‘I want to go in there too.’
Jiheon thought as he listened to the sound of the washing machine running in the utility room.
However, cramming himself into the 13kg capacity drum washing machine felt impossible no matter how he looked at it. Instead, he wished he could take his brain out and throw it in. Of course, throwing in just his own brain would be pointless. Kwon Jaekyung’s brain needed a wash as well. He wanted to use plenty of detergent and run it through the stain wash cycle. By doing that, at least the memories of today would be erased cleanly. He didn’t need to erase his entire life’s memories because Kwon Jaekyung shouldn’t forget how to swim. All he just needed to erase was today’s memory. To be exact, only the memory of the past hour.
As soon as he thought of that, the events of the past hour replayed in his mind like a flash of light, causing Jiheon to lie down on the sofa, covering his face with a cushion and letting out a groan.
The more he dwelled on it, the crazier he felt.
‘I did… such a thing… How could I do it like that? Even though I’ve done all kinds of things, I’ve never done anything like that.’
Of course, he had tried it several times before. Sometimes, there were people who wanted to see such a thing, so he’d deliberately drunk a lot of water and ionic drink beforehand, thinking, “Okay, if I can, I’ll give it a try.” But it never worked out. Maybe reason put the brakes on at a critical moment?
As he always failed for that reason, he wondered if the people who managed to do it actually did it by taking drugs or something. He believed he wouldn’t be able to do it with a sober mind.
Yet he had just done it. With a sober mind. No, he didn’t think he was in his right mind either, but the fact that he did that while he was still sane and not taking any drugs was so shocking. And that, too, regardless of his own will.
‘Why am I always losing my mind when I’m with Kwon Jaekyung?’
Before he knew it, he sat upright on the sofa and started pondering seriously.
It was always this. When he played with Jaekyung, he found himself easily moved and swayed. His mind understood that he should regain his composure and be cautious, but it didn’t work. Despite knowing that he might regret his actions later and blame himself for it, he often succumbed to the moment, thinking, “Alright, fine. It will work out somehow.”
‘Is it my fault, or is it Kwon Jaekyung’s fault? But if it’s my fault, it should have been like this with others too. This has never happened when I did it with someone else, but why did it only happen when I’m with Kwon Jaekyung……? As expected, Kwon Jaekyung is the problem. Yeah, I knew it. It’s definitely Kwon Jaekyung’s fault. Kwon Jaekyung is the culprit.’
“Hyung, isn’t it better to consider getting a washing machine with a dryer? Or just buy a dryer?”
When Jiheon was busy trying to rationalize himself, the culprit opened the bathroom door and came out. He seemed very bothered at the thought of going to the rooftop to lay out the blanket at this time of night.
When Jiheon didn’t respond, the culprit casually settled on the sofa and embraced Jiheon naturally.
“Should I buy one? Or should we just lay the sheets on top? The mattress has a waterproof cover, so we can do it on top of that.”
Jiheon remained silent. The moment Jaekyung entered, expressing his intention to use the expensive mattress for a long time, Jiheon couldn’t help but admire (or lament) his own foresight in getting a waterproof cover.
Jaekyung hugged Jiheon’s waist and said nonchalantly.
“It’s alright, hyung. When you feel so good, you can pee too.”
“Hey, it’s not that.”
Jiheon hurriedly replied. Jaekyung flashed a bright smile as Jiheon finally responded.
“I know. It’s squirting.”
He said with a relaxed smile, but his English pronunciation was unnecessarily good because he’d lived in Australia. He then turned and locked Jiheon in his arms, hugging him from behind.
“Hyung, was that your first time?”
Rather than responding, Jiheon merely sighed, implying that he should think of the answer himself.
But perhaps Jaekyung took it as a positive meaning, he hugged Jiheon with excitement and began kissing the back of his neck. On top of that, his hands just couldn’t stay idle, exploring Jiheon’s body.
“Dear customer, we’re closed today. Can do no more.”
Jiheon spoke harshly on purpose.
“I know.”
Jaekyung answered briefly. But his hands still didn’t know how to stop, and they eventually slid inside Jiheon’s clothes and started caressing his chest and lower abdomen.
But those hands weren’t as reckless as usual. Rather, Jaekyung just touched him carefully, as if cuddling him, and it felt like he was touching Jiheon just because he wanted to, rather than to excite him. But that was even more embarrassing.
“Oh, stop touching me.”
In the end, Jiheon laughed.
“I really won’t do anything even if you get hard, you know.”
“I’m not asking for it. I’ll take care of that myself. I’ll just hold it in.”
Jaekyung mumbled into Jiheon’s shoulder, almost burying himself in the crook of Jiheon’s neck. Jiheon’s heart was filled with sorrow at the desperate gesture. It was as if Jaekyung was silently saying, “Hyung, I like you, I like you so much I feel like I’m gonna die.”
Kwon Jaekyung was always like this. Even though he pushed around like a bulldozer and behaved mercilessly, there were moments when he clung to Jiheon like a child. He made it clear that he didn’t know what to do, stumbling through these moments clumsily.
And Jiheon, for all his strength and resilience, had a soft spot for Jaekyung’s clumsy side. Even if Jaekyung behaved as he wanted and came out strong all the time, Jiheon would still treat him the same. But when Jaekyung clung to him like a lost child, he felt utterly clueless.
‘Maybe that’s the reason?’
“Hyung, can’t you just become my real boyfriend?”
After a long pause, Jaekyung lifted his head and popped the question. Jiheon couldn’t even stop him from talking nonsense like he always did, so he just sighed and said:
“What’s the point of that now?”
“Why? Is it pointless?”
Jaekyung asked back, unabashed. Jiheon caressed Jaekyung’s hair as a comforting gesture and responded.
“Yeah, that’s it. Being actual boyfriends won’t change what we have now. We already do all the things boyfriends do anyway.”
He was trying to tell him not to dwell too much about the name of the relationship. He could do whatever he wanted without having to be tied down in such an annoying term.
However,
“Then you can just date me for real.”
Jaekyung’s next words left Jiheon momentarily stunned.
“It’s no different from what we have now, so why not?”
Jaekyung looked as if he couldn’t understand. Jiheon was momentarily thrown off by his innocent, almost childlike reaction, but then he composed himself and replied in a more casual tone.
“Even if nothing is different now, things will be different in the future.”
Jiheon said, trying to make it sound like a joke.
“I’m a future-oriented person, you see? I’m just saying we should think ahead a bit more than just right now.”
“You mean after the Olympics?”
“That’s one thing, but we should see even further into the future. Life is long, after all.”
Jiheon shrugged. Jaekyung stared at him with a blank look and then turned serious, all without a hint of a smile.
“Hyung, do you really think we can go back to the way we were after the Olympics are over? Do you think we can just go back to being senior and junior, or hyung and dongsaeng?”
It was an unexpected question.
As Jiheon struggled to find a response because he was so surprised by the question, Jaekyung sat up and continued:
“I don’t know about you, but I can’t do that. I wouldn’t be able to see you. I can’t just face you and pretend like nothing happened.”
Jaekyung’s tone was even more serious than before, and Jiheon’s heart sank. There was not even a glimpse of a joke. Jaekyung was speaking seriously, almost as if saying, “Hyung, if you don’t fully accept my heart until the end, you might never see me again.”
“Are you… threatening me now?”
Jiheon asked in a stern voice, not realizing how serious it sounded. Jaekyung blinked for a moment and then asked, looking puzzled.
“Do you feel this is a threat?”
‘……Oh, fuck.’
Only then did Jiheon realize his slip of tongue. Before he could come up with an excuse out of embarrassment, Jaekyung chimed in.
“Is it a threat to you that you might never see me again? It’s not like I won’t go to the Olympics?”
Jaekyung said, giving Jiheon a tighter hug.
“Tell me, hyung. Do you hate not being able to see me? Are you scared?”
He spoke with an openly happy face, but this time, Jiheon was genuinely at a loss for words. He should have said something to ease the tension or played it off as a joke, but his mind was complicated. He couldn’t even think of anything.
“Hey, what do you mean scared? Your face is even scarier. Let go of me.”
Jiheon recklessly shook off Jaekyung’s arm and escaped from his embrace, taking a seat on the edge of the sofa. He let out a series of sighs, as if trying to calm himself down.
‘I must be tired today… Why am I so out of it since before?’
He was trying to calm down, blaming the flow of thoughts he couldn’t understand on his fatigue. However, Jaekyung unexpectedly spoke up:
“Thirty meters.”
Jiheon raised his head at the sudden remark and looked at Jaekyung. When their eyes met, Jaekyung smiled, leaning against the back of the sofa.
“No, it’s twenty meters now.”
“What?”
When Jiheon looked at him as if asking what he was talking about, Jaekyung answered.
“The remaining distance. I started a 100-meter dash, and there’s only a bit left now.”
Confused, Jiheon belatedly remembered what Jaekyung had said to him before, the one that was almost like a declaration of war.
“Hey, don’t be ridiculous! I told you it’s not. I haven’t started yet. I don’t even have any intention of starting.”
“Then you lose by disqualification.”
Jaekyung responded casually, crossing his legs.
“If you start late, you’re disqualified, and if you don’t start at all, you’re disqualified. You know that, hyung. Even if one of us gets disqualified and withdraws, the game still goes on.”
In any case, he said he had no choice but to win, but his childish side from before had disappeared and he had returned to being the clever, sly, and stubborn Kwon Jaekyung.
Jiheon was dumbfounded.
‘Is he planning to act now?’
Even if that wasn’t the case, Jiheon still felt rattled.
No, it was more of a problem if it wasn’t acting. Kwon Jaekyung just acted like usual without any intention, but it seemed like Jiheon was the only one who got swayed and couldn’t get a hold of himself.
Kwon Jaekyung didn’t even do anything, but Jiheon’s mind already froze, thawed, sad, scared, and confused alone.
“…….”
Suddenly, anxiety washed over him. His heart raced uncontrollably at the change of emotions that he couldn’t control and issued a crisis warning.
Feeling uneasy for no apparent reason, Jiheon stood up and said:
“Hey, go home now.”
“I’m not done washing the sheets.”
“I’ll handle it. Just go.”
However, Jaekyung was not one to obediently heed such words.
“Wouldn’t it be stupid for me to leave now?”
The guy chuckled, finding the idea ridiculous, then he lied down on the sofa and said:
“There is no reverse in swimming, hyung. You can’t go back to 100 meters under any circumstances. You will be disqualified right away.”
“Even if there’s no reverse, there’s still a turn. Go home.”
Jiheon grasped his arm and tried to get him up, but Jaekyung remained unmoved. Instead, he spoke earnestly while maintaining eye contact with Jiheon.
“A turn is just a step toward reaching the ultimate goal. Even during a 100-meter dash, it’s a last-minute surge in the final 50 meters.”
He acted as if he was worried, asking if he could handle it, but Jiheon was completely speechless.
He was thinking about all sorts of things, such as whether this guy was actually going to a speech academy without his knowledge, whether he took a class on understanding communication because his social skills were so wrecked, or whether he ended up becoming a crazy eloquent speaker.
Just then, a notification sound from the utility room signaled the completion of the laundry.
“You know what, hyung?”
Jaekyung got to his feet. The guy who wouldn’t budge no matter how hard Jiheon tried to hold him up got off the sofa with movements as light as a feather.
“It’ll be Saturday in twenty minutes.”
“…….”
“It’s the start of the weekend.”
Jaekyung smiled, then whistled and headed to the utility room. Jiheon, who had been blankly staring at his back, suddenly slumped onto the sofa without realizing it.
He was completely out of his mind. He was crazy for accepting Kwon Jaekyung’s single word without hesitation. But every word he spoke made Jiheon’s heart tighten and swell as if it might burst.
“Wow, this is really…….”
Jiheon muttered in a dazed state, rubbing his face with his dry hand.
“This is driving me crazy…….”
‘I want to go in there too.’
Jiheon thought as he listened to the sound of the washing machine running in the utility room.
However, cramming himself into the 13kg capacity drum washing machine felt impossible no matter how he looked at it. Instead, he wished he could take his brain out and throw it in. Of course, throwing in just his own brain would be pointless. Kwon Jaekyung’s brain needed a wash as well. He wanted to use plenty of detergent and run it through the stain wash cycle. By doing that, at least the memories of today would be erased cleanly. He didn’t need to erase his entire life’s memories because Kwon Jaekyung shouldn’t forget how to swim. All he just needed to erase was today’s memory. To be exact, only the memory of the past hour.
As soon as he thought of that, the events of the past hour replayed in his mind like a flash of light, causing Jiheon to lie down on the sofa, covering his face with a cushion and letting out a groan.
The more he dwelled on it, the crazier he felt.
‘I did… such a thing… How could I do it like that? Even though I’ve done all kinds of things, I’ve never done anything like that.’
Of course, he had tried it several times before. Sometimes, there were people who wanted to see such a thing, so he’d deliberately drunk a lot of water and ionic drink beforehand, thinking, “Okay, if I can, I’ll give it a try.” But it never worked out. Maybe reason put the brakes on at a critical moment?
As he always failed for that reason, he wondered if the people who managed to do it actually did it by taking drugs or something. He believed he wouldn’t be able to do it with a sober mind.
Yet he had just done it. With a sober mind. No, he didn’t think he was in his right mind either, but the fact that he did that while he was still sane and not taking any drugs was so shocking. And that, too, regardless of his own will.
‘Why am I always losing my mind when I’m with Kwon Jaekyung?’
Before he knew it, he sat upright on the sofa and started pondering seriously.
It was always this. When he played with Jaekyung, he found himself easily moved and swayed. His mind understood that he should regain his composure and be cautious, but it didn’t work. Despite knowing that he might regret his actions later and blame himself for it, he often succumbed to the moment, thinking, “Alright, fine. It will work out somehow.”
‘Is it my fault, or is it Kwon Jaekyung’s fault? But if it’s my fault, it should have been like this with others too. This has never happened when I did it with someone else, but why did it only happen when I’m with Kwon Jaekyung……? As expected, Kwon Jaekyung is the problem. Yeah, I knew it. It’s definitely Kwon Jaekyung’s fault. Kwon Jaekyung is the culprit.’
“Hyung, isn’t it better to consider getting a washing machine with a dryer? Or just buy a dryer?”
When Jiheon was busy trying to rationalize himself, the culprit opened the bathroom door and came out. He seemed very bothered at the thought of going to the rooftop to lay out the blanket at this time of night.
When Jiheon didn’t respond, the culprit casually settled on the sofa and embraced Jiheon naturally.
“Should I buy one? Or should we just lay the sheets on top? The mattress has a waterproof cover, so we can do it on top of that.”
Jiheon remained silent. The moment Jaekyung entered, expressing his intention to use the expensive mattress for a long time, Jiheon couldn’t help but admire (or lament) his own foresight in getting a waterproof cover.
Jaekyung hugged Jiheon’s waist and said nonchalantly.
“It’s alright, hyung. When you feel so good, you can pee too.”
“Hey, it’s not that.”
Jiheon hurriedly replied. Jaekyung flashed a bright smile as Jiheon finally responded.
“I know. It’s squirting.”
He said with a relaxed smile, but his English pronunciation was unnecessarily good because he’d lived in Australia. He then turned and locked Jiheon in his arms, hugging him from behind.
“Hyung, was that your first time?”
Rather than responding, Jiheon merely sighed, implying that he should think of the answer himself.
But perhaps Jaekyung took it as a positive meaning, he hugged Jiheon with excitement and began kissing the back of his neck. On top of that, his hands just couldn’t stay idle, exploring Jiheon’s body.
“Dear customer, we’re closed today. Can do no more.”
Jiheon spoke harshly on purpose.
“I know.”
Jaekyung answered briefly. But his hands still didn’t know how to stop, and they eventually slid inside Jiheon’s clothes and started caressing his chest and lower abdomen.
But those hands weren’t as reckless as usual. Rather, Jaekyung just touched him carefully, as if cuddling him, and it felt like he was touching Jiheon just because he wanted to, rather than to excite him. But that was even more embarrassing.
“Oh, stop touching me.”
In the end, Jiheon laughed.
“I really won’t do anything even if you get hard, you know.”
“I’m not asking for it. I’ll take care of that myself. I’ll just hold it in.”
Jaekyung mumbled into Jiheon’s shoulder, almost burying himself in the crook of Jiheon’s neck. Jiheon’s heart was filled with sorrow at the desperate gesture. It was as if Jaekyung was silently saying, “Hyung, I like you, I like you so much I feel like I’m gonna die.”
Kwon Jaekyung was always like this. Even though he pushed around like a bulldozer and behaved mercilessly, there were moments when he clung to Jiheon like a child. He made it clear that he didn’t know what to do, stumbling through these moments clumsily.
And Jiheon, for all his strength and resilience, had a soft spot for Jaekyung’s clumsy side. Even if Jaekyung behaved as he wanted and came out strong all the time, Jiheon would still treat him the same. But when Jaekyung clung to him like a lost child, he felt utterly clueless.
‘Maybe that’s the reason?’
“Hyung, can’t you just become my real boyfriend?”
After a long pause, Jaekyung lifted his head and popped the question. Jiheon couldn’t even stop him from talking nonsense like he always did, so he just sighed and said:
“What’s the point of that now?”
“Why? Is it pointless?”
Jaekyung asked back, unabashed. Jiheon caressed Jaekyung’s hair as a comforting gesture and responded.
“Yeah, that’s it. Being actual boyfriends won’t change what we have now. We already do all the things boyfriends do anyway.”
He was trying to tell him not to dwell too much about the name of the relationship. He could do whatever he wanted without having to be tied down in such an annoying term.
However,
“Then you can just date me for real.”
Jaekyung’s next words left Jiheon momentarily stunned.
“It’s no different from what we have now, so why not?”
Jaekyung looked as if he couldn’t understand. Jiheon was momentarily thrown off by his innocent, almost childlike reaction, but then he composed himself and replied in a more casual tone.
“Even if nothing is different now, things will be different in the future.”
Jiheon said, trying to make it sound like a joke.
“I’m a future-oriented person, you see? I’m just saying we should think ahead a bit more than just right now.”
“You mean after the Olympics?”
“That’s one thing, but we should see even further into the future. Life is long, after all.”
Jiheon shrugged. Jaekyung stared at him with a blank look and then turned serious, all without a hint of a smile.
“Hyung, do you really think we can go back to the way we were after the Olympics are over? Do you think we can just go back to being senior and junior, or hyung and dongsaeng?”
It was an unexpected question.
As Jiheon struggled to find a response because he was so surprised by the question, Jaekyung sat up and continued:
“I don’t know about you, but I can’t do that. I wouldn’t be able to see you. I can’t just face you and pretend like nothing happened.”
Jaekyung’s tone was even more serious than before, and Jiheon’s heart sank. There was not even a glimpse of a joke. Jaekyung was speaking seriously, almost as if saying, “Hyung, if you don’t fully accept my heart until the end, you might never see me again.”
“Are you… threatening me now?”
Jiheon asked in a stern voice, not realizing how serious it sounded. Jaekyung blinked for a moment and then asked, looking puzzled.
“Do you feel this is a threat?”
‘……Oh, fuck.’
Only then did Jiheon realize his slip of tongue. Before he could come up with an excuse out of embarrassment, Jaekyung chimed in.
“Is it a threat to you that you might never see me again? It’s not like I won’t go to the Olympics?”
Jaekyung said, giving Jiheon a tighter hug.
“Tell me, hyung. Do you hate not being able to see me? Are you scared?”
He spoke with an openly happy face, but this time, Jiheon was genuinely at a loss for words. He should have said something to ease the tension or played it off as a joke, but his mind was complicated. He couldn’t even think of anything.
“Hey, what do you mean scared? Your face is even scarier. Let go of me.”
Jiheon recklessly shook off Jaekyung’s arm and escaped from his embrace, taking a seat on the edge of the sofa. He let out a series of sighs, as if trying to calm himself down.
‘I must be tired today… Why am I so out of it since before?’
He was trying to calm down, blaming the flow of thoughts he couldn’t understand on his fatigue. However, Jaekyung unexpectedly spoke up:
“Thirty meters.”
Jiheon raised his head at the sudden remark and looked at Jaekyung. When their eyes met, Jaekyung smiled, leaning against the back of the sofa.
“No, it’s twenty meters now.”
“What?”
When Jiheon looked at him as if asking what he was talking about, Jaekyung answered.
“The remaining distance. I started a 100-meter dash, and there’s only a bit left now.”
Confused, Jiheon belatedly remembered what Jaekyung had said to him before, the one that was almost like a declaration of war.
“Hey, don’t be ridiculous! I told you it’s not. I haven’t started yet. I don’t even have any intention of starting.”
“Then you lose by disqualification.”
Jaekyung responded casually, crossing his legs.
“If you start late, you’re disqualified, and if you don’t start at all, you’re disqualified. You know that, hyung. Even if one of us gets disqualified and withdraws, the game still goes on.”
In any case, he said he had no choice but to win, but his childish side from before had disappeared and he had returned to being the clever, sly, and stubborn Kwon Jaekyung.
Jiheon was dumbfounded.
‘Is he planning to act now?’
Even if that wasn’t the case, Jiheon still felt rattled.
No, it was more of a problem if it wasn’t acting. Kwon Jaekyung just acted like usual without any intention, but it seemed like Jiheon was the only one who got swayed and couldn’t get a hold of himself.
Kwon Jaekyung didn’t even do anything, but Jiheon’s mind already froze, thawed, sad, scared, and confused alone.
“…….”
Suddenly, anxiety washed over him. His heart raced uncontrollably at the change of emotions that he couldn’t control and issued a crisis warning.
Feeling uneasy for no apparent reason, Jiheon stood up and said:
“Hey, go home now.”
“I’m not done washing the sheets.”
“I’ll handle it. Just go.”
However, Jaekyung was not one to obediently heed such words.
“Wouldn’t it be stupid for me to leave now?”
The guy chuckled, finding the idea ridiculous, then he lied down on the sofa and said:
“There is no reverse in swimming, hyung. You can’t go back to 100 meters under any circumstances. You will be disqualified right away.”
“Even if there’s no reverse, there’s still a turn. Go home.”
Jiheon grasped his arm and tried to get him up, but Jaekyung remained unmoved. Instead, he spoke earnestly while maintaining eye contact with Jiheon.
“A turn is just a step toward reaching the ultimate goal. Even during a 100-meter dash, it’s a last-minute surge in the final 50 meters.”
He acted as if he was worried, asking if he could handle it, but Jiheon was completely speechless.
He was thinking about all sorts of things, such as whether this guy was actually going to a speech academy without his knowledge, whether he took a class on understanding communication because his social skills were so wrecked, or whether he ended up becoming a crazy eloquent speaker.
Just then, a notification sound from the utility room signaled the completion of the laundry.
“You know what, hyung?”
Jaekyung got to his feet. The guy who wouldn’t budge no matter how hard Jiheon tried to hold him up got off the sofa with movements as light as a feather.
“It’ll be Saturday in twenty minutes.”
“…….”
“It’s the start of the weekend.”
Jaekyung smiled, then whistled and headed to the utility room. Jiheon, who had been blankly staring at his back, suddenly slumped onto the sofa without realizing it.
He was completely out of his mind. He was crazy for accepting Kwon Jaekyung’s single word without hesitation. But every word he spoke made Jiheon’s heart tighten and swell as if it might burst.
“Wow, this is really…….”
Jiheon muttered in a dazed state, rubbing his face with his dry hand.
“This is driving me crazy…….”
