Chapter 119
Translation: yun
He grabbed me slowly with his bony hands and in return, I pulled them gently.
“Why?”
“That’s…”
I pressed my lips. His gaze seemed to be fixated on our hands so I stared at his light blue hair swaying naturally in the breeze. The way he held my hand loosely did not hurt me but I still could not manage to escape his grip.
“You don’t call me by my name either, brother.”
“If that’s what’s bothering you.”
Amor quickly tilted his head. We were so close to each other. If we inched any closer, I might be able to feel his breath and his eyes, that were as beautiful as a forest, were right in front of me.
“If I call you by your name first, can I hear you call mine? Ashley.”
My line of sight was filled by Amor. As if he was pressing a key on a keyboard, he pressed on my wrist firmly. The eyes I was looking into at such close proximity were a pretty green colour but they felt cold.
“Look at me.”
With his pale expression, he whispered sharply.
“Why are you so stubborn about your name now?”
“Why are you changing the subject?”
After agonising over it for a moment, I stared at him.
Of course, I knew what calling his name meant to him. I knew what he was getting at because I read the . But I had to give him an answer.
“Brother is my brother.”
After raising my head, I lowered my gaze.
“So? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Amor held all of me in his gaze before slowly frowning. His voice which had always sounded dry was now backed up with some heat.
“It’s not like I’m asking for anything big. It‘s just a name.”
No, that was not my role. In the novel, Amor’s salvation was Rusbella. I was not one of those usual old-fashioned main characters who thought ‘the main plot should be preserved as it is’.
I did not have much lingering feelings of attachment to the original novel. When I was already so busy trying to survive? Other than Amor’s mother who passed away, the Emperor and Castor, the only person to call Amor by his name should be Rusbella.
I knew Rusbella.
She was all the characters’ light and salt. (1) She was their sun. Everywhere she went, she would sow the seeds of love which would ultimately grow to fruition. That did not mean Rusbella was meaningful to just any man. To Amor, she was special. I was sure of it. To the ‘sick and weak boy’, I was sure she was all the more special.
To the boy who had been caged up his whole life, she was a breath of fresh air. When Rusbella called him ‘Amor’, the boy was written to have smiled as if he had won the entire world.
That girl.
She was Amor’s salvation.
If the person standing before me had been Castor, I would have changed it without hesitation. What if I were to change the original story and in turn, affect Amor negatively? I was not sure what would happen but I could not do something so casually when it was for Amor.
Could I deprive him of the salvation he was fated to be given?
Did I deserve to do that? No. I did not.
I understood his situation and I was willing to be his comrade but I could not be his light. How could someone, who could not even live on her own, think of saving someone else? The broken me could never be his light.
“Hold on. B-b-brother, you need to hear me out.”
I was desperate to change the subject. I hurriedly picked up the diary I had placed on the floor.
“Well, uh. I had told the future before. I’ve told you before right? This is the medium I use to see the future.”
Amor shifted his gaze before returning it to me.
He stared at me closely. I continued to explain without averting my gaze.
“When I was 13, I found this in my mother’s chambers.”
Then, I got to know the future. And the future I got to know for myself was the worst. And I had to go through things I no longer want to even think about.
I had no choice but to talk about those times because I did not want Amor to be thinking about something else. It was hard to breath with the wave of nightmares hitting me. I was only touching on them when I told him but the moments of my death were striking me sharply.
I was not deciding to do this on a whim.
Just like what I had talked about with Lord Ray just a few nights ago, I could not handle large numbers of assassins by myself. Neither could I fend off the hordes of soldiers Castor enlisted.
It was hard being alone. I needed someone with me.
Thinking about what I wanted to do in the future, I could no longer hide from my brothers and Lord Ray. And before I talk to Lord Ray and my brothers, I needed to tell Amor.
‘I’ve died 40 times before.’
See, I was surviving on my 43rd life.
‘How many more times will I die in the future?’
Awkwardness was growing in the air. The nightmares that were haunting me were piling up.
Could I let this out? What if he were to turn a blind eye to me? Would I regret this? This was scary. I was afraid I would soon die and this day would fade away.
But I made up my mind. If I just stay curled up like this, I would only be eaten alive. I needed the powerful templar who was the only one of his kind in the world, on my side.
“… Actually, brother, I don’t want you to listen to what I’m about to say.”
“… Why?”
Now, it did not matter if he would have sympathy for me or pity me.
“Because I’m sure you’ll pity me and help me after hearing it.”
Was I human? Could you consider someone who had died and come back to life countless times a human?
In all of history, no tyrant would call themselves a tyrant. A madman could never recognise their own madness.
“But if, in any case, brother helps me and is inconvenienced in turn,”
“…..”
“I feel like… I’ll be tormented for the rest of my life.”
The words could not leave me and I wanted to cover my face but there was a hand that was holding onto me firmly.
“Ashley.”
When I lowered my hands, there Amor was with his smile wiped from his face.
“Stop.”
As if he was being considerate of me, his grip on me did not hurt.
“You. You’re in a situation you never intended to put yourself in, aren’t you? If you don’t want to talk about it, then, don’t. There’s no need to.”
“… But… brother, you wanted me to be honest.”
“On what basis?”
He lifted his eyebrows.
“… No. My conscience will only be pricked. You wouldn’t want to be comrades who’ve been hiding this and that from you, brother.”
“Stop it. That word comrade is going to make me puke. Leave it for now. Don’t do it.”
“But I might not be able to say it if it’s not now!”
Staring at me, Amor frowned deeply.
I watched his shoulders move a few times before saying.
“What happens if today’s the last time I can?”
Though I might have said that out of impulse, if I did not say it now, I might never have another chance.
HIs harsh gaze, his bitter expression and his chapped lips. I stared at him before speaking with some ill intentions behind my words.
“Listen.”
But before I could say anything, the vines covered my mouth.
“No.”
His gaze shifted as he lowered it to face me.
“I won’t.”
The corners of his lips rolled up as if he was smiling. His eyes lowered like falling snow.
“You’re not doing this in the right, rational state of mind. Don’t push yourself just to escape. I’d hate that.”
I could feel a slight prick in my chest.
“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Not once have I forced you to do such a thing.”
However, Amor did not look too displeased. It was not that bright around here but I had seen him get angry and irritated before.
“I’m… sorry.”
He bent his upper body over.
“Enough.”
HIs cold hand clutched my upper arm. His hair that seemed to have embraced a light cloudy sky flowed down over me.
“I’ll do it one day. I mean, pitying you.”
“… Yeah.”
“… Just as you’ve said, I have been deceived and betrayed my whole life. And I’m a cripple trapped in this palace. I don’t know what you think of me but you’re right to suspect me. I don’t have faith in anything. I don’t even have faith in myself. It’s meaningless to have faith.”
He smiled.
“People will eventually betray you, chase after their interests and draw their sword at you without hesitation. And in that process, family or blood does not exist. Everything is meaningless in the face of desires.”
“That’s why…”
“Keep listening. But still, I never gave up being human. Do remember the times when you would constantly visit me and bother me so much? But I wouldn’t say that that was a waste of time. Be it out of necessity, compassion or your own desires you were using me for!”
He spoke as he exhaled.
“Because you need me.”
I had no idea why he looked like a sulky child throwing a tantrum.
Amor wobbled before quickly narrowing our distance. He was pulling me along. In this dizzying moment, I knew that I made a mistake. He had been hurt by my impulsive remarks.
“I’ll take advantage of your need.”
“…..”
“Instead… never force yourself to do anything in front of me again. Please.”
He leaned on my shoulder before saying.
“I really hate it.”
I parted my lips to say something before closing them again. I raised my hand to pat his head.
“… Don’t apologise.”
He said as he leaned on me before slowly raising his head. Then, he stared at me as if he had determined something before covering my eyes.
At that moment, I was reminded of Lord Ray. However, the light touch that settled on my lips disappeared as soon as it came.
‘My lips?’
I blinked slowly in the dark. It was as light as a baby chick pecking with its beak and it passed by as quickly.
“… You should only confess at your convenience.”
Just then, what I heard from Amor sounded gentle and friendly.
‘What was it?’
For a moment, I could do nothing but blink my eyes several times.
When his hands removed themselves, I was left meaninglessly staring at the floor for a moment as I pondered. Our lips touched. Even though we only have half our blood in common, we were still siblings. Well, that would be the case unless there was some secret behind our births. So, this should not be right.
Confused, I raised my head.
T/N:
weehuuu sorry this was late. there was something i needed to check for the upcoming few chapters so i was a little late because i had to do some additional proofreading. To make up for missing monday’s update, friday will be a double update so you can look forward to that!
also, for slightly more irrelevant news, i shall officially be known as yun now (as seen in the change in the translator name xD). yall can still address me whatever you like.
(1): Basically she was everything they needed.
Chapter 119
Translation: yun
He grabbed me slowly with his bony hands and in return, I pulled them gently.
“Why?”
“That’s…”
I pressed my lips. His gaze seemed to be fixated on our hands so I stared at his light blue hair swaying naturally in the breeze. The way he held my hand loosely did not hurt me but I still could not manage to escape his grip.
“You don’t call me by my name either, brother.”
“If that’s what’s bothering you.”
Amor quickly tilted his head. We were so close to each other. If we inched any closer, I might be able to feel his breath and his eyes, that were as beautiful as a forest, were right in front of me.
“If I call you by your name first, can I hear you call mine? Ashley.”
My line of sight was filled by Amor. As if he was pressing a key on a keyboard, he pressed on my wrist firmly. The eyes I was looking into at such close proximity were a pretty green colour but they felt cold.
“Look at me.”
With his pale expression, he whispered sharply.
“Why are you so stubborn about your name now?”
“Why are you changing the subject?”
After agonising over it for a moment, I stared at him.
Of course, I knew what calling his name meant to him. I knew what he was getting at because I read the . But I had to give him an answer.
“Brother is my brother.”
After raising my head, I lowered my gaze.
“So? What’s that supposed to mean?”
Amor held all of me in his gaze before slowly frowning. His voice which had always sounded dry was now backed up with some heat.
“It’s not like I’m asking for anything big. It‘s just a name.”
No, that was not my role. In the novel, Amor’s salvation was Rusbella. I was not one of those usual old-fashioned main characters who thought ‘the main plot should be preserved as it is’.
I did not have much lingering feelings of attachment to the original novel. When I was already so busy trying to survive? Other than Amor’s mother who passed away, the Emperor and Castor, the only person to call Amor by his name should be Rusbella.
I knew Rusbella.
She was all the characters’ light and salt. (1) She was their sun. Everywhere she went, she would sow the seeds of love which would ultimately grow to fruition. That did not mean Rusbella was meaningful to just any man. To Amor, she was special. I was sure of it. To the ‘sick and weak boy’, I was sure she was all the more special.
To the boy who had been caged up his whole life, she was a breath of fresh air. When Rusbella called him ‘Amor’, the boy was written to have smiled as if he had won the entire world.
That girl.
She was Amor’s salvation.
If the person standing before me had been Castor, I would have changed it without hesitation. What if I were to change the original story and in turn, affect Amor negatively? I was not sure what would happen but I could not do something so casually when it was for Amor.
Could I deprive him of the salvation he was fated to be given?
Did I deserve to do that? No. I did not.
I understood his situation and I was willing to be his comrade but I could not be his light. How could someone, who could not even live on her own, think of saving someone else? The broken me could never be his light.
“Hold on. B-b-brother, you need to hear me out.”
I was desperate to change the subject. I hurriedly picked up the diary I had placed on the floor.
“Well, uh. I had told the future before. I’ve told you before right? This is the medium I use to see the future.”
Amor shifted his gaze before returning it to me.
He stared at me closely. I continued to explain without averting my gaze.
“When I was 13, I found this in my mother’s chambers.”
Then, I got to know the future. And the future I got to know for myself was the worst. And I had to go through things I no longer want to even think about.
I had no choice but to talk about those times because I did not want Amor to be thinking about something else. It was hard to breath with the wave of nightmares hitting me. I was only touching on them when I told him but the moments of my death were striking me sharply.
I was not deciding to do this on a whim.
Just like what I had talked about with Lord Ray just a few nights ago, I could not handle large numbers of assassins by myself. Neither could I fend off the hordes of soldiers Castor enlisted.
It was hard being alone. I needed someone with me.
Thinking about what I wanted to do in the future, I could no longer hide from my brothers and Lord Ray. And before I talk to Lord Ray and my brothers, I needed to tell Amor.
‘I’ve died 40 times before.’
See, I was surviving on my 43rd life.
‘How many more times will I die in the future?’
Awkwardness was growing in the air. The nightmares that were haunting me were piling up.
Could I let this out? What if he were to turn a blind eye to me? Would I regret this? This was scary. I was afraid I would soon die and this day would fade away.
But I made up my mind. If I just stay curled up like this, I would only be eaten alive. I needed the powerful templar who was the only one of his kind in the world, on my side.
“… Actually, brother, I don’t want you to listen to what I’m about to say.”
“… Why?”
Now, it did not matter if he would have sympathy for me or pity me.
“Because I’m sure you’ll pity me and help me after hearing it.”
Was I human? Could you consider someone who had died and come back to life countless times a human?
In all of history, no tyrant would call themselves a tyrant. A madman could never recognise their own madness.
“But if, in any case, brother helps me and is inconvenienced in turn,”
“…..”
“I feel like… I’ll be tormented for the rest of my life.”
The words could not leave me and I wanted to cover my face but there was a hand that was holding onto me firmly.
“Ashley.”
When I lowered my hands, there Amor was with his smile wiped from his face.
“Stop.”
As if he was being considerate of me, his grip on me did not hurt.
“You. You’re in a situation you never intended to put yourself in, aren’t you? If you don’t want to talk about it, then, don’t. There’s no need to.”
“… But… brother, you wanted me to be honest.”
“On what basis?”
He lifted his eyebrows.
“… No. My conscience will only be pricked. You wouldn’t want to be comrades who’ve been hiding this and that from you, brother.”
“Stop it. That word comrade is going to make me puke. Leave it for now. Don’t do it.”
“But I might not be able to say it if it’s not now!”
Staring at me, Amor frowned deeply.
I watched his shoulders move a few times before saying.
“What happens if today’s the last time I can?”
Though I might have said that out of impulse, if I did not say it now, I might never have another chance.
HIs harsh gaze, his bitter expression and his chapped lips. I stared at him before speaking with some ill intentions behind my words.
“Listen.”
But before I could say anything, the vines covered my mouth.
“No.”
His gaze shifted as he lowered it to face me.
“I won’t.”
The corners of his lips rolled up as if he was smiling. His eyes lowered like falling snow.
“You’re not doing this in the right, rational state of mind. Don’t push yourself just to escape. I’d hate that.”
I could feel a slight prick in my chest.
“You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. Not once have I forced you to do such a thing.”
However, Amor did not look too displeased. It was not that bright around here but I had seen him get angry and irritated before.
“I’m… sorry.”
He bent his upper body over.
“Enough.”
HIs cold hand clutched my upper arm. His hair that seemed to have embraced a light cloudy sky flowed down over me.
“I’ll do it one day. I mean, pitying you.”
“… Yeah.”
“… Just as you’ve said, I have been deceived and betrayed my whole life. And I’m a cripple trapped in this palace. I don’t know what you think of me but you’re right to suspect me. I don’t have faith in anything. I don’t even have faith in myself. It’s meaningless to have faith.”
He smiled.
“People will eventually betray you, chase after their interests and draw their sword at you without hesitation. And in that process, family or blood does not exist. Everything is meaningless in the face of desires.”
“That’s why…”
“Keep listening. But still, I never gave up being human. Do remember the times when you would constantly visit me and bother me so much? But I wouldn’t say that that was a waste of time. Be it out of necessity, compassion or your own desires you were using me for!”
He spoke as he exhaled.
“Because you need me.”
I had no idea why he looked like a sulky child throwing a tantrum.
Amor wobbled before quickly narrowing our distance. He was pulling me along. In this dizzying moment, I knew that I made a mistake. He had been hurt by my impulsive remarks.
“I’ll take advantage of your need.”
“…..”
“Instead… never force yourself to do anything in front of me again. Please.”
He leaned on my shoulder before saying.
“I really hate it.”
I parted my lips to say something before closing them again. I raised my hand to pat his head.
“… Don’t apologise.”
He said as he leaned on me before slowly raising his head. Then, he stared at me as if he had determined something before covering my eyes.
At that moment, I was reminded of Lord Ray. However, the light touch that settled on my lips disappeared as soon as it came.
‘My lips?’
I blinked slowly in the dark. It was as light as a baby chick pecking with its beak and it passed by as quickly.
“… You should only confess at your convenience.”
Just then, what I heard from Amor sounded gentle and friendly.
‘What was it?’
For a moment, I could do nothing but blink my eyes several times.
When his hands removed themselves, I was left meaninglessly staring at the floor for a moment as I pondered. Our lips touched. Even though we only have half our blood in common, we were still siblings. Well, that would be the case unless there was some secret behind our births. So, this should not be right.
Confused, I raised my head.
T/N:
weehuuu sorry this was late. there was something i needed to check for the upcoming few chapters so i was a little late because i had to do some additional proofreading. To make up for missing monday’s update, friday will be a double update so you can look forward to that!
also, for slightly more irrelevant news, i shall officially be known as yun now (as seen in the change in the translator name xD). yall can still address me whatever you like.
(1): Basically she was everything they needed.
