Natalya waited until noon before he came down. She saw a defeated expression, no, an empty one on Mavin as he walked down the stairs. His movements were mechanical, stiff, and there were feelings of loss.
Mimi had already left the house. She was alone sipping a brand of whiskey that she had asked Mimi about. It was a taste she was fond of.
“You made a mess of things...and me.”
Her words made him freeze. He swiveled his head to look at her. There was guilt? And there was something vulnerable in him that made her shiver. Was this the same person who had not wavered for a moment?
Then his expression lightened up. He ate his bowl of leftovers and squatted on the same couch. He took the whiskey on the table and took a sip.
“I wasn’t...really planning to. I...I’ll take responsibility if something happens.”
“What?”
She looked down. “We...we seem to be a mess.”
“More than we thought would be.”
“You know,” she looked at the liquid inside the bottle. “I really did want to just fly. Saw those planes raining down hellfire? I had days where I wished I was flying one. Don’t you have dreams like that?”
“I had, but that had been recently achieved.”
“Is that even your dream? Your dream?”
“No, of course not. My dream is silly,” Mavin said. “I am not a fool. You’ve been told? I think Old Fred would have told you by now. He is fond of you and he probably thinks that this is ‘heaven-sent’ that the Emperor wedded me to you. Always nagging, that at my age, especially now that I survived the war, I should get someone who could be my partner.”
“To drop a sun onto the nest of demifiends. That’s what he told of me. It took me for a while to understand what it meant. Was this planned?”
“It is. I’ve been trying to remove them. You know, I thought to myself that it was because of some long-term plan. That I was born to protect the Empire. I was lying to myself. You felt that power? The splitting of an atom, creating enough explosion to finish off an entire nest. It wouldn’t work if they were hidden inside their nest. To win I need to cut off every tunnel and every vein that the nest has. Dropping the bombs on top of the nest will make them desperate, they’ll dig, retreat, and make sure that they will survive. So you gotta make noise on top of their nest, attract them, and when the attackers reach the middle or upper layer. The bombs that are on them would do the trick. To find people who would die for you. I found them at their lowest, and I made them strong. I asked them if they wanted to back out, and you know why they didn’t?”
Natalya listened.
Mavin exhaled. “They trusted me that they could die fighting them. They aren’t dumb people, they know that I saw them as tools for my schemes. Robert, I think he knows that they weren’t going to die fighting them and when they die the bomb triggers. I made it so that when the hammer hits, they would not even know that they died.”
“So it was all for revenge?”
“Of course it was. I felt great at first, seeing that bomb, but now I feel empty. Am I happy that I had obliterated the nest? I am, I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life. Oh, don’t give me that look.”
“What look?”
He snorted, “Killing the nest wouldn’t bring my family back. It wasn’t the demifiends in the nest who killed them, I already made them dead. I made sure of it. I didn’t leave any of the species that were responsible for them. I did all of this because I was mad. I wanted them gone, and I made it an excuse to do all of this. That only by taking that nest out could I finally let go.”
“Have you let go?”
“I don’t know. I think I have already let go. I’ve been thinking about what I should do. There is more to do after this, but I thought to myself that there was no point. I did what I wanted to do and if there were any obstacles, I would not hesitate to keep pushing on. Well, now that I have done it, I don’t know what to do. I could worry about my friends and their relationships, but I realized that they were not so easy to become tools. If I hadn’t done anything, I think they could have accomplished more.”
“You have done something that the Magnar-Azia Continent had wished for decades.”
“Not for them, never for them. I just wanted to kill the demifiends. If helping the Imperial Family come close to that dream, then I was fine with it. I couldn’t care if there was any internal struggle or they were planning to get rid of this city in war. But if they were in my way, I would have cleared the board. I did all of this because I wanted something done.”
“At this point you make it look like you’re bragging.”
“Perhaps, but without the power and authority, and the connections. I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Not a single damn thing can be done alone. I need the people, the materials, and the ability to solve the problem. Idealism only works when you have the power to lift islands and split mountains with a single stroke. I gathered enough boons and the price...the price will soon...well, let’s just say that it would soon come and haunt me back. Anyway, I did all of this for the sake of this one goal.”
“And now that your goal is gone...you feel so helpless about it.”
“Indeed, I feel lost without purpose. I have no desire other than this.”
“Is that all?”
“Of course not,” Mavin laughed, taking another shot. “You must at least understand what it means to have that kind of power. Right now there are only three groups who hold that power, and that is Holmia, Athesia, and Lazon. The nobles are now afraid that the Emperor himself has held the power to crush any nation he desired. They would lick his boots until it was polished and cleaned. The enemies of the Empire, Holmia, and even my Greater Lazon would come seeking out for friendship. A great weapon comes with great fear, and a weapon that could bring out a sun is a weapon that even the Nullers and the Magi fear.”
“The Nullers...they’ll be gathering people.”
“They would come to try and destroy traces of the weapon. They wouldn’t reveal themselves, and perhaps they’ll seek out ways to make sure that this weapon could not be used. If they don’t get their way then they’ll try to start something. The Magi...they don’t care, they are rational, smart, and they are well-organized than the Nullers who are too inept to understand that they no longer have the superiority that they used to have.”
“You’ve really done well.”
“I did.”
“Yet here you are acting so defeated.”
“I am. What’s so wrong about it?”
“I don’t like this. This look on you.”
Mavin didn’t answer. Natalya took a sip of her drink. “I told you that you’re mine. I won’t let you die, I won’t let you leave me. Do you not understand that?”
“I don’t understand. I’ve treated you so badly. I have done you a disservice.”
Mavin placed a hand on Natalya’s silver arm.
“Do you think I’m bothered by that? Do you know that I did much worse things? You seem to know well of my gift and curse. I told you of my visions, did you not?”
“Yes, I am aware of your visions.”
“Do you know that every single time you always saved me?”
Mavin kept silent.”
“It’s like you always wanted to die. I hate how you could easily throw your life away for someone. You couldn’t care less about who you offer that life, the worst part is that you keep dying in front of me. Always in front of me again and again. Hey, do you hate me so much that you’d show your dying face?”
“You really have that ability...huh. Then why?”
“No, you answer me right now. I am done not telling the truth and avoiding this. You always try to keep this talk from happening, but right now I demand that you answer me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Mavin said straightly. “Even if I did tell you, it would be a lie because I admire you from the bottom of my heart. When I saw you on the train, and when you wore that lovely dress. I thought to myself that you were a stunning woman.”
“Eh?”
“What? Honestly, if you haven’t said that I shot you, and did this and that. If I didn’t know or sense that you’ll have that power….who knows?”
“Really?”
“Why would you think that I would spend the last moments of my life looking at you?”
“This is new to me.”
“What?”
“You, saying this.”
“It’s my instincts that told me to never trust you. Because you are born to become an Imperator, a dominator, you would rule the most powerful people in this world. Natalya, believe me when I say that I am only an extra, and you...you can flatten me if you have the determination.”
“I can. The visions told me that I can.”
“See? You are the strongest person in this world. There are only a few who could stop you if you make the right moves. That’s why I don’t understand why you would be so willing to give up that power. Ah, maybe you are tired of the vision? Is this all about why you are drinking?”
“No...it’s...ah...I feel tired suddenly. I spent too much time drowning in visions...realities...if it keeps happening then I would rather have my arm cut.”
Mavin stared blankly. “Can you...tell me what you had done to me in these visions?”
Natalya felt a pin drop. But she thought to himself that she would be truthful today. She could not stand this defeated look that he had. She hated how he was acting despite all that she had seen.
So she told him of her experiences.
Maybe it was the fact that she had given up on trying to hide what was kept inside. Natalya blamed the alcohol for her loose lips. She wanted to blame how she had to act miserable in order to feel the misery that he was feeling.
She spent the afternoon talking about what she had done. When the evening came, and when the wind became colder. Natalya found herself leaning on Mavin while holding a bottle. There were many bottles on the table, and the stink of alcohol permeated the living room.
“Cruel...but...expected of you.”
“Hah, please be angry.”
“You were desperate. I understand that, but personally it didn’t happen to me.”
“Lucky you then,” Natalya snorted. “That you didn’t experience what I saw.”
“Lucky me, so that’s why you wanted to stop me. You’re afraid that you might repeat again. The boons, no, the ritual that I did would keep you from doing that. There might be a method to restore your point of origin, but at the moment it is impossible. I guarantee you that even if you do kill me now. You won't go back.”
“I am not killing you.”
“How unfortunate. Here I was ruining myself because I had achieved my goal. To think that you could have hindered me if you had chosen to.”
“That’s right, you should be glad that I didn’t have the heart to follow these ‘visions’.”
“I see.”
“Do you hate me now?”
“I feel like a fool. I should have known this the moment you suddenly said ‘Five million times’ to me that day.”
“I might be insane.”
“How you could retain yourself....I don’t know.”
Mavin’s face struggled to understand. But he knew now that his life was at her mercy before he had cut her arm.
Natalya was afraid of seeing him gone.
He was an anchor that kept her focused on what she wanted to achieve. As long as she could wake up and see that awful expression of his. She could go on and on. It was like a nightmare that never ended, and yet all of it could have ended if she had just let go.
She had learned so much in such repeated days. She even wonders if the warmth she felt and the pain she had right now was nothing more than an illusion.
“It’s okay,” Mavin’s voice rang. “I’m still here.”
“That you are. So...don’t leave me alone. I am a sinner and you are my warden. You should keep me in check and I’ll keep you in check. That’s your job right now, my husband.”
“And if I refuse?”
“I’ll become an Imperator for you,” she clung to him as she spoke. “I’ll destroy everything if it means I can find a way to get my crest back and repeat until the day you are alive again. So you better not do anything like that. I’ll keep you in check and you’ll make sure that you keep watching me forever, till death do us part again, husband.”
It was a horrible excuse.
A horrible one.
But Natalya knew that she was clinging to the last bits of her sanity. Perhaps it was the last bits of sanity, the goodness that she thinks she has, letting herself into this relationship that was nothing more than codependence born out of many mistakes.
No, she wanted to own him. That was the reason why she wanted to keep him by her side. It was so simple to her that she could not express it in words.
They had already consummated and now that she had given herself. She wouldn’t allow him to escape.
‘You shouldn’t have said that,’ Natalya thought, recalling how his eyes brightened at the thought of the memory of them meeting in the train and at the party in Flost City. ‘You shouldn’t have said that right now…”
There was something that snapped inside her head. There was a whirlwind of darkness inside her eyes that seemed to reflect no light. She clung to him, seemingly intoxicated, careless, and let herself go.
Finding that Mavin did not resist her advances.
She smiled and wrapped herself around him.
Then for a moment she saw deep hatred within his eyes and she pressed her face forward, extinguishing that bit that was trying to resist. It didn’t take long for the exchange to become heated, and by the time she knew it she was pinned down.
Her hands scratched his back until it bled.
Her breathing becomes ragged as the minute passes.
This won’t fix him, but she never wanted to in the first place.
Natalya waited until noon before he came down. She saw a defeated expression, no, an empty one on Mavin as he walked down the stairs. His movements were mechanical, stiff, and there were feelings of loss.
Mimi had already left the house. She was alone sipping a brand of whiskey that she had asked Mimi about. It was a taste she was fond of.
“You made a mess of things...and me.”
Her words made him freeze. He swiveled his head to look at her. There was guilt? And there was something vulnerable in him that made her shiver. Was this the same person who had not wavered for a moment?
Then his expression lightened up. He ate his bowl of leftovers and squatted on the same couch. He took the whiskey on the table and took a sip.
“I wasn’t...really planning to. I...I’ll take responsibility if something happens.”
“What?”
She looked down. “We...we seem to be a mess.”
“More than we thought would be.”
“You know,” she looked at the liquid inside the bottle. “I really did want to just fly. Saw those planes raining down hellfire? I had days where I wished I was flying one. Don’t you have dreams like that?”
“I had, but that had been recently achieved.”
“Is that even your dream? Your dream?”
“No, of course not. My dream is silly,” Mavin said. “I am not a fool. You’ve been told? I think Old Fred would have told you by now. He is fond of you and he probably thinks that this is ‘heaven-sent’ that the Emperor wedded me to you. Always nagging, that at my age, especially now that I survived the war, I should get someone who could be my partner.”
“To drop a sun onto the nest of demifiends. That’s what he told of me. It took me for a while to understand what it meant. Was this planned?”
“It is. I’ve been trying to remove them. You know, I thought to myself that it was because of some long-term plan. That I was born to protect the Empire. I was lying to myself. You felt that power? The splitting of an atom, creating enough explosion to finish off an entire nest. It wouldn’t work if they were hidden inside their nest. To win I need to cut off every tunnel and every vein that the nest has. Dropping the bombs on top of the nest will make them desperate, they’ll dig, retreat, and make sure that they will survive. So you gotta make noise on top of their nest, attract them, and when the attackers reach the middle or upper layer. The bombs that are on them would do the trick. To find people who would die for you. I found them at their lowest, and I made them strong. I asked them if they wanted to back out, and you know why they didn’t?”
Natalya listened.
Mavin exhaled. “They trusted me that they could die fighting them. They aren’t dumb people, they know that I saw them as tools for my schemes. Robert, I think he knows that they weren’t going to die fighting them and when they die the bomb triggers. I made it so that when the hammer hits, they would not even know that they died.”
“So it was all for revenge?”
“Of course it was. I felt great at first, seeing that bomb, but now I feel empty. Am I happy that I had obliterated the nest? I am, I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life. Oh, don’t give me that look.”
“What look?”
He snorted, “Killing the nest wouldn’t bring my family back. It wasn’t the demifiends in the nest who killed them, I already made them dead. I made sure of it. I didn’t leave any of the species that were responsible for them. I did all of this because I was mad. I wanted them gone, and I made it an excuse to do all of this. That only by taking that nest out could I finally let go.”
“Have you let go?”
“I don’t know. I think I have already let go. I’ve been thinking about what I should do. There is more to do after this, but I thought to myself that there was no point. I did what I wanted to do and if there were any obstacles, I would not hesitate to keep pushing on. Well, now that I have done it, I don’t know what to do. I could worry about my friends and their relationships, but I realized that they were not so easy to become tools. If I hadn’t done anything, I think they could have accomplished more.”
“You have done something that the Magnar-Azia Continent had wished for decades.”
“Not for them, never for them. I just wanted to kill the demifiends. If helping the Imperial Family come close to that dream, then I was fine with it. I couldn’t care if there was any internal struggle or they were planning to get rid of this city in war. But if they were in my way, I would have cleared the board. I did all of this because I wanted something done.”
“At this point you make it look like you’re bragging.”
“Perhaps, but without the power and authority, and the connections. I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Not a single damn thing can be done alone. I need the people, the materials, and the ability to solve the problem. Idealism only works when you have the power to lift islands and split mountains with a single stroke. I gathered enough boons and the price...the price will soon...well, let’s just say that it would soon come and haunt me back. Anyway, I did all of this for the sake of this one goal.”
“And now that your goal is gone...you feel so helpless about it.”
“Indeed, I feel lost without purpose. I have no desire other than this.”
“Is that all?”
“Of course not,” Mavin laughed, taking another shot. “You must at least understand what it means to have that kind of power. Right now there are only three groups who hold that power, and that is Holmia, Athesia, and Lazon. The nobles are now afraid that the Emperor himself has held the power to crush any nation he desired. They would lick his boots until it was polished and cleaned. The enemies of the Empire, Holmia, and even my Greater Lazon would come seeking out for friendship. A great weapon comes with great fear, and a weapon that could bring out a sun is a weapon that even the Nullers and the Magi fear.”
“The Nullers...they’ll be gathering people.”
“They would come to try and destroy traces of the weapon. They wouldn’t reveal themselves, and perhaps they’ll seek out ways to make sure that this weapon could not be used. If they don’t get their way then they’ll try to start something. The Magi...they don’t care, they are rational, smart, and they are well-organized than the Nullers who are too inept to understand that they no longer have the superiority that they used to have.”
“You’ve really done well.”
“I did.”
“Yet here you are acting so defeated.”
“I am. What’s so wrong about it?”
“I don’t like this. This look on you.”
Mavin didn’t answer. Natalya took a sip of her drink. “I told you that you’re mine. I won’t let you die, I won’t let you leave me. Do you not understand that?”
“I don’t understand. I’ve treated you so badly. I have done you a disservice.”
Mavin placed a hand on Natalya’s silver arm.
“Do you think I’m bothered by that? Do you know that I did much worse things? You seem to know well of my gift and curse. I told you of my visions, did you not?”
“Yes, I am aware of your visions.”
“Do you know that every single time you always saved me?”
Mavin kept silent.”
“It’s like you always wanted to die. I hate how you could easily throw your life away for someone. You couldn’t care less about who you offer that life, the worst part is that you keep dying in front of me. Always in front of me again and again. Hey, do you hate me so much that you’d show your dying face?”
“You really have that ability...huh. Then why?”
“No, you answer me right now. I am done not telling the truth and avoiding this. You always try to keep this talk from happening, but right now I demand that you answer me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Mavin said straightly. “Even if I did tell you, it would be a lie because I admire you from the bottom of my heart. When I saw you on the train, and when you wore that lovely dress. I thought to myself that you were a stunning woman.”
“Eh?”
“What? Honestly, if you haven’t said that I shot you, and did this and that. If I didn’t know or sense that you’ll have that power….who knows?”
“Really?”
“Why would you think that I would spend the last moments of my life looking at you?”
“This is new to me.”
“What?”
“You, saying this.”
“It’s my instincts that told me to never trust you. Because you are born to become an Imperator, a dominator, you would rule the most powerful people in this world. Natalya, believe me when I say that I am only an extra, and you...you can flatten me if you have the determination.”
“I can. The visions told me that I can.”
“See? You are the strongest person in this world. There are only a few who could stop you if you make the right moves. That’s why I don’t understand why you would be so willing to give up that power. Ah, maybe you are tired of the vision? Is this all about why you are drinking?”
“No...it’s...ah...I feel tired suddenly. I spent too much time drowning in visions...realities...if it keeps happening then I would rather have my arm cut.”
Mavin stared blankly. “Can you...tell me what you had done to me in these visions?”
Natalya felt a pin drop. But she thought to himself that she would be truthful today. She could not stand this defeated look that he had. She hated how he was acting despite all that she had seen.
So she told him of her experiences.
Maybe it was the fact that she had given up on trying to hide what was kept inside. Natalya blamed the alcohol for her loose lips. She wanted to blame how she had to act miserable in order to feel the misery that he was feeling.
She spent the afternoon talking about what she had done. When the evening came, and when the wind became colder. Natalya found herself leaning on Mavin while holding a bottle. There were many bottles on the table, and the stink of alcohol permeated the living room.
“Cruel...but...expected of you.”
“Hah, please be angry.”
“You were desperate. I understand that, but personally it didn’t happen to me.”
“Lucky you then,” Natalya snorted. “That you didn’t experience what I saw.”
“Lucky me, so that’s why you wanted to stop me. You’re afraid that you might repeat again. The boons, no, the ritual that I did would keep you from doing that. There might be a method to restore your point of origin, but at the moment it is impossible. I guarantee you that even if you do kill me now. You won't go back.”
“I am not killing you.”
“How unfortunate. Here I was ruining myself because I had achieved my goal. To think that you could have hindered me if you had chosen to.”
“That’s right, you should be glad that I didn’t have the heart to follow these ‘visions’.”
“I see.”
“Do you hate me now?”
“I feel like a fool. I should have known this the moment you suddenly said ‘Five million times’ to me that day.”
“I might be insane.”
“How you could retain yourself....I don’t know.”
Mavin’s face struggled to understand. But he knew now that his life was at her mercy before he had cut her arm.
Natalya was afraid of seeing him gone.
He was an anchor that kept her focused on what she wanted to achieve. As long as she could wake up and see that awful expression of his. She could go on and on. It was like a nightmare that never ended, and yet all of it could have ended if she had just let go.
She had learned so much in such repeated days. She even wonders if the warmth she felt and the pain she had right now was nothing more than an illusion.
“It’s okay,” Mavin’s voice rang. “I’m still here.”
“That you are. So...don’t leave me alone. I am a sinner and you are my warden. You should keep me in check and I’ll keep you in check. That’s your job right now, my husband.”
“And if I refuse?”
“I’ll become an Imperator for you,” she clung to him as she spoke. “I’ll destroy everything if it means I can find a way to get my crest back and repeat until the day you are alive again. So you better not do anything like that. I’ll keep you in check and you’ll make sure that you keep watching me forever, till death do us part again, husband.”
It was a horrible excuse.
A horrible one.
But Natalya knew that she was clinging to the last bits of her sanity. Perhaps it was the last bits of sanity, the goodness that she thinks she has, letting herself into this relationship that was nothing more than codependence born out of many mistakes.
No, she wanted to own him. That was the reason why she wanted to keep him by her side. It was so simple to her that she could not express it in words.
They had already consummated and now that she had given herself. She wouldn’t allow him to escape.
‘You shouldn’t have said that,’ Natalya thought, recalling how his eyes brightened at the thought of the memory of them meeting in the train and at the party in Flost City. ‘You shouldn’t have said that right now…”
There was something that snapped inside her head. There was a whirlwind of darkness inside her eyes that seemed to reflect no light. She clung to him, seemingly intoxicated, careless, and let herself go.
Finding that Mavin did not resist her advances.
She smiled and wrapped herself around him.
Then for a moment she saw deep hatred within his eyes and she pressed her face forward, extinguishing that bit that was trying to resist. It didn’t take long for the exchange to become heated, and by the time she knew it she was pinned down.
Her hands scratched his back until it bled.
Her breathing becomes ragged as the minute passes.
This won’t fix him, but she never wanted to in the first place.
