I gazed upon the peacefully slumbering handsome face next to the bed, fervently praying to every deity imaginable, begging them to erase Kamian’s memory. Such was the intensity of my desire that it even compelled me to entertain the thought of making another contract with a different demon, not just Kamian. Whether there existed a demon powerful enough to wield the memories of the supreme being in the cosmos was uncertain.
“… ”
Even if I were to forget about yesterday and pretend it never happened, this insatiable creature of desire, my flesh, unabashedly ignited once again.
The sensation of Kamian’s lofty and refined nose brushing against the space beneath me resurfaced in my mind. Not only that, I could not forget how their usually austere and conservative lips imprinted fiery blossoms all over my body, nor the rough exhalation that escaped their clenched teeth. Even the black hair that trembled with every movement and the ears that blushed slightly… I remembered them all.
I’m going insane. My heart raced once again. Even if Kamian were to claim they had no recollection of yesterday’s events, their reaction to my slightest change would undoubtedly reveal that something indeed transpired. If Kamian, who never missed a single one of my subtle shifts and was adept at catching them, saw this, they would undoubtedly know.
“Are you going to keep staring?”
“… ”
For a moment, I thought my heart had leaped out of my mouth. Without showing any signs of waking up, Kamian, who only emitted soft breaths, suddenly opened their mouth. Their eyes remained gently closed.
“If that’s the case, pretend to keep sleeping.”
“… I didn’t stare.”
“Is that so?”
There was no trace of drowsiness in their movement as they rose from the bed. They brushed aside their dishevelled hair and glanced down at me.
“Your gaze was so intense that I thought it would pierce through my skin.”
“There’s no need for self-consciousness… Ah.”
As I tried to rise from the bed like Kamian, a sharp pain struck my lower back. Kamian stiffened their face and pulled away the blanket without asking why, pressing firmly against my pelvis with the appropriate force.
“Rest well today. I’ll tell you if it hurts.”
In that moment, my fervent prayers were reduced to mere bubbles. Kamian remembered everything that happened yesterday.
Since then, encountering Kamian has become extremely uncomfortable. Even when they were not by my side, the weighty sensation that had once entered beneath me lingered in my mind. But when Kamian was before me, my ability to carry out daily life was paralyzed to the point where it seemed impossible. The chaotic moans and the vivid sound of flesh colliding incessantly resurfaced, tormenting me.
I responded briefly to any attempts at conversation and refrained from engaging in prolonged dialogue, using the excuse of pain to avoid leaving the room.
And so, two aimless days passed.
Debra and Jex occasionally visited my room. They seemed to sense that there was something between Kamian and me, even if it was just a minor disagreement. Debra, in her wisdom, lectured me, “It is not wise to be ensnared by fleeting emotions. Most relationships can be restored through dialogue.” I couldn’t possibly ask Debra and Jex, “I had intense s*x with Kamian, what should I do?” So, I simply nodded my head.
Due to my habit of having meals at regular times for the sake of my health, even my navel clock chimed when it was time to eat.
However, I couldn’t bear to sit at the same table as Kamian, so for the past couple of days, I went down to the kitchen after every meal with my heels lifted.
“I’m starving.”
Once again, I wrapped my hungry stomach and waited for time to pass. But the door swung open without a knock. Kamian, who I had been avoiding all this time, entered my territory with his long legs spread like a lawless outlaw.
I stared at him in astonishment.
Kamian placed a steaming bowl of soup on the table and perched himself on the edge of the bed. Without uttering a word, he stared fixedly below my face. When I cleared my throat, he finally met my gaze.
“How are you feeling?”
That was what he said so bluntly. I averted my eyes without responding.
“…What.”
“Your emotions. What do you feel when you see me? How do you want me to act?”
“What about your feelings?”
“My feelings don’t matter. You are what’s important.”
I clutched the blanket as if it were a shield. I knew that evading wasn’t the solution. However, unlike my head, my confused heart wouldn’t calm down easily.
If only I could receive advice from someone close by, it would be ideal. Unfortunately, my closest friend and family happened to be Kamian himself. It dawned on me, and along with a sense of betrayal, my already somber mood turned even gloomier.
But even so… I couldn’t keep lingering in this ambiguous relationship with Kamian indefinitely. It’s not like we won’t see each other anymore, and he’s Kamian after all. If I were to continue avoiding him even in a situation like this, our relationship would inevitably turn cold and distant. I needed to say something.
As I carefully chose my words in my mind, Kamian, interpreting my silence differently, let out a heavy sigh.
Then he walked towards the desk and opened a drawer. Inside, there was a dagger that Kamian had left there at some point.
Kamian handed me the dagger and said, “Stab me.”
I furrowed my brow, not accepting the dagger.
“What?”
“I am practicing.”
“What kind of practice?”
“Practice to prepare for when I go crazy and charge again.”
I was the one who had gone crazy and charged first. However, Kamian looked like he was being treated worse than an animal, with a pained expression on his face.
“Get rid of that.”
“If you try it once, it will be easier from then on. It wasn’t right to just give you the sword without any practice. I was too careless.”
“I clearly told you. Get rid of it. You have no reason to be hurt.”
There was a strange atmosphere emanating from Kamian. His deep-set eyes seemed to be holding back something. We had argued for various reasons before, but he had never shown such a confrontational spirit like now.
I gazed upon the peacefully slumbering handsome face next to the bed, fervently praying to every deity imaginable, begging them to erase Kamian’s memory. Such was the intensity of my desire that it even compelled me to entertain the thought of making another contract with a different demon, not just Kamian. Whether there existed a demon powerful enough to wield the memories of the supreme being in the cosmos was uncertain.
“… ”
Even if I were to forget about yesterday and pretend it never happened, this insatiable creature of desire, my flesh, unabashedly ignited once again.
The sensation of Kamian’s lofty and refined nose brushing against the space beneath me resurfaced in my mind. Not only that, I could not forget how their usually austere and conservative lips imprinted fiery blossoms all over my body, nor the rough exhalation that escaped their clenched teeth. Even the black hair that trembled with every movement and the ears that blushed slightly… I remembered them all.
I’m going insane. My heart raced once again. Even if Kamian were to claim they had no recollection of yesterday’s events, their reaction to my slightest change would undoubtedly reveal that something indeed transpired. If Kamian, who never missed a single one of my subtle shifts and was adept at catching them, saw this, they would undoubtedly know.
“Are you going to keep staring?”
“… ”
For a moment, I thought my heart had leaped out of my mouth. Without showing any signs of waking up, Kamian, who only emitted soft breaths, suddenly opened their mouth. Their eyes remained gently closed.
“If that’s the case, pretend to keep sleeping.”
“… I didn’t stare.”
“Is that so?”
There was no trace of drowsiness in their movement as they rose from the bed. They brushed aside their dishevelled hair and glanced down at me.
“Your gaze was so intense that I thought it would pierce through my skin.”
“There’s no need for self-consciousness… Ah.”
As I tried to rise from the bed like Kamian, a sharp pain struck my lower back. Kamian stiffened their face and pulled away the blanket without asking why, pressing firmly against my pelvis with the appropriate force.
“Rest well today. I’ll tell you if it hurts.”
In that moment, my fervent prayers were reduced to mere bubbles. Kamian remembered everything that happened yesterday.
Since then, encountering Kamian has become extremely uncomfortable. Even when they were not by my side, the weighty sensation that had once entered beneath me lingered in my mind. But when Kamian was before me, my ability to carry out daily life was paralyzed to the point where it seemed impossible. The chaotic moans and the vivid sound of flesh colliding incessantly resurfaced, tormenting me.
I responded briefly to any attempts at conversation and refrained from engaging in prolonged dialogue, using the excuse of pain to avoid leaving the room.
And so, two aimless days passed.
Debra and Jex occasionally visited my room. They seemed to sense that there was something between Kamian and me, even if it was just a minor disagreement. Debra, in her wisdom, lectured me, “It is not wise to be ensnared by fleeting emotions. Most relationships can be restored through dialogue.” I couldn’t possibly ask Debra and Jex, “I had intense s*x with Kamian, what should I do?” So, I simply nodded my head.
Due to my habit of having meals at regular times for the sake of my health, even my navel clock chimed when it was time to eat.
However, I couldn’t bear to sit at the same table as Kamian, so for the past couple of days, I went down to the kitchen after every meal with my heels lifted.
“I’m starving.”
Once again, I wrapped my hungry stomach and waited for time to pass. But the door swung open without a knock. Kamian, who I had been avoiding all this time, entered my territory with his long legs spread like a lawless outlaw.
I stared at him in astonishment.
Kamian placed a steaming bowl of soup on the table and perched himself on the edge of the bed. Without uttering a word, he stared fixedly below my face. When I cleared my throat, he finally met my gaze.
“How are you feeling?”
That was what he said so bluntly. I averted my eyes without responding.
“…What.”
“Your emotions. What do you feel when you see me? How do you want me to act?”
“What about your feelings?”
“My feelings don’t matter. You are what’s important.”
I clutched the blanket as if it were a shield. I knew that evading wasn’t the solution. However, unlike my head, my confused heart wouldn’t calm down easily.
If only I could receive advice from someone close by, it would be ideal. Unfortunately, my closest friend and family happened to be Kamian himself. It dawned on me, and along with a sense of betrayal, my already somber mood turned even gloomier.
But even so… I couldn’t keep lingering in this ambiguous relationship with Kamian indefinitely. It’s not like we won’t see each other anymore, and he’s Kamian after all. If I were to continue avoiding him even in a situation like this, our relationship would inevitably turn cold and distant. I needed to say something.
As I carefully chose my words in my mind, Kamian, interpreting my silence differently, let out a heavy sigh.
Then he walked towards the desk and opened a drawer. Inside, there was a dagger that Kamian had left there at some point.
Kamian handed me the dagger and said, “Stab me.”
I furrowed my brow, not accepting the dagger.
“What?”
“I am practicing.”
“What kind of practice?”
“Practice to prepare for when I go crazy and charge again.”
I was the one who had gone crazy and charged first. However, Kamian looked like he was being treated worse than an animal, with a pained expression on his face.
“Get rid of that.”
“If you try it once, it will be easier from then on. It wasn’t right to just give you the sword without any practice. I was too careless.”
“I clearly told you. Get rid of it. You have no reason to be hurt.”
There was a strange atmosphere emanating from Kamian. His deep-set eyes seemed to be holding back something. We had argued for various reasons before, but he had never shown such a confrontational spirit like now.
