I couldn’t bring myself to tell more lies about him. At that moment, my duty and everything else escaped my mind. The sole thought that compelled my tongue and body to act was the need to console Kamian. His tearful confession had struck me with immense impact.
I had vaguely entertained the notion that Kamian would one day confess to me. However, I never imagined it would unfold like this. I believed that the Kamian I knew would calmly reveal his heart, gently as if casting a passing breeze. If not, I would have been the one to confess first with my cunning mind.
“Well, what about me?”
Despite his crying, tears still lingered in his eyes. A large teardrop rolled down his cheek and fell onto my hand with a soft thud.
“You, what?”
“Show me how I can stay by your side.”
“…”
“I can’t even begin to fathom why you suddenly want to leave me. I’ve pondered over it day and night for countless days, but I can’t find an answer. Are you bored? Well, after spending fifteen years together, it’s only natural to feel weary. But I can’t comprehend why you’d abandon me, a mere replacement for Leo, that wretched soul. Even if I were to consider it a thousand times over, it remains beyond my comprehension. You don’t even like his body, his face, or his voice. Why?”
Kamian spoke incessantly, filled with sorrow and injustice, in a tone that could drive one to despair. As he continued to speak, his emotions became more fervent, and in the end, his voice trembled with a desolate resonance, as if he would burst into tears. This deeply pained me, as if my own heart were being torn apart. Not only did Kamian’s face appear fragile, but I also realized that his tears had rendered me utterly defenseless.
With urgency, I gently wiped away the tears that clung to the corners of his eyes.
“Let us talk later, Kamian… later.”
“Why can’t we talk now?”
Kamian looked straight into my eyes, his tear-filled gaze piercing.
“…I don’t know what to say.”
“……”
I spoke sincerely from the depths of my heart. Amidst the confusion in my mind caused not by Kamian’s confession, but by his outpouring of emotions, my tumultuous heart pounded louder than my muddled thoughts. If I were not careful, words like, “I’ll accept your feelings, so please, stop crying,” might slip out of my mouth, irretrievable.
After painfully biting the inside of my cheek until it bled, I mustered the strength to open my mouth through the slight ache.
“I feel cold… Can’t I go home now?”
Kamian stared at me, wordless, his eyes fixed upon mine. As he slowly closed his eyes, the tears that had welled up began to cascade down. When he raised his eyelids again after a moment, I could see a change in his gaze. The boundless weakness that had seemed so pitiable and in need of nurturing had been washed away by his tears.
“Is that your answer to my confession?”
“……”
In the midst of my slight bewilderment at his abrupt change in expression, Kamian helped me up. Before I could move, he meticulously brushed off the dust from my clothes.
“So, it’s not a rejection.”
Although it should have been a rejection… His warm touch as he tidied my hair rendered my lips motionless.
Kamian drew me into his embrace and whispered into my ear.
“…You still don’t have feelings for me?”
“Thanks to your long-lasting care, I can now walk on my own.”
And so, without exchanging a single word, we walked all the way home. I cannot recall how we had dinner, bathed, or even lay down in bed. My body moved mechanically, but my mind wandered elsewhere.
Lying beneath the covers, I gazed at the ceiling. The image of Kamian’s tear-stained face and his voice, which had once declared affection, played repeatedly in my mind.
“Snap out of it. Snap out of it.”
Even as I struck my forehead forcefully, Kamian’s face refused to fade away. I kicked the covers with my feet in frustration.
“Gasp, gasp….”
Not long after, I found myself sprawled on my bed. Despite heaving breaths and gasping for air, the uneasiness in my chest refused to dissipate. How can tears be so beautifully shed? I yearn to shower past me, who once assuredly claimed to remain unperturbed by Kamian’s confession, with reproachful words. What audacity possessed me to approach this situation without preparing my heart?
“Ah, I’m going insane.”
I clenched my face in my hands and rolled on the bed. If I continue to waver like this, I’ll only give Kamian an opportunity. I must fortify my heart and swiftly dismiss his confession.
Unable to fathom finding sleep in this state, I rose from the bed. Seated at my desk, I unfolded a sheet of paper and firmly gripped the pen in my hand, slamming it down.
“Deficit.”
I scribbled down the rejection statement. And I must affix it to my lips, so that the words may spring forth like an automaton when prodded. There’s no sense in simply harbouring a vague intention to reject. Otherwise, I might foolishly seek out Kamian and find myself entangled in aimless ramblings.
However, as ten minutes elapsed, followed by twenty, the only thing I had written was “Kamian,” his name alone. In order to speak, I must summon him, so writing his name is not a misstep.
“How am I to find the words and voice them next?”
I couldn’t bring myself to tell more lies about him. At that moment, my duty and everything else escaped my mind. The sole thought that compelled my tongue and body to act was the need to console Kamian. His tearful confession had struck me with immense impact.
I had vaguely entertained the notion that Kamian would one day confess to me. However, I never imagined it would unfold like this. I believed that the Kamian I knew would calmly reveal his heart, gently as if casting a passing breeze. If not, I would have been the one to confess first with my cunning mind.
“Well, what about me?”
Despite his crying, tears still lingered in his eyes. A large teardrop rolled down his cheek and fell onto my hand with a soft thud.
“You, what?”
“Show me how I can stay by your side.”
“…”
“I can’t even begin to fathom why you suddenly want to leave me. I’ve pondered over it day and night for countless days, but I can’t find an answer. Are you bored? Well, after spending fifteen years together, it’s only natural to feel weary. But I can’t comprehend why you’d abandon me, a mere replacement for Leo, that wretched soul. Even if I were to consider it a thousand times over, it remains beyond my comprehension. You don’t even like his body, his face, or his voice. Why?”
Kamian spoke incessantly, filled with sorrow and injustice, in a tone that could drive one to despair. As he continued to speak, his emotions became more fervent, and in the end, his voice trembled with a desolate resonance, as if he would burst into tears. This deeply pained me, as if my own heart were being torn apart. Not only did Kamian’s face appear fragile, but I also realized that his tears had rendered me utterly defenseless.
With urgency, I gently wiped away the tears that clung to the corners of his eyes.
“Let us talk later, Kamian… later.”
“Why can’t we talk now?”
Kamian looked straight into my eyes, his tear-filled gaze piercing.
“…I don’t know what to say.”
“……”
I spoke sincerely from the depths of my heart. Amidst the confusion in my mind caused not by Kamian’s confession, but by his outpouring of emotions, my tumultuous heart pounded louder than my muddled thoughts. If I were not careful, words like, “I’ll accept your feelings, so please, stop crying,” might slip out of my mouth, irretrievable.
After painfully biting the inside of my cheek until it bled, I mustered the strength to open my mouth through the slight ache.
“I feel cold… Can’t I go home now?”
Kamian stared at me, wordless, his eyes fixed upon mine. As he slowly closed his eyes, the tears that had welled up began to cascade down. When he raised his eyelids again after a moment, I could see a change in his gaze. The boundless weakness that had seemed so pitiable and in need of nurturing had been washed away by his tears.
“Is that your answer to my confession?”
“……”
In the midst of my slight bewilderment at his abrupt change in expression, Kamian helped me up. Before I could move, he meticulously brushed off the dust from my clothes.
“So, it’s not a rejection.”
Although it should have been a rejection… His warm touch as he tidied my hair rendered my lips motionless.
Kamian drew me into his embrace and whispered into my ear.
“…You still don’t have feelings for me?”
“Thanks to your long-lasting care, I can now walk on my own.”
And so, without exchanging a single word, we walked all the way home. I cannot recall how we had dinner, bathed, or even lay down in bed. My body moved mechanically, but my mind wandered elsewhere.
Lying beneath the covers, I gazed at the ceiling. The image of Kamian’s tear-stained face and his voice, which had once declared affection, played repeatedly in my mind.
“Snap out of it. Snap out of it.”
Even as I struck my forehead forcefully, Kamian’s face refused to fade away. I kicked the covers with my feet in frustration.
“Gasp, gasp….”
Not long after, I found myself sprawled on my bed. Despite heaving breaths and gasping for air, the uneasiness in my chest refused to dissipate. How can tears be so beautifully shed? I yearn to shower past me, who once assuredly claimed to remain unperturbed by Kamian’s confession, with reproachful words. What audacity possessed me to approach this situation without preparing my heart?
“Ah, I’m going insane.”
I clenched my face in my hands and rolled on the bed. If I continue to waver like this, I’ll only give Kamian an opportunity. I must fortify my heart and swiftly dismiss his confession.
Unable to fathom finding sleep in this state, I rose from the bed. Seated at my desk, I unfolded a sheet of paper and firmly gripped the pen in my hand, slamming it down.
“Deficit.”
I scribbled down the rejection statement. And I must affix it to my lips, so that the words may spring forth like an automaton when prodded. There’s no sense in simply harbouring a vague intention to reject. Otherwise, I might foolishly seek out Kamian and find myself entangled in aimless ramblings.
However, as ten minutes elapsed, followed by twenty, the only thing I had written was “Kamian,” his name alone. In order to speak, I must summon him, so writing his name is not a misstep.
“How am I to find the words and voice them next?”
