Translated by juurensha
Edited by Noks
Do you like me or do you not like me?
At the end of the whole song, Fang Juexia let out a breath.
In his thought process, when someone expressed love for him, he had to repay it by expressing gratitude, and giving a response. Pei Tingsong was the only exception. Fang Juexia knew that he should respond, but he was also afraid of responding. At least by singing this song out loud, it could count as being a kind of answer.
He was just like a bee that had fallen into a honeypot and was now completely wrapped up in sweet honey, and was now both happy and frightened. Emotionally, he had sampled and tasted an unprecedented delicacy, but his intellect warned him about the possibility of drowning.
Pei Tingsong and He Ziyan’s performance followed his, so after he finished singing his song, they didn’t even have time for a hug. This was just their job. Fang Juexia even felt guilty; this was the first time that he had indulged in his own selfish motives while working and had expressed his private emotions in front of so many people. He shouldn’t have done it, but he had inevitably fallen into doing so.
He had fallen into a spring day, one that he had never seen before, and he tried to get it to keep him. But it seemed very likely that he wouldn’t even be able to keep his own pool of snow.
Ling Yi half lay on his shoulder. “I feel like Xiao Pei isn’t quite in the right state ah.”
Strictly speaking, this performance didn’t count as being a solo performance, but He Ziyan and Pei Tingsong had combined their acts, one acting as the DJ, and the other as the rapper.
Lu Yuan also chimed in, “I too think so, he’s usually more explosive. I can’t say what’s wrong today, but other people can’t tell, so it’s fine.”
Jiang Miao took a look at Fang Juexia, then at the people on the stage.
“Everyone has been tired recently, it’s impossible to be in a good state all the time.” Jiang Miao patted Fang Juexia on the shoulder. “After we get through the promotional performances, we’ll be good.”
Fang Juexia’s eyes drifted towards the people on stage just like that. He was a little confused, and kept wondering if Pei Tingsong had understood the meaning of his song, and if that was why he was feeling a bit frustrated on-stage right now. However, Fang Juexia didn’t want him to be like that. He liked Pei Tingsong’s confidence and magnanimity, and he wanted Pei Tingsong to be like that forever.
“Thank you, He Ziyan and Pei Tingsong. Everyone, please give them the warmest applause! Who’s next?”
Amidst the voice of the host, Pei Tingsong stepped down from the stage and approached Fang Juexia step by step. To be honest, Fang Juexia was very uneasy, and he had even imagined many embarrassing scenarios for this situation in his mind. However, Pei Tingsong just came to a stand beside him, standing with him side by side, maintaining only a distance of about 15 cm between them. Only after Ling Yi went on-stage did he speak in a low voice.
“I’m a little tired, and I don’t even have anything to lean on here.”
Fang Juexia was puzzled by his sudden statement and turned his face to look at him. Pei Tingsong also turned his head. “Can I hold you for a bit?”
It was like this every time; clearly, the person who needed to be held was himself, but Pei Tingsong would come up with a good excuse and regain the initiative, efficiently taking charge. He looked fiercely aggressive, but after his confession, even physical contact between them had been reduced as much as possible, unless Fang Juexia’s consent was sought beforehand. Pei Tingsong had expressed himself straight-forwardly and actively, but his actions gave Fang Juexia enough respect.
Only after realising that things were just like this did Fang Juexia understand that he had no way to hide.
The silence between them allowed time to stretch as if in slow-motion, prolonging everything, and making every minute miserable. From the first time that he had confirmed that he liked Fang Juexia, Pei Tingsong had already anticipated the difficulty of the pursuit. Wasn’t it just like his risky escapades in ‘Escape For Your Life,’ didn’t he already know that he would probably fail? Of course he knew that, but there was always a slight chance of success.
Without waiting for Fang Juexia’s answer, he wanted to go ahead and say ‘forget it’. He hung his head down and prepared to give him some room while he went to find someone else to talk to, but at the next moment, Fang Juexia turned to face him.
“I…” Fang Juexia was a little embarrassed. “I’m too thin. It shouldn’t feel very comfortable holding me.”
Pei Tingsong suddenly came back to life. He saw the uneasy expression on Fang Juexia’s face and his arms that were stuck somewhere between stretching out and not stretching out, and he felt that he was the happiest person in the whole world at this moment.
Having gained Fang Juexia’s permission, he immediately hugged him and put his chin on his shoulder, acting completely like a satisfied large dog. Fang Juexia liked the feeling of Pei Tingsong pressing his weight onto himself; it sort of exuded the feeling of being depended on and trusted.
“Who says it’s uncomfortable? You were deceiving me.”
Pei Tingsong buried his head and tightened his arms. “Clearly, it’s very comfortable.”
Fang Juexia didn’t know what to say. He turned his head to see He Ziyan laughing at this.
“What’s the matter with Xiao Pei? He’s so weak after singing only one whole song ah,” He Ziyan continued joking, “20 years old, and he’s still a big spoiled child who wants a cuddle.”
Pei Tingsong didn’t look up, simply raising up a hand in He Ziyan’s direction and sticking out a middle finger.
Fang Juexia raised his hand and rubbed his back. They communicated with each other in silence and completed their conversation with a simple hug. It had taken him too much courage to sing that song, and it had made him directly face the uneasiness and disquiet that existed in his heart, but right now, his heart seemed to have calmed down and restored its equilibrium in Pei Tingsong’s arms.
As the ending of this meetup neared, the six members went on-stage together and sang a non-main song from their debut album, which was a very happy song. They were also forced to start providing cute fanservice. Each one of them was wearing a hairband with plush ears on top. Fang Juexia’s ears were rabbit ears while Pei Tingsong’s were gray wolf ears. They carried a small basket containing some small gifts in their hands. These were some little doll versions of the Kaleido members, some snacks, and official printed song lyrics cards.
While singing, everyone scattered the gifts in the small basket into the crowd. The scene suddenly became noisy, and all the fans in the front row grew very excited. Lu Yuan and Ling Yi, in particular, skipped around the whole place, shaking hands with the fans in the front row nearest to the stage.
After he finished singing his part, Fang Juexia adjusted his earpiece and looked at the fans in the back row. He then picked out the soft dolls from his small basket and went as far to the edge of the stage as possible, trying hard to throw the small dolls further away so that the fans in the back row could get them.
“Ahhhhhhhh! Juexia Gege!”
“Juexia Gege, look at me! Here!”
A lot of hands stretched out towards the edge of the stage, and Fang Juexia instinctually took a step back. After throwing all the dolls out, he crouched down and sprinkled the candy gently to the front rows.
“Juexia Gege!!”
“I also want some!”
Pei Tingsong’s eyes couldn’t leave Fang Juexia. While rapping out his part, he walked over to Fang Juexia. Coincidentally, with the end of this rap came the harmony part between them, with one high and one low. Fang Juexia’s basket had already been emptied out by this time, but the fans were like a flock of hungry little birds. Even if he turned the basket upside down, they still kept calling out his name. Fang Juexia looked back and saw Pei Tingsong behind him, so he wanted to take some things from his basket.
Looking at the way Fang Juexia was crouched near the edge and stretching out his hands, Pei Tingsong thought that he was so cute that he was about to die from it. However, just at this time, he saw a pair of hands grab Fang Juexia’s arm and violently drag him down, catching him completely off guard.
Those didn’t look like a girl’s hands.
Fang Juexia was shocked and started to fall back. Pei Tingsong hurried up and pulled Fang Juexia back towards the stage. However, at that same moment, those surprise-attacking hands released Fang Juexia to go and grasp at Pei Tingsong’s elbow. Pei Tingsong’s center of gravity was already tilting forward when he rushed over, and so, with this, he directly fell off the stage.
“Ah!”
“Pei Tingsong fell down!”
“My God!”
The scene below the stage burst into an uproar, and Fang Juexia, who had already been shocked, upon seeing Pei Tingsong fall down, felt as if his brain had exploded with a buzzing sound.
How could this happen…
Without thinking about it, Fang Juexia directly jumped off the stage. “You guys get out of the way a bit! Don’t step on him.” He used his own body to protect Pei Tingsong, and was pushed into half-kneeling on the ground. The backs of his hands, which were on the ground, were stepped on several times in the confusion, but he couldn’t feel it at all.
His mind was just full of Pei Tingsong.
The security guards came from both ends of the stage to separate the fans from them. Although the height of this stage wasn’t that high, Pei Tingsong had fallen down due to an external force and had landed pretty hard. The other members also immediately rushed over, but were stopped by the security and staff members. A big incident had already occured, and the other artists couldn’t encounter any more accidents.
The ringing in Fang Juexia’s ears continued; he couldn’t hear anything at all, as if he had fallen into the deep sea. He couldn’t control his eyes, and they burned and felt sore. He whispered Pei Tingsong’s name in the noisy stadium, over and over again.
The one who should have fallen was clearly himself, not Pei Tingsong.
Pei Tingsong hadn’t lost consciousness, and he also put his head on Fang Juexia’s leg, as if to stop him from worrying anymore. The event was suspended after this accident took place, and Pei Tingsong was rushed to the hospital, with all of the group members going with him.
Fang Juexia’s hands kept trembling the entire time he spent sitting in the car. He had seen that Pei Tingsong’s forehead and cheekbones were bruised from the fall, his wound had been bleeding, his eyebrows had been furrowed tight, and his forehead had been sweating. Just thinking about it made Fang Juexia feel pained, and his heart was currently hanging in midair, bumping and colliding against his chest back and forth.
If only he hadn’t gotten close to the edge of the stage, if only Pei Tingsong hadn’t reached out and pulled him back.
If he had been the one to fall, Fang Juexia actually wouldn’t be this upset.
As if seeing his worry, Pei Tingsong stretched out a hand, shook Fang Juexia’s hand, and put up a smiling face.
Seeing his weak smile made Fang Juexia feel even worse. His nose stung, and his eyes were sore.
His self-protection mechanisms had, early on, made him learn that he should not look at any external evaluations of him, nor take any of it to heart. But now, Fang Juexia actually thought back to those anonymous people cursing him out, commenting that he was a disaster magnet, and that anyone who came near him would become unlucky.
Logically thinking, these kinds of words, which were full of flaws and had no scientific basis, were worthless of being analyzed by him. However, after seeing Pei Tingsong get injured on his behalf, Fang Juexia, for the very first time, truly grew afraid that the other people’s cursing words had really come true.
When they got to the hospital, Cheng Qiang answered the phone, and his face grew grim. After hanging up, he told them, “This situation isn’t quite right. Originally, we thought it was a stage accident caused because of the fans’ excitement, but now it doesn’t look like that. The security guard who had been closest to the two of them reported to their venue director that he saw that the person who dragged Xiao Pei down wasn’t a fan.”
Fang Juexia immediately added, “It wasn’t a girl. They were very strong, and they were very violent when taking action; it should be a man.”
“They’re going to check the surveillance now, and with a little effort, they will definitely find them.” Cheng Qiang was very angry and cursed several times. “We must send this grandson to prison, he intended to harm him, I’m not even going to sue him!”
“Was it an anti-fan?” Ling Yi guessed.
He Ziyan had some doubts. “The tickets for the meetup weren’t given out casually; all the people there bought the album and then got the ticket through a lottery, so the chances of that happening aren’t high.”
Pei Tingsong was sent in to get examined, and they had to wait outside for the results.
Ling Yi was a little bit afraid. “I was also on the edge of the stage just now…”
Fang Juexia didn’t understand; there had been so many people and the other members had also been at the edge of the stage at the time, but only his hand was grabbed, and it seemed premeditated. If Pei Tingsong hadn’t appeared at that time, he would have been the one who had fallen down just now. If that person had taken any other further actions after that, he might have even gotten seriously injured.
It couldn’t still be Astar?
“I feel like they came for me.” Fang Juexia explained the situation to Cheng Qiang. After hearing this, Cheng Qiang pondered for a while. “It’s very possible it was vicious competition. The means within this circle are very dirty; a little actor I used to know had just gotten popular when, while filming a movie, someone did something and broke his leg and hand. The golden time for signing a contract on the film was gone just like that, and then he faded away quietly after that.”
Jiang Miao sighed. “I actually thought it was a stalker fan.”
“All of it will happen.” Cheng Qiang gave them a shot of reality. “Before, you weren’t popular enough, and many things were still very simple. Now that you are popular, the people and things you meet will all become more complicated. Stalker fans, antis, all kinds of slanders, traps, and even fanatical fans won’t be absent from your lives. The company will do its best to protect you guys, and you guys should also protect yourselves. Learn to keep your distance.”
Cheng Qiang kept getting calls one after another. Due to the livestream, the news about the stage accident quickly fermented online, and the entry titled ‘Pei Tingsong falls from the stage’ soon appeared on the Hot Search list. He had to immediately arrange for people to keep an eye on public opinion to avoid anyone from seizing a pretext to distort the situation. The Internet was so absurd; even if you were the victim, after going through the sewage online, you could end up becoming the target of public criticism, and there would be no way left to talk your way out of it at that point.
“The company has just already transferred some personnel over. Security isn’t a trivial matter, and we will arrange more than six bodyguards in the future, with each person having at least one security personnel to protect them.”
The doctor who did the examination opened the door and came out to communicate with Cheng Qiang. “The patient has contusions on his forehead, cheekbones, elbows, and knees. He has sustained a mild concussion from the impact and needs rest. More troublesome is the patient’s carpal bone fracture on his left wrist; it may have occurred when he was trying to support himself with his wrists when he fell, and it’s more serious, so we need to do a minor operation.”
An operation.
Fang Juexia was not as calm as usual after hearing this. “Then how long will it take to get better? Will it affect the use of his hands in the future?”
“No,” the doctor repeated, “It’s a minor operation. It will just take about three to four weeks to recover from it.”
After a quick explanation, the doctor began to prepare for the operation. There were very few people in the private hospital, and all of them waited in the waiting room. The accident had happened so suddenly, and Cheng Qiang’s workload had also increased suddenly. After repeatedly checking the official Weibo announcement, he arranged for someone to post it. After receiving a phone call, he stood up and said to the members, “Xiao Wen has come with the newly arranged security personnel, and they’re just downstairs. For today, let’s all go back and have a good rest. I’ll coordinate with CloudTV about tomorrow morning’s performance, and we’ll push it back by a day.”
Everyone stood up, but Fang Juexia didn’t move. He raised his head. “Qiang Ge, I’ll stay ba. You have so many things to deal with, you go back to the company first.”
Cheng Qiang was not at ease. “That won’t work, you have to go back to rest now.”
“I can’t rest well now.” Fang Juexia looked at him and said, “Xiao Pei was dragged down because he came to save me.”
Cheng Qiang knew Fang Juexia’s character very well, and was clearly aware that he was a child who liked to take all responsibilities onto his shoulders. “I can let you stay, but I will arrange for several staff members to wait for you guys outside. Let them know if you need help, but don’t blame yourself.”
Ling Yi also couldn’t help but say, “Yes ah, Juexia, it’s not like this is something you did.”
The other members came to comfort him, and Fang Juexia smiled. “I know. You guys go back quickly ba, and rest early. If anything happens, I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
No one could out-stubborn him, so Cheng Qiang had to arrange for a few people to come over and stand guard outside the waiting room. After they all left, the room was quiet.
Fang Juexia sat on the sofa in silence, waiting for the operation to end. The hands of the clock in his heart turned around and around, ticking away, allowing him to gradually recover his calm. But no matter how calm he got, as long as he closed his eyes, that moment of Pei Tingsong falling off the stage, with the bustling crowd and the scattered candy all over the ground, would always appear.
Objectively the operation didn’t take a very long time, but in Fang Juexia’s mind, it seemed that a long, long time had passed by before the door of the waiting room was finally opened and a nurse came to inform him, “The patient’s operation has been completed, and he has now been transferred to a single ward.”
“Is he all right?” Fang Juexia stood up.
“He’s fine, but he has a cast on his hand, so it may not be very easy to move around.”
Fang Juexia let out a breath and followed the nurse to the single room located in the VIP suite. Pei Tingsong lay quietly in a bed with his eyes closed.
“Is he in a stupor?”
“No,” The nurse replied, “The operation was performed under only local anesthesia, but he seemed very tired and fell asleep.”
Fang Juexia nodded and sat beside the bed.
“The patient may have a headache and tinnitus after waking up, and these are all after-effects of a minor concussion. If there are any other symptoms, please call us.”
“Yes, thank you.”
The nurse closed the door, and the room immediately grew quiet. Fang Juexia looked at Pei Tingsong, who was asleep. The wound on his face was wrapped in gauze and his left wrist was in a cast.
He was already this old, but this was the first time his heart had ached for someone like this. Fang Juexia even started to suspect whether he and Pei Tingsong were fated to always live in conflict; almost all injuries that Pei Tingsong had suffered, be it big and small, were caused by him. He thought of how after his solo performance, Pei Tingsong had even acted coquettish and he had let him hold him, and now Pei Tingsong was suddenly injured and lying in bed.
How painful a fracture must be ah.
Contemplating all this made Fang Juexia’s nose sting. He stretched out his hand and rubbed the plaster on Pei Tingsong’s wrist. His fingertips slowly moved forward along the plaster and touched the back half of his hand that was exposed under the plaster. The raised joints of his fingers gently covered Pei Tingsong’s hand.
His fingertips rubbed against the warm skin, and unconsciously, their fingers intertwined together.
His heart was aching and tightening all over.
It turned out that he likes this person so much.
His intertwined fingers started to retract from the grasp, but before they could, they were caught by the clenched hand, retaining and buckling down on the ten fingers that had almost escaped.
He was awake?
Fang Juexia got up and looked at Pei Tingsong. He saw that Pei Tingsong’s eyes were still closed, but the corners of his mouth had quirked up. He was pretending to be asleep, but he wasn’t succeeding at it at all.
“You’re awake.”
“No.”
Fang Juexia was not in the mood to joke with him. “Are you okay? Do you feel uncomfortable anywhere? Does your head really hurt? Do you want me to call the doctor?”
“You are being so frantic that people who didn’t know what was going on would think that I’ve been seriously injured.” Pei Tingsong opened his eyes and laughed at him. “I’m okay, just a little dizzy. I want to sit up.”
Fang Juexia hurried to help him adjust the bed so that he could lean against the pillows. He clearly had a lot to say, but when he saw Pei Tingsong really awake, he couldn’t utter a word. Pei Tingsong just looked at him being like this, and being watched by him like this made Fang Juexia lower his eyes. His throat was blocked for a long time before he said with difficulty, “Tomorrow…. we don’t have to go singing tomorrow morning. It’s been delayed by a day.”
As soon as he said that, he regretted it. There were clearly so many other things he could have said, why did he have to just choose this particular sentence? Even at this time, he was actually still talking about work, just like a fool.
Suddenly he heard a soft laugh. Pei Tingsong’s voice was very gentle when he asked, “Did this really scare you?”
Fang Juexia raised his eyes. As soon as he met his gaze, he looked away again, curled his lips, and didn’t say anything again.
Pei Tingsong spoke up, looking out for himself, “Guess what? When I had just fallen asleep now, I dreamt that you sang for me again. It was that song you sang during the day. I heard it again, it’s really nice.”
Saying that, he then looked at Fang Juexia and asked, “You sang that song for me, right?”
Fang Juexia didn’t deny it, tacitly agreeing with him.
Maybe, he didn’t sing it just for Pei Tingsong, but also for himself.
“Did I scare you?” He asked the question again, but this time, he added himself as a subject to it.
Fang Juexia was not a person who was used to scrutinizing other people’s words, but with Pei Tingsong, he could quickly realize the emotions conveyed through subtle details.
“No.”
Pei Tingsong smiled. “At first, I thought that love was the same as many other things. As long as I want it, I would definitely be able to obtain it. To tell you the truth, I’m also afraid that my pursuit will cause trouble for you. Whenever I say a single word, I’ll also repeatedly struggle to control myself to stay within the bounds of propriety.”
He looked at Fang Juexia. “I can’t help it, this is also the first time I’ve ever liked someone.”
Fang Juexia suddenly felt uncomfortable. Sometimes, because of Pei Tingsong’s boldness and bravery, he would forget that this person was actually a boy younger than himself. This boy had carelessly dug his heart out and had shown it to him, but he didn’t even have the courage to look at it. He just hid inside his shell and calculated the probability of failure.
“I know,” Pei Tingsong continued, “I don’t seem to be a person who can give off a sense of safety. But I hope you understand that I am pursuing you this way because I am just such a person, not because it’s some frivolous quick decision on my part.”
“I have never questioned your sincerity.” Fang Juexia looked down. “Never.”
“Then raise your head and look at me.”
Fang Juexia raised his head and looked at him.
Pei Tingsong’s face was pale, but his pupils were very bright. “Fang Juexia, the world is really rotten. Disaster, war, disease, unrest, verbal violence, and endless harm and suffering keep plaguing people. Everything around us is absurd and fragile. I’m an out-and-out rebel against this philosophy, and I despise trying to integrate with this society. Yes, the rules of life in this society force us to converge, and only by keeping the same values and behavior as most people can we live a better life. But I hate this kind of life.
“I only believe in myself, and I want to break away from all the rules to find my ‘self’. So I’m arrogant, I’m overbearing, and I only have myself and the so-called freedom I want to pursue in my eyes.
“But now, I find that it turns out that I also have something that I want to draw close to and converge with.” He looked at Fang Juexia. “It’s you. I want to be close to you, to understand your values, your outlook on life, and to be a gentle and powerful person like you.”
Fang Juexia was a little dazed. He could only look into Pei Tingsong’s eyes and see the light trembling within them.
“But I’m not as good as you think.”
“You are.” Pei Tingsong retorted without any scruples, “You just don’t know how good you are. As long as you smile at me, I can refute myself, and in fact, will believe that this world can be saved. You’re so good that you made a rebel give up on his resistance.”
He took Fang Juexia’s hand in his right hand and said, “You are the first person who has ever moved my heart. If you don’t have any feelings for me at all, I can be like most of the other useless people in this world, liking someone without uttering a word. I can also hide from and avoid you and be an ordinary bandmate with you just like Ling Yi and them. But you obviously also like me, and I can’t just let you go like that.”
Pei Tingsong’s tone was so firm, firm to the point that Fang Juexia had no strength left at all to refute him. He had to admit that Pei Tingsong was right. He was afraid; he was afraid that he would plunge head-first into it, but then in the end, he would be the only one left. He was afraid that he really was a hopeless romantic, just like his mother, and would become a withered grass who would spend his whole life awaiting that one short spring.
He issued a final resistance on his part. “We might not have a good ending.”
“I don’t want an ending, I want right now.” Pei Tingsong held his hand tightly. “People who are born will all die, and all of our endings are death. But because it is just like that, do you give up on life? I don’t want to lose my long cherished goal simply because of some value of calculated probability of failure, I want to live every heart-stopping moment of it.
“You just need to tell me, do you like me or do you not like me?”
Fang Juexia’s reason once again activated his protection mechanisms. He should refuse and keep silent; he had countless plans to protect himself and provide the tiniest bit of space for the two of them to turn back.
He really did have all these.
But Fang Juexia raised his head and looked straight into Pei Tingsong’s eyes, his whole being like a withered branch that was about to be broken.
“I like you.”
Only upon breaking the moment did he find the last bit of his vigor.
“Pei Tingsong, I like you.”
Translated by juurensha
Edited by Noks
Do you like me or do you not like me?
At the end of the whole song, Fang Juexia let out a breath.
In his thought process, when someone expressed love for him, he had to repay it by expressing gratitude, and giving a response. Pei Tingsong was the only exception. Fang Juexia knew that he should respond, but he was also afraid of responding. At least by singing this song out loud, it could count as being a kind of answer.
He was just like a bee that had fallen into a honeypot and was now completely wrapped up in sweet honey, and was now both happy and frightened. Emotionally, he had sampled and tasted an unprecedented delicacy, but his intellect warned him about the possibility of drowning.
Pei Tingsong and He Ziyan’s performance followed his, so after he finished singing his song, they didn’t even have time for a hug. This was just their job. Fang Juexia even felt guilty; this was the first time that he had indulged in his own selfish motives while working and had expressed his private emotions in front of so many people. He shouldn’t have done it, but he had inevitably fallen into doing so.
He had fallen into a spring day, one that he had never seen before, and he tried to get it to keep him. But it seemed very likely that he wouldn’t even be able to keep his own pool of snow.
Ling Yi half lay on his shoulder. “I feel like Xiao Pei isn’t quite in the right state ah.”
Strictly speaking, this performance didn’t count as being a solo performance, but He Ziyan and Pei Tingsong had combined their acts, one acting as the DJ, and the other as the rapper.
Lu Yuan also chimed in, “I too think so, he’s usually more explosive. I can’t say what’s wrong today, but other people can’t tell, so it’s fine.”
Jiang Miao took a look at Fang Juexia, then at the people on the stage.
“Everyone has been tired recently, it’s impossible to be in a good state all the time.” Jiang Miao patted Fang Juexia on the shoulder. “After we get through the promotional performances, we’ll be good.”
Fang Juexia’s eyes drifted towards the people on stage just like that. He was a little confused, and kept wondering if Pei Tingsong had understood the meaning of his song, and if that was why he was feeling a bit frustrated on-stage right now. However, Fang Juexia didn’t want him to be like that. He liked Pei Tingsong’s confidence and magnanimity, and he wanted Pei Tingsong to be like that forever.
“Thank you, He Ziyan and Pei Tingsong. Everyone, please give them the warmest applause! Who’s next?”
Amidst the voice of the host, Pei Tingsong stepped down from the stage and approached Fang Juexia step by step. To be honest, Fang Juexia was very uneasy, and he had even imagined many embarrassing scenarios for this situation in his mind. However, Pei Tingsong just came to a stand beside him, standing with him side by side, maintaining only a distance of about 15 cm between them. Only after Ling Yi went on-stage did he speak in a low voice.
“I’m a little tired, and I don’t even have anything to lean on here.”
Fang Juexia was puzzled by his sudden statement and turned his face to look at him. Pei Tingsong also turned his head. “Can I hold you for a bit?”
It was like this every time; clearly, the person who needed to be held was himself, but Pei Tingsong would come up with a good excuse and regain the initiative, efficiently taking charge. He looked fiercely aggressive, but after his confession, even physical contact between them had been reduced as much as possible, unless Fang Juexia’s consent was sought beforehand. Pei Tingsong had expressed himself straight-forwardly and actively, but his actions gave Fang Juexia enough respect.
Only after realising that things were just like this did Fang Juexia understand that he had no way to hide.
The silence between them allowed time to stretch as if in slow-motion, prolonging everything, and making every minute miserable. From the first time that he had confirmed that he liked Fang Juexia, Pei Tingsong had already anticipated the difficulty of the pursuit. Wasn’t it just like his risky escapades in ‘Escape For Your Life,’ didn’t he already know that he would probably fail? Of course he knew that, but there was always a slight chance of success.
Without waiting for Fang Juexia’s answer, he wanted to go ahead and say ‘forget it’. He hung his head down and prepared to give him some room while he went to find someone else to talk to, but at the next moment, Fang Juexia turned to face him.
“I…” Fang Juexia was a little embarrassed. “I’m too thin. It shouldn’t feel very comfortable holding me.”
Pei Tingsong suddenly came back to life. He saw the uneasy expression on Fang Juexia’s face and his arms that were stuck somewhere between stretching out and not stretching out, and he felt that he was the happiest person in the whole world at this moment.
Having gained Fang Juexia’s permission, he immediately hugged him and put his chin on his shoulder, acting completely like a satisfied large dog. Fang Juexia liked the feeling of Pei Tingsong pressing his weight onto himself; it sort of exuded the feeling of being depended on and trusted.
“Who says it’s uncomfortable? You were deceiving me.”
Pei Tingsong buried his head and tightened his arms. “Clearly, it’s very comfortable.”
Fang Juexia didn’t know what to say. He turned his head to see He Ziyan laughing at this.
“What’s the matter with Xiao Pei? He’s so weak after singing only one whole song ah,” He Ziyan continued joking, “20 years old, and he’s still a big spoiled child who wants a cuddle.”
Pei Tingsong didn’t look up, simply raising up a hand in He Ziyan’s direction and sticking out a middle finger.
Fang Juexia raised his hand and rubbed his back. They communicated with each other in silence and completed their conversation with a simple hug. It had taken him too much courage to sing that song, and it had made him directly face the uneasiness and disquiet that existed in his heart, but right now, his heart seemed to have calmed down and restored its equilibrium in Pei Tingsong’s arms.
As the ending of this meetup neared, the six members went on-stage together and sang a non-main song from their debut album, which was a very happy song. They were also forced to start providing cute fanservice. Each one of them was wearing a hairband with plush ears on top. Fang Juexia’s ears were rabbit ears while Pei Tingsong’s were gray wolf ears. They carried a small basket containing some small gifts in their hands. These were some little doll versions of the Kaleido members, some snacks, and official printed song lyrics cards.
While singing, everyone scattered the gifts in the small basket into the crowd. The scene suddenly became noisy, and all the fans in the front row grew very excited. Lu Yuan and Ling Yi, in particular, skipped around the whole place, shaking hands with the fans in the front row nearest to the stage.
After he finished singing his part, Fang Juexia adjusted his earpiece and looked at the fans in the back row. He then picked out the soft dolls from his small basket and went as far to the edge of the stage as possible, trying hard to throw the small dolls further away so that the fans in the back row could get them.
“Ahhhhhhhh! Juexia Gege!”
“Juexia Gege, look at me! Here!”
A lot of hands stretched out towards the edge of the stage, and Fang Juexia instinctually took a step back. After throwing all the dolls out, he crouched down and sprinkled the candy gently to the front rows.
“Juexia Gege!!”
“I also want some!”
Pei Tingsong’s eyes couldn’t leave Fang Juexia. While rapping out his part, he walked over to Fang Juexia. Coincidentally, with the end of this rap came the harmony part between them, with one high and one low. Fang Juexia’s basket had already been emptied out by this time, but the fans were like a flock of hungry little birds. Even if he turned the basket upside down, they still kept calling out his name. Fang Juexia looked back and saw Pei Tingsong behind him, so he wanted to take some things from his basket.
Looking at the way Fang Juexia was crouched near the edge and stretching out his hands, Pei Tingsong thought that he was so cute that he was about to die from it. However, just at this time, he saw a pair of hands grab Fang Juexia’s arm and violently drag him down, catching him completely off guard.
Those didn’t look like a girl’s hands.
Fang Juexia was shocked and started to fall back. Pei Tingsong hurried up and pulled Fang Juexia back towards the stage. However, at that same moment, those surprise-attacking hands released Fang Juexia to go and grasp at Pei Tingsong’s elbow. Pei Tingsong’s center of gravity was already tilting forward when he rushed over, and so, with this, he directly fell off the stage.
“Ah!”
“Pei Tingsong fell down!”
“My God!”
The scene below the stage burst into an uproar, and Fang Juexia, who had already been shocked, upon seeing Pei Tingsong fall down, felt as if his brain had exploded with a buzzing sound.
How could this happen…
Without thinking about it, Fang Juexia directly jumped off the stage. “You guys get out of the way a bit! Don’t step on him.” He used his own body to protect Pei Tingsong, and was pushed into half-kneeling on the ground. The backs of his hands, which were on the ground, were stepped on several times in the confusion, but he couldn’t feel it at all.
His mind was just full of Pei Tingsong.
The security guards came from both ends of the stage to separate the fans from them. Although the height of this stage wasn’t that high, Pei Tingsong had fallen down due to an external force and had landed pretty hard. The other members also immediately rushed over, but were stopped by the security and staff members. A big incident had already occured, and the other artists couldn’t encounter any more accidents.
The ringing in Fang Juexia’s ears continued; he couldn’t hear anything at all, as if he had fallen into the deep sea. He couldn’t control his eyes, and they burned and felt sore. He whispered Pei Tingsong’s name in the noisy stadium, over and over again.
The one who should have fallen was clearly himself, not Pei Tingsong.
Pei Tingsong hadn’t lost consciousness, and he also put his head on Fang Juexia’s leg, as if to stop him from worrying anymore. The event was suspended after this accident took place, and Pei Tingsong was rushed to the hospital, with all of the group members going with him.
Fang Juexia’s hands kept trembling the entire time he spent sitting in the car. He had seen that Pei Tingsong’s forehead and cheekbones were bruised from the fall, his wound had been bleeding, his eyebrows had been furrowed tight, and his forehead had been sweating. Just thinking about it made Fang Juexia feel pained, and his heart was currently hanging in midair, bumping and colliding against his chest back and forth.
If only he hadn’t gotten close to the edge of the stage, if only Pei Tingsong hadn’t reached out and pulled him back.
If he had been the one to fall, Fang Juexia actually wouldn’t be this upset.
As if seeing his worry, Pei Tingsong stretched out a hand, shook Fang Juexia’s hand, and put up a smiling face.
Seeing his weak smile made Fang Juexia feel even worse. His nose stung, and his eyes were sore.
His self-protection mechanisms had, early on, made him learn that he should not look at any external evaluations of him, nor take any of it to heart. But now, Fang Juexia actually thought back to those anonymous people cursing him out, commenting that he was a disaster magnet, and that anyone who came near him would become unlucky.
Logically thinking, these kinds of words, which were full of flaws and had no scientific basis, were worthless of being analyzed by him. However, after seeing Pei Tingsong get injured on his behalf, Fang Juexia, for the very first time, truly grew afraid that the other people’s cursing words had really come true.
When they got to the hospital, Cheng Qiang answered the phone, and his face grew grim. After hanging up, he told them, “This situation isn’t quite right. Originally, we thought it was a stage accident caused because of the fans’ excitement, but now it doesn’t look like that. The security guard who had been closest to the two of them reported to their venue director that he saw that the person who dragged Xiao Pei down wasn’t a fan.”
Fang Juexia immediately added, “It wasn’t a girl. They were very strong, and they were very violent when taking action; it should be a man.”
“They’re going to check the surveillance now, and with a little effort, they will definitely find them.” Cheng Qiang was very angry and cursed several times. “We must send this grandson to prison, he intended to harm him, I’m not even going to sue him!”
“Was it an anti-fan?” Ling Yi guessed.
He Ziyan had some doubts. “The tickets for the meetup weren’t given out casually; all the people there bought the album and then got the ticket through a lottery, so the chances of that happening aren’t high.”
Pei Tingsong was sent in to get examined, and they had to wait outside for the results.
Ling Yi was a little bit afraid. “I was also on the edge of the stage just now…”
Fang Juexia didn’t understand; there had been so many people and the other members had also been at the edge of the stage at the time, but only his hand was grabbed, and it seemed premeditated. If Pei Tingsong hadn’t appeared at that time, he would have been the one who had fallen down just now. If that person had taken any other further actions after that, he might have even gotten seriously injured.
It couldn’t still be Astar?
“I feel like they came for me.” Fang Juexia explained the situation to Cheng Qiang. After hearing this, Cheng Qiang pondered for a while. “It’s very possible it was vicious competition. The means within this circle are very dirty; a little actor I used to know had just gotten popular when, while filming a movie, someone did something and broke his leg and hand. The golden time for signing a contract on the film was gone just like that, and then he faded away quietly after that.”
Jiang Miao sighed. “I actually thought it was a stalker fan.”
“All of it will happen.” Cheng Qiang gave them a shot of reality. “Before, you weren’t popular enough, and many things were still very simple. Now that you are popular, the people and things you meet will all become more complicated. Stalker fans, antis, all kinds of slanders, traps, and even fanatical fans won’t be absent from your lives. The company will do its best to protect you guys, and you guys should also protect yourselves. Learn to keep your distance.”
Cheng Qiang kept getting calls one after another. Due to the livestream, the news about the stage accident quickly fermented online, and the entry titled ‘Pei Tingsong falls from the stage’ soon appeared on the Hot Search list. He had to immediately arrange for people to keep an eye on public opinion to avoid anyone from seizing a pretext to distort the situation. The Internet was so absurd; even if you were the victim, after going through the sewage online, you could end up becoming the target of public criticism, and there would be no way left to talk your way out of it at that point.
“The company has just already transferred some personnel over. Security isn’t a trivial matter, and we will arrange more than six bodyguards in the future, with each person having at least one security personnel to protect them.”
The doctor who did the examination opened the door and came out to communicate with Cheng Qiang. “The patient has contusions on his forehead, cheekbones, elbows, and knees. He has sustained a mild concussion from the impact and needs rest. More troublesome is the patient’s carpal bone fracture on his left wrist; it may have occurred when he was trying to support himself with his wrists when he fell, and it’s more serious, so we need to do a minor operation.”
An operation.
Fang Juexia was not as calm as usual after hearing this. “Then how long will it take to get better? Will it affect the use of his hands in the future?”
“No,” the doctor repeated, “It’s a minor operation. It will just take about three to four weeks to recover from it.”
After a quick explanation, the doctor began to prepare for the operation. There were very few people in the private hospital, and all of them waited in the waiting room. The accident had happened so suddenly, and Cheng Qiang’s workload had also increased suddenly. After repeatedly checking the official Weibo announcement, he arranged for someone to post it. After receiving a phone call, he stood up and said to the members, “Xiao Wen has come with the newly arranged security personnel, and they’re just downstairs. For today, let’s all go back and have a good rest. I’ll coordinate with CloudTV about tomorrow morning’s performance, and we’ll push it back by a day.”
Everyone stood up, but Fang Juexia didn’t move. He raised his head. “Qiang Ge, I’ll stay ba. You have so many things to deal with, you go back to the company first.”
Cheng Qiang was not at ease. “That won’t work, you have to go back to rest now.”
“I can’t rest well now.” Fang Juexia looked at him and said, “Xiao Pei was dragged down because he came to save me.”
Cheng Qiang knew Fang Juexia’s character very well, and was clearly aware that he was a child who liked to take all responsibilities onto his shoulders. “I can let you stay, but I will arrange for several staff members to wait for you guys outside. Let them know if you need help, but don’t blame yourself.”
Ling Yi also couldn’t help but say, “Yes ah, Juexia, it’s not like this is something you did.”
The other members came to comfort him, and Fang Juexia smiled. “I know. You guys go back quickly ba, and rest early. If anything happens, I’ll call you as soon as I can.”
No one could out-stubborn him, so Cheng Qiang had to arrange for a few people to come over and stand guard outside the waiting room. After they all left, the room was quiet.
Fang Juexia sat on the sofa in silence, waiting for the operation to end. The hands of the clock in his heart turned around and around, ticking away, allowing him to gradually recover his calm. But no matter how calm he got, as long as he closed his eyes, that moment of Pei Tingsong falling off the stage, with the bustling crowd and the scattered candy all over the ground, would always appear.
Objectively the operation didn’t take a very long time, but in Fang Juexia’s mind, it seemed that a long, long time had passed by before the door of the waiting room was finally opened and a nurse came to inform him, “The patient’s operation has been completed, and he has now been transferred to a single ward.”
“Is he all right?” Fang Juexia stood up.
“He’s fine, but he has a cast on his hand, so it may not be very easy to move around.”
Fang Juexia let out a breath and followed the nurse to the single room located in the VIP suite. Pei Tingsong lay quietly in a bed with his eyes closed.
“Is he in a stupor?”
“No,” The nurse replied, “The operation was performed under only local anesthesia, but he seemed very tired and fell asleep.”
Fang Juexia nodded and sat beside the bed.
“The patient may have a headache and tinnitus after waking up, and these are all after-effects of a minor concussion. If there are any other symptoms, please call us.”
“Yes, thank you.”
The nurse closed the door, and the room immediately grew quiet. Fang Juexia looked at Pei Tingsong, who was asleep. The wound on his face was wrapped in gauze and his left wrist was in a cast.
He was already this old, but this was the first time his heart had ached for someone like this. Fang Juexia even started to suspect whether he and Pei Tingsong were fated to always live in conflict; almost all injuries that Pei Tingsong had suffered, be it big and small, were caused by him. He thought of how after his solo performance, Pei Tingsong had even acted coquettish and he had let him hold him, and now Pei Tingsong was suddenly injured and lying in bed.
How painful a fracture must be ah.
Contemplating all this made Fang Juexia’s nose sting. He stretched out his hand and rubbed the plaster on Pei Tingsong’s wrist. His fingertips slowly moved forward along the plaster and touched the back half of his hand that was exposed under the plaster. The raised joints of his fingers gently covered Pei Tingsong’s hand.
His fingertips rubbed against the warm skin, and unconsciously, their fingers intertwined together.
His heart was aching and tightening all over.
It turned out that he likes this person so much.
His intertwined fingers started to retract from the grasp, but before they could, they were caught by the clenched hand, retaining and buckling down on the ten fingers that had almost escaped.
He was awake?
Fang Juexia got up and looked at Pei Tingsong. He saw that Pei Tingsong’s eyes were still closed, but the corners of his mouth had quirked up. He was pretending to be asleep, but he wasn’t succeeding at it at all.
“You’re awake.”
“No.”
Fang Juexia was not in the mood to joke with him. “Are you okay? Do you feel uncomfortable anywhere? Does your head really hurt? Do you want me to call the doctor?”
“You are being so frantic that people who didn’t know what was going on would think that I’ve been seriously injured.” Pei Tingsong opened his eyes and laughed at him. “I’m okay, just a little dizzy. I want to sit up.”
Fang Juexia hurried to help him adjust the bed so that he could lean against the pillows. He clearly had a lot to say, but when he saw Pei Tingsong really awake, he couldn’t utter a word. Pei Tingsong just looked at him being like this, and being watched by him like this made Fang Juexia lower his eyes. His throat was blocked for a long time before he said with difficulty, “Tomorrow…. we don’t have to go singing tomorrow morning. It’s been delayed by a day.”
As soon as he said that, he regretted it. There were clearly so many other things he could have said, why did he have to just choose this particular sentence? Even at this time, he was actually still talking about work, just like a fool.
Suddenly he heard a soft laugh. Pei Tingsong’s voice was very gentle when he asked, “Did this really scare you?”
Fang Juexia raised his eyes. As soon as he met his gaze, he looked away again, curled his lips, and didn’t say anything again.
Pei Tingsong spoke up, looking out for himself, “Guess what? When I had just fallen asleep now, I dreamt that you sang for me again. It was that song you sang during the day. I heard it again, it’s really nice.”
Saying that, he then looked at Fang Juexia and asked, “You sang that song for me, right?”
Fang Juexia didn’t deny it, tacitly agreeing with him.
Maybe, he didn’t sing it just for Pei Tingsong, but also for himself.
“Did I scare you?” He asked the question again, but this time, he added himself as a subject to it.
Fang Juexia was not a person who was used to scrutinizing other people’s words, but with Pei Tingsong, he could quickly realize the emotions conveyed through subtle details.
“No.”
Pei Tingsong smiled. “At first, I thought that love was the same as many other things. As long as I want it, I would definitely be able to obtain it. To tell you the truth, I’m also afraid that my pursuit will cause trouble for you. Whenever I say a single word, I’ll also repeatedly struggle to control myself to stay within the bounds of propriety.”
He looked at Fang Juexia. “I can’t help it, this is also the first time I’ve ever liked someone.”
Fang Juexia suddenly felt uncomfortable. Sometimes, because of Pei Tingsong’s boldness and bravery, he would forget that this person was actually a boy younger than himself. This boy had carelessly dug his heart out and had shown it to him, but he didn’t even have the courage to look at it. He just hid inside his shell and calculated the probability of failure.
“I know,” Pei Tingsong continued, “I don’t seem to be a person who can give off a sense of safety. But I hope you understand that I am pursuing you this way because I am just such a person, not because it’s some frivolous quick decision on my part.”
“I have never questioned your sincerity.” Fang Juexia looked down. “Never.”
“Then raise your head and look at me.”
Fang Juexia raised his head and looked at him.
Pei Tingsong’s face was pale, but his pupils were very bright. “Fang Juexia, the world is really rotten. Disaster, war, disease, unrest, verbal violence, and endless harm and suffering keep plaguing people. Everything around us is absurd and fragile. I’m an out-and-out rebel against this philosophy, and I despise trying to integrate with this society. Yes, the rules of life in this society force us to converge, and only by keeping the same values and behavior as most people can we live a better life. But I hate this kind of life.
“I only believe in myself, and I want to break away from all the rules to find my ‘self’. So I’m arrogant, I’m overbearing, and I only have myself and the so-called freedom I want to pursue in my eyes.
“But now, I find that it turns out that I also have something that I want to draw close to and converge with.” He looked at Fang Juexia. “It’s you. I want to be close to you, to understand your values, your outlook on life, and to be a gentle and powerful person like you.”
Fang Juexia was a little dazed. He could only look into Pei Tingsong’s eyes and see the light trembling within them.
“But I’m not as good as you think.”
“You are.” Pei Tingsong retorted without any scruples, “You just don’t know how good you are. As long as you smile at me, I can refute myself, and in fact, will believe that this world can be saved. You’re so good that you made a rebel give up on his resistance.”
He took Fang Juexia’s hand in his right hand and said, “You are the first person who has ever moved my heart. If you don’t have any feelings for me at all, I can be like most of the other useless people in this world, liking someone without uttering a word. I can also hide from and avoid you and be an ordinary bandmate with you just like Ling Yi and them. But you obviously also like me, and I can’t just let you go like that.”
Pei Tingsong’s tone was so firm, firm to the point that Fang Juexia had no strength left at all to refute him. He had to admit that Pei Tingsong was right. He was afraid; he was afraid that he would plunge head-first into it, but then in the end, he would be the only one left. He was afraid that he really was a hopeless romantic, just like his mother, and would become a withered grass who would spend his whole life awaiting that one short spring.
He issued a final resistance on his part. “We might not have a good ending.”
“I don’t want an ending, I want right now.” Pei Tingsong held his hand tightly. “People who are born will all die, and all of our endings are death. But because it is just like that, do you give up on life? I don’t want to lose my long cherished goal simply because of some value of calculated probability of failure, I want to live every heart-stopping moment of it.
“You just need to tell me, do you like me or do you not like me?”
Fang Juexia’s reason once again activated his protection mechanisms. He should refuse and keep silent; he had countless plans to protect himself and provide the tiniest bit of space for the two of them to turn back.
He really did have all these.
But Fang Juexia raised his head and looked straight into Pei Tingsong’s eyes, his whole being like a withered branch that was about to be broken.
“I like you.”
Only upon breaking the moment did he find the last bit of his vigor.
“Pei Tingsong, I like you.”
