Why am I like this?
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Bewildered by the phenomenon he experienced for the first time in life, Renato pressed his hand against his chest. He deeply inhaled and exhaled, trying to calm down, but the pounding in his chest only intensified. It was as if his whole body had turned into a heart.
“Aah.”
Renato groaned, feeling his cheeks burn as if on fire. His racing heart made his face, which still had remnants of excitement, heat up again. The most stressful thing was that he kept thinking about Maryam’s words.
Do I like Khalid?
Rubbing his face, Renato asked himself a question. He didn’t mean to deny that he liked the man. To him, Khalid was the only person he could rely on mentally now that he had returned to the past.
Because of that, he felt safe and confident that he could do anything whenever he was with the man. If it hadn’t been for Khalid, he would have found it harder to dream of a future different from the past.
The difficult hypnosis treatment was also possible because Khalid was by his side. Khalid brought Renato to reality whenever he struggled with his painful memories.
‘It’s okay, it’s not real, so please calm down.’
‘Please breathe…… Slowly.’
‘You did bleed, but you have gotten better now, and you didn’t die. Look, you are fine now, right? Hmm?’
The arms that hugged and comforted his body struggling with pain and the terrible past, the voice that constantly whispered it was okay and it wasn’t real, the warmth that continued to transmit to him until he found stability…… Renato thought he would have given up on treatment sooner had it not been for Khalid’s help.
‘I already promised, right? I will not ask you anything, Your Imperial Highness.’
‘Please tell me if you can trust me more later. Meanwhile, I will do my best to earn your trust, Your Imperial Highness.’
Even though Khalid must have felt something strange, he stayed by his side without expressing it. Rather, he said he would wait until Renato was ready to say everything. The man also seemed to have told Souad something else separately. As a result, Renato could strengthen his resolve to continue receiving hypnosis treatment.
So he wanted to repay the man at least a bit. Out of guilt that Khalid was caught up in an unrelated fight because of him, out of gratitude that the man was always his strength, Renato wanted to help him to be fairly recognized by everyone.
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Then Khalid told him not to force himself and that he didn’t have to sacrifice, but Renato didn’t think so. Because it was really something he wanted to do.
Above all, what he had received from Khalid throughout his previous and present life could never be converted into monetary value. In his previous life, the man was the hope making him continue to live, and in his present life, the man was the person letting him dream about the future.
It was inevitable that he wanted to do something for Khalid, who was a strong supporter in both of his lives. Even when giving, he still felt it was not enough.
I definitely like Khalid.
Renato didn’t doubt his favorable feelings toward Khalid. But the meaning of Maryam’s words was not just affection, but a deeper emotion. She thought Renato was in love with Khalid.
Love.
Thinking about that word made his heart throb once more. Renato bit his lips with a bewildered expression. Back then, Maryam said she was just saying what she felt. This meant that in Maryam’s eyes, it looked like Renato was in love with Khalid.
It wasn’t just Maryam. When he recalled, Arche and the Louis siblings also often said they were glad because he had a good relationship with Khalid. Trudy was also inwardly jealous.
Sometimes, others can see you more accurately than yourself doing it. If not just one person, but several people said the same thing, it was highly likely to be the truth.
Do I love Khalid?
Renato asked himself a different question than before. But he couldn’t come up with an answer. He gulped, feeling himself engulfed in a strange restlessness. He just changed from ‘like’ to ‘love’, but his mouth was strangely dry and his heart trembled uncontrollably. Just like someone who was afraid to know the truth.
In the end, unable to find an answer, Renato closed his eyes, turning away from the thumping sound of his heartbeat and Maryam’s voice buzzing in his ears. He needed to calm down before Khalid returned, but it didn’t seem like the heat would ever subside.
* * *
“Haa.”
When a heavy sigh came out, the bathtub full of water swayed. Renato blankly stared at the water droplets falling from his hair, creating circular ripples here and there. His face reflected in the swaying water was pathetic. Sighing again, he scooped up water with his hands to wash his face. He had lost count of how many times he did that.
“I have to come out now……”
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Renato muttered helplessly, slowly getting up. The water hot enough for white steam to rise when he came in had cooled down before he could realize. It meant he had been sitting in the bathtub for that long. If he stayed here any longer, maybe Khalid would come in to see what was going on.
“Ah.”
Wiping himself with the prepared towel, Renato slightly groaned when feeling a pain in his neck. When he raised his head to check in the mirror, he saw clear teeth marks and red kiss marks on his neck below his earlobe. They were the traces that Khalid left a while ago.
“Ugh.”
Looking at himself in his mirror, Renato softly bit his lower lip. He quietly raised his hand to touch the teeth marks on his body. The traces that evoked peculiar memories just by looking at them gave rise to embarrassment and shame, but also a strange sense of pride.
“What should I do……”
Huu, Renato sighed once more, thinking of Khalid who would be waiting for him to come out. Throughout the meal, he couldn’t look at Khalid’s face properly. He didn’t even know what state of mind he was eating in.
After returning to the bedroom, he quickly ran to the bathroom. Anyone could have told that he seemed to be afraid of something. The quick-witted Khalid would have noticed he was in a strange state.
That thought made him even more reluctant to go out of the bathroom. But he couldn’t escape somewhere, either. During their stay in the kingdom, Khalid and Renato shared a bedroom and lived together. He couldn’t possibly avoid the man.
“Are you still bathing?”
“……No! I’m coming out now!”
Not surprisingly, Khalid, worried when Renato didn’t leave the bathroom, knocked on the door and called him.
“It’ll be fine, right? It’ll be fine.”
Renato took a deep breath, muttering to himself as if casting a spell. But it didn’t have any significant effect. He grabbed the doorknob with an unconfident face.
“You took a long bath today.”
“Uhm, it somehow happened……”
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Seeing Khalid as soon as he opened the door, Renato trailed off his words and dropped his gaze. His head kept dropping down.
“Are you worried about anything?”
“……No.”
Khalid squinted his eyes as Renato answered without looking at him. He also thought something was weird from dinner, but this made it clear. Renato was overly conscious of him. The reason, could it be……
“Did you perhaps hate what happened earlier? Did you feel bad?”
“Pardon?”
“Because I forced you……”
“N, not at all! That’s what I wanted to do!”
Renato raised his head in surprise at Khalid’s words. He hurriedly waved his hand, but when his eyes met with Khalid’s, he secretly avoided his gaze again. His small ears protruding from his still wet silver hair were unusually red.
“Then why do you keep avoiding my eyes?”
“Uhm, I just feel a bit embarrassed……”
Renato faintly mumbled in response to Khalid’s question. How can I say that looking straight at you makes my heart pound and unable to keep my composure?
“Maybe it’s because I’m not used to doing things like that with your highness yet.”
“……I see.”
Khalid didn’t like that answer but didn’t question anymore. Renato was nervous and overly conscious of him like a terrified rabbit, so he couldn’t keep cornering him.
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“Then should we go to sleep?”
Choosing to step back, Khalid turned around and headed for the bed first. Renato hesitantly followed behind him. Then suddenly thinking of something, he exclaimed ‘Ah’.
“Please, please wait a bit.”
“Uhm?”
“I didn’t think of it before, but I also have a gift for you……”
“For me?”
“Yes.”
Renato nervously nodded. He forgot about it because of the intense physical contact between them a while ago and the agony immediately occurring after that, but he was originally going to give Khalid his prepared wedding gift today.
“This……”
Renato quickly approached the nightstand next to the bed, opened the drawer, and took out the velvet box. It was the case with the sword ornament that he had been anxious about when he could give to Khalid for the past few days.
“What is this?”
“This is the wedding gift I have prepared.”
“……Wedding gift?”
Khalid’s eyes widened as he heard the item’s unexpected identity. He opened his mouth with a look of bewilderment.
“Wasn’t it decided that our wedding gifts would be bestowed by His Majesty the Emperor?”
“That’s true, but…… I still want to give you one. It’s nothing much, so please don’t feel burdened. It’s just, uhm, please open it first.”
Renato, who was about to explain the sword ornament, stuttered with a startled face before gesturing to the man to see it for himself.
Why am I like this?
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Bewildered by the phenomenon he experienced for the first time in life, Renato pressed his hand against his chest. He deeply inhaled and exhaled, trying to calm down, but the pounding in his chest only intensified. It was as if his whole body had turned into a heart.
“Aah.”
Renato groaned, feeling his cheeks burn as if on fire. His racing heart made his face, which still had remnants of excitement, heat up again. The most stressful thing was that he kept thinking about Maryam’s words.
Do I like Khalid?
Rubbing his face, Renato asked himself a question. He didn’t mean to deny that he liked the man. To him, Khalid was the only person he could rely on mentally now that he had returned to the past.
Because of that, he felt safe and confident that he could do anything whenever he was with the man. If it hadn’t been for Khalid, he would have found it harder to dream of a future different from the past.
The difficult hypnosis treatment was also possible because Khalid was by his side. Khalid brought Renato to reality whenever he struggled with his painful memories.
‘It’s okay, it’s not real, so please calm down.’
‘Please breathe…… Slowly.’
‘You did bleed, but you have gotten better now, and you didn’t die. Look, you are fine now, right? Hmm?’
The arms that hugged and comforted his body struggling with pain and the terrible past, the voice that constantly whispered it was okay and it wasn’t real, the warmth that continued to transmit to him until he found stability…… Renato thought he would have given up on treatment sooner had it not been for Khalid’s help.
‘I already promised, right? I will not ask you anything, Your Imperial Highness.’
‘Please tell me if you can trust me more later. Meanwhile, I will do my best to earn your trust, Your Imperial Highness.’
Even though Khalid must have felt something strange, he stayed by his side without expressing it. Rather, he said he would wait until Renato was ready to say everything. The man also seemed to have told Souad something else separately. As a result, Renato could strengthen his resolve to continue receiving hypnosis treatment.
So he wanted to repay the man at least a bit. Out of guilt that Khalid was caught up in an unrelated fight because of him, out of gratitude that the man was always his strength, Renato wanted to help him to be fairly recognized by everyone.
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Then Khalid told him not to force himself and that he didn’t have to sacrifice, but Renato didn’t think so. Because it was really something he wanted to do.
Above all, what he had received from Khalid throughout his previous and present life could never be converted into monetary value. In his previous life, the man was the hope making him continue to live, and in his present life, the man was the person letting him dream about the future.
It was inevitable that he wanted to do something for Khalid, who was a strong supporter in both of his lives. Even when giving, he still felt it was not enough.
I definitely like Khalid.
Renato didn’t doubt his favorable feelings toward Khalid. But the meaning of Maryam’s words was not just affection, but a deeper emotion. She thought Renato was in love with Khalid.
Love.
Thinking about that word made his heart throb once more. Renato bit his lips with a bewildered expression. Back then, Maryam said she was just saying what she felt. This meant that in Maryam’s eyes, it looked like Renato was in love with Khalid.
It wasn’t just Maryam. When he recalled, Arche and the Louis siblings also often said they were glad because he had a good relationship with Khalid. Trudy was also inwardly jealous.
Sometimes, others can see you more accurately than yourself doing it. If not just one person, but several people said the same thing, it was highly likely to be the truth.
Do I love Khalid?
Renato asked himself a different question than before. But he couldn’t come up with an answer. He gulped, feeling himself engulfed in a strange restlessness. He just changed from ‘like’ to ‘love’, but his mouth was strangely dry and his heart trembled uncontrollably. Just like someone who was afraid to know the truth.
In the end, unable to find an answer, Renato closed his eyes, turning away from the thumping sound of his heartbeat and Maryam’s voice buzzing in his ears. He needed to calm down before Khalid returned, but it didn’t seem like the heat would ever subside.
* * *
“Haa.”
When a heavy sigh came out, the bathtub full of water swayed. Renato blankly stared at the water droplets falling from his hair, creating circular ripples here and there. His face reflected in the swaying water was pathetic. Sighing again, he scooped up water with his hands to wash his face. He had lost count of how many times he did that.
“I have to come out now……”
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Renato muttered helplessly, slowly getting up. The water hot enough for white steam to rise when he came in had cooled down before he could realize. It meant he had been sitting in the bathtub for that long. If he stayed here any longer, maybe Khalid would come in to see what was going on.
“Ah.”
Wiping himself with the prepared towel, Renato slightly groaned when feeling a pain in his neck. When he raised his head to check in the mirror, he saw clear teeth marks and red kiss marks on his neck below his earlobe. They were the traces that Khalid left a while ago.
“Ugh.”
Looking at himself in his mirror, Renato softly bit his lower lip. He quietly raised his hand to touch the teeth marks on his body. The traces that evoked peculiar memories just by looking at them gave rise to embarrassment and shame, but also a strange sense of pride.
“What should I do……”
Huu, Renato sighed once more, thinking of Khalid who would be waiting for him to come out. Throughout the meal, he couldn’t look at Khalid’s face properly. He didn’t even know what state of mind he was eating in.
After returning to the bedroom, he quickly ran to the bathroom. Anyone could have told that he seemed to be afraid of something. The quick-witted Khalid would have noticed he was in a strange state.
That thought made him even more reluctant to go out of the bathroom. But he couldn’t escape somewhere, either. During their stay in the kingdom, Khalid and Renato shared a bedroom and lived together. He couldn’t possibly avoid the man.
“Are you still bathing?”
“……No! I’m coming out now!”
Not surprisingly, Khalid, worried when Renato didn’t leave the bathroom, knocked on the door and called him.
“It’ll be fine, right? It’ll be fine.”
Renato took a deep breath, muttering to himself as if casting a spell. But it didn’t have any significant effect. He grabbed the doorknob with an unconfident face.
“You took a long bath today.”
“Uhm, it somehow happened……”
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Seeing Khalid as soon as he opened the door, Renato trailed off his words and dropped his gaze. His head kept dropping down.
“Are you worried about anything?”
“……No.”
Khalid squinted his eyes as Renato answered without looking at him. He also thought something was weird from dinner, but this made it clear. Renato was overly conscious of him. The reason, could it be……
“Did you perhaps hate what happened earlier? Did you feel bad?”
“Pardon?”
“Because I forced you……”
“N, not at all! That’s what I wanted to do!”
Renato raised his head in surprise at Khalid’s words. He hurriedly waved his hand, but when his eyes met with Khalid’s, he secretly avoided his gaze again. His small ears protruding from his still wet silver hair were unusually red.
“Then why do you keep avoiding my eyes?”
“Uhm, I just feel a bit embarrassed……”
Renato faintly mumbled in response to Khalid’s question. How can I say that looking straight at you makes my heart pound and unable to keep my composure?
“Maybe it’s because I’m not used to doing things like that with your highness yet.”
“……I see.”
Khalid didn’t like that answer but didn’t question anymore. Renato was nervous and overly conscious of him like a terrified rabbit, so he couldn’t keep cornering him.
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“Then should we go to sleep?”
Choosing to step back, Khalid turned around and headed for the bed first. Renato hesitantly followed behind him. Then suddenly thinking of something, he exclaimed ‘Ah’.
“Please, please wait a bit.”
“Uhm?”
“I didn’t think of it before, but I also have a gift for you……”
“For me?”
“Yes.”
Renato nervously nodded. He forgot about it because of the intense physical contact between them a while ago and the agony immediately occurring after that, but he was originally going to give Khalid his prepared wedding gift today.
“This……”
Renato quickly approached the nightstand next to the bed, opened the drawer, and took out the velvet box. It was the case with the sword ornament that he had been anxious about when he could give to Khalid for the past few days.
“What is this?”
“This is the wedding gift I have prepared.”
“……Wedding gift?”
Khalid’s eyes widened as he heard the item’s unexpected identity. He opened his mouth with a look of bewilderment.
“Wasn’t it decided that our wedding gifts would be bestowed by His Majesty the Emperor?”
“That’s true, but…… I still want to give you one. It’s nothing much, so please don’t feel burdened. It’s just, uhm, please open it first.”
Renato, who was about to explain the sword ornament, stuttered with a startled face before gesturing to the man to see it for himself.
