Debra nonchalantly spoke, discreetly wiping the underside of her nose with the back of her hand. Yet, the act of merely wiping couldn’t bear the weight of the blood, so she dabbed it with her sleeve and raised one arm, pressing her nose against her shoulder.
Debra’s brown irises remained fixed on my face, swollen and piercing. The sight of her slightly parted lips filled me with a growing unease. Why won’t it stop? Compulsively, I continued to swipe beneath my nose, and then a bloodied wrist was seized. Debra led me to the bathroom.
“Never tilt your head back, cleanse with water. I’ll bring a clean cloth soon.”
Left alone in the bathroom, I poured water onto my hands, wiping around my nose and mouth. The rich crimson hue diluted with the water and stained my hands.
“Ah…”
My hands trembled uncontrollably. Why is this happening? I tried to force it to stop, but instead, the trembling intensified. The water, imbued with the cold of winter, chilled my hands to a fiery redness. It was the coldness of the water.
In an attempt to calm my wildly beating heart, which throbbed like a person consumed by fear, I took deep breaths. Then, deliberately, I poured the water forcefully, splashing it over my entire face. Even as the cold water washed over me, the indescribable unease refused to dissipate. Pull yourself together. It’s nothing. I tried to console myself, but an unsettling fear, reluctant to be acknowledged, climbed up my spine.
“Ahem… [Cough, cough]”
Suddenly, my throat began to burn, and I could no longer contain the uncontrollable, fiery cough that erupted. It was a violent cough that made my body sway heavily. My vision darkened, and my dry stomach churned relentlessly, expelling coughs without respite.
“Liv!”
Debra returned to the bathroom and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, lifting the veil that had obscured my vision. Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my sight. My hands, unbeknownst to me, were already resting on the bathroom floor, their backs and the floor stained with blood.
I should tell Debra I’m fine, reassure her not to worry, but the coughing simply wouldn’t cease. Furthermore, the excruciating agony, akin to my prayers and lungs tearing apart, weakened me and turned me into a coward.
Thrashing in agony like this, the thought that I could die in an instant continuously gnawed at me, while an overwhelmingly paralyzing terror, more unbearable than the physical pain, consumed me completely.
“Liv, my dear..”
“[Cough] [Ugh]”
Debra gently stroked my back, searching for relief. I clung to her with all my strength, finding solace in the warmth she offered. It was frightening. The façade I had tried so hard to maintain crumbled in an instant. It was a pain substantial enough to be concealed. I had convinced myself that I was still fine, but in truth, I was far from fine.
With blood-soaked hands, I embraced Debra’s waist. As she held me, her voice trembling, she continuously offered prayers to the heavens.
Fortunately… it seems my fate was not to die in Debra’s embrace in the bathroom. The coughing was subsiding.
However, instead of relief, I expelled ragged breaths within Debra’s embrace. I realized with utmost clarity that my remaining lifespan flickered like an unstable fluorescent light, on the verge of flickering out abruptly. It felt undeniably vivid.
Debra lifted my upper body slightly and cautiously wiped my face with a clean cloth. Her wrinkled hand quivered faintly. Clutching her hand tightly with both of mine, I struggled to speak.
“…What should I do, Debra?”
Tears that had been welling up cascaded down my cheeks, trembling and falling onto my skin.
“My body is in excruciating pain.”
Even though it would have startled Debra, I loathed myself for uttering such feeble words. Yet, if I didn’t release this fear, if I didn’t have even this warmth slipping through my two hands, it felt as though I would suffocate in this very dread.
Gentle Debra embraced me silently. I buried my face in her shoulder and whispered words that were on the verge of breaking.
“Why… Why does it hurt so much? What should I… What should I do? [Sob] Debra… What should I do?”
As I gasped for breath, Debra slowly caressed my head. Unable to hold back any longer, I broke down and wept uncontrollably. All the frail emotions I had been wrestling with in the darkness surged forth at once.
“I’m scared, so scared, Debra.”
“My dear.”
The inevitable conclusion is terrifying. The thought of my own death, it’s horrific aftermath for Kamian, and the possibility of Kamian living a life of perpetual torment. It frightens me. Frankly, I have no confidence in preventing any of this. I sobbed and poured out my tears like a desperate plea.
“I… I can’t do it. It’s too dreadful.”
Weeping pitifully for a while, I gradually felt my strength waning and my head spinning. Debra held me close, providing me with her warm embrace for a long time. With my last ounce of strength, I pulled Debra’s body tightly against mine. Consciousness was slipping away. Just before sinking into oblivion, I suddenly remembered Debra’s inquiry about her post-graduation future. The fact that I hadn’t uttered the delusional desire to live like this gave me a small consolation.
If I had spoken those words, Debra, unaware of the true nature of my foolishness, would have spent the night in tears.
* * *
Debra nonchalantly spoke, discreetly wiping the underside of her nose with the back of her hand. Yet, the act of merely wiping couldn’t bear the weight of the blood, so she dabbed it with her sleeve and raised one arm, pressing her nose against her shoulder.
Debra’s brown irises remained fixed on my face, swollen and piercing. The sight of her slightly parted lips filled me with a growing unease. Why won’t it stop? Compulsively, I continued to swipe beneath my nose, and then a bloodied wrist was seized. Debra led me to the bathroom.
“Never tilt your head back, cleanse with water. I’ll bring a clean cloth soon.”
Left alone in the bathroom, I poured water onto my hands, wiping around my nose and mouth. The rich crimson hue diluted with the water and stained my hands.
“Ah…”
My hands trembled uncontrollably. Why is this happening? I tried to force it to stop, but instead, the trembling intensified. The water, imbued with the cold of winter, chilled my hands to a fiery redness. It was the coldness of the water.
In an attempt to calm my wildly beating heart, which throbbed like a person consumed by fear, I took deep breaths. Then, deliberately, I poured the water forcefully, splashing it over my entire face. Even as the cold water washed over me, the indescribable unease refused to dissipate. Pull yourself together. It’s nothing. I tried to console myself, but an unsettling fear, reluctant to be acknowledged, climbed up my spine.
“Ahem… [Cough, cough]”
Suddenly, my throat began to burn, and I could no longer contain the uncontrollable, fiery cough that erupted. It was a violent cough that made my body sway heavily. My vision darkened, and my dry stomach churned relentlessly, expelling coughs without respite.
“Liv!”
Debra returned to the bathroom and wrapped her arms around my shoulders, lifting the veil that had obscured my vision. Tears welled up in my eyes, blurring my sight. My hands, unbeknownst to me, were already resting on the bathroom floor, their backs and the floor stained with blood.
I should tell Debra I’m fine, reassure her not to worry, but the coughing simply wouldn’t cease. Furthermore, the excruciating agony, akin to my prayers and lungs tearing apart, weakened me and turned me into a coward.
Thrashing in agony like this, the thought that I could die in an instant continuously gnawed at me, while an overwhelmingly paralyzing terror, more unbearable than the physical pain, consumed me completely.
“Liv, my dear..”
“[Cough] [Ugh]”
Debra gently stroked my back, searching for relief. I clung to her with all my strength, finding solace in the warmth she offered. It was frightening. The façade I had tried so hard to maintain crumbled in an instant. It was a pain substantial enough to be concealed. I had convinced myself that I was still fine, but in truth, I was far from fine.
With blood-soaked hands, I embraced Debra’s waist. As she held me, her voice trembling, she continuously offered prayers to the heavens.
Fortunately… it seems my fate was not to die in Debra’s embrace in the bathroom. The coughing was subsiding.
However, instead of relief, I expelled ragged breaths within Debra’s embrace. I realized with utmost clarity that my remaining lifespan flickered like an unstable fluorescent light, on the verge of flickering out abruptly. It felt undeniably vivid.
Debra lifted my upper body slightly and cautiously wiped my face with a clean cloth. Her wrinkled hand quivered faintly. Clutching her hand tightly with both of mine, I struggled to speak.
“…What should I do, Debra?”
Tears that had been welling up cascaded down my cheeks, trembling and falling onto my skin.
“My body is in excruciating pain.”
Even though it would have startled Debra, I loathed myself for uttering such feeble words. Yet, if I didn’t release this fear, if I didn’t have even this warmth slipping through my two hands, it felt as though I would suffocate in this very dread.
Gentle Debra embraced me silently. I buried my face in her shoulder and whispered words that were on the verge of breaking.
“Why… Why does it hurt so much? What should I… What should I do? [Sob] Debra… What should I do?”
As I gasped for breath, Debra slowly caressed my head. Unable to hold back any longer, I broke down and wept uncontrollably. All the frail emotions I had been wrestling with in the darkness surged forth at once.
“I’m scared, so scared, Debra.”
“My dear.”
The inevitable conclusion is terrifying. The thought of my own death, it’s horrific aftermath for Kamian, and the possibility of Kamian living a life of perpetual torment. It frightens me. Frankly, I have no confidence in preventing any of this. I sobbed and poured out my tears like a desperate plea.
“I… I can’t do it. It’s too dreadful.”
Weeping pitifully for a while, I gradually felt my strength waning and my head spinning. Debra held me close, providing me with her warm embrace for a long time. With my last ounce of strength, I pulled Debra’s body tightly against mine. Consciousness was slipping away. Just before sinking into oblivion, I suddenly remembered Debra’s inquiry about her post-graduation future. The fact that I hadn’t uttered the delusional desire to live like this gave me a small consolation.
If I had spoken those words, Debra, unaware of the true nature of my foolishness, would have spent the night in tears.
* * *
