Liang Rong found it challenging to sit still. Today was the day his father returned from Luoyang, but he couldn’t see him right away. County officials greeted his father to congratulate him on his promotion to provincial governor. As his only son, he didn’t want to disturb his father with official matters. Yet, sitting idly in the back courtyard made him restless. His father hadn’t fully recovered from his illness, yet he rushed to the capital. How was his health now? And as the new provincial governor, would he have to go to Jinyang? Could he go with him?
His heart felt like it was being scratched by a cat’s claws. Finally, when he received news that his father had returned to the back courtyard to rest, he immediately got up to pay his respects.
“Father!” Even though he was still more than ten paces away, Liang Rong’s eyes turned red uncontrollably. He practically ran all the way to Liang Feng. His father had indeed lost weight! His complexion wasn’t good. Had he overexerted himself?
Holding back tears, Liang Rong said, “Father, I couldn’t accompany you on your journey, which is unfilial.”
Looking at his son’s flushed eyes and his attempt to maintain his composure, Liang Feng smiled and patted his head. “Rong’er has been diligently studying at home to not trouble his father. How can that be unfilial? Good, Father is hungry. How about eating with me?”
“Hmm!” Liang Rong sniffled and gently held Liang Feng’s hand, as if assisting him, leading him into the hall.
With such a thoughtful son by his side, what was there to worry about? Liang Feng smiled and followed him into the hall.
After taking their seats, a maidservant brought warm towels to clean their hands and faces. Subsequently, the prepared meal was served. It was mealtime, but Liang Feng still didn’t have much of an appetite. He only had some bean porridge and a few side dishes before putting down his chopsticks.
However, when he raised his head, he saw a pair of shiny eyes staring at him. Liang Rong said pitifully, “Father, you haven’t eaten much of what Rong’er prepared.”
Well, looking at what was on his own table and then at his son’s, Liang Feng cleared his throat and said, “Father can use Rong’er’s bowl for the goat’s milk.”
Apart from the addictive symptoms, heavy metal poisoning still needs to be considered. Eating more protein-rich meals would be good. Under the watchful gaze of Liang Rong, Liang Feng drank a small bowl of goat’s milk and finally breathed a sigh of relief.
After finishing the meal and rinsing his mouth with clear water, Liang Feng smiled and asked, “Rong’er, you seem to have grown taller. Have you been practicing archery and playing the zither diligently during these days at home?”
He had no worries about his studies; Liang Rong was naturally diligent, and with the careful guidance of his teachers, he would certainly not slack off. So, there was no need to inquire about that. In this era, there were no certificates or exams like in the future. Skills such as music, chess, calligraphy, painting, and even archery were meant to cultivate one’s character and refine one’s nobility. For Liang Rong, it was already considered a form of entertainment.
Liang Rong nodded, an uncommon moment of not giving a direct answer. Instead, he hesitated for a moment and asked, “Father, are you going to Jinyang for your new position?”
It seemed that the news of his father’s appointment as a provincial governor had also reached the young boy’s ears. Liang Feng replied, “Indeed. In two days, I will set out for Jinyang.”
“Can Rong’er come along?” Liang Rong asked eagerly, even leaning forward slightly.
Upon hearing this, Liang Feng furrowed his brow. This journey to Jinyang was no easy task. After all, the city had been besieged for a year, and with the jackals and wolves lurking around, safety was far from guaranteed. He could hold the city, but putting Rong’er in such a perilous situation was something he couldn’t bear.
However, the young boy in front of him was so anxious, as if he wanted to cling to his father’s waist. Saying no would surely break his heart.
After a brief moment of contemplation, Liang Feng’s expression turned solemn. “This time, Father is going to Jinyang, and it’s unclear how long it will take. Rong’er must stay in Shangdang and protect our home.”
His tone carried a sense of gravity. Liang Rong was momentarily taken aback, and his lips immediately pursed. He couldn’t go to Jinyang with his father, but this was the first time his father had entrusted him with such a serious responsibility. His little heart was nearly tied in knots, and he hesitated before whispering, “Is it very dangerous in Jinyang, Father?”
Liang Feng didn’t want to hide this fact: “Jinyang has been under siege for a year, and it’s the administrative center of Bing County. It’s a perilous situation. But with the imperial command on me, I must go there to oversee and quell the rebellion of the Xiongnu people to ensure the stability of the province. There will be challenges, and hardships may be plentiful. I truly won’t have the energy to manage the household. Rong’er, you’re going to the academy next year and have learned a lot about poetry, literature, and mathematics. You can share the burden with your father.”
From Liang Feng’s perspective, this responsibility seemed a bit too heavy. However, the redness in Liang Rong’s eyes, which had been there all along, held back the tears. After a long pause, he nodded firmly and said, “Father, rest assured. Rong’er will take care of the family and won’t let you worry.”
Seeing his son’s appearance, Liang Feng couldn’t help but sigh and pulled his son into his arms, “You should stay in Lu City as usual and focus on your studies. If anything happens at home, send a letter to Jinyang as soon as possible. I will have Zhao Yu arrange everything, and when the school is on break, you can come back to the mansion. Also, your teacher, Master Cui, will stay in Shangdang. If you need anything, you can consult him.”
This was not just an excuse or a lie. The Liang household only consisted of the father and son. If both of them left Shangdang, it would undoubtedly leave the servants without a clear leader. However, with Liang Rong staying behind, it would be different. He was the only son and the future head of the Liang family. As long as Liang Rong was there, the household staff would not relax their duties. Having the young boy stay in the safe haven of Shangdang gave Liang Feng peace of mind.
But parting from an eight-year-old child was undeniably heartbreaking.
Clutching his father’s robes tightly, Liang Rong buried his little head in his father’s chest, where the medicinal scent lingered. His small body1 had become even more fragile, appearing somewhat emaciated. Yet his father continued to uphold the vast territory of a province, shielding himself and countless others under his protective wings. He had reached the age of responsibility and could no longer trouble his father as he did in his youth.
However, despite holding back his tears for so long, they finally overflowed, wetting a small patch of clothing.
※
Yiyan didn’t stay long at the Governor’s residence. After briefing Duan Qin about the matters in Qixian, he left the prefectural government. Like other civil and military officials, Yiyan now had his own official residence in Lu City. However, it was sparsely furnished, with a shortage of maids and entertainers. Instead, he had personal guards accompanying him at all times, along with strict orders and restrictions. It was like transplanting another military camp into the city.
Once he returned home, Yiyan dealt with some remaining official matters and then rose to perform his daily exercises. He practiced a set of swordsmanship, a set of spear techniques, as well as frog jumps, push-ups, and pull-ups, techniques he had learned from his lord. Even though the July heat hadn’t completely dissipated, and he was dressed in lightweight clothing, his sweat poured like running water. Yet Yiyan remained silent, meticulously performing each movement according to standard, his muscles taut as a drawn bowstring, filled with strength and a concealed intent to kill.
After completing all of his training, the sky had already darkened. He bathed and then casually put on a single robe before entering his study. The meal was already laid out, as usual, with meat and bread, not much different from military rations. After finishing the meal, he brought out military manuals, read them, and began studying.
If someone were to say that the Commandant of Shangdang and the Liang Family’s military leader spent their leisure time like this every day, many would find it hard to believe. Even the likes of Linghu Kuang, born into an aristocratic family, or someone like Wu Ling, a soldier, would indulge in revelry and relaxation in times of peace. Men who had lived on the battlefield often behaved more recklessly than others when they were off-duty. This was because no one understood better than them the precariousness of life. A single cold arrow could end their lives. What was the use of official positions and rewards if they couldn’t be used for enjoyment?
However, Yiyan had never acted this way. From the time he first learned to read until now, it had only been a brief three years. In his study, there were still many military and historical books he had yet to fully understand. His lord had told him to thoroughly study the contents of these books. If this knowledge could save more of his soldiers’ lives, he was willing to read a few more volumes.
The sound of his pen scratching the slightly yellowed paper echoed in the room. The handwriting resembled that of Liang Feng but lacked the latter’s casual grace. Instead, it carried a hint of sharpness, like silver hooks and iron drawings, capable of leaving an impression.
By the light of a candle, Yiyan read for nearly half an hour, then put down his pen and rubbed his eyes. It was also something his lord had taught him – not to read for too long and not to do it all in the evening to avoid straining the eyes. He depended on his eyes for a living. If his eyesight deteriorated, how could he handle a bow or ride a horse?
If he were still by his lord’s side at this moment, they would likely play several games of chess, or take out a musical instrument. One would play, and the other would listen. They might even discuss military texts or historical events, reenacting those famous battles from the past on a sand table. Or perhaps they would do nothing at all, just burning incense and sipping tea, stealing half a day of leisure.
Those well-defined hands lowered. Yiyan opened his gray-blue eyes and looked to his side. The room was empty.
How long had it been since he had naturally been by that person’s side?
The night wind rustled the edges of the windows, making a light whooshing sound. Yiyan got up and went to the other side of the study, taking a chisel from a wooden box to continue the unfinished task. He was carving a jade plaque, and the jade was of the finest quality, costing him a good portion of his salary. Every pattern on it was carved by his own hands.
His father was a well-known Buddhist sculptor in the village, and he had learned some of the craft as well. However, he wasn’t particularly skilled. He started with plants and flowers, then moved on to birds and animals, and later to ghosts and deities. Gods and Buddhas, however, were always reserved for when one achieved mastery. It was a rule passed down from their ancestors.
His craft was not exceptional, but at this moment, he was carving an image of Buddha. The folds of the robe flowed, and the eyes and eyebrows were serene, exuding a hint of grace and delicacy amidst the dignified appearance. Just like the person in his dreams, imprinted on white jade.
This was the deity in his heart and the only way to suppress his restlessness and unease. It seemed that as long as he focused his mind and calmed his spirit, he could get a bit closer to what was in his heart. Perhaps one day, a lifelike image of Buddha could hang around that person’s neck.
A clear chime as gold and jade met. Yiyan seemed to forget all his troubles, quietly carving and worshiping this small jade Buddha.
※
The next day, Liang Feng woke up and immediately immersed himself in the busy affairs of the state. After all, he had been away from Shangdang for quite some time, with another journey ahead, and there were many matters awaiting his judgment. However, from the early morning until late at night, when he finally had a moment to sit in his study and catch his breath, Liang Feng’s mind became restless once again.
Leaving matters unattended and pretending not to see them was not his usual habit. In a few more days, he would be departing for his new post, and he couldn’t afford to delay any longer.
“Summon Captain Yi to come and see me,” Liang Feng eventually ordered. It was time to untangle this mess.
However, when the order was given, the response was somewhat slow. After drinking two cups of tea and reviewing numerous documents, the footsteps outside finally arrived belatedly. Liang Feng couldn’t help but put down his pen and sit up straight. After a short while, the door was pushed open, and a tall figure entered the study.
The newcomer had sweat on his forehead and dirt on his clothes, clearly indicating he had hurried all the way. Liang Feng belatedly realized that he might have gone to the horse camp outside the city. However, now that he had been called in, discussing these details was of little use. Clearing his throat, Liang Feng said to the maid beside him, “Cang Lan, have everyone withdraw.”
Cang Lan, as silent as ever, bowed and left the room. The slight furrowing of Yiyan’s noble brows as he slowly knelt in front of Liang Feng was a sight he had seen once before. His lord’s proactive summons, the dismissal of the others, and the circumstances all pointed toward a specific topic.
Observing Yiyan’s extremely stubborn and determined gaze, Liang Feng let out a soft sigh. “Boyuan, two days from now, I will be heading to Jinyang in the north. Your role in this mission is not a light one. You’ll need to join forces with the people of Jinyang to resist the Xiongnu, and you may even have to deal with the peacekeeping General sent by the court.”
Liang Feng paused before continuing, “This mission concerns the survival of Bing County, and we must not take it lightly.”
“I understand,” Yiyan responded in a deep voice.
His demeanor was too calm, causing Liang Feng to furrow his brow further. “In that case, it would be better to rein in those… restless thoughts of yours.”
In the word “restless,” Liang Feng’s tone softened slightly. However, before he could finish, Yiyan cut him off, “My lord, you can rest assured. I have never let my personal feelings interfere with official matters. I do understand that.”
Hearing these words, Liang Feng was left somewhat speechless. Indeed, during this long period, he had never sensed that Yiyan harbored different thoughts. Even when Yiyan seemed to have become somewhat distant and cold, he had concealed his emotions well. Not to mention interfering with official business, he hadn’t even noticed any change in their close daily interactions.
Damn it, how could he have not noticed?!
However, this was not the time to discuss such matters. Liang Feng’s expression turned even more serious. “Have you ever considered that I have no interest in men?”
Yiyan’s body trembled slightly. “My lord, I know because I witnessed your actions when you executed Magistrate Yan for his unruly behavior.”
He hadn’t mentioned it, and even Liang Feng himself had forgotten. Yes, it was in the Shangdang Prefectural Governor’s residence where he killed Magistrate Yan, who had been overly enthusiastic toward him and took this position. Yiyan was present that day.
Wait a minute. Did Yiyan only realize this complex affection during that time?
This was even more troublesome than he had expected. After a pause, Liang Feng continued, “In that case, wouldn’t it be better to take a step back? I consider you my disciple and confidant. Would it not be a shame to ruin these relationships?”
As soon as the words left his mouth, Liang Feng regretted them. Because the one who had ruined everything was not Yiyan but himself. If it weren’t for that day when his poisoned mind had led to confusion, Yiyan might have buried these feelings for a lifetime and never taken a step beyond the boundary. Unfortunately, due to a twist of fate, everything had turned into a futile endeavor.
A trace of pain flashed in Yiyan’s eyes, and he lowered his head, prostrating himself before Liang Feng. “I can deceive my lord, but I can’t deceive myself. My lord may despise me and humiliate me, but I can’t bear to be apart from my lord.”
His voice was not loud, but every word carried a heavy weight. Liang Feng’s spine tingled with a shiver, “If I can’t stand it, will you leave me?”
Yiyan suddenly lifted his head, his intense gaze fixed firmly on Liang Feng, “I will make it so that my lord cannot abandon me!”
That look was aggressive. In modern times, if a girl encountered a suitor like this, she would probably consider him a stalker and run as far away as possible. But Liang Feng wasn’t a girl. He had been through countless “love affairs,” understanding all the tactics and strategies, but he had never encountered anyone who pursued him with such words and such an attitude. This was no longer a refined and gentlemanly confession; it felt more like hunting and battle, relentless and unyielding.
When he realized this, his heart rate increased slightly. “Fight or flee” is an inherent human instinct, and Liang Feng had never chosen “flight.”
In an instant, he steadied himself. His clenched fist tightened even further, “What is it that makes you so persistent? Is it because of this face? What if I found a more handsome man for you?”
Yiyan’s expression seemed to twitch, a mix of bitterness and pain. His lips quivered for a moment before he spoke, “There will be no one like my lord treating me this way.”
Yes, there won’t be anyone like him anymore. Someone who saw him as a real person, not a barbaric and odd foreigner. From the moment they first met, that person’s attitude had never changed. Not because of his appearance, not because of his status. That was the precious part.
Yiyan didn’t know when he fell in love with the person before him. Perhaps it was the moment their eyes met, destined to be captivated for a lifetime.
Liang Feng fell silent. Convincing someone deeply in love not to love is even more challenging than convincing someone who wants to die not to die. Because love was ultimately the most enchanting thing in the world, capable of giving life or taking it away.
Yiyan, however, didn’t press on further. Instead, he knelt deeply on the ground again and said, “My lord, please don’t worry. I know my boundaries.”
What boundaries? As Liang Feng watched the bowed back, he even felt a touch of sympathy for Yiyan. It really wasn’t fair to him. But as someone involved in this situation, what could Liang Feng do?
Seeing that the person before him remained silent for a long time, Yiyan didn’t speak further. He slowly stood up, just as he had come, and retreated.
When the figure had completely disappeared, Liang Feng finally let out the breath he had been holding in his chest. He had seen same-sex love before and even had a childhood friend with a partner who loved him to the point of being infatuated. They were like any other loving couple, with deep and enduring love that had lasted for over a decade. Liang Feng didn’t discriminate against such love. However, these deep affections, irrespective of gender, had never been a part of Liang Feng’s life plan.
He might have had envy, he might have had admiration, but he was unwilling to truly engage. It’s because he knew he wasn’t the kind of person who could invest his genuine emotions.
Until today.
A slight tremor emerged once again, like the eve of an addiction outbreak. Liang Feng forcefully pressed down on his knees, suppressing what was coming from deep within. Things had already become this complicated; they didn’t need any more disturbances. Since Yiyan claimed to be able to control himself, then perhaps they could proceed with a different approach. Time was the best and the only antidote.
As long as they were given some more time to ease everything, it would be enough.
Slightly weary, Liang Feng slowly closed his eyes.
Liang Rong found it challenging to sit still. Today was the day his father returned from Luoyang, but he couldn’t see him right away. County officials greeted his father to congratulate him on his promotion to provincial governor. As his only son, he didn’t want to disturb his father with official matters. Yet, sitting idly in the back courtyard made him restless. His father hadn’t fully recovered from his illness, yet he rushed to the capital. How was his health now? And as the new provincial governor, would he have to go to Jinyang? Could he go with him?
His heart felt like it was being scratched by a cat’s claws. Finally, when he received news that his father had returned to the back courtyard to rest, he immediately got up to pay his respects.
“Father!” Even though he was still more than ten paces away, Liang Rong’s eyes turned red uncontrollably. He practically ran all the way to Liang Feng. His father had indeed lost weight! His complexion wasn’t good. Had he overexerted himself?
Holding back tears, Liang Rong said, “Father, I couldn’t accompany you on your journey, which is unfilial.”
Looking at his son’s flushed eyes and his attempt to maintain his composure, Liang Feng smiled and patted his head. “Rong’er has been diligently studying at home to not trouble his father. How can that be unfilial? Good, Father is hungry. How about eating with me?”
“Hmm!” Liang Rong sniffled and gently held Liang Feng’s hand, as if assisting him, leading him into the hall.
With such a thoughtful son by his side, what was there to worry about? Liang Feng smiled and followed him into the hall.
After taking their seats, a maidservant brought warm towels to clean their hands and faces. Subsequently, the prepared meal was served. It was mealtime, but Liang Feng still didn’t have much of an appetite. He only had some bean porridge and a few side dishes before putting down his chopsticks.
However, when he raised his head, he saw a pair of shiny eyes staring at him. Liang Rong said pitifully, “Father, you haven’t eaten much of what Rong’er prepared.”
Well, looking at what was on his own table and then at his son’s, Liang Feng cleared his throat and said, “Father can use Rong’er’s bowl for the goat’s milk.”
Apart from the addictive symptoms, heavy metal poisoning still needs to be considered. Eating more protein-rich meals would be good. Under the watchful gaze of Liang Rong, Liang Feng drank a small bowl of goat’s milk and finally breathed a sigh of relief.
After finishing the meal and rinsing his mouth with clear water, Liang Feng smiled and asked, “Rong’er, you seem to have grown taller. Have you been practicing archery and playing the zither diligently during these days at home?”
He had no worries about his studies; Liang Rong was naturally diligent, and with the careful guidance of his teachers, he would certainly not slack off. So, there was no need to inquire about that. In this era, there were no certificates or exams like in the future. Skills such as music, chess, calligraphy, painting, and even archery were meant to cultivate one’s character and refine one’s nobility. For Liang Rong, it was already considered a form of entertainment.
Liang Rong nodded, an uncommon moment of not giving a direct answer. Instead, he hesitated for a moment and asked, “Father, are you going to Jinyang for your new position?”
It seemed that the news of his father’s appointment as a provincial governor had also reached the young boy’s ears. Liang Feng replied, “Indeed. In two days, I will set out for Jinyang.”
“Can Rong’er come along?” Liang Rong asked eagerly, even leaning forward slightly.
Upon hearing this, Liang Feng furrowed his brow. This journey to Jinyang was no easy task. After all, the city had been besieged for a year, and with the jackals and wolves lurking around, safety was far from guaranteed. He could hold the city, but putting Rong’er in such a perilous situation was something he couldn’t bear.
However, the young boy in front of him was so anxious, as if he wanted to cling to his father’s waist. Saying no would surely break his heart.
After a brief moment of contemplation, Liang Feng’s expression turned solemn. “This time, Father is going to Jinyang, and it’s unclear how long it will take. Rong’er must stay in Shangdang and protect our home.”
His tone carried a sense of gravity. Liang Rong was momentarily taken aback, and his lips immediately pursed. He couldn’t go to Jinyang with his father, but this was the first time his father had entrusted him with such a serious responsibility. His little heart was nearly tied in knots, and he hesitated before whispering, “Is it very dangerous in Jinyang, Father?”
Liang Feng didn’t want to hide this fact: “Jinyang has been under siege for a year, and it’s the administrative center of Bing County. It’s a perilous situation. But with the imperial command on me, I must go there to oversee and quell the rebellion of the Xiongnu people to ensure the stability of the province. There will be challenges, and hardships may be plentiful. I truly won’t have the energy to manage the household. Rong’er, you’re going to the academy next year and have learned a lot about poetry, literature, and mathematics. You can share the burden with your father.”
From Liang Feng’s perspective, this responsibility seemed a bit too heavy. However, the redness in Liang Rong’s eyes, which had been there all along, held back the tears. After a long pause, he nodded firmly and said, “Father, rest assured. Rong’er will take care of the family and won’t let you worry.”
Seeing his son’s appearance, Liang Feng couldn’t help but sigh and pulled his son into his arms, “You should stay in Lu City as usual and focus on your studies. If anything happens at home, send a letter to Jinyang as soon as possible. I will have Zhao Yu arrange everything, and when the school is on break, you can come back to the mansion. Also, your teacher, Master Cui, will stay in Shangdang. If you need anything, you can consult him.”
This was not just an excuse or a lie. The Liang household only consisted of the father and son. If both of them left Shangdang, it would undoubtedly leave the servants without a clear leader. However, with Liang Rong staying behind, it would be different. He was the only son and the future head of the Liang family. As long as Liang Rong was there, the household staff would not relax their duties. Having the young boy stay in the safe haven of Shangdang gave Liang Feng peace of mind.
But parting from an eight-year-old child was undeniably heartbreaking.
Clutching his father’s robes tightly, Liang Rong buried his little head in his father’s chest, where the medicinal scent lingered. His small body1 had become even more fragile, appearing somewhat emaciated. Yet his father continued to uphold the vast territory of a province, shielding himself and countless others under his protective wings. He had reached the age of responsibility and could no longer trouble his father as he did in his youth.
However, despite holding back his tears for so long, they finally overflowed, wetting a small patch of clothing.
※
Yiyan didn’t stay long at the Governor’s residence. After briefing Duan Qin about the matters in Qixian, he left the prefectural government. Like other civil and military officials, Yiyan now had his own official residence in Lu City. However, it was sparsely furnished, with a shortage of maids and entertainers. Instead, he had personal guards accompanying him at all times, along with strict orders and restrictions. It was like transplanting another military camp into the city.
Once he returned home, Yiyan dealt with some remaining official matters and then rose to perform his daily exercises. He practiced a set of swordsmanship, a set of spear techniques, as well as frog jumps, push-ups, and pull-ups, techniques he had learned from his lord. Even though the July heat hadn’t completely dissipated, and he was dressed in lightweight clothing, his sweat poured like running water. Yet Yiyan remained silent, meticulously performing each movement according to standard, his muscles taut as a drawn bowstring, filled with strength and a concealed intent to kill.
After completing all of his training, the sky had already darkened. He bathed and then casually put on a single robe before entering his study. The meal was already laid out, as usual, with meat and bread, not much different from military rations. After finishing the meal, he brought out military manuals, read them, and began studying.
If someone were to say that the Commandant of Shangdang and the Liang Family’s military leader spent their leisure time like this every day, many would find it hard to believe. Even the likes of Linghu Kuang, born into an aristocratic family, or someone like Wu Ling, a soldier, would indulge in revelry and relaxation in times of peace. Men who had lived on the battlefield often behaved more recklessly than others when they were off-duty. This was because no one understood better than them the precariousness of life. A single cold arrow could end their lives. What was the use of official positions and rewards if they couldn’t be used for enjoyment?
However, Yiyan had never acted this way. From the time he first learned to read until now, it had only been a brief three years. In his study, there were still many military and historical books he had yet to fully understand. His lord had told him to thoroughly study the contents of these books. If this knowledge could save more of his soldiers’ lives, he was willing to read a few more volumes.
The sound of his pen scratching the slightly yellowed paper echoed in the room. The handwriting resembled that of Liang Feng but lacked the latter’s casual grace. Instead, it carried a hint of sharpness, like silver hooks and iron drawings, capable of leaving an impression.
By the light of a candle, Yiyan read for nearly half an hour, then put down his pen and rubbed his eyes. It was also something his lord had taught him – not to read for too long and not to do it all in the evening to avoid straining the eyes. He depended on his eyes for a living. If his eyesight deteriorated, how could he handle a bow or ride a horse?
If he were still by his lord’s side at this moment, they would likely play several games of chess, or take out a musical instrument. One would play, and the other would listen. They might even discuss military texts or historical events, reenacting those famous battles from the past on a sand table. Or perhaps they would do nothing at all, just burning incense and sipping tea, stealing half a day of leisure.
Those well-defined hands lowered. Yiyan opened his gray-blue eyes and looked to his side. The room was empty.
How long had it been since he had naturally been by that person’s side?
The night wind rustled the edges of the windows, making a light whooshing sound. Yiyan got up and went to the other side of the study, taking a chisel from a wooden box to continue the unfinished task. He was carving a jade plaque, and the jade was of the finest quality, costing him a good portion of his salary. Every pattern on it was carved by his own hands.
His father was a well-known Buddhist sculptor in the village, and he had learned some of the craft as well. However, he wasn’t particularly skilled. He started with plants and flowers, then moved on to birds and animals, and later to ghosts and deities. Gods and Buddhas, however, were always reserved for when one achieved mastery. It was a rule passed down from their ancestors.
His craft was not exceptional, but at this moment, he was carving an image of Buddha. The folds of the robe flowed, and the eyes and eyebrows were serene, exuding a hint of grace and delicacy amidst the dignified appearance. Just like the person in his dreams, imprinted on white jade.
This was the deity in his heart and the only way to suppress his restlessness and unease. It seemed that as long as he focused his mind and calmed his spirit, he could get a bit closer to what was in his heart. Perhaps one day, a lifelike image of Buddha could hang around that person’s neck.
A clear chime as gold and jade met. Yiyan seemed to forget all his troubles, quietly carving and worshiping this small jade Buddha.
※
The next day, Liang Feng woke up and immediately immersed himself in the busy affairs of the state. After all, he had been away from Shangdang for quite some time, with another journey ahead, and there were many matters awaiting his judgment. However, from the early morning until late at night, when he finally had a moment to sit in his study and catch his breath, Liang Feng’s mind became restless once again.
Leaving matters unattended and pretending not to see them was not his usual habit. In a few more days, he would be departing for his new post, and he couldn’t afford to delay any longer.
“Summon Captain Yi to come and see me,” Liang Feng eventually ordered. It was time to untangle this mess.
However, when the order was given, the response was somewhat slow. After drinking two cups of tea and reviewing numerous documents, the footsteps outside finally arrived belatedly. Liang Feng couldn’t help but put down his pen and sit up straight. After a short while, the door was pushed open, and a tall figure entered the study.
The newcomer had sweat on his forehead and dirt on his clothes, clearly indicating he had hurried all the way. Liang Feng belatedly realized that he might have gone to the horse camp outside the city. However, now that he had been called in, discussing these details was of little use. Clearing his throat, Liang Feng said to the maid beside him, “Cang Lan, have everyone withdraw.”
Cang Lan, as silent as ever, bowed and left the room. The slight furrowing of Yiyan’s noble brows as he slowly knelt in front of Liang Feng was a sight he had seen once before. His lord’s proactive summons, the dismissal of the others, and the circumstances all pointed toward a specific topic.
Observing Yiyan’s extremely stubborn and determined gaze, Liang Feng let out a soft sigh. “Boyuan, two days from now, I will be heading to Jinyang in the north. Your role in this mission is not a light one. You’ll need to join forces with the people of Jinyang to resist the Xiongnu, and you may even have to deal with the peacekeeping General sent by the court.”
Liang Feng paused before continuing, “This mission concerns the survival of Bing County, and we must not take it lightly.”
“I understand,” Yiyan responded in a deep voice.
His demeanor was too calm, causing Liang Feng to furrow his brow further. “In that case, it would be better to rein in those… restless thoughts of yours.”
In the word “restless,” Liang Feng’s tone softened slightly. However, before he could finish, Yiyan cut him off, “My lord, you can rest assured. I have never let my personal feelings interfere with official matters. I do understand that.”
Hearing these words, Liang Feng was left somewhat speechless. Indeed, during this long period, he had never sensed that Yiyan harbored different thoughts. Even when Yiyan seemed to have become somewhat distant and cold, he had concealed his emotions well. Not to mention interfering with official business, he hadn’t even noticed any change in their close daily interactions.
Damn it, how could he have not noticed?!
However, this was not the time to discuss such matters. Liang Feng’s expression turned even more serious. “Have you ever considered that I have no interest in men?”
Yiyan’s body trembled slightly. “My lord, I know because I witnessed your actions when you executed Magistrate Yan for his unruly behavior.”
He hadn’t mentioned it, and even Liang Feng himself had forgotten. Yes, it was in the Shangdang Prefectural Governor’s residence where he killed Magistrate Yan, who had been overly enthusiastic toward him and took this position. Yiyan was present that day.
Wait a minute. Did Yiyan only realize this complex affection during that time?
This was even more troublesome than he had expected. After a pause, Liang Feng continued, “In that case, wouldn’t it be better to take a step back? I consider you my disciple and confidant. Would it not be a shame to ruin these relationships?”
As soon as the words left his mouth, Liang Feng regretted them. Because the one who had ruined everything was not Yiyan but himself. If it weren’t for that day when his poisoned mind had led to confusion, Yiyan might have buried these feelings for a lifetime and never taken a step beyond the boundary. Unfortunately, due to a twist of fate, everything had turned into a futile endeavor.
A trace of pain flashed in Yiyan’s eyes, and he lowered his head, prostrating himself before Liang Feng. “I can deceive my lord, but I can’t deceive myself. My lord may despise me and humiliate me, but I can’t bear to be apart from my lord.”
His voice was not loud, but every word carried a heavy weight. Liang Feng’s spine tingled with a shiver, “If I can’t stand it, will you leave me?”
Yiyan suddenly lifted his head, his intense gaze fixed firmly on Liang Feng, “I will make it so that my lord cannot abandon me!”
That look was aggressive. In modern times, if a girl encountered a suitor like this, she would probably consider him a stalker and run as far away as possible. But Liang Feng wasn’t a girl. He had been through countless “love affairs,” understanding all the tactics and strategies, but he had never encountered anyone who pursued him with such words and such an attitude. This was no longer a refined and gentlemanly confession; it felt more like hunting and battle, relentless and unyielding.
When he realized this, his heart rate increased slightly. “Fight or flee” is an inherent human instinct, and Liang Feng had never chosen “flight.”
In an instant, he steadied himself. His clenched fist tightened even further, “What is it that makes you so persistent? Is it because of this face? What if I found a more handsome man for you?”
Yiyan’s expression seemed to twitch, a mix of bitterness and pain. His lips quivered for a moment before he spoke, “There will be no one like my lord treating me this way.”
Yes, there won’t be anyone like him anymore. Someone who saw him as a real person, not a barbaric and odd foreigner. From the moment they first met, that person’s attitude had never changed. Not because of his appearance, not because of his status. That was the precious part.
Yiyan didn’t know when he fell in love with the person before him. Perhaps it was the moment their eyes met, destined to be captivated for a lifetime.
Liang Feng fell silent. Convincing someone deeply in love not to love is even more challenging than convincing someone who wants to die not to die. Because love was ultimately the most enchanting thing in the world, capable of giving life or taking it away.
Yiyan, however, didn’t press on further. Instead, he knelt deeply on the ground again and said, “My lord, please don’t worry. I know my boundaries.”
What boundaries? As Liang Feng watched the bowed back, he even felt a touch of sympathy for Yiyan. It really wasn’t fair to him. But as someone involved in this situation, what could Liang Feng do?
Seeing that the person before him remained silent for a long time, Yiyan didn’t speak further. He slowly stood up, just as he had come, and retreated.
When the figure had completely disappeared, Liang Feng finally let out the breath he had been holding in his chest. He had seen same-sex love before and even had a childhood friend with a partner who loved him to the point of being infatuated. They were like any other loving couple, with deep and enduring love that had lasted for over a decade. Liang Feng didn’t discriminate against such love. However, these deep affections, irrespective of gender, had never been a part of Liang Feng’s life plan.
He might have had envy, he might have had admiration, but he was unwilling to truly engage. It’s because he knew he wasn’t the kind of person who could invest his genuine emotions.
Until today.
A slight tremor emerged once again, like the eve of an addiction outbreak. Liang Feng forcefully pressed down on his knees, suppressing what was coming from deep within. Things had already become this complicated; they didn’t need any more disturbances. Since Yiyan claimed to be able to control himself, then perhaps they could proceed with a different approach. Time was the best and the only antidote.
As long as they were given some more time to ease everything, it would be enough.
Slightly weary, Liang Feng slowly closed his eyes.
