“Are you sure about this?”
“Well, you already checked out of your hotel, didn’t you?”
Rob was right.
“Yeah, but still. I hope I’m not intruding.”
Upon returning to LA, Rob and Yuto had gotten dinner in downtown Chinatown. After that, Yuto had checked out of his hotel and brought his things to Rob’s house.
Although Yuto had initially refused Rob’s offer to stay at his house, Rob was so insistent that Yuto finally caved. It was obvious that Rob wasn’t offering out of pure goodwill and that he had other intentions; however, Yuto was sure that the man wasn’t the type to force himself onto anyone. He knew he didn’t have to be overly on-guard around Rob.
“Stop being a worry wart,” Rob smiled in exasperation as he sat down across from Yuto on the sofa. “If you were intruding, I wouldn’t ask you to come over in the first place.”
“But if I’m here, you won’t be able to bring anyone home.”
“Are you taking a swipe at me? You know I’m not dating anyone. I’ve been lonely and single since I was dumped three months ago.”
“Whoever he was, he didn’t know what he was losing,” Yuto quipped. “It’s not every day you meet a university professor who’s not only handsome and nice, but also good at changing diapers.”
“Why, thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better compliment,” Rob laughed as he untied his tie and threw it at Yuto. “Anyway, what about you, Yuto? Don’t you have some cute girl waiting for you back in New York?”
“If I did, I’d be too busy on the phone with her to be here drinking with you, Rob.”
“You’ve got a point. Some more?” Rob said as he poured white wine into Yuto’s empty glass. “Speaking of phones, the guy you were talking with… Heiden? Is he your supervisor?”
“Yeah. He’s a prick, but thanks to you, he was in an irritatingly good mood. Looks like Nathan’s interview hit a jackpot. He was so impressed with it, I didn’t get in trouble for my lack of leads from visiting Schelger.”
Yuto had called Heiden the previous day to tell him that he wanted to bring Rob onto the case. At first Heiden was not convinced, despite Yuto explaining that Rob was a criminologist who had cooperated with the FBI before. However, as soon as Yuto mentioned that Rob had interview footage of Nathan, Heiden had instantly changed his mind and given immediate permission. Right now, he was probably frantically analyzing the footage that Yuto had sent.
“It’s important to hear things directly from people,” Rob said. “Sometimes there are important clues hidden in the things they say and how they act.”
Despite Rob’s words, Yuto hadn’t been able to spot anything noteworthy in their conversations with Gasly and Spencer. When he complained of the fact to Rob, Rob pointed out that the relationship between Corvus and the previous Warden Corning may be an important point to focus on.
“What was their relationship like from what you saw, Yuto?”
“Well, being inmates, we didn’t get to see the warden much in the first place. Oh, wait, there was one time. I saw Corning come to the library to see Corvus, and he was in a rage about something.”
“The warden came all the way to visit him?” Rob asked with interest. Yuto explained to him what he overheard. He recalled that they were talking about Neto. Neto had been placed into solitary for an extended period to prevent the dispute between the Blacks and Chicanos from turning violent, but had suddenly been returned to his regular cell around that time.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself – not everything is going to go your way. It was a massive accommodation we had to make on our part just returning Libera to the general holding cells,” Corning had said, clearly in a bad mood.
“Mr. Corning, I explained to you many times before, Libera’s release will have positive results for the prison itself, too,” Corvus, posing as Nathan, had responded mildly.
“Almost like their positions are reversed,” Rob said with a scowl as Yuto finished his story. At the time, Yuto had found nothing strange about their conversation, as Nathan was advocating for inmates’ rights at the time. It made sense if he had taken issue with Neto’s unjust confinement and had petitioned Corning to improve his conditions.
“Judging from what you overheard, that would mean Corvus was the one behind Neto’s release. What was his purpose?”
Yuto pressed a hand against his forehead. He felt like he was forgetting something important. He closed his eyes, reaching out to pull his memories toward him. What was Corvus after at the time?
“Did someone order you to start a riot? Or was this all your decision?”
Dick’s words suddenly surfaced in his mind.
“…The riot. Corvus wanted a riot to happen.”
“A riot? But why?”
“I don’t know why, but he definitely wanted one. Dick was saying something like that to him.”
Dick and Corvus had found out about each other’s identities for the first time when the riot occurred. Held at gunpoint by Corvus, Dick had asked if he was the one who had killed Choker, the boss of the Black gang. If Choker died, next in line would be BB, who was itching to stamp out the Chicanos. Racial disputes would escalate even more.
“I see. And if Libera was released, and that BB guy became the next boss, tensions would rise even more between the Blacks and Chicanos. Excellent breeding grounds for a riot.”
“Yeah. The question is, why did Corvus want a riot to happen?”
“Because it would make it easier for him to escape? No, that can’t be it. If he had Corning wrapped around his finger, he wouldn’t have had to go through so much trouble to get out of prison. Yuto, we need as much information to work with as possible. Can you tell me everything you remember talking about with Corvus?”
“Yeah. I’ve been meaning to tell you as well.”
Yuto spoke about Corvus being strongly dissatisfied about the state of prisons in America today. The number of inmates were rising at horrific rates each year, but the crimes weren’t increasing – only incarceration was.
“Corvus has a point. The correctional services conglomerates have now developed to the point where they’re an essential part of the country’s economy. …I actually left Georgetown because another professor and I were at odds with each to her over the privatization of prisons.”
Yuto couldn’t hide his surprise at the unexpected revelation.
“What do you mean?”
“He was a renowned academic who was a proponent for prison privatization. But behind the scenes, he was receiving money from Smith Bucks Company.”
“Smith Bucks Company also operates Schelger Prison, right?”
“Yeah. He technically wasn’t breaking the law, since he claimed that the money he received was financial assistance for his research, or tokens of appreciation for participating in their committees. But he was using his research to make money. Now, I don’t mean to paint privatization as all bad off the bat, but I got sick and tired of his dirty tricks. Corvus is right. There is something wrong with our country. About half of our country’s budget is being funneled into unproductive areas – police, armies, prisons. If they have massive amounts of money to be building prisons, they should be building schools and housing for low-income households. Wouldn’t you agree? Laws are even being rewritten in pursuit of profit. They’re all in bed with corporations, politicians, and academics alike.”
Yuto discreetly poured more wine into Rob’s glass as the man spoke angrily and vehemently. Rob seemed to notice and became embarrassed at getting worked up.
“I’m sorry,” he said hastily. “I’m not saying that Corvus is the good guy.”
“I know. Corvus was just acting his part as Nathan – considerate, intelligent, and respected by everyone. I wouldn’t say that was Corvus’ own opinions, I’d say…” Yuto trailed off, staring at the wine glass in front of him.
“He got so wrapped up with becoming Nathan that he let a few things slip.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“That’s what Dick told me. He said that I’d find Corvus beyond the dark underbelly of the prison industry.”
“Dark underbelly?” Rob repeated, and looked up at the ceiling exaggeratedly. “Why in the world would Dick use such a vague expression?”
“He had a contract with the CIA. He probably had an obligation to keep things confidential. That was probably the best hint he could give me.”
Dick had broken the rules to tell Yuto everything, solely so that Yuto could have the upper hand when negotiating with the FBI, and claim freedom with his own hands.
“Have another?” Rob raised the empty wine bottle. Yuto shook his head.
“I better not. I think I’m a little drunk.”
“Feel free to lie down. Treat this place like your own.”
Yuto obliged and put his feet up on the sofa, propping his elbow against the backrest and supporting his heavy head with his palm. He felt a comfortable light-headedness, and felt like going to sleep right there.
“…Yuto. Do you mind if I ask you something personal?” Rob said, suddenly serious. Yuto blinked lazily back at him to tell him to go on.
“What kind of relationship did you and Dick have?”
Yuto was confused at what Rob was trying to get at.
“Dick was my cellmate and a CIA agent. He had an eye on me because he thought I was sent by their opponent, the FBI. Didn’t I tell you before?”
“You did. But you guys seemed to be very close even though you were in opposing positions, so I just thought it was kind of strange.”
“I didn’t know Dick was in the CIA.”
“But he thought you were an enemy, right? But Spencer said that Dick genuinely cared about you. ―To me, it looks like you care a lot about Dick, too. Every time his name comes up, you get this pained look… no, not pained. I don’t know how to describe it. This forlorn look in your eyes.”
Yuto had no words as he gazed at Rob’s serious face. He wondered how much of his feelings had been written all over his face.
He felt a restlessness in his chest, and an anxious feeling like his feet were getting swept out from under him. His comfortable light-headedness suddenly turned unpleasant.
“You can be enemies and still be friends.”
“Were you really just friends?”
Rob’s accusatory tone got on his nerves. Yuto narrowed his eyes in discontent as he looked back at Rob. Rob didn’t seem to care.
“Are you sure you and Dick didn’t have a relationship beyond that?”
Yuto had been getting an idea of what Rob was trying to say, so he wasn’t surprised. He even felt a sense of defiance bubbling up. So what if I did? He thought.
“What do you mean, ‘relationship beyond that’? Can you stop beating around the bush and spit it out?”
Yuto even surprised himself at the cold voice that escaped his lips.
“Fine, let me start over. In prison, I’ve heard that men sometimes have sexual relationships with other men as a method of compensation, or are forced into have sex, even if they’re not gay. I’m asking if you and Dick were in that kind of―”
“That’s a real roundabout way of asking if I slept with Dick. That’s what you want to know, right?”
Rob gulped as he stared back at Yuto, who had a defiant glint in his eyes.
“I just… I just wanted to know how you feel about Dick…”
“Your curiosity knows no bounds, does it?”
Yuto’s rising irritation and anger showed in his increasingly aggressive tone. But it wasn’t anger at Rob, but at himself. He hated how just a light touch on a sensitive nerve could get him so emotional, but once he started, he couldn’t stop.
“Do you want to know how inmates satisfied themselves sexually within the walls? Or are you turning this into some research on homosexuality in prison, since you’ve got a nice sample specimen in front of you?”
“Yuto, I didn’t mean―”
“If you want to hear about it so much, I’ll tell you. Yes, I did have sex with men when I was in prison. My first time was with a guy named BB, from the Black gang. He picked me out and was bragging to everyone that he’d make me his bitch.”
His drunken state further accelerated his impulse to harm himself. Yuto felt as if he were stabbing himself with a knife as he continued to speak.
“I was pinned down by a group of men in the showers and fucked from behind by BB. Afterwards, I fainted like a sissy and had to be taken to the infirmary. While I was unconscious, I had my rectum probed by Spencer to see if the rapist had left any semen behind. Even… even after that humiliating ordeal, I still chose to sleep with Dick.”
Yuto’s masochistic impulse did not stop. He even felt a twisted satisfaction at tearing his own heart into shreds.
“Yuto, that’s enough, please―”
“But that time, I was the one that came onto him. I asked him to fuck me like a girl. I straddled him and begged for it. I wanted him so badly. Even after being raped by a man, I still wanted to sleep with him. That’s ― that’s the kind of guy I am…!”
Yuto clamped his right hand over his mouth as if to rein himself in, but his hand shook violently.
Rob was gazing at him sympathetically, as if pained by what he was seeing. Yuto was overcome with regret. He had lost his temper, not because he was angry at Rob but because he still hadn’t come to terms with what happened in prison. It was only now that he realized how raw it still was.
He did not regret having sex with Dick at all. He believed it was something they needed at the time. But every time he remembered the act of having sex with Dick, he was always forced to remember that he had been raped as well. Although the two occasions were separate and nothing like each other, in Yuto’s heart they were tangled together like two sides of the same coin.
“I’m sorry, Rob…”
“Don’t be. It was insensitive of me. You had every right to get angry.”
Rob’s kindness made his heart ache. It would have been easier if the man had looked upon him with scorn.
“―I wasn’t angry at you. I just can’t forgive myself, and it makes me hate myself so much.”
As Yuto hung his head, Rob stood up and came beside him. He laid a gentle hand across his shoulders and rubbed his back as if to console him. Yuto could feel his tension ebbing away at Rob’s soft touch.
“It was a painful experience for you. If you like, I’ll hear you out. You’ll feel better if you vent.”
Yuto pressed his forehead against Rob’s shoulder, almost clinging to him.
“Yuto, you’re the type to try to solve everything by yourself when you’re in pain, aren’t you? You don’t rely on anyone else. People like you tend to bottle everything up inside, and that’s why they can never digest and get past whatever’s happened to them in the past.”
“―But everyone has things they don’t want to talk about.”
“Then you need to talk to yourself about it. Tell yourself, ‘you’ve been through so much pain, you’ve suffered so much.’ You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself. There’s no shame in that. The only person who can comfort past you is present you.”
“You think so?” Yuto murmured.
“Yeah,” Rob said as he drew Yuto close by his shoulders.
“Rob…”
“Hmm?”
“What should I do when I experience something good and bad at the same time? I can’t seem to separate the two. I only want to leave memories of the good experience, but I always end up remembering the bad one with it. And it makes the good experience painful to remember.”
“Let’s see… in that case, I think you should go through that same good experience over and over again. As you repeat it, you’ll eventually stop remembering the bad experience.”
Yuto smiled as he were about to cry and shook his head.
“But I can’t.”
“―You don’t have to answer me, but I’m guessing that the bad experience was getting raped, and the good experience was sleeping with Dick?”
Yuto nodded slightly. He had already brought everything out in the open with Rob. There was no use hiding things now.
“So what you were saying about the guy who slept with another guy even though he wasn’t gay was about you, huh. Did you love Dick that much?”
“Yeah. Or else I wouldn’t have slept with another man. Until I met Dick, I’d lived all my life thinking I was heterosexual.”
“Did you join the FBI because you want to look for him?”
“―I just hope I can see him again. I don’t want Dick to become a part of the past. Of course, that’s not the only reason why I’m doing this investigation, but going after Corvus and searching for Dick are one and the same for me. They’re like two sides of the same coin.”
“Why did you feel that way toward Dick when you aren’t gay?”
Rob’s calm tone and warmth was comforting. He felt like he could confide anything in the man.
Yuto answered each question that Rob asked, slowly unravelling his story of how he met Dick, how at first he found the man a jerk, and how he gradually became interested in him despite that.
He talked about how he felt sympathy for Dick’s lonely upbringing; how happy he felt at the unexpected gestures of kindness; and how he felt deeply fulfilled by the warmth that the man gave him.
Once he finished listening to Yuto’s story, Rob spoke.
“I’m sorry if this offends you,” he said first before giving his honest opinion. “I think there’s no arguing that you have strong feelings for Dick. But do you think they’re really romantic feelings? You suffered great emotional pain from being imprisoned on false charges, and not only that, you were under immense pressure regarding Corvus’ case. And in that state, you were thrown into a world where violence and rape were everyday occurrences. You may not have realized it, but your mental state was probably stretched close to breaking.”
“…What does that have to do with my feelings?”
“Have you ever heard of ‘misattribution of arousal’? In laymen’s terms, it’s sometimes called the suspension bridge effect. It’s an academic theory that says a man and a woman who meet on a wavering suspension bridge are more likely to fall in love than those who meet on a regular bridge. Basically, it’s when someone is agitated due to their situation or environment, but the brain misinterprets that as being caused by the person in front of them. In the movie Speed, the heroine is told that couples who get together under abnormal circumstances don’t last. It’s the same theory.”
Yuto felt confused as he looked up at Rob.
“Are you saying that I’m misinterpreting my feelings?”
“When someone is kind to you when you’re emotionally unstable, you’re susceptible to becoming dependent on them. In a place with no members of the opposite sex, you’re also more susceptible to having pseudo-romantic feelings toward the same sex. I don’t think you can rule out the possibility that your feelings toward Dick are temporary. Maybe your environment and situation goaded you into having sex with him, and your feelings are actually just friendship. I wouldn’t say something like this if you were gay, but if it’s a misunderstanding, I thought it would be best for you to wake up sooner than later. The longer you fool yourself, the more painful it’ll be.”
Listening to Rob was making Yuto feel more and more uncertain about his feelings.
Was it an illusion of love that arose from special circumstances? If no incidents had happened and they had lived together simply as friends who got along, would he not have been so swept away by Dick?
Yuto shook his head and stopped trying to think. He could question himself all he liked, but he wasn’t going to get an answer. Nothing was more inscrutable than one’s own heart.
“You’re confusing me, Rob. At the club, you said love is simple. Now you’re saying it might be an illusion. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Rob smiled playfully. “You’re damn right,” he said as he clapped Yuto’s knee. “I know I’m contradicting myself. Maybe I gave a bullshit answer at the club because it had nothing to do with me. Now, maybe I’m saying these things to get you to give up on Dick. When a guy who’s trying to make moves on you gives you advice, you should take it with a grain of salt.”
Yuto found himself chuckling.
“You’re all over the place. And I thought you said you were going to set aside your ulterior motives?”
“It’s hard for me to keep my resolve.”
“Stop making excuses,” Yuto smiled wryly. Rob rested one arm on the backrest of the sofa as his face suddenly took on a serious expression.
“I feel like I know how Dick feels. Even though he knew you were an enemy, he probably couldn’t help but lend you a hand.”
“Are you saying that I seem unreliable and in need of help?”
“No, I’m not saying that. But there’s something about you that makes a man want to protect you.”
A slight smile played on Rob’s lips as he stared at Yuto in a strangely seductive manner. Normally, Rob smiled in an open and unassuming way. Yuto wondered why the man had to choose this moment to turn on his manly charm.
“So, picking up where we left off. There’s one quick way you can check if you’re gay or not.”
“…Which is?” Yuto turned to Rob apprehensively.
“Try sleeping with someone other than Dick. If you can enjoy sex with another man, you’re more likely to be gay.”
Yuto wasn’t sure if the man was joking or serious.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not easygoing enough to have sex with a guy just to test something out.”
“Then, how about a kiss? If you can have a deep kiss with a guy without feeling disgust or unpleasantness, I think you’d get a great hint about your sexuality.”
“And who am I supposed to test this out with?”
“Me.”
Yuto wasn’t surprised; he had expected this answer.
“Rob, I thought I told you not to make moves on me.”
“It’s nothing serious like that. It’s just a kiss. …Or are you afraid? Afraid that you’ll lose yourself in my kiss?”
Rob had an answer for everything. Yuto didn’t have the energy to get angry at him, and he couldn’t even bother to be exasperated.
“Yuto, you should definitely try kissing me. If you don’t like it, just push me away. But if it’s enough to make you swoon, you’re very likely to be gay.”
“Sounds like a bit of a stretch. Do you want to kiss me that badly?” Yuto laughed as he leaned back and rested his head on the sofa.
“Yeah, I do,” Rob nodded as he smiled. “Something might change if you kiss me. Maybe you’ll start to think of me more and more, and you’ll be more occupied about me than Dick.”
“Not only are you an optimist, you have a huge ego. I’m sorry, but I won’t fall for you over a kiss.”
“You don’t know until you try. It’s your chance to forget about Dick.”
“I wish it was that easy to forget about him.”
Rob reached out and stroked his cheek.
“That’s why we have to try. Come on, kiss me and see,” Rob whispered as he drew closer. Strangely enough, Yuto didn’t feel repulsed. Was it because he was gay, or because he had feelings for Rob?
He wasn’t sure, but he was beginning to feel a budding curiosity toward how he would feel kissing another man who wasn’t Dick. Apparently he had fallen under the influence of Rob’s nonsense.
“Do you always smooth talk people into getting your way like that?”
“No way. You’re the first person I’ve gone through such pains to get a kiss from.”
Their faces were so close as they murmured that they could feel each other’s breaths. Admittedly, the mood wasn’t all that bad.
If he kissed Rob, would he learn something new?
“You might as well enjoy it, too. You don’t dislike kissing, do you?”
Something in Yuto’s heart fluttered at Rob’s low voice. He felt strange sensing the man’s gentle gaze fixed on him.
Rob didn’t jump right into a full-blown kiss, but instead gently pressed his lips against Yuto’s cheek and chin. He felt ticklish at the sensation and Rob’s breath on his skin.
Yuto closed his eyes as he endured Rob’s touch, and eventually the man’s lips overlapped his. Rob gave him several light pecks, softly biting on his lip. Yuto didn’t feel any pronounced disgust.
Rob then inserted his tongue through his slightly-parted lips. Yuto felt an impulse to clamp his mouth shut, but he desperately told himself it didn’t count as a kiss if he pushed the man away. Yuto managed to tolerate Rob’s intrusion.
Rob’s tongue searched out Yuto’s and entwined itself with it. Yuto could feel his body getting hot at the unique sensation of their wet tongues rubbing against each other.
Yuto impulsively pushed back against Rob’s chest, but Rob didn’t budge. He tried to turn his face away, but Rob had one hand on his forehead and the other on his cheek so that he couldn’t move.
“…Hnh… mm…”
A muffled moan escaped his lips. Yuto felt his body tense up in embarrassment as he realized that he was feeling aroused by Rob’s kiss.
Rob broke away for a moment and brought his lips to Yuto’s earlobe.
“Yuto, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a short escape. Relax…”
Yuto shook his head, out of breath.
“I want you to stop.”
“No. Just a bit more. I’m not satisfied yet.”
Rob kissed him again, more deeply and sensually than the last. Rob’s tongue made a wet sound as he licked Yuto’s lips, and he sucked on Yuto’s tongue until it hurt. He felt like Rob had taken over his entire mouth. He felt an arousal that was almost like having sex. No matter how much he tried to restrain himself, his lips moved against his will and invited Rob in.
A little voice in his mind warned him not to get carried away, but his body surrendered to Rob’s skilful kiss and was pleading for more of the sweet pleasure.
So it doesn’t have to be Dick? You can enjoy other men, too?
Yuto felt somewhat disappointed in himself, but quickly reprimanded himself. That wasn’t it.
The body could feel pleasure with anyone as long as it was in the mood. If it was only about satisfying his sexual desires, anyone would do.
But Dick was the only one who would make his heart feel fulfilled. Dick was the only man his heart desired.
“Rob, that’s enough. I―”
“Do you want to go further?” Rob suggested as he kissed Yuto’s neck. “You should try having sex with me. I’m pretty confident about my size.”
Yuto felt his desire diminish instantly at Rob’s vulgar remark. It was hard to believe he was hearing this from a university professor. He pushed Rob aside and stood up.
“…Yuto?”
“Thanks, Rob. Now I’ve got a clear idea of how I feel.”
“Are you sure about this?”
“Well, you already checked out of your hotel, didn’t you?”
Rob was right.
“Yeah, but still. I hope I’m not intruding.”
Upon returning to LA, Rob and Yuto had gotten dinner in downtown Chinatown. After that, Yuto had checked out of his hotel and brought his things to Rob’s house.
Although Yuto had initially refused Rob’s offer to stay at his house, Rob was so insistent that Yuto finally caved. It was obvious that Rob wasn’t offering out of pure goodwill and that he had other intentions; however, Yuto was sure that the man wasn’t the type to force himself onto anyone. He knew he didn’t have to be overly on-guard around Rob.
“Stop being a worry wart,” Rob smiled in exasperation as he sat down across from Yuto on the sofa. “If you were intruding, I wouldn’t ask you to come over in the first place.”
“But if I’m here, you won’t be able to bring anyone home.”
“Are you taking a swipe at me? You know I’m not dating anyone. I’ve been lonely and single since I was dumped three months ago.”
“Whoever he was, he didn’t know what he was losing,” Yuto quipped. “It’s not every day you meet a university professor who’s not only handsome and nice, but also good at changing diapers.”
“Why, thank you. I couldn’t ask for a better compliment,” Rob laughed as he untied his tie and threw it at Yuto. “Anyway, what about you, Yuto? Don’t you have some cute girl waiting for you back in New York?”
“If I did, I’d be too busy on the phone with her to be here drinking with you, Rob.”
“You’ve got a point. Some more?” Rob said as he poured white wine into Yuto’s empty glass. “Speaking of phones, the guy you were talking with… Heiden? Is he your supervisor?”
“Yeah. He’s a prick, but thanks to you, he was in an irritatingly good mood. Looks like Nathan’s interview hit a jackpot. He was so impressed with it, I didn’t get in trouble for my lack of leads from visiting Schelger.”
Yuto had called Heiden the previous day to tell him that he wanted to bring Rob onto the case. At first Heiden was not convinced, despite Yuto explaining that Rob was a criminologist who had cooperated with the FBI before. However, as soon as Yuto mentioned that Rob had interview footage of Nathan, Heiden had instantly changed his mind and given immediate permission. Right now, he was probably frantically analyzing the footage that Yuto had sent.
“It’s important to hear things directly from people,” Rob said. “Sometimes there are important clues hidden in the things they say and how they act.”
Despite Rob’s words, Yuto hadn’t been able to spot anything noteworthy in their conversations with Gasly and Spencer. When he complained of the fact to Rob, Rob pointed out that the relationship between Corvus and the previous Warden Corning may be an important point to focus on.
“What was their relationship like from what you saw, Yuto?”
“Well, being inmates, we didn’t get to see the warden much in the first place. Oh, wait, there was one time. I saw Corning come to the library to see Corvus, and he was in a rage about something.”
“The warden came all the way to visit him?” Rob asked with interest. Yuto explained to him what he overheard. He recalled that they were talking about Neto. Neto had been placed into solitary for an extended period to prevent the dispute between the Blacks and Chicanos from turning violent, but had suddenly been returned to his regular cell around that time.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself – not everything is going to go your way. It was a massive accommodation we had to make on our part just returning Libera to the general holding cells,” Corning had said, clearly in a bad mood.
“Mr. Corning, I explained to you many times before, Libera’s release will have positive results for the prison itself, too,” Corvus, posing as Nathan, had responded mildly.
“Almost like their positions are reversed,” Rob said with a scowl as Yuto finished his story. At the time, Yuto had found nothing strange about their conversation, as Nathan was advocating for inmates’ rights at the time. It made sense if he had taken issue with Neto’s unjust confinement and had petitioned Corning to improve his conditions.
“Judging from what you overheard, that would mean Corvus was the one behind Neto’s release. What was his purpose?”
Yuto pressed a hand against his forehead. He felt like he was forgetting something important. He closed his eyes, reaching out to pull his memories toward him. What was Corvus after at the time?
“Did someone order you to start a riot? Or was this all your decision?”
Dick’s words suddenly surfaced in his mind.
“…The riot. Corvus wanted a riot to happen.”
“A riot? But why?”
“I don’t know why, but he definitely wanted one. Dick was saying something like that to him.”
Dick and Corvus had found out about each other’s identities for the first time when the riot occurred. Held at gunpoint by Corvus, Dick had asked if he was the one who had killed Choker, the boss of the Black gang. If Choker died, next in line would be BB, who was itching to stamp out the Chicanos. Racial disputes would escalate even more.
“I see. And if Libera was released, and that BB guy became the next boss, tensions would rise even more between the Blacks and Chicanos. Excellent breeding grounds for a riot.”
“Yeah. The question is, why did Corvus want a riot to happen?”
“Because it would make it easier for him to escape? No, that can’t be it. If he had Corning wrapped around his finger, he wouldn’t have had to go through so much trouble to get out of prison. Yuto, we need as much information to work with as possible. Can you tell me everything you remember talking about with Corvus?”
“Yeah. I’ve been meaning to tell you as well.”
Yuto spoke about Corvus being strongly dissatisfied about the state of prisons in America today. The number of inmates were rising at horrific rates each year, but the crimes weren’t increasing – only incarceration was.
“Corvus has a point. The correctional services conglomerates have now developed to the point where they’re an essential part of the country’s economy. …I actually left Georgetown because another professor and I were at odds with each to her over the privatization of prisons.”
Yuto couldn’t hide his surprise at the unexpected revelation.
“What do you mean?”
“He was a renowned academic who was a proponent for prison privatization. But behind the scenes, he was receiving money from Smith Bucks Company.”
“Smith Bucks Company also operates Schelger Prison, right?”
“Yeah. He technically wasn’t breaking the law, since he claimed that the money he received was financial assistance for his research, or tokens of appreciation for participating in their committees. But he was using his research to make money. Now, I don’t mean to paint privatization as all bad off the bat, but I got sick and tired of his dirty tricks. Corvus is right. There is something wrong with our country. About half of our country’s budget is being funneled into unproductive areas – police, armies, prisons. If they have massive amounts of money to be building prisons, they should be building schools and housing for low-income households. Wouldn’t you agree? Laws are even being rewritten in pursuit of profit. They’re all in bed with corporations, politicians, and academics alike.”
Yuto discreetly poured more wine into Rob’s glass as the man spoke angrily and vehemently. Rob seemed to notice and became embarrassed at getting worked up.
“I’m sorry,” he said hastily. “I’m not saying that Corvus is the good guy.”
“I know. Corvus was just acting his part as Nathan – considerate, intelligent, and respected by everyone. I wouldn’t say that was Corvus’ own opinions, I’d say…” Yuto trailed off, staring at the wine glass in front of him.
“He got so wrapped up with becoming Nathan that he let a few things slip.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“That’s what Dick told me. He said that I’d find Corvus beyond the dark underbelly of the prison industry.”
“Dark underbelly?” Rob repeated, and looked up at the ceiling exaggeratedly. “Why in the world would Dick use such a vague expression?”
“He had a contract with the CIA. He probably had an obligation to keep things confidential. That was probably the best hint he could give me.”
Dick had broken the rules to tell Yuto everything, solely so that Yuto could have the upper hand when negotiating with the FBI, and claim freedom with his own hands.
“Have another?” Rob raised the empty wine bottle. Yuto shook his head.
“I better not. I think I’m a little drunk.”
“Feel free to lie down. Treat this place like your own.”
Yuto obliged and put his feet up on the sofa, propping his elbow against the backrest and supporting his heavy head with his palm. He felt a comfortable light-headedness, and felt like going to sleep right there.
“…Yuto. Do you mind if I ask you something personal?” Rob said, suddenly serious. Yuto blinked lazily back at him to tell him to go on.
“What kind of relationship did you and Dick have?”
Yuto was confused at what Rob was trying to get at.
“Dick was my cellmate and a CIA agent. He had an eye on me because he thought I was sent by their opponent, the FBI. Didn’t I tell you before?”
“You did. But you guys seemed to be very close even though you were in opposing positions, so I just thought it was kind of strange.”
“I didn’t know Dick was in the CIA.”
“But he thought you were an enemy, right? But Spencer said that Dick genuinely cared about you. ―To me, it looks like you care a lot about Dick, too. Every time his name comes up, you get this pained look… no, not pained. I don’t know how to describe it. This forlorn look in your eyes.”
Yuto had no words as he gazed at Rob’s serious face. He wondered how much of his feelings had been written all over his face.
He felt a restlessness in his chest, and an anxious feeling like his feet were getting swept out from under him. His comfortable light-headedness suddenly turned unpleasant.
“You can be enemies and still be friends.”
“Were you really just friends?”
Rob’s accusatory tone got on his nerves. Yuto narrowed his eyes in discontent as he looked back at Rob. Rob didn’t seem to care.
“Are you sure you and Dick didn’t have a relationship beyond that?”
Yuto had been getting an idea of what Rob was trying to say, so he wasn’t surprised. He even felt a sense of defiance bubbling up. So what if I did? He thought.
“What do you mean, ‘relationship beyond that’? Can you stop beating around the bush and spit it out?”
Yuto even surprised himself at the cold voice that escaped his lips.
“Fine, let me start over. In prison, I’ve heard that men sometimes have sexual relationships with other men as a method of compensation, or are forced into have sex, even if they’re not gay. I’m asking if you and Dick were in that kind of―”
“That’s a real roundabout way of asking if I slept with Dick. That’s what you want to know, right?”
Rob gulped as he stared back at Yuto, who had a defiant glint in his eyes.
“I just… I just wanted to know how you feel about Dick…”
“Your curiosity knows no bounds, does it?”
Yuto’s rising irritation and anger showed in his increasingly aggressive tone. But it wasn’t anger at Rob, but at himself. He hated how just a light touch on a sensitive nerve could get him so emotional, but once he started, he couldn’t stop.
“Do you want to know how inmates satisfied themselves sexually within the walls? Or are you turning this into some research on homosexuality in prison, since you’ve got a nice sample specimen in front of you?”
“Yuto, I didn’t mean―”
“If you want to hear about it so much, I’ll tell you. Yes, I did have sex with men when I was in prison. My first time was with a guy named BB, from the Black gang. He picked me out and was bragging to everyone that he’d make me his bitch.”
His drunken state further accelerated his impulse to harm himself. Yuto felt as if he were stabbing himself with a knife as he continued to speak.
“I was pinned down by a group of men in the showers and fucked from behind by BB. Afterwards, I fainted like a sissy and had to be taken to the infirmary. While I was unconscious, I had my rectum probed by Spencer to see if the rapist had left any semen behind. Even… even after that humiliating ordeal, I still chose to sleep with Dick.”
Yuto’s masochistic impulse did not stop. He even felt a twisted satisfaction at tearing his own heart into shreds.
“Yuto, that’s enough, please―”
“But that time, I was the one that came onto him. I asked him to fuck me like a girl. I straddled him and begged for it. I wanted him so badly. Even after being raped by a man, I still wanted to sleep with him. That’s ― that’s the kind of guy I am…!”
Yuto clamped his right hand over his mouth as if to rein himself in, but his hand shook violently.
Rob was gazing at him sympathetically, as if pained by what he was seeing. Yuto was overcome with regret. He had lost his temper, not because he was angry at Rob but because he still hadn’t come to terms with what happened in prison. It was only now that he realized how raw it still was.
He did not regret having sex with Dick at all. He believed it was something they needed at the time. But every time he remembered the act of having sex with Dick, he was always forced to remember that he had been raped as well. Although the two occasions were separate and nothing like each other, in Yuto’s heart they were tangled together like two sides of the same coin.
“I’m sorry, Rob…”
“Don’t be. It was insensitive of me. You had every right to get angry.”
Rob’s kindness made his heart ache. It would have been easier if the man had looked upon him with scorn.
“―I wasn’t angry at you. I just can’t forgive myself, and it makes me hate myself so much.”
As Yuto hung his head, Rob stood up and came beside him. He laid a gentle hand across his shoulders and rubbed his back as if to console him. Yuto could feel his tension ebbing away at Rob’s soft touch.
“It was a painful experience for you. If you like, I’ll hear you out. You’ll feel better if you vent.”
Yuto pressed his forehead against Rob’s shoulder, almost clinging to him.
“Yuto, you’re the type to try to solve everything by yourself when you’re in pain, aren’t you? You don’t rely on anyone else. People like you tend to bottle everything up inside, and that’s why they can never digest and get past whatever’s happened to them in the past.”
“―But everyone has things they don’t want to talk about.”
“Then you need to talk to yourself about it. Tell yourself, ‘you’ve been through so much pain, you’ve suffered so much.’ You’re allowed to feel sorry for yourself. There’s no shame in that. The only person who can comfort past you is present you.”
“You think so?” Yuto murmured.
“Yeah,” Rob said as he drew Yuto close by his shoulders.
“Rob…”
“Hmm?”
“What should I do when I experience something good and bad at the same time? I can’t seem to separate the two. I only want to leave memories of the good experience, but I always end up remembering the bad one with it. And it makes the good experience painful to remember.”
“Let’s see… in that case, I think you should go through that same good experience over and over again. As you repeat it, you’ll eventually stop remembering the bad experience.”
Yuto smiled as he were about to cry and shook his head.
“But I can’t.”
“―You don’t have to answer me, but I’m guessing that the bad experience was getting raped, and the good experience was sleeping with Dick?”
Yuto nodded slightly. He had already brought everything out in the open with Rob. There was no use hiding things now.
“So what you were saying about the guy who slept with another guy even though he wasn’t gay was about you, huh. Did you love Dick that much?”
“Yeah. Or else I wouldn’t have slept with another man. Until I met Dick, I’d lived all my life thinking I was heterosexual.”
“Did you join the FBI because you want to look for him?”
“―I just hope I can see him again. I don’t want Dick to become a part of the past. Of course, that’s not the only reason why I’m doing this investigation, but going after Corvus and searching for Dick are one and the same for me. They’re like two sides of the same coin.”
“Why did you feel that way toward Dick when you aren’t gay?”
Rob’s calm tone and warmth was comforting. He felt like he could confide anything in the man.
Yuto answered each question that Rob asked, slowly unravelling his story of how he met Dick, how at first he found the man a jerk, and how he gradually became interested in him despite that.
He talked about how he felt sympathy for Dick’s lonely upbringing; how happy he felt at the unexpected gestures of kindness; and how he felt deeply fulfilled by the warmth that the man gave him.
Once he finished listening to Yuto’s story, Rob spoke.
“I’m sorry if this offends you,” he said first before giving his honest opinion. “I think there’s no arguing that you have strong feelings for Dick. But do you think they’re really romantic feelings? You suffered great emotional pain from being imprisoned on false charges, and not only that, you were under immense pressure regarding Corvus’ case. And in that state, you were thrown into a world where violence and rape were everyday occurrences. You may not have realized it, but your mental state was probably stretched close to breaking.”
“…What does that have to do with my feelings?”
“Have you ever heard of ‘misattribution of arousal’? In laymen’s terms, it’s sometimes called the suspension bridge effect. It’s an academic theory that says a man and a woman who meet on a wavering suspension bridge are more likely to fall in love than those who meet on a regular bridge. Basically, it’s when someone is agitated due to their situation or environment, but the brain misinterprets that as being caused by the person in front of them. In the movie Speed, the heroine is told that couples who get together under abnormal circumstances don’t last. It’s the same theory.”
Yuto felt confused as he looked up at Rob.
“Are you saying that I’m misinterpreting my feelings?”
“When someone is kind to you when you’re emotionally unstable, you’re susceptible to becoming dependent on them. In a place with no members of the opposite sex, you’re also more susceptible to having pseudo-romantic feelings toward the same sex. I don’t think you can rule out the possibility that your feelings toward Dick are temporary. Maybe your environment and situation goaded you into having sex with him, and your feelings are actually just friendship. I wouldn’t say something like this if you were gay, but if it’s a misunderstanding, I thought it would be best for you to wake up sooner than later. The longer you fool yourself, the more painful it’ll be.”
Listening to Rob was making Yuto feel more and more uncertain about his feelings.
Was it an illusion of love that arose from special circumstances? If no incidents had happened and they had lived together simply as friends who got along, would he not have been so swept away by Dick?
Yuto shook his head and stopped trying to think. He could question himself all he liked, but he wasn’t going to get an answer. Nothing was more inscrutable than one’s own heart.
“You’re confusing me, Rob. At the club, you said love is simple. Now you’re saying it might be an illusion. It doesn’t make any sense.”
Rob smiled playfully. “You’re damn right,” he said as he clapped Yuto’s knee. “I know I’m contradicting myself. Maybe I gave a bullshit answer at the club because it had nothing to do with me. Now, maybe I’m saying these things to get you to give up on Dick. When a guy who’s trying to make moves on you gives you advice, you should take it with a grain of salt.”
Yuto found himself chuckling.
“You’re all over the place. And I thought you said you were going to set aside your ulterior motives?”
“It’s hard for me to keep my resolve.”
“Stop making excuses,” Yuto smiled wryly. Rob rested one arm on the backrest of the sofa as his face suddenly took on a serious expression.
“I feel like I know how Dick feels. Even though he knew you were an enemy, he probably couldn’t help but lend you a hand.”
“Are you saying that I seem unreliable and in need of help?”
“No, I’m not saying that. But there’s something about you that makes a man want to protect you.”
A slight smile played on Rob’s lips as he stared at Yuto in a strangely seductive manner. Normally, Rob smiled in an open and unassuming way. Yuto wondered why the man had to choose this moment to turn on his manly charm.
“So, picking up where we left off. There’s one quick way you can check if you’re gay or not.”
“…Which is?” Yuto turned to Rob apprehensively.
“Try sleeping with someone other than Dick. If you can enjoy sex with another man, you’re more likely to be gay.”
Yuto wasn’t sure if the man was joking or serious.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not easygoing enough to have sex with a guy just to test something out.”
“Then, how about a kiss? If you can have a deep kiss with a guy without feeling disgust or unpleasantness, I think you’d get a great hint about your sexuality.”
“And who am I supposed to test this out with?”
“Me.”
Yuto wasn’t surprised; he had expected this answer.
“Rob, I thought I told you not to make moves on me.”
“It’s nothing serious like that. It’s just a kiss. …Or are you afraid? Afraid that you’ll lose yourself in my kiss?”
Rob had an answer for everything. Yuto didn’t have the energy to get angry at him, and he couldn’t even bother to be exasperated.
“Yuto, you should definitely try kissing me. If you don’t like it, just push me away. But if it’s enough to make you swoon, you’re very likely to be gay.”
“Sounds like a bit of a stretch. Do you want to kiss me that badly?” Yuto laughed as he leaned back and rested his head on the sofa.
“Yeah, I do,” Rob nodded as he smiled. “Something might change if you kiss me. Maybe you’ll start to think of me more and more, and you’ll be more occupied about me than Dick.”
“Not only are you an optimist, you have a huge ego. I’m sorry, but I won’t fall for you over a kiss.”
“You don’t know until you try. It’s your chance to forget about Dick.”
“I wish it was that easy to forget about him.”
Rob reached out and stroked his cheek.
“That’s why we have to try. Come on, kiss me and see,” Rob whispered as he drew closer. Strangely enough, Yuto didn’t feel repulsed. Was it because he was gay, or because he had feelings for Rob?
He wasn’t sure, but he was beginning to feel a budding curiosity toward how he would feel kissing another man who wasn’t Dick. Apparently he had fallen under the influence of Rob’s nonsense.
“Do you always smooth talk people into getting your way like that?”
“No way. You’re the first person I’ve gone through such pains to get a kiss from.”
Their faces were so close as they murmured that they could feel each other’s breaths. Admittedly, the mood wasn’t all that bad.
If he kissed Rob, would he learn something new?
“You might as well enjoy it, too. You don’t dislike kissing, do you?”
Something in Yuto’s heart fluttered at Rob’s low voice. He felt strange sensing the man’s gentle gaze fixed on him.
Rob didn’t jump right into a full-blown kiss, but instead gently pressed his lips against Yuto’s cheek and chin. He felt ticklish at the sensation and Rob’s breath on his skin.
Yuto closed his eyes as he endured Rob’s touch, and eventually the man’s lips overlapped his. Rob gave him several light pecks, softly biting on his lip. Yuto didn’t feel any pronounced disgust.
Rob then inserted his tongue through his slightly-parted lips. Yuto felt an impulse to clamp his mouth shut, but he desperately told himself it didn’t count as a kiss if he pushed the man away. Yuto managed to tolerate Rob’s intrusion.
Rob’s tongue searched out Yuto’s and entwined itself with it. Yuto could feel his body getting hot at the unique sensation of their wet tongues rubbing against each other.
Yuto impulsively pushed back against Rob’s chest, but Rob didn’t budge. He tried to turn his face away, but Rob had one hand on his forehead and the other on his cheek so that he couldn’t move.
“…Hnh… mm…”
A muffled moan escaped his lips. Yuto felt his body tense up in embarrassment as he realized that he was feeling aroused by Rob’s kiss.
Rob broke away for a moment and brought his lips to Yuto’s earlobe.
“Yuto, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying a short escape. Relax…”
Yuto shook his head, out of breath.
“I want you to stop.”
“No. Just a bit more. I’m not satisfied yet.”
Rob kissed him again, more deeply and sensually than the last. Rob’s tongue made a wet sound as he licked Yuto’s lips, and he sucked on Yuto’s tongue until it hurt. He felt like Rob had taken over his entire mouth. He felt an arousal that was almost like having sex. No matter how much he tried to restrain himself, his lips moved against his will and invited Rob in.
A little voice in his mind warned him not to get carried away, but his body surrendered to Rob’s skilful kiss and was pleading for more of the sweet pleasure.
So it doesn’t have to be Dick? You can enjoy other men, too?
Yuto felt somewhat disappointed in himself, but quickly reprimanded himself. That wasn’t it.
The body could feel pleasure with anyone as long as it was in the mood. If it was only about satisfying his sexual desires, anyone would do.
But Dick was the only one who would make his heart feel fulfilled. Dick was the only man his heart desired.
“Rob, that’s enough. I―”
“Do you want to go further?” Rob suggested as he kissed Yuto’s neck. “You should try having sex with me. I’m pretty confident about my size.”
Yuto felt his desire diminish instantly at Rob’s vulgar remark. It was hard to believe he was hearing this from a university professor. He pushed Rob aside and stood up.
“…Yuto?”
“Thanks, Rob. Now I’ve got a clear idea of how I feel.”
