Translated by juurensha
Edited by Noks
We are also the Ship of Theseus
Trigger warning: Child and Emotional Abuse
Fang Juexia hadn’t never imagined the scene of meeting him again. He was cold-hearted, but he still had fantasies.
He had imagined that one day, when he was busy, he would receive a phone call from his mother telling him that his “father” had returned. Her wait would then finally be rewarded, so every time he received a phone call from his mother, his mood would turn very complicated, being somewhat expectant and also somewhat fearful.
He had also imagined that maybe his father would hide within the audience at a future concert. Although Fang Juexia would not be able to see him clearly, maybe he would be down there, listening to him sing and watching him dance.
Then, Fang Juexia would think in his heart: Dad, you see, I’m not a failure. Even if I can’t see clearly, even if I have a birthmark on my face, I can have a stage.
So many fantasies were shattered at this moment.
Fang Juexia had never even dreamed that it would be such a miserable reunion.
It turned out that the person who had been following him for so many days was not a stalker fan, or a member of the paparazzi, or even a member of his former company that deliberately wanted to pull him down. It was his father.
His great father, who knew he suffered from night blindness, had come up to him in the dark underground parking lot while holding a steel rod and brandishing it at the back of his waist.
The back of his waist faintly ached, and the pain and shock had emptied Fang Juexia’s mind of all thoughts.
He looked at the face in front of him in silence, and it was already far different than the face in his memory. At last, he turned his head coldly and told the private bodyguard, “Please deal with this according to Pei Tingsong’s instructions ba.”
“Alright.” That person’s professionalism was very high, and without uttering any further words, he immediately readied himself to take this vicious and unrestrained ruffian away, when, unexpectedly, this thin middle-aged man suddenly burst with strength and started struggling desperately, shouting out aloud, “You conscienceless thing! You don’t even recognize your own father!”
He used extremely ugly words to curse, vomiting all kinds of dirty words. This ruffian possessed no logic, no rules, and was no different from a madman. Fang Juexia didn’t want to listen to him at all, but by the end, the ruffian had even started cursing out his mother.
So, Fang Juexia stopped in the middle of turning around, his back freezing for a second. He walked forward, stopped in front of the long steel rod, bent down to pick it up, then turned around and walked towards the madman.
When he came to a stand in front of him, Fang Juexia took out his cellphone from his pocket, turned on his flashlight, and aimed it at his aged face.
“Fang Ping, you’ve been taking drugs, haven’t you?” It was clearly an interrogative sentence, but his tone was clear and he wore a calm look, as if he were stating a fact that had nothing to do with him.
The person in front of him seemed to be stunned for a moment, but he couldn’t control his emotions at all. The muscles of his face were twitching, and he looked extremely strange.
Fang Juexia nodded and confirmed his judgment. “You’re addicted to drugs.”
Back when Fang Ping had first become addicted to drugs, Fang Juexia had thought that he could be saved. It was said on TV that people could be rehabilitated even if they made a mistake and became addicts, and he had believed it.
Even if this person had decided to disappear from their life later, Fang Juexia kept fantasizing that maybe one day, Fang Ping would turn over a new leaf.
But as time went by, and as Fang Juexia became more and more rational, he also grew clear on the fact that going completely clean was something that had a very small probability. Most people just made mistakes again and again, never rehabilitating properly. Drug addicts were even more akin to desperate criminals willing to swindle and deceive everyone around them, and they could and would do anything.
As Fang Juexia stood in front of him, he realised that he was already taller than Fang Ping. This period of abandonment had pushed him into growing up quickly, and now, when he looked at this man again, he discovered that this person had turned so desperate and incapable, just like a shriveled body drained of all human spirit.
Suddenly, Fang Juexia raised the steel rod. At that moment, he saw Fang Ping’s shoulders tremble.
He gave a very light sneer. “Isn’t this what you wanted to do to me just now?”
His eyes fell on Fang Ping’s lame leg. Fang Juexia lowered the rod and lightly tapped that leg. Then, without any ups-and-downs in his voice, he asked, “Or did you want to break my leg, to be like you?”
“I didn’t!” Fang Ping’s body kept trembling, and every word out of his mouth seemed to fall unsteadily. “I didn’t, I just-I just wanted to knock you out…”
“Knock me out.” Fang Juexia repeated his words, then continued, “And then what, kidnapping? Blackmail? Get a lot of money to buy all the drugs you’ve dreamed of?”
Fang Ping didn’t speak any more. He also could hardly speak any more, and his trembling legs couldn’t hold him steady. All he could do was let himself be dragged along by the bodyguard, as if he was a dummy sewn out of rags and cotton.
The bodyguard opened his mouth to speak. “Mr. Fang, the young master has arranged a place, and told me that if I caught someone, to lock them up there and wait for him to come back.” He looked at Fang Ping’s state, which made him unsuitable to linger around here. “How about, I’ll take him there, and you go back to rest first.”
People could come by here at any time, Pei Tingsong had indeed thought things through very thoroughly.
“No need to tell Pei Tingsong,” Fang Juexia said with a dismal smile. “He already has enough trouble to deal with.”
Compared with each other, neither of them was better off.
Fang Ping had now fallen into an unconscious state as he came down from his high and was soon taken away by the private bodyguard. Fang Juexia decided to go with him. When Fang Ping woke up, he would interrogate him again. He must find out the whole story.
The steel rod in his hand was heavy. Fang Juexia looked down at it. It was so long and heavy that if he had been hit on the head with it, he feared he wouldn’t have just passed out.
It seemed as if he was anticipating that sort of dull pain.
Throwing the steel rod into the trunk, Fang Juexia sorted out his mood. He was very clear that he couldn’t drive in such a state, he would definitely end up getting into an accident. So he got into the private bodyguard’s car and left the underground parking lot below the company with him.
All the way to their destination, Fang Juexia sat in the passenger seat, with his mind in a whirl as he listened to the bound Fang Ping struggling and yelling. He felt a little unreal right now, like this was a dogblood drama, one that was very ugly and very tormenting.
The skin on his forehead broke and began to bleed, and the blood tickled a bit as it trickled down to his eyelids. He raised his hand and wiped it off with the back of his hand, continuously looking ahead. He had, plainly, already cultivated himself into a stone, but it turned out that that stone could still feel hurt.
The private bodyguard took him to an apartment, threw the tied-up Fang Ping into one of the rooms, and tied him to a single bed, binding him just like one would a beast.
“Mr. Fang, you can rest for a while. Please call me whenever you need me, I will watch over him.”
Like a puppet, Fang Juexia opened his mouth, and with his throat filled with a dull voice, replied, “Thank you.” All he wanted right now was a glass of water.
After getting a cup of water, he very stubbornly didn’t go to rest. Instead, he came to the room where Fang Ping was locked up, sat at a table less than three meters away from him, and looked at him silently.
His throat was dry and itchy. He turned on only the bedside lamp because he didn’t want to see too clearly.
All night long, Fang Juexia kept listening to Fang Ping’s screams and roars, like a bystander without any emotions. The kind of loss of control of mind and spirit caused by the illicit drugs was fully and bloodily performed right in front of him. The sheets were torn apart as Fang Ping thrashed and struggled, while his mouth frothed. Under the blessings of his night blindness, this scene blurred, and it seemed much like he was watching someone being burnt alive from a distance; a living man melting into the flames of sin, turning into carbon, ash, and a pool of stinking stagnant water.
Finally being reunited after these many years of separation, but it had all been saved up just for this nightmare.
Looking at this scene, an untimely set of pictures flashed in Fang Juexia’s mind. They were all of Fang Ping’s high spirited appearance on the stage more than ten years ago as he danced to “Crazy Song” and “Immortal Story” with a beautiful posture, enchanting everyone. With every lift of his legs, his toes were taut straight, and this tight straightness was his pride.
During those years, his little self had often looked up at Fang Ping’s figure from below the stage, not even daring to blink out of fear of missing every wonderful moment of his father’s performance.
He was a dance maniac, and was only alive when he danced. When he was able to dance, he was so good that he could nourish Fang Juexia with endless love and feelings, letting him feel a warm father’s love, letting him appreciate the charm of the stage, and letting him nourish the greatest fantasy about the stage.
Fang Juexia, who had only been about four or five years old, had looked up at his father in the training room and had heard him utter all kinds of heroic words and ambitions.
[Dad will definitely be the brightest one on the stage in the future. At that time, you will be able to spot Dad at a glance.]
This was clearly the first person to teach him what a dream was.
Fang Juexia coldly looked at the man who was already gone crazy in front of him. Suddenly, he felt a fit of nausea. He wanted to vomit, but there was nothing that would come up, so he was only left with the option of drinking water continuously. The cold water ran down his esophagus, and he felt cold all over.
The sky brightened, and the night faded from black to dark blue, before finally disappearing. The bound Fang Ping seemed to have survived his withdrawal symptoms for now and had fainted. Fang Juexia stood by the window and quietly looked out at the street that had come back to life. People, looking as small as ants, walked on the road.
Ants were very easily trampled to death, so their dreams were even more fragile.
His cellphone vibrated several times. It was Ling Yi calling to ask him why he hadn’t returned to the dormitory to sleep. Fang Juexia typed slowly, and he didn’t know what he had replied with.
Fang Ping’s voice came from behind him again. His throat was already hoarse, and he was begging Fang Juexia to let him go. He seemed to be very sincerely sorry for his actions and was talking tearfully—
“I was wrong, child. I really didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted to talk to you, but I can’t control myself…
“Really, Dad feels so bad, I’m close to death, you know?
“Dad knows that you are promising now, and that you-you’re successful, and you can help Dad, right?
“For so many years, Dad has missed you very much too ah.”
Dad.
That was a far-flung word.
Fang Juexia’s emotions were pulling at his reason. Even though he was disgusted by Fang Ping while sympathizing with him emotionally, his reason was still analyzing the truth behind this person’s words, sentence by sentence.
He didn’t want to hurt him, but in the end, he had carried an iron rod along to find him.
He missed him very much, but he hadn’t returned home for so many years, and just as he had gotten popular, he had started to miss him.
Fang Juexia turned his back to him and still looked out of the window. His back was straight like a tree, and every word he uttered was objective and cold. He was more like an interrogator than a son. “When did you start following me? Does anyone else know about your return?”
Fang Ping, in a hoarse voice, rushed to answer the second question, “No, really, there’s no one.”
“Answer me, when did you start following me?” Fang Juexia repeated his question in a cold and detached manner.
“Late April… I-I, in order to meet you, I spent the last of my money to come to Beijing. Originally, Dad wanted to go back to Guangzhou, but I wanted to see you, child, I…”
“What drugs did you take before you came here?” Fang Juexia was somewhat relieved to hear that he had not been back to Guangzhou, and he directly interrupted his emotional plea, “What did you plan to do to me? What did you want from me?”
Fang Ping gasped. His whole voice sounded insubstantial, just like that of someone who was seriously ill. “I…. I don’t remember, Juexia…”
“You remember.” Hearing him say his name felt harsh on Fang Juexia’s ears, so he exposed his lie. “Talk, what were you going to do to me?”
His voice was too cold.
“I just want to knock you out, because I haven’t been able to find a chance to talk to you alone. I just want to talk to you, to ask you to help me, to help your father!”
Fang Juexia sneered.
“Don’t lie. Do you know what you look like after taking drugs? Have you ever looked in the mirror? If you had swung that rod down, who knows if I would even be able to stand up in front of you after that. Help? How could a corpse help you?”
His questions came out faster and faster, like bullets strafing out.
“Have you contacted my company and agent? What about other companies? Who else did you contact? Speak!”
Fang Ping’s mouth stuttered, his facial muscles trembled, and he simply couldn’t keep up with Fang Juexia’s pace.
He had gotten addicted to drugs again. The time he had spent sober was like the last radiance of the sun, a very short amount of time. As soon as he smoked, the body that had struggled to rise up collapsed down again, as his nerves were bitten by maggots. He could say anything and curse out anyone.
Right now, none of Fang Ping’s past goodness existed in Fang Juexia’s mind.
He remembered Fang Ping’s fury at the hospital when he had learned that he might be disabled for life. He remembered his father’s drunkenness as he had his son as a defective commodity. Fang Ping had casually picked up a chair and smashed it onto Fang Juexia’s back, and his whole spine had turned black and blue. In the summer, when he wore the poor quality white shirt of his school uniform, you could faintly see the bruises.
It had seemed as if his clothes were dirty.
Fang Ping began to curse him out again. Fang Juexia was unable to distinguish whether the real him was the person who was in the throes of addiction, or was it when he was sober.
“Garbage”, “Loser”, “No one will like something like you!”
“Waste”, “Defect”, “Not worthy of standing on a stage”, “For what reason should you succeed?”
These words were very familiar. Fang Juexia dimly went back to his childhood, when he had been afraid of his father coming back home reeking of alcohol every day. He would dodge the beer bottles that would hit his head at any time, but he hadn’t been able to avoid the ashtray that hit him. It just steadily shattered at his feet, and his toes had bled constantly.
Because of this, he couldn’t practice dancing. His feet hurt so much that he couldn’t stand, and when asked by the teacher, he could only lie.
He had said it was his own fault.
Why couldn’t the positive of human experience offset the negative part of it?
The beautiful childhood he had really experienced, and the subsequent shattering that came with it’s collapse, one good and one bad, one positive and one negative, they added up to zero, as if he had never had anything. This was too ideal a situation, while the reality of it was only the doubling of pain upon gaining and then losing something.
After struggling desperately, Fang Ping stopped again. He went back and forth just like that, with impermanent fits of madness. When he woke up, he’d start up with his hysterical abuse and screams, and when he passed out, he left him in a terrible silence.
Currently, Fang Juexia was like a clean piano lid that was constantly getting stained with dust, filth, and dirty fingerprints.
His waist felt very painful, and he couldn’t stand any more. He could only sit on the ground holding his knees as he quietly stared out of the window. The door of the room would open occasionally, and the bodyguard who obeyed Pei Tingsong would deliver food and water to him, but Fang Juexia didn’t even have the strength to thank him.
He didn’t dare to close his eyes. As long as he closed his eyes, he could see the original Fang Ping, the Fang Ping who shone with light, the one who was gentle and considerate. He was afraid of recognizing this mad person as him, and was afraid that he would be too soft-hearted.
The sky returned to darkness, the clouds turned gray, thunder and lightning resounded and suddenly, rain started falling heavily, with the smell of soil pouring into Fang Juexia’s nose. He felt nauseous again, so while supporting himself against the wall, he stood up and went to the bathroom. However, what took place was just dry-heaving again; he bent down and retched fiercely, as if he wanted to vomit all his internal organs, but nothing came out.
Within the mirror, his forehead was bruised and swollen, and there was a scab forming on his broken skin. Fang Juexia went as far as to find it lucky that he didn’t have any jobs lined up recently, otherwise, how would he be able to go on stage and face the camera? As soon as this thought appeared, Fang Juexia felt scared. He had clearly spent so many years affirming to himself that the birthmark on his face was not a flaw of an inferior product, but as soon as this person appeared in his life, those nightmares also reappeared.
Those seeds of self doubt that had been left buried in his blood and bones by his own father had only remained dormant for a while.
Fang Juexia no longer looked into the mirror. He tried to drive out those negative emotions with his reason, but his whole body was trembling slightly. He needed Sudoku, he needed reason, only with that could he calm down. As long as he could solve some problems and turn his brain around, he should get better.
Anxiety climbed into his heart, and Fang Juexia became more and more disoriented.
When he came out of the bathroom, he heard the sound of a door closing, and as he followed the sound, he looked up to catch sight of a half-wet person.
A hallucination?
How was it that it seemed to be Pei Tingsong?
As Pei Tingsong looked at Fang Juexia, his heart suddenly ached. Fang Juexia was as pale as a dried-out flower that was stubbornly keeping its original shape, but even a single touch would dissolve it into powder right now. The light in his eyes was completely extinguished, as if he couldn’t see him.
He walked up quickly, called out, “Juexia”, and wanted to hold him in his arms. But when he was one step away, he saw Fang Juexia’s lowered eyes, and so he stopped. It seemed that he was afraid that this hug would seem too hasty, and could end up making Fang Juexia even more upset.
So Pei Tingsong became hesitant and wanted to retrieve his stretched-out hand back.
Fang Juexia slowly raised his hand and touched Pei Tingsong’s chest. It was hot and had a heartbeat.
“You’re back.” Only after confirming that it was not an illusion did he say this sentence, acting like a person to whom nothing had happened to recently, one who was just waiting for his lover to return home.
He even tried to say the words that he had prepared long ago, and his voice was very calm. “…How are things going over there? Did your mom give up?”
Pei Tingsong took his hand and looked at the wound on his face. He was both angry and sad, and his heart was wedged with distress. He didn’t answer Fang Juexia’s question. “I rushed back as soon as I heard the news.
“He hit you, didn’t he? Today, I must break his…”
Fang Juexia shook his head feebly. “He didn’t succeed.” He was afraid Pei Tingsong would worry and repeated, “I’m fine, I’m pretty good.”
Naturally, Pei Tingsong didn’t believe him.
He had already learned from the bodyguard that Fang Juexia hadn’t closed his eyes all night, and had watched Fang Ping go crazy for the entire night. He didn’t dare even imagine Fang Juexia’s mood at the moment. He just wanted to coax him and take him far away from this scum.
“Juexia, will you go back with me first?” His voice was very light, and he raised his hand to touch Fang Juexia’s cheek. “Let’s rest and sleep for a bit. I’ll have professionals deal with this matter, don’t worry about it.”
“Sleep?” Fang Juexia seemed to have only heard a few words, and his eyes were confused. He shook his head. “I don’t want to sleep here, it’s too dirty.”
“I know.” Pei Tingsong rubbed his hand. “Let’s go back, go back to my place, okay?”
Fang Juexia nodded slightly.
In order to facilitate an interrogation, Pei Tingsong had directly arranged a suite in his high-end apartment building. This made it very easy to go back to his place, but it was very difficult to placate Fang Juexia.
Fang Juexia was dizzy and uncomfortable. As soon as he entered the apartment, he unconsciously walked to the empty living room. The muggy air left behind by the rain rushed into his nose, clogging up his breath and thoughts, making him uncomfortable, rendering him unable of rational thought. Even Pei Tingsong’s voice seemed to come from a distance, travelling through the patter of the rain, sounding very vague and very powerless.
He felt his hand being pulled by Pei Tingsong, felt himself being taken by him towards a room, and all the while he was in a sensitive and slow state.
He said he wanted to take a bath. Pei Tingsong wasn’t at ease with this but couldn’t dissuade him. He could only agree and start running hot water into the bathtub. Fang Juexia took off his top with his back to him, and covering the back of his waist was one giant bruise.
Pei Tingsong’s fists clenched up tight.
Hot water saved his life as it melted the ice frozen on him little by little. Fang Juexia leaned on one side of the bathtub, staring up at the ceiling, which allowed Pei Tingsong to carefully clean the wound on his forehead. When taking a bath, Fang Juexia didn’t say a word, as if he was thinking about something, or was just in a daze.
The only time he spoke was when he told Pei Tingsong to leave. He wanted to wash up by himself.
Pei Tingsong could only go out and leave a set of clothes out for him to change into after the bath. He was guarding the closed bathroom door from outside, his heart hanging.
He regretted returning to the United States at this time, regretted that he hadn’t been with Fang Juexia from the first moment of this encounter. But he also was very clear on the fact that even if he was here, what could he have done.
He would have just ended up watching Fang Juexia’s nightmare happen again with his own eyes, that’s all.
This person had been willing to be with him only after overcoming all difficulties. Pei Tingsong had finally, with great difficulty, convinced him to try and see, and had persuaded him to come out of the shadows to leave behind the distrust of love created by his own father, and to fall into his own arms.
Now, would he regret it?
When the bathroom door opened, Fang Juexia came out barefoot wearing Pei Tingsong’s pajamas. He came to Pei Tingsong’s bed carrying hot and humid water vapor around himself. He very deliberately lay on the bed and didn’t let Pei Tingsong urge him any more.
“Then you rest.” Pei Tingsong tucked him in, lowered his eyes and lowered his voice. “Call me if you need anything.”
Just as he was about to turn around, Fang Juexia sat up and grabbed his hand, his eyes turning red.
“You’re back, but you haven’t hugged me yet.”
At the moment he heard that, Pei Tingsong suddenly realized that he really was an asshole. He kept saying that he liked Fang Juexia, but he had no confidence in him.
He was too worried about whether he could keep his favor, being fragile to the point where if he heard Fang Juexia say one “no”, he would collapse.
Pei Tingsong held Fang Juexia in his arms. His nose stung, and he tried to hold back his tears. “I’m sorry.”
Fang Juexia didn’t understand his apology, so he didn’t respond. He just raised his hand and hugged him back, saying with a gentle voice, “You also didn’t answer my question, how are things over there?”
Pei Tingsong shook his head, rubbed the back of his neck, and kissed the top of his hair. “It’s fine.”
“That’s good.” Fang Juexia shrank in his arms and closed his eyes.
They were just two injured animals, and when they bled, their temperatures lowered, so they had no choice but to embrace each other and survive by using each other’s warmth.
Fang Juexia was used to managing his emotions year in and year out, and he was used to overpowering his sensibility with reason, so he couldn’t even be hysterical when he was in pain. All of his bloody and mangled memories and emotions were always separated from him by a piece of ground glass, so they never came in complete or direct contact with his reality.
“You know, sometimes I feel like I’m very dark, too. When I knew that the man who followed and attacked me in the parking lot was him, guess what my first reaction was?”
Fang Juexia tried to keep his voice steady. “I wanted my mom to come here immediately and see for herself what kind of person she has been waiting for for so many years.”
Pei Tingsong could hear the despair in his heart.
“I stayed with him all night, listening to him go crazy, listening to him curse out me and my mom. Every time, after a while, that idea would pop up in my heart. I even wanted to record him being like this, or take a picture of the steel rod he was going to smash into my head, and send it all to my mom, so that she can wake up a bit and end her fantasy once and for all.”
His emotions, which had been fermenting all this time, finally ripened in Pei Tingsong’s arms and was now on the verge of erupting.
“Every time I wanted to do this, I thought of my mom sitting at the table looking at the door. No matter how sad she was, her face was always full of hope. Just like…”
Just like she was waiting for spring every year.
He didn’t know what would happen to her if he told her that there would be no spring in the days to come.
Thinking of this, Fang Juexia’s tears finally poured down, one big drop falling after another, like stones that couldn’t bear their weight anymore, so they rolled down the iceberg.
This was Pei Tingsong’s first time really seeing Fang Juexia cry ever since he had met him. He wasn’t crying for himself, but for his mother’s lost love. A once happily-ever-after story had eventually become a shackle leading to a life-long probation.
But even if it was a probation, Fang Juexia still couldn’t bear to break his mother’s fantasy.
Probation was at least better than immediate execution.
Pei Tingsong stroked Fang Juexia’s cheek and gently kissed away the tears on his face.
Fang Juexia looked at him. “What do you say? Letting her continue waiting for a lover who already no longer exists, isn’t that…isn’t that cruel?”
“We won’t tell her, we won’t say anything to her.” Pei Tingsong touched his forehead and said, “I will send him to the place where he should go. I won’t let him appear in front of you again, and I won’t let him hurt you again.”
For the first time, he had learned to love someone. For the first time, he had desires of soul and flesh. For the first time, he had learned to give up his resistance, and it was also the first time that he tasted what it was like to feel heartache for others.
But while he would rather not have such an experience, he also wanted to make Fang Juexia feel better.
“He wasn’t like that in the past; he also had times when he protected me.”
Fang Juexia’s body trembled in his arms. “He also used to be like this, hugging me and taking me to the training room so that I could watch him practice basic skills and watch him dance. My mama said that when I was a few months old, I cried a lot. I had to be held by someone every day before I would fall asleep, so he stayed up all night, holding me in his arms and humming his dance music to me. He also boasted that I was the most good-looking child in the world, and he would watch me all night when I had a fever. On the waters of the Pearl River, on that cruise ship, he would let me sit on his shoulders as the river wind blew all around me.”
These were not fake memories, he really had experienced a father’s love once.
“Before he fell down, before I knew about my night-blindness, he said…”
He took a deep breath. “He said my mama and I were the people he loved the most, and he said I was his pride.
“But in fact, compared to his own pride, I’m nothing, right?”
Pei Tingsong stroked his hair. “No, Fang Juexia, you are the best and most precious person in the world.
“You have to remember that failure, alcohol, and drugs, these things have all long corrupted him. He is no longer a normal person. No matter what spiteful words he says, they’re all wrong. Don’t listen to them.”
That’s right. Fang Juexia recited Pei Tingsong’s words in his heart.
He wasn’t a normal person, and all the “missing you” he had uttered were lies.
Reuniting after many years apart, Fang Ping still gave him nothing but bruises and wounds.
Fang Juexia lay down in Pei Tingsong’s arms and felt his hands caressing his hair and back.
Pei Tingsong could feel Fang Juexia’s inner turmoil. It was very mysterious, but he could just feel it. He had been unable to make a decision for so many years, which was why he was suffering so much now. And whenever he saw his father again and suffered from his abuse again, Fang Juexia would be in a lot of personal pain.
“Is your heart still troubled? Your father when you were a child, versus the him you met now.”
Fang Juexia couldn’t deny it.
He had continuously persuaded himself, just like his mother, that the man in front of him now wasn’t the person he had been before. The best choice was to let him fend for himself. However, his heart was still in a lot of pain, especially when dreaming of the past, dreaming of when he had been held in his father’s arms and had seen the stage for the first time.
Every time he woke up, his face was wet with tears.
Pei Tingsong understood his silence. “Everyone in this world is changing all the time, because of various reasons and under various circumstances. Even if we accept this kind of change, it is very difficult to judge whether this person is still the original one or not.”
Speaking of this, he rubbed Fang Juexia’s cheek and asked softly, “Have you ever heard the story of The Ship of Theseus?”
Fang Juexia shook his head as he reigned in his emotions. “It’s another philosophical paradox?”
“You guessed it.” Pei Tingsong held his hand. “This is a very old thought experiment. Suppose there is a ship, and as long as people keep repairing and replacing its parts, it can always keep sailing. Whenever any part of the deck rots, or any part of the canvas is damaged, it will be replaced with a new one. In this way, hundreds of years later, the Ship of Theseus will no longer have any of its original parts. Then, is it still the original one?”
Fang Juexia considered it, and two answers debated in his mind. With the continuous replacement of parts and renewal of the ship, it had already lost any parts belonging to the past, and then everything of the past ship.
But all of these were gradually lost, and it had not been changed directly into a new ship. It was still called Theseus, and still sailed like before on the seas all the time.
After serious consideration, Fang Juexia opened his mouth and tried to give his own answer, “This question depends on how we define this ship, right?”
Pei Tingsong nodded and got closer. The tip of his nose touched Fang Juexia’s. “Juexia, do you remember? You actually already have a definition.
“You said that the essence of a person is the self he tries the hardest to preserve.”
Fang Juexia nodded, and tears brimmed up in his eyes, as he awakened to the truth after his painful struggle.
Fang Ping had long ago lost the self he had once tried so hard to preserve.
He tried to tell Pei Tingsong his answer, “So… He’s already not the him from before.”
He was also no longer that father who had once whole-heartedly loved him.
Pei Tingsong knew this kind of pain because he had also experienced it. It was really hard to admit that his parents didn’t love him, but illusory delusions would only hurt him.
“Just let the ship from the past stay in your heart. It has no material form, it will always exist and never change.”
The tears he had held back fell once again. Yes, in any case, he had to admit that his father, the one from before, had long disappeared, and he had actually disappeared from the moment when he could no longer stand up after falling on the stage.
That fall had smashed his ‘self’ completely, so much so that he couldn’t save it at all.
It was really hard for Fang Juexia to admit to himself that he was no longer loved. For so many years, he had been avoiding it and had been unwilling to face it, so much so that his father who loved him in the past and this madman now overlapped into a single shadow, which caused him to be more afraid when he walked in the already frightening darkness.
He was afraid that he would lose control and be swallowed up by this shadow, so he would try his best to keep his senses about him and remain clear-headed at every moment. This kind of fear made him reject being loved by others while also refusing to love others.
Because he didn’t want to create any more nightmares for himself.
Pei Tingsong’s face was close at hand, and they were right next to each other. Fang Juexia finally came out of that paranoid “clear-headedness”, and really woke up this time.
He admitted that he was wrong.
When surrounded by malice, he subconsciously thought that what he needed was a Sudoku book, in order to roughly divert his attention and emotions through logical reasoning. Only now did he discover how crude this form of emotional distraction was.
He just needed love, that was all.
Fang Juexia never thought that the cocoon he had woven to shield himself from his pain for so many years would be so easily untied by Pei Tingsong. Even just a few moments ago, he had almost subconsciously pushed Pei Tingsong away. He thought he could digest this disaster himself.
It suddenly occurred to him that when he had just laid on the bed, Pei Tingsong’s eyes had looked lost. It seemed that he had wanted to leave Fang Juexia quietly alone.
Fang Juexia changed his perspective. Maybe, Pei Tingsong was afraid that after seeing Fang Ping’s bleak appearance, he would regret throwing himself into a love affair with him ba.
If it was the him from before, he might have done so. Because he was too scared.
“Tingsong.” Fang Juexia spoke softly and called out his name, “Thank you.”
Pei Tingsong smiled and felt that his heartache had been relieved a lot. It should be him who should thank Fang Juexia, since he was the one who had saved him.
“I know there are many, many failed cases in the world.” Fang Juexia raised his hand and lightly put it on Pei Tingsong’s cheek. The rain outside the window seemed to have grown a bit softer, and the sound also grew softer.
“But I have never doubted the existence of true love.” Fang Juexia’s eyes were firm, and his eyebrows were raised. It was as if he was saying— Look, Fang Juexia is once again talking about that “existence” that makes your head hurt.
And Pei Tingsong’s heart indeed convulsed because of his “existence”.
“Besides, I’m also changing. I’m also trying to calculate the probability of success right now, really.” Fang Juexia knew that his head was a bit muddled right now, but he hoped that Pei Tingsong could understand his heart. “So don’t be afraid that I will give up, I’m not a coward.”
“En, I know you’re very brave.” Pei Tingsong kissed him on the tip of his nose extremely gently. “It was me who was worried about losing your favor, I’m the one who’s changed.”
In the past, Pei Tingsong was confident about everything, and it seemed that there was no place he could not go to or anything he couldn’t do in the world. He could easily step into many forests and live all the kinds of life he wanted to. He was free and fearless.
Until he fell in love with Fang Juexia.
His perversity was wrapped by Fang Juexia’s tenderness, and he finally realized what it was like to be afraid of losing something. Now, he was already rendered incapable of fighting for the probability of success on every little thing, and he had begun to think about the consequences of failure.
Pei Tingsong was really very scared that Fang Juexia would one day tell him—I picked the wrong point, and you are still an irrational number.
Even though he had clearly just cried, Fang Juexia looked at Pei Tingsong’s upset face right now and smiled unconsciously. It was his first smile ever since he had laid eyes on Fang Ping.
“We’re becoming more and more alike, how strange.”
Looking at him was like looking at himself, the opposition and unity of symbiosis caught in a mirror image.
Pei Tingsong hugged him tightly and kissed the side of his neck.
“It’s not strange. We are two Ships of Theseus sailing on the sea. We met by accident and became afraid of separating, so you gave me your parts, and I gave you my parts. We are no longer what we used to be.
“We became each other.”
Translated by juurensha
Edited by Noks
We are also the Ship of Theseus
Trigger warning: Child and Emotional Abuse
Fang Juexia hadn’t never imagined the scene of meeting him again. He was cold-hearted, but he still had fantasies.
He had imagined that one day, when he was busy, he would receive a phone call from his mother telling him that his “father” had returned. Her wait would then finally be rewarded, so every time he received a phone call from his mother, his mood would turn very complicated, being somewhat expectant and also somewhat fearful.
He had also imagined that maybe his father would hide within the audience at a future concert. Although Fang Juexia would not be able to see him clearly, maybe he would be down there, listening to him sing and watching him dance.
Then, Fang Juexia would think in his heart: Dad, you see, I’m not a failure. Even if I can’t see clearly, even if I have a birthmark on my face, I can have a stage.
So many fantasies were shattered at this moment.
Fang Juexia had never even dreamed that it would be such a miserable reunion.
It turned out that the person who had been following him for so many days was not a stalker fan, or a member of the paparazzi, or even a member of his former company that deliberately wanted to pull him down. It was his father.
His great father, who knew he suffered from night blindness, had come up to him in the dark underground parking lot while holding a steel rod and brandishing it at the back of his waist.
The back of his waist faintly ached, and the pain and shock had emptied Fang Juexia’s mind of all thoughts.
He looked at the face in front of him in silence, and it was already far different than the face in his memory. At last, he turned his head coldly and told the private bodyguard, “Please deal with this according to Pei Tingsong’s instructions ba.”
“Alright.” That person’s professionalism was very high, and without uttering any further words, he immediately readied himself to take this vicious and unrestrained ruffian away, when, unexpectedly, this thin middle-aged man suddenly burst with strength and started struggling desperately, shouting out aloud, “You conscienceless thing! You don’t even recognize your own father!”
He used extremely ugly words to curse, vomiting all kinds of dirty words. This ruffian possessed no logic, no rules, and was no different from a madman. Fang Juexia didn’t want to listen to him at all, but by the end, the ruffian had even started cursing out his mother.
So, Fang Juexia stopped in the middle of turning around, his back freezing for a second. He walked forward, stopped in front of the long steel rod, bent down to pick it up, then turned around and walked towards the madman.
When he came to a stand in front of him, Fang Juexia took out his cellphone from his pocket, turned on his flashlight, and aimed it at his aged face.
“Fang Ping, you’ve been taking drugs, haven’t you?” It was clearly an interrogative sentence, but his tone was clear and he wore a calm look, as if he were stating a fact that had nothing to do with him.
The person in front of him seemed to be stunned for a moment, but he couldn’t control his emotions at all. The muscles of his face were twitching, and he looked extremely strange.
Fang Juexia nodded and confirmed his judgment. “You’re addicted to drugs.”
Back when Fang Ping had first become addicted to drugs, Fang Juexia had thought that he could be saved. It was said on TV that people could be rehabilitated even if they made a mistake and became addicts, and he had believed it.
Even if this person had decided to disappear from their life later, Fang Juexia kept fantasizing that maybe one day, Fang Ping would turn over a new leaf.
But as time went by, and as Fang Juexia became more and more rational, he also grew clear on the fact that going completely clean was something that had a very small probability. Most people just made mistakes again and again, never rehabilitating properly. Drug addicts were even more akin to desperate criminals willing to swindle and deceive everyone around them, and they could and would do anything.
As Fang Juexia stood in front of him, he realised that he was already taller than Fang Ping. This period of abandonment had pushed him into growing up quickly, and now, when he looked at this man again, he discovered that this person had turned so desperate and incapable, just like a shriveled body drained of all human spirit.
Suddenly, Fang Juexia raised the steel rod. At that moment, he saw Fang Ping’s shoulders tremble.
He gave a very light sneer. “Isn’t this what you wanted to do to me just now?”
His eyes fell on Fang Ping’s lame leg. Fang Juexia lowered the rod and lightly tapped that leg. Then, without any ups-and-downs in his voice, he asked, “Or did you want to break my leg, to be like you?”
“I didn’t!” Fang Ping’s body kept trembling, and every word out of his mouth seemed to fall unsteadily. “I didn’t, I just-I just wanted to knock you out…”
“Knock me out.” Fang Juexia repeated his words, then continued, “And then what, kidnapping? Blackmail? Get a lot of money to buy all the drugs you’ve dreamed of?”
Fang Ping didn’t speak any more. He also could hardly speak any more, and his trembling legs couldn’t hold him steady. All he could do was let himself be dragged along by the bodyguard, as if he was a dummy sewn out of rags and cotton.
The bodyguard opened his mouth to speak. “Mr. Fang, the young master has arranged a place, and told me that if I caught someone, to lock them up there and wait for him to come back.” He looked at Fang Ping’s state, which made him unsuitable to linger around here. “How about, I’ll take him there, and you go back to rest first.”
People could come by here at any time, Pei Tingsong had indeed thought things through very thoroughly.
“No need to tell Pei Tingsong,” Fang Juexia said with a dismal smile. “He already has enough trouble to deal with.”
Compared with each other, neither of them was better off.
Fang Ping had now fallen into an unconscious state as he came down from his high and was soon taken away by the private bodyguard. Fang Juexia decided to go with him. When Fang Ping woke up, he would interrogate him again. He must find out the whole story.
The steel rod in his hand was heavy. Fang Juexia looked down at it. It was so long and heavy that if he had been hit on the head with it, he feared he wouldn’t have just passed out.
It seemed as if he was anticipating that sort of dull pain.
Throwing the steel rod into the trunk, Fang Juexia sorted out his mood. He was very clear that he couldn’t drive in such a state, he would definitely end up getting into an accident. So he got into the private bodyguard’s car and left the underground parking lot below the company with him.
All the way to their destination, Fang Juexia sat in the passenger seat, with his mind in a whirl as he listened to the bound Fang Ping struggling and yelling. He felt a little unreal right now, like this was a dogblood drama, one that was very ugly and very tormenting.
The skin on his forehead broke and began to bleed, and the blood tickled a bit as it trickled down to his eyelids. He raised his hand and wiped it off with the back of his hand, continuously looking ahead. He had, plainly, already cultivated himself into a stone, but it turned out that that stone could still feel hurt.
The private bodyguard took him to an apartment, threw the tied-up Fang Ping into one of the rooms, and tied him to a single bed, binding him just like one would a beast.
“Mr. Fang, you can rest for a while. Please call me whenever you need me, I will watch over him.”
Like a puppet, Fang Juexia opened his mouth, and with his throat filled with a dull voice, replied, “Thank you.” All he wanted right now was a glass of water.
After getting a cup of water, he very stubbornly didn’t go to rest. Instead, he came to the room where Fang Ping was locked up, sat at a table less than three meters away from him, and looked at him silently.
His throat was dry and itchy. He turned on only the bedside lamp because he didn’t want to see too clearly.
All night long, Fang Juexia kept listening to Fang Ping’s screams and roars, like a bystander without any emotions. The kind of loss of control of mind and spirit caused by the illicit drugs was fully and bloodily performed right in front of him. The sheets were torn apart as Fang Ping thrashed and struggled, while his mouth frothed. Under the blessings of his night blindness, this scene blurred, and it seemed much like he was watching someone being burnt alive from a distance; a living man melting into the flames of sin, turning into carbon, ash, and a pool of stinking stagnant water.
Finally being reunited after these many years of separation, but it had all been saved up just for this nightmare.
Looking at this scene, an untimely set of pictures flashed in Fang Juexia’s mind. They were all of Fang Ping’s high spirited appearance on the stage more than ten years ago as he danced to “Crazy Song” and “Immortal Story” with a beautiful posture, enchanting everyone. With every lift of his legs, his toes were taut straight, and this tight straightness was his pride.
During those years, his little self had often looked up at Fang Ping’s figure from below the stage, not even daring to blink out of fear of missing every wonderful moment of his father’s performance.
He was a dance maniac, and was only alive when he danced. When he was able to dance, he was so good that he could nourish Fang Juexia with endless love and feelings, letting him feel a warm father’s love, letting him appreciate the charm of the stage, and letting him nourish the greatest fantasy about the stage.
Fang Juexia, who had only been about four or five years old, had looked up at his father in the training room and had heard him utter all kinds of heroic words and ambitions.
[Dad will definitely be the brightest one on the stage in the future. At that time, you will be able to spot Dad at a glance.]
This was clearly the first person to teach him what a dream was.
Fang Juexia coldly looked at the man who was already gone crazy in front of him. Suddenly, he felt a fit of nausea. He wanted to vomit, but there was nothing that would come up, so he was only left with the option of drinking water continuously. The cold water ran down his esophagus, and he felt cold all over.
The sky brightened, and the night faded from black to dark blue, before finally disappearing. The bound Fang Ping seemed to have survived his withdrawal symptoms for now and had fainted. Fang Juexia stood by the window and quietly looked out at the street that had come back to life. People, looking as small as ants, walked on the road.
Ants were very easily trampled to death, so their dreams were even more fragile.
His cellphone vibrated several times. It was Ling Yi calling to ask him why he hadn’t returned to the dormitory to sleep. Fang Juexia typed slowly, and he didn’t know what he had replied with.
Fang Ping’s voice came from behind him again. His throat was already hoarse, and he was begging Fang Juexia to let him go. He seemed to be very sincerely sorry for his actions and was talking tearfully—
“I was wrong, child. I really didn’t want to hurt you. I just wanted to talk to you, but I can’t control myself…
“Really, Dad feels so bad, I’m close to death, you know?
“Dad knows that you are promising now, and that you-you’re successful, and you can help Dad, right?
“For so many years, Dad has missed you very much too ah.”
Dad.
That was a far-flung word.
Fang Juexia’s emotions were pulling at his reason. Even though he was disgusted by Fang Ping while sympathizing with him emotionally, his reason was still analyzing the truth behind this person’s words, sentence by sentence.
He didn’t want to hurt him, but in the end, he had carried an iron rod along to find him.
He missed him very much, but he hadn’t returned home for so many years, and just as he had gotten popular, he had started to miss him.
Fang Juexia turned his back to him and still looked out of the window. His back was straight like a tree, and every word he uttered was objective and cold. He was more like an interrogator than a son. “When did you start following me? Does anyone else know about your return?”
Fang Ping, in a hoarse voice, rushed to answer the second question, “No, really, there’s no one.”
“Answer me, when did you start following me?” Fang Juexia repeated his question in a cold and detached manner.
“Late April… I-I, in order to meet you, I spent the last of my money to come to Beijing. Originally, Dad wanted to go back to Guangzhou, but I wanted to see you, child, I…”
“What drugs did you take before you came here?” Fang Juexia was somewhat relieved to hear that he had not been back to Guangzhou, and he directly interrupted his emotional plea, “What did you plan to do to me? What did you want from me?”
Fang Ping gasped. His whole voice sounded insubstantial, just like that of someone who was seriously ill. “I…. I don’t remember, Juexia…”
“You remember.” Hearing him say his name felt harsh on Fang Juexia’s ears, so he exposed his lie. “Talk, what were you going to do to me?”
His voice was too cold.
“I just want to knock you out, because I haven’t been able to find a chance to talk to you alone. I just want to talk to you, to ask you to help me, to help your father!”
Fang Juexia sneered.
“Don’t lie. Do you know what you look like after taking drugs? Have you ever looked in the mirror? If you had swung that rod down, who knows if I would even be able to stand up in front of you after that. Help? How could a corpse help you?”
His questions came out faster and faster, like bullets strafing out.
“Have you contacted my company and agent? What about other companies? Who else did you contact? Speak!”
Fang Ping’s mouth stuttered, his facial muscles trembled, and he simply couldn’t keep up with Fang Juexia’s pace.
He had gotten addicted to drugs again. The time he had spent sober was like the last radiance of the sun, a very short amount of time. As soon as he smoked, the body that had struggled to rise up collapsed down again, as his nerves were bitten by maggots. He could say anything and curse out anyone.
Right now, none of Fang Ping’s past goodness existed in Fang Juexia’s mind.
He remembered Fang Ping’s fury at the hospital when he had learned that he might be disabled for life. He remembered his father’s drunkenness as he had his son as a defective commodity. Fang Ping had casually picked up a chair and smashed it onto Fang Juexia’s back, and his whole spine had turned black and blue. In the summer, when he wore the poor quality white shirt of his school uniform, you could faintly see the bruises.
It had seemed as if his clothes were dirty.
Fang Ping began to curse him out again. Fang Juexia was unable to distinguish whether the real him was the person who was in the throes of addiction, or was it when he was sober.
“Garbage”, “Loser”, “No one will like something like you!”
“Waste”, “Defect”, “Not worthy of standing on a stage”, “For what reason should you succeed?”
These words were very familiar. Fang Juexia dimly went back to his childhood, when he had been afraid of his father coming back home reeking of alcohol every day. He would dodge the beer bottles that would hit his head at any time, but he hadn’t been able to avoid the ashtray that hit him. It just steadily shattered at his feet, and his toes had bled constantly.
Because of this, he couldn’t practice dancing. His feet hurt so much that he couldn’t stand, and when asked by the teacher, he could only lie.
He had said it was his own fault.
Why couldn’t the positive of human experience offset the negative part of it?
The beautiful childhood he had really experienced, and the subsequent shattering that came with it’s collapse, one good and one bad, one positive and one negative, they added up to zero, as if he had never had anything. This was too ideal a situation, while the reality of it was only the doubling of pain upon gaining and then losing something.
After struggling desperately, Fang Ping stopped again. He went back and forth just like that, with impermanent fits of madness. When he woke up, he’d start up with his hysterical abuse and screams, and when he passed out, he left him in a terrible silence.
Currently, Fang Juexia was like a clean piano lid that was constantly getting stained with dust, filth, and dirty fingerprints.
His waist felt very painful, and he couldn’t stand any more. He could only sit on the ground holding his knees as he quietly stared out of the window. The door of the room would open occasionally, and the bodyguard who obeyed Pei Tingsong would deliver food and water to him, but Fang Juexia didn’t even have the strength to thank him.
He didn’t dare to close his eyes. As long as he closed his eyes, he could see the original Fang Ping, the Fang Ping who shone with light, the one who was gentle and considerate. He was afraid of recognizing this mad person as him, and was afraid that he would be too soft-hearted.
The sky returned to darkness, the clouds turned gray, thunder and lightning resounded and suddenly, rain started falling heavily, with the smell of soil pouring into Fang Juexia’s nose. He felt nauseous again, so while supporting himself against the wall, he stood up and went to the bathroom. However, what took place was just dry-heaving again; he bent down and retched fiercely, as if he wanted to vomit all his internal organs, but nothing came out.
Within the mirror, his forehead was bruised and swollen, and there was a scab forming on his broken skin. Fang Juexia went as far as to find it lucky that he didn’t have any jobs lined up recently, otherwise, how would he be able to go on stage and face the camera? As soon as this thought appeared, Fang Juexia felt scared. He had clearly spent so many years affirming to himself that the birthmark on his face was not a flaw of an inferior product, but as soon as this person appeared in his life, those nightmares also reappeared.
Those seeds of self doubt that had been left buried in his blood and bones by his own father had only remained dormant for a while.
Fang Juexia no longer looked into the mirror. He tried to drive out those negative emotions with his reason, but his whole body was trembling slightly. He needed Sudoku, he needed reason, only with that could he calm down. As long as he could solve some problems and turn his brain around, he should get better.
Anxiety climbed into his heart, and Fang Juexia became more and more disoriented.
When he came out of the bathroom, he heard the sound of a door closing, and as he followed the sound, he looked up to catch sight of a half-wet person.
A hallucination?
How was it that it seemed to be Pei Tingsong?
As Pei Tingsong looked at Fang Juexia, his heart suddenly ached. Fang Juexia was as pale as a dried-out flower that was stubbornly keeping its original shape, but even a single touch would dissolve it into powder right now. The light in his eyes was completely extinguished, as if he couldn’t see him.
He walked up quickly, called out, “Juexia”, and wanted to hold him in his arms. But when he was one step away, he saw Fang Juexia’s lowered eyes, and so he stopped. It seemed that he was afraid that this hug would seem too hasty, and could end up making Fang Juexia even more upset.
So Pei Tingsong became hesitant and wanted to retrieve his stretched-out hand back.
Fang Juexia slowly raised his hand and touched Pei Tingsong’s chest. It was hot and had a heartbeat.
“You’re back.” Only after confirming that it was not an illusion did he say this sentence, acting like a person to whom nothing had happened to recently, one who was just waiting for his lover to return home.
He even tried to say the words that he had prepared long ago, and his voice was very calm. “…How are things going over there? Did your mom give up?”
Pei Tingsong took his hand and looked at the wound on his face. He was both angry and sad, and his heart was wedged with distress. He didn’t answer Fang Juexia’s question. “I rushed back as soon as I heard the news.
“He hit you, didn’t he? Today, I must break his…”
Fang Juexia shook his head feebly. “He didn’t succeed.” He was afraid Pei Tingsong would worry and repeated, “I’m fine, I’m pretty good.”
Naturally, Pei Tingsong didn’t believe him.
He had already learned from the bodyguard that Fang Juexia hadn’t closed his eyes all night, and had watched Fang Ping go crazy for the entire night. He didn’t dare even imagine Fang Juexia’s mood at the moment. He just wanted to coax him and take him far away from this scum.
“Juexia, will you go back with me first?” His voice was very light, and he raised his hand to touch Fang Juexia’s cheek. “Let’s rest and sleep for a bit. I’ll have professionals deal with this matter, don’t worry about it.”
“Sleep?” Fang Juexia seemed to have only heard a few words, and his eyes were confused. He shook his head. “I don’t want to sleep here, it’s too dirty.”
“I know.” Pei Tingsong rubbed his hand. “Let’s go back, go back to my place, okay?”
Fang Juexia nodded slightly.
In order to facilitate an interrogation, Pei Tingsong had directly arranged a suite in his high-end apartment building. This made it very easy to go back to his place, but it was very difficult to placate Fang Juexia.
Fang Juexia was dizzy and uncomfortable. As soon as he entered the apartment, he unconsciously walked to the empty living room. The muggy air left behind by the rain rushed into his nose, clogging up his breath and thoughts, making him uncomfortable, rendering him unable of rational thought. Even Pei Tingsong’s voice seemed to come from a distance, travelling through the patter of the rain, sounding very vague and very powerless.
He felt his hand being pulled by Pei Tingsong, felt himself being taken by him towards a room, and all the while he was in a sensitive and slow state.
He said he wanted to take a bath. Pei Tingsong wasn’t at ease with this but couldn’t dissuade him. He could only agree and start running hot water into the bathtub. Fang Juexia took off his top with his back to him, and covering the back of his waist was one giant bruise.
Pei Tingsong’s fists clenched up tight.
Hot water saved his life as it melted the ice frozen on him little by little. Fang Juexia leaned on one side of the bathtub, staring up at the ceiling, which allowed Pei Tingsong to carefully clean the wound on his forehead. When taking a bath, Fang Juexia didn’t say a word, as if he was thinking about something, or was just in a daze.
The only time he spoke was when he told Pei Tingsong to leave. He wanted to wash up by himself.
Pei Tingsong could only go out and leave a set of clothes out for him to change into after the bath. He was guarding the closed bathroom door from outside, his heart hanging.
He regretted returning to the United States at this time, regretted that he hadn’t been with Fang Juexia from the first moment of this encounter. But he also was very clear on the fact that even if he was here, what could he have done.
He would have just ended up watching Fang Juexia’s nightmare happen again with his own eyes, that’s all.
This person had been willing to be with him only after overcoming all difficulties. Pei Tingsong had finally, with great difficulty, convinced him to try and see, and had persuaded him to come out of the shadows to leave behind the distrust of love created by his own father, and to fall into his own arms.
Now, would he regret it?
When the bathroom door opened, Fang Juexia came out barefoot wearing Pei Tingsong’s pajamas. He came to Pei Tingsong’s bed carrying hot and humid water vapor around himself. He very deliberately lay on the bed and didn’t let Pei Tingsong urge him any more.
“Then you rest.” Pei Tingsong tucked him in, lowered his eyes and lowered his voice. “Call me if you need anything.”
Just as he was about to turn around, Fang Juexia sat up and grabbed his hand, his eyes turning red.
“You’re back, but you haven’t hugged me yet.”
At the moment he heard that, Pei Tingsong suddenly realized that he really was an asshole. He kept saying that he liked Fang Juexia, but he had no confidence in him.
He was too worried about whether he could keep his favor, being fragile to the point where if he heard Fang Juexia say one “no”, he would collapse.
Pei Tingsong held Fang Juexia in his arms. His nose stung, and he tried to hold back his tears. “I’m sorry.”
Fang Juexia didn’t understand his apology, so he didn’t respond. He just raised his hand and hugged him back, saying with a gentle voice, “You also didn’t answer my question, how are things over there?”
Pei Tingsong shook his head, rubbed the back of his neck, and kissed the top of his hair. “It’s fine.”
“That’s good.” Fang Juexia shrank in his arms and closed his eyes.
They were just two injured animals, and when they bled, their temperatures lowered, so they had no choice but to embrace each other and survive by using each other’s warmth.
Fang Juexia was used to managing his emotions year in and year out, and he was used to overpowering his sensibility with reason, so he couldn’t even be hysterical when he was in pain. All of his bloody and mangled memories and emotions were always separated from him by a piece of ground glass, so they never came in complete or direct contact with his reality.
“You know, sometimes I feel like I’m very dark, too. When I knew that the man who followed and attacked me in the parking lot was him, guess what my first reaction was?”
Fang Juexia tried to keep his voice steady. “I wanted my mom to come here immediately and see for herself what kind of person she has been waiting for for so many years.”
Pei Tingsong could hear the despair in his heart.
“I stayed with him all night, listening to him go crazy, listening to him curse out me and my mom. Every time, after a while, that idea would pop up in my heart. I even wanted to record him being like this, or take a picture of the steel rod he was going to smash into my head, and send it all to my mom, so that she can wake up a bit and end her fantasy once and for all.”
His emotions, which had been fermenting all this time, finally ripened in Pei Tingsong’s arms and was now on the verge of erupting.
“Every time I wanted to do this, I thought of my mom sitting at the table looking at the door. No matter how sad she was, her face was always full of hope. Just like…”
Just like she was waiting for spring every year.
He didn’t know what would happen to her if he told her that there would be no spring in the days to come.
Thinking of this, Fang Juexia’s tears finally poured down, one big drop falling after another, like stones that couldn’t bear their weight anymore, so they rolled down the iceberg.
This was Pei Tingsong’s first time really seeing Fang Juexia cry ever since he had met him. He wasn’t crying for himself, but for his mother’s lost love. A once happily-ever-after story had eventually become a shackle leading to a life-long probation.
But even if it was a probation, Fang Juexia still couldn’t bear to break his mother’s fantasy.
Probation was at least better than immediate execution.
Pei Tingsong stroked Fang Juexia’s cheek and gently kissed away the tears on his face.
Fang Juexia looked at him. “What do you say? Letting her continue waiting for a lover who already no longer exists, isn’t that…isn’t that cruel?”
“We won’t tell her, we won’t say anything to her.” Pei Tingsong touched his forehead and said, “I will send him to the place where he should go. I won’t let him appear in front of you again, and I won’t let him hurt you again.”
For the first time, he had learned to love someone. For the first time, he had desires of soul and flesh. For the first time, he had learned to give up his resistance, and it was also the first time that he tasted what it was like to feel heartache for others.
But while he would rather not have such an experience, he also wanted to make Fang Juexia feel better.
“He wasn’t like that in the past; he also had times when he protected me.”
Fang Juexia’s body trembled in his arms. “He also used to be like this, hugging me and taking me to the training room so that I could watch him practice basic skills and watch him dance. My mama said that when I was a few months old, I cried a lot. I had to be held by someone every day before I would fall asleep, so he stayed up all night, holding me in his arms and humming his dance music to me. He also boasted that I was the most good-looking child in the world, and he would watch me all night when I had a fever. On the waters of the Pearl River, on that cruise ship, he would let me sit on his shoulders as the river wind blew all around me.”
These were not fake memories, he really had experienced a father’s love once.
“Before he fell down, before I knew about my night-blindness, he said…”
He took a deep breath. “He said my mama and I were the people he loved the most, and he said I was his pride.
“But in fact, compared to his own pride, I’m nothing, right?”
Pei Tingsong stroked his hair. “No, Fang Juexia, you are the best and most precious person in the world.
“You have to remember that failure, alcohol, and drugs, these things have all long corrupted him. He is no longer a normal person. No matter what spiteful words he says, they’re all wrong. Don’t listen to them.”
That’s right. Fang Juexia recited Pei Tingsong’s words in his heart.
He wasn’t a normal person, and all the “missing you” he had uttered were lies.
Reuniting after many years apart, Fang Ping still gave him nothing but bruises and wounds.
Fang Juexia lay down in Pei Tingsong’s arms and felt his hands caressing his hair and back.
Pei Tingsong could feel Fang Juexia’s inner turmoil. It was very mysterious, but he could just feel it. He had been unable to make a decision for so many years, which was why he was suffering so much now. And whenever he saw his father again and suffered from his abuse again, Fang Juexia would be in a lot of personal pain.
“Is your heart still troubled? Your father when you were a child, versus the him you met now.”
Fang Juexia couldn’t deny it.
He had continuously persuaded himself, just like his mother, that the man in front of him now wasn’t the person he had been before. The best choice was to let him fend for himself. However, his heart was still in a lot of pain, especially when dreaming of the past, dreaming of when he had been held in his father’s arms and had seen the stage for the first time.
Every time he woke up, his face was wet with tears.
Pei Tingsong understood his silence. “Everyone in this world is changing all the time, because of various reasons and under various circumstances. Even if we accept this kind of change, it is very difficult to judge whether this person is still the original one or not.”
Speaking of this, he rubbed Fang Juexia’s cheek and asked softly, “Have you ever heard the story of The Ship of Theseus?”
Fang Juexia shook his head as he reigned in his emotions. “It’s another philosophical paradox?”
“You guessed it.” Pei Tingsong held his hand. “This is a very old thought experiment. Suppose there is a ship, and as long as people keep repairing and replacing its parts, it can always keep sailing. Whenever any part of the deck rots, or any part of the canvas is damaged, it will be replaced with a new one. In this way, hundreds of years later, the Ship of Theseus will no longer have any of its original parts. Then, is it still the original one?”
Fang Juexia considered it, and two answers debated in his mind. With the continuous replacement of parts and renewal of the ship, it had already lost any parts belonging to the past, and then everything of the past ship.
But all of these were gradually lost, and it had not been changed directly into a new ship. It was still called Theseus, and still sailed like before on the seas all the time.
After serious consideration, Fang Juexia opened his mouth and tried to give his own answer, “This question depends on how we define this ship, right?”
Pei Tingsong nodded and got closer. The tip of his nose touched Fang Juexia’s. “Juexia, do you remember? You actually already have a definition.
“You said that the essence of a person is the self he tries the hardest to preserve.”
Fang Juexia nodded, and tears brimmed up in his eyes, as he awakened to the truth after his painful struggle.
Fang Ping had long ago lost the self he had once tried so hard to preserve.
He tried to tell Pei Tingsong his answer, “So… He’s already not the him from before.”
He was also no longer that father who had once whole-heartedly loved him.
Pei Tingsong knew this kind of pain because he had also experienced it. It was really hard to admit that his parents didn’t love him, but illusory delusions would only hurt him.
“Just let the ship from the past stay in your heart. It has no material form, it will always exist and never change.”
The tears he had held back fell once again. Yes, in any case, he had to admit that his father, the one from before, had long disappeared, and he had actually disappeared from the moment when he could no longer stand up after falling on the stage.
That fall had smashed his ‘self’ completely, so much so that he couldn’t save it at all.
It was really hard for Fang Juexia to admit to himself that he was no longer loved. For so many years, he had been avoiding it and had been unwilling to face it, so much so that his father who loved him in the past and this madman now overlapped into a single shadow, which caused him to be more afraid when he walked in the already frightening darkness.
He was afraid that he would lose control and be swallowed up by this shadow, so he would try his best to keep his senses about him and remain clear-headed at every moment. This kind of fear made him reject being loved by others while also refusing to love others.
Because he didn’t want to create any more nightmares for himself.
Pei Tingsong’s face was close at hand, and they were right next to each other. Fang Juexia finally came out of that paranoid “clear-headedness”, and really woke up this time.
He admitted that he was wrong.
When surrounded by malice, he subconsciously thought that what he needed was a Sudoku book, in order to roughly divert his attention and emotions through logical reasoning. Only now did he discover how crude this form of emotional distraction was.
He just needed love, that was all.
Fang Juexia never thought that the cocoon he had woven to shield himself from his pain for so many years would be so easily untied by Pei Tingsong. Even just a few moments ago, he had almost subconsciously pushed Pei Tingsong away. He thought he could digest this disaster himself.
It suddenly occurred to him that when he had just laid on the bed, Pei Tingsong’s eyes had looked lost. It seemed that he had wanted to leave Fang Juexia quietly alone.
Fang Juexia changed his perspective. Maybe, Pei Tingsong was afraid that after seeing Fang Ping’s bleak appearance, he would regret throwing himself into a love affair with him ba.
If it was the him from before, he might have done so. Because he was too scared.
“Tingsong.” Fang Juexia spoke softly and called out his name, “Thank you.”
Pei Tingsong smiled and felt that his heartache had been relieved a lot. It should be him who should thank Fang Juexia, since he was the one who had saved him.
“I know there are many, many failed cases in the world.” Fang Juexia raised his hand and lightly put it on Pei Tingsong’s cheek. The rain outside the window seemed to have grown a bit softer, and the sound also grew softer.
“But I have never doubted the existence of true love.” Fang Juexia’s eyes were firm, and his eyebrows were raised. It was as if he was saying— Look, Fang Juexia is once again talking about that “existence” that makes your head hurt.
And Pei Tingsong’s heart indeed convulsed because of his “existence”.
“Besides, I’m also changing. I’m also trying to calculate the probability of success right now, really.” Fang Juexia knew that his head was a bit muddled right now, but he hoped that Pei Tingsong could understand his heart. “So don’t be afraid that I will give up, I’m not a coward.”
“En, I know you’re very brave.” Pei Tingsong kissed him on the tip of his nose extremely gently. “It was me who was worried about losing your favor, I’m the one who’s changed.”
In the past, Pei Tingsong was confident about everything, and it seemed that there was no place he could not go to or anything he couldn’t do in the world. He could easily step into many forests and live all the kinds of life he wanted to. He was free and fearless.
Until he fell in love with Fang Juexia.
His perversity was wrapped by Fang Juexia’s tenderness, and he finally realized what it was like to be afraid of losing something. Now, he was already rendered incapable of fighting for the probability of success on every little thing, and he had begun to think about the consequences of failure.
Pei Tingsong was really very scared that Fang Juexia would one day tell him—I picked the wrong point, and you are still an irrational number.
Even though he had clearly just cried, Fang Juexia looked at Pei Tingsong’s upset face right now and smiled unconsciously. It was his first smile ever since he had laid eyes on Fang Ping.
“We’re becoming more and more alike, how strange.”
Looking at him was like looking at himself, the opposition and unity of symbiosis caught in a mirror image.
Pei Tingsong hugged him tightly and kissed the side of his neck.
“It’s not strange. We are two Ships of Theseus sailing on the sea. We met by accident and became afraid of separating, so you gave me your parts, and I gave you my parts. We are no longer what we used to be.
“We became each other.”
