to get his hands on some kind of new information in the next two days, or he would have to leave LA.
“I liked you a lot, actually. You’re sincere and polite. I have no complaints.”
“Then why can’t we be friends? What’s the problem?”
Rob gave a troubled smile and suddenly reached over to touch Yuto’s cheek.
“If I had to give an answer, it would be that I like you too much. You’re too good to be just friends with.”
It wasn’t until Rob gently stroked his cheek that it occurred to Yuto what Rob was trying to say.
“Rob, I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Yuto said firmly as he gripped Rob’s hand.
“I know. I was just being honest about my feelings.”
A long silence fell over them in the car. Yuto sighed, feeling as if he were trapped from all sides.
“So in the end I was just played, huh.”
“No,” Rob insisted. “I genuinely wanted to be friends with you. This was an accident.”
“You’re a sneaky guy,” Yuto glared at Rob’s unfazed face. “So, what’re you after? What do you want me to do?”
Rob had gone out of his way to give him a glimpse of his ulterior motives. He no doubt had an unsavoury plan to get something in exchange for information about Nathan.
“Oh, I’m glad you asked first. I’ll be upfront, then. Yuto, I want you to agree to a kiss,” Rob said cheerfully. Yuto felt the strength leave him and slumped in exasperation.
“What kind of guy are you, really? I have no idea if you’re good or bad.”
“I don’t know, either. To be honest, I’m kind of surprised how manipulative I can be. I didn’t know I was the kind of guy to pull dirty tricks like this. I’m impressed, frankly.”
If this was anyone else, Yuto would probably have gotten angry and looked upon him with scorn. But Rob went about it with such a bright and breezy attitude that Yuto could only roll his eyes.
He’s impossible to hate. Or, rather, I just feel idiotic taking him seriously.
“Is a kiss all you need? If I do, you’ll promise to give me information about Nathan?”
Yuto was starting not to care. Let things lead him where they may – if a kiss could get him an important lead, it was a bargain.
“I promise. I won’t coerce someone who’s unwilling to have sex with me. I’m not that evil.”
“Alright. Then I’m all yours,” Yuto said resignedly, facing forward.
“Excuse me,” Rob said as he leaned over and reclined Yuto’s seat all the way back.
“That’s a bit much, isn’t it?” Yuto interjected.
“Why not? Might as well get into the romantic mood, right?” Rob laughed as he crouched over Yuto. Yuto glared at him icily.
“I’m no masochist, but it turns me on when you glare at me like that,” Rob said.
“You can cut the bullshit and get it over with, Rob,” Yuto snapped.
“Alright, alright,” Rob said lightly as he brushed off Yuto’s comment. “Just don’t bite off my tongue, alright? I don’t want this to end in a bloody mess.”
“If you go further than a kiss, then I can’t guarantee anything.”
Yuto closed his eyes resolutely, wanting it to be over quickly. But no matter how long he waited, he couldn’t feel any lips brush against his.
“…?” Yuto cracked his eyes open to peek at what was going on, and found Rob’s face in front of him trying to hold in a laugh.
“Rob…?”
“You’re so cute. You actually took my joke seriously.”
Joke? The word made Yuto’s mind freeze.
“Were you pulling my leg?”
“I’m sorry. I thought you’d just say no.”
Yuto’s cheeks were burning. He was speechless from embarrassment and anger.
“Get off of me!” Yuto shoved Rob away with as much force as he could muster. Rob gave a cry as he fell back into the driver’s seat.
“That was really low of you, you know that? You find it funny that I’m desperate, huh?”
Yuto stormed out the car.
“Yuto, wait―” Rob started, but Yuto ignored him and slammed the door shut loudly. Rob quickly rolled down the passenger window and leaned out.
“I’m sorry for teasing you. Please, can you wait…!”
Yuto kept walking, his back turned. Rob still called out to him.
“Tomorrow at three o’clock! Come to my place!”
Yuto paused and turned around, his face livid.
“Why?”
“I’ll talk to you about Nathan. I promise. I’ll tell you everything I know.” Rob looked as serious as can be.
“Can I trust you this time?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry for insulting you when you’re just trying to do your job. I’m sorry, and I mean it. Please trust me.”
“Fine,” Yuto said, feeling no choice after hearing Rob’s desperate plea. “I’ll be there tomorrow.”
“I’ll be waiting. Good night.”
As soon as he got back to his hotel room, Yuto headed straight for the shower. He reeked of alcohol and cigarettes after spending long hours at the club.
Once he got out of the shower refreshed, Yuto slipped into the sheets without bothering to get dressed. He felt strangely exhausted. The best thing to do, he decided, was just to turn off his thoughts and get some sleep.
He didn’t deny that he felt angry at Rob for leading him on a wild goose chase. But he told himself it hadn’t been for naught, as he was going to get to hear about Nathan tomorrow. He would get that information this time, he told himself.
He closed his eyes, but sleep did not come easily. As he tossed and turned irritably, images from that night repeatedly resurfaced in his mind, including the intimate scenes between the men at the club and Rob’s face, whom he had parted with earlier.
If Rob had been serious, he would have kissed a man in the car back there. Yuto found himself imagining what could have happened, and hurriedly pushed the thoughts out of his mind.
It wasn’t as if he had wanted to kiss Rob. Most certainly not.
Yuto felt uneasy. Maybe he was sexually pent-up, he thought to himself. Come to think of it, he hadn’t masturbated for a few days now.
He wondered if it would help him fall asleep if he could let one out.
Yuto reluctantly reached down to his crotch and started to touch himself. All he intended to do was pump himself mechanically and get it over with, but fragmented fantasies raced through his mind dizzyingly.
The couple making out in the club morphed into himself and Dick. They sought each other hungrily, running their hands over each other’s hot skin.
Dick had pleasured Yuto with his hand in the infirmary shower room. Yuto moved his hand faster as he remembered Dick from that time.
Dick was the one touching him ― the thought made him even more aroused.
Dick ― Dick, I can’t, I’m―
“What do you mean, ‘no’? Look how much you’re liking it.”
He remembered Dick’s murmur from long ago, and felt his heart stir painfully.
Dick, Dick. I miss you. I want to see you.
“Mmh…!”
Just as he was about to lend himself to the surge of pleasure, he heard a different voice butt in.
“BB, what’s it like inside the yellow bitch?”
“Damn good. Nice and tight.”
Yuto’s body went rigid. He felt the blood receding from his face, and even a wave of nausea coming on. Of course, his arousal vanished instantly, and he could no longer continue.
“Fucking hell,” he muttered weakly, holding his head as he curled up in bed.
The loathsome memories of the time in the prison showers came back to him unprompted from time to time. It happened especially when he remembered having sex with Dick, and always came at the same time.
Although Yuto had felt a load off of his shoulders when his last HIV test came back negative, his concerns about sexually transmitted infections was a whole different matter from the emotional shock of being raped. The mental wound that he had suffered was not going to heal so easily.
He knew that forgetting about it – forgetting about everything – was the best remedy.
Yuto pulled the sheets over his head as he waited and waited for sleep to take him.
Rob introduced himself as he gripped the steering wheel.
“I’m thirty-four. I went to University of Virginia before going to Georgetown University in DC, and came back here three years ago. Now I’m teaching as a visiting professor at my alma mater, the University of California.”
It was an illustrious career, worthy of applause. He probably had considerable academic experience and achievements under his belt if he had already been made a visiting professor at such a young age.
Nonetheless, Rob’s demeanour was laidback, and he didn’t show a hint of arrogance. Although he seemed to have an eccentric side, he was friendly, down-to-earth, and wasn’t pretentious about his achievements. Yuto had a good impression of him.
“You can call me Rob. I don’t like stuffy formalities. Let’s be frank with each other, alright?”
“Sure. You can call me Yuto, too.”
Rob drove the SUV into West Hollywood, located at the halfway point between Beverly Hills and Hollywood. As they drove down Melrose Avenue, there were many same-sex couples spotted holding hands as they strolled down the street. West Hollywood had many tasteful, fashionable shops, and was also known for its many gay residents. Even the mayor was gay, and an extravagant gay pride parade was hosted there every year.
Rob pulled up in front of a building and got out of the car, handing the keys to the valet.
“Alright, let’s go,” Rob said. “It might be a club, but the clientele are older, so it won’t be too loud. I’m sure you’ll be able to enjoy yourself.”
Despite Rob’s remark, a club was still a club – a place that blasted thumping dance music at full volume. Yuto’s ears started hurting as soon as he stepped inside. He and Rob took two open seats at the bar in the very back. They were far enough from the dance floor that they were able to have a conversation without shouting.
Yuto gazed at the dancing guests. I knew it, he thought inwardly. Everywhere he looked, the place was full of men. There were a few women, but as he expected, they were all huddled close with other women. Rob had brought him to a gay club.
Rob ordered a non-alcoholic beer. Yuto was surprised, under the impression that he was going to call a designated driver to drive him home.
“I thought you were going to drink the night away?”
“Not today. Don’t mind me, I can still get drunk without drinking. It’s one of my special abilities. You should have something to drink – I’ll give you a ride back to wherever you need to go.”
Perhaps it was Rob’s way of trying to make Yuto feel comfortable, being the one who had invited him out. He was assertive but unexpected gentlemanly at times, and it threw him off. He was an enigma.
“Hi Rob, haven’t seen you in a while.” A slim young man approached them wearing a tight, sequinned T-shirt.
“Hey, Marv. How’s it going?”
The two exchanged a friendly hug and kiss.
“Who’s this?” said Marv, scrutinizing Yuto. “Your new boyfriend? Does that mean you’ve already gotten over Al?”
Rob gave a crooked smile.
“Unfortunately, we’re not like that.”
“So, friends?”
“Not yet. I’m testing him to see if we can be friends.”
Marv shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you have to test someone to decide if you want to be friends,” he muttered before walking away.
“If you wanted to know if I was accepting of gay people, you should have just asked me instead of pulling something like this,” Yuto said.
“Anyone can act accepting on the outside, though, right?” Rob lifted his glass lightly, brushing off Yuto’s complaint. “By the way, I was joking when I said I was testing you. I genuinely brought you here so we could enjoy yourselves. Nothing more. So? How’re you feeling?”
Rob appeared unfazed and carefree. Yuto started to wonder if indeed he had only come to have a good time. All this time he had been on guard, expecting something more than what met the eye. Now he felt like he had gotten worked up for nothing.
“Well, you have nothing to worry about,” said Yuto. “I have nothing against gay people.”
He half wanted to surprise Rob by telling him he had slept with a man before, but he wasn’t going to do something stupid like that to someone he had just met.
“Wanna dance?” Rob said.
“I’m fine. You can go ahead.”
“I’m not going up there by myself. We came out here tonight to get to know each other.”
Rob seemed to know many people there, and one man after another came up to him to say hello. Some invited him to dance, but Rob turned them down with a smile and told them maybe next time.
Yuto found himself starting to get curious about Rob, the university professor enjoying the gay life, comfortable in his own skin.
“Are you still in the closet, or…?” he asked.
“Nope. I’ve come out to people around me.”
Yuto figured as much. He couldn’t see cheerful and big-hearted Rob being troubled about being gay. Yuto sipped his second beer and found himself thinking about his own sexuality.
Yuto had had sex with Dick, and had felt no repulsion whatsoever.
Until then, he had never doubted that he was straight. But maybe he did have a homosexual tendency, and had just not realized it.
“Rob, can I ask you something?”
“What is it?”
“If someone who’s lived as a straight man all his life all of a sudden has sex with another man without any issue, would you say he’s gay?”
Rob smiled at Yuto’s sudden question.
“That’s not enough information to make a judgment. Why did he have sex with another man? Was he pressured into it and couldn’t say no? Or did he have feelings for that man?”
“…I think the latter. He wanted to because he felt for him.”
“Then, he might be gay. But I think the important issue here is not whether he’s gay or straight, but whether those feelings were truly romantic feelings.”
“Why? If a straight guy started having feelings for another guy, I think the first thing he’d want to know is if he was gay or not.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Rob said, hunching his shoulders. “If he has to acknowledge that he’s gay before he can accept having romantic feelings for another man, then he’s probably not truly in love. Sexuality and emotional orientation don’t always match.”
“That sounds confusing,” Yuto sighed. He had trouble forming his thoughts, perhaps due to the loud music and alcohol.
“You seem like the type to use logic to understand things. But love isn’t logical. Do you feel your heart race when your eyes meet? Does your body feel hot when you touch? Do you miss him when you’re apart? I think that’s all you need to come to an answer.”
“Simple and brilliant. Nice logic,” Yuto said sarcastically. “―Excuse me, I’m going to use the washroom.”
Yuto got up and crossed the floor into the hallway. He walked into the washroom to find a couple passionately making out. They didn’t bat an eye as Yuto relieved himself.
Although he saw many couples kissing all over the place, these two seemed to be pushing it; they had their hands all over each other, letting out moans with abandon.
On the way out, Yuto ended up making eye contact with the young man who was pushed up against the wall. The man stared at Yuto over his partner’s shoulder, his face flushed as he smiled at him.
“Care to join us?”
“No thanks,” Yuto said with a wry smile as he stepped out into the hallway. Surrounded by fellow gays, people seemed to lose their inhibitions. He felt like he couldn’t look at anything without catching a glimpse of men embracing and kissing.
But everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Their faces were full of life. Although some may disapprove of them and call them hedonistic, the men here were enjoying the present moment to their fullest.
Yuto knew he wouldn’t belong in that group, but being gay or not didn’t have much to do with it. It was because he didn’t have the mental space to relax and enjoy life right now.
Yuto felt a twinge of jealousy as he absent-mindedly gazed at the men dancing to the music.
* * *
When Rob asked where he was staying, Yuto gave him the name of his hotel downtown. Rob kept his promise and drove Yuto back to his hotel.
“Thanks for coming out tonight,” Rob smiled at him when they pulled in to the underground parking lot.
“So, Rob, am I fit to be your friend?”
“…About that. I don’t think so,” Rob said ruefully. Yuto was genuinely disappointed. In his eyes, they’d had a lively conversation at the club, and Rob seemed to enjoy himself. Yuto had anticipated that Rob would tell him about Nathan, and the expectation made Rob’s answer come all the more as a shock.
“Can you tell me what you didn’t like about me?”
There was no time to dawdle. He had to get his hands on some kind of new information in the next two days, or he would have to leave LA.
“I liked you a lot, actually. You’re sincere and polite. I have no complaints.”
“Then why can’t we be friends? What’s the problem?”
Rob gave a troubled smile and suddenly reached over to touch Yuto’s cheek.
“If I had to give an answer, it would be that I like you too much. You’re too good to be just friends with.”
It wasn’t until Rob gently stroked his cheek that it occurred to Yuto what Rob was trying to say.
“Rob, I’m sorry, but I can’t,” Yuto said firmly as he gripped Rob’s hand.
“I know. I was just being honest about my feelings.”
A long silence fell over them in the car. Yuto sighed, feeling as if he were trapped from all sides.
“So in the end I was just played, huh.”
“No,” Rob insisted. “I genuinely wanted to be friends with you. This was an accident.”
“You’re a sneaky guy,” Yuto glared at Rob’s unfazed face. “So, what’re you after? What do you want me to do?”
Rob had gone out of his way to give him a glimpse of his ulterior motives. He no doubt had an unsavoury plan to get something in exchange for information about Nathan.
“Oh, I’m glad you asked first. I’ll be upfront, then. Yuto, I want you to agree to a kiss,” Rob said cheerfully. Yuto felt the strength leave him and slumped in exasperation.
“What kind of guy are you, really? I have no idea if you’re good or bad.”
“I don’t know, either. To be honest, I’m kind of surprised how manipulative I can be. I didn’t know I was the kind of guy to pull dirty tricks like this. I’m impressed, frankly.”
If this was anyone else, Yuto would probably have gotten angry and looked upon him with scorn. But Rob went about it with such a bright and breezy attitude that Yuto could only roll his eyes.
He’s impossible to hate. Or, rather, I just feel idiotic taking him seriously.
“Is a kiss all you need? If I do, you’ll promise to give me information about Nathan?”
Yuto was starting not to care. Let things lead him where they may – if a kiss could get him an important lead, it was a bargain.
“I promise. I won’t coerce someone who’s unwilling to have sex with me. I’m not that evil.”
“Alright. Then I’m all yours,” Yuto said resignedly, facing forward.
“Excuse me,” Rob said as he leaned over and reclined Yuto’s seat all the way back.
“That’s a bit much, isn’t it?” Yuto interjected.
“Why not? Might as well get into the romantic mood, right?” Rob laughed as he crouched over Yuto. Yuto glared at him icily.
“I’m no masochist, but it turns me on when you glare at me like that,” Rob said.
“You can cut the bullshit and get it over with, Rob,” Yuto snapped.
“Alright, alright,” Rob said lightly as he brushed off Yuto’s comment. “Just don’t bite off my tongue, alright? I don’t want this to end in a bloody mess.”
“If you go further than a kiss, then I can’t guarantee anything.”
Yuto closed his eyes resolutely, wanting it to be over quickly. But no matter how long he waited, he couldn’t feel any lips brush against his.
“…?” Yuto cracked his eyes open to peek at what was going on, and found Rob’s face in front of him trying to hold in a laugh.
“Rob…?”
“You’re so cute. You actually took my joke seriously.”
Joke? The word made Yuto’s mind freeze.
“Were you pulling my leg?”
“I’m sorry. I thought you’d just say no.”
Yuto’s cheeks were burning. He was speechless from embarrassment and anger.
“Get off of me!” Yuto shoved Rob away with as much force as he could muster. Rob gave a cry as he fell back into the driver’s seat.
“That was really low of you, you know that? You find it funny that I’m desperate, huh?”
Yuto stormed out the car.
“Yuto, wait―” Rob started, but Yuto ignored him and slammed the door shut loudly. Rob quickly rolled down the passenger window and leaned out.
“I’m sorry for teasing you. Please, can you wait…!”
Yuto kept walking, his back turned. Rob still called out to him.
“Tomorrow at three o’clock! Come to my place!”
Yuto paused and turned around, his face livid.
“Why?”
“I’ll talk to you about Nathan. I promise. I’ll tell you everything I know.” Rob looked as serious as can be.
“Can I trust you this time?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry for insulting you when you’re just trying to do your job. I’m sorry, and I mean it. Please trust me.”
“Fine,” Yuto said, feeling no choice after hearing Rob’s desperate plea. “I’ll be there tomorrow.”
“I’ll be waiting. Good night.”
As soon as he got back to his hotel room, Yuto headed straight for the shower. He reeked of alcohol and cigarettes after spending long hours at the club.
Once he got out of the shower refreshed, Yuto slipped into the sheets without bothering to get dressed. He felt strangely exhausted. The best thing to do, he decided, was just to turn off his thoughts and get some sleep.
He didn’t deny that he felt angry at Rob for leading him on a wild goose chase. But he told himself it hadn’t been for naught, as he was going to get to hear about Nathan tomorrow. He would get that information this time, he told himself.
He closed his eyes, but sleep did not come easily. As he tossed and turned irritably, images from that night repeatedly resurfaced in his mind, including the intimate scenes between the men at the club and Rob’s face, whom he had parted with earlier.
If Rob had been serious, he would have kissed a man in the car back there. Yuto found himself imagining what could have happened, and hurriedly pushed the thoughts out of his mind.
It wasn’t as if he had wanted to kiss Rob. Most certainly not.
Yuto felt uneasy. Maybe he was sexually pent-up, he thought to himself. Come to think of it, he hadn’t masturbated for a few days now.
He wondered if it would help him fall asleep if he could let one out.
Yuto reluctantly reached down to his crotch and started to touch himself. All he intended to do was pump himself mechanically and get it over with, but fragmented fantasies raced through his mind dizzyingly.
The couple making out in the club morphed into himself and Dick. They sought each other hungrily, running their hands over each other’s hot skin.
Dick had pleasured Yuto with his hand in the infirmary shower room. Yuto moved his hand faster as he remembered Dick from that time.
Dick was the one touching him ― the thought made him even more aroused.
Dick ― Dick, I can’t, I’m―
“What do you mean, ‘no’? Look how much you’re liking it.”
He remembered Dick’s murmur from long ago, and felt his heart stir painfully.
Dick, Dick. I miss you. I want to see you.
“Mmh…!”
Just as he was about to lend himself to the surge of pleasure, he heard a different voice butt in.
“BB, what’s it like inside the yellow bitch?”
“Damn good. Nice and tight.”
Yuto’s body went rigid. He felt the blood receding from his face, and even a wave of nausea coming on. Of course, his arousal vanished instantly, and he could no longer continue.
“Fucking hell,” he muttered weakly, holding his head as he curled up in bed.
The loathsome memories of the time in the prison showers came back to him unprompted from time to time. It happened especially when he remembered having sex with Dick, and always came at the same time.
Although Yuto had felt a load off of his shoulders when his last HIV test came back negative, his concerns about sexually transmitted infections was a whole different matter from the emotional shock of being raped. The mental wound that he had suffered was not going to heal so easily.
He knew that forgetting about it – forgetting about everything – was the best remedy.
Yuto pulled the sheets over his head as he waited and waited for sleep to take him.
