“Then what should I do?”
“….”
A low voice cuts sharply.
“I will do everything you tell me to do. If I have to kneel down and beg, I will. If I have to be hit, I will. I may live the rest of my life as a sinner.”
“….”
Contrary to his words, his eyes were filled with a fierce light. It felt like forcing a wild animal that had not been tamed into wearing a leash.
“But don’t try to avoid it like this.”
And I was not the one holding the leash. The leash was tightly wrapped around my wrist, and no matter how hard I tried to untie it, it only tightened even more, making it impossible to escape.
I must not nod obediently here. Even if the relationship in front of me improves right now, the knot of this leash that is tied to my hand would only become tighter and more unyielding. He must not develop any obsessive feelings towards me.
I calmed my stained heart in confusion and calmly turned my head.
Let’s seize this opportunity. The more desperately Kamian begs for my heart, the more indifferent I should be in my begging.
Don’t overdo it. To Kamian, who tries to gain my attention with childish teasing, indifference would be a deeper wound than any weapon.
Yes, let’s become the worst person in the world. Let’s set him free even if he himself unties the leash. Even if Kamian pours curses at me in anger, it can’t be helped.
I straightened my neck and spoke calmly. It was truly fortunate that my voice did not tremble.
“Kamian, why are you kneeling down? S*x is just s*x.”
I gently covered the back of his hand. As I softly caressed his tense muscles and bones, I added,
“Just because we have had s*x, does it mean our relationship will change? The reason I avoided you wasn’t a big deal; I just didn’t want to feel like doing it again. But I thought my body wouldn’t be able to endure it anymore. You know that. I shouldn’t push myself.”
Kamian showed no reaction. I thought his icy sigh would explode at my audacity in laying the bait so shamelessly, but his lips remained firmly sealed.
I had succumbed to Kamian’s façade and spent the night with him, but it was a gesture of utmost innocence on his part. It was only fitting that I felt a pang of guilt for suggesting that he was merely an instrument for self-gratification.
Silence and tension weighed heavily upon us. I wished for a scornful gaze instead. Just as his feigned composure was about to crumble, a resonant, solemn tone reached my ears.
“So, I’m supposed to get erect whenever you desire?”
Despite his composed gaze, his voice seemed devoid of strength, as if all the sinews had been severed. I pressed the palm of my hand with my nails, revelling in the faint pain, and smiled gently.
“Would that satisfy you?”
* * *
I had my first nightmare, a nightmare that was as haunting as nightmares can be.
Upon opening my eyes, the excruciating pain in my body was so unbearable that I found myself yearning to escape into the nightmare rather than face the agony that awaited me. It was a sentiment I had often entertained, but this time, I solemnly swore, it was the first of its kind.
In my dream, I was strolling along a beach where golden sand stretched out in a picturesque panorama. The sensation of the azure waves crashing against my bare feet felt vividly real. The waves unleashed a pearl in front of me before dissipating into nothingness. Tempted by its mesmerizing radiance, I reached out to pick it up, only for the pearl to mischievously roll away.
A realization surged through my mind, urging me not to let it slip away. Yet, no matter how much I reached out, the pearl eluded my grasp, causing frustration to well up within me.
Before I knew it, I regained consciousness, finding myself submerged deep in the ocean. The radiant sunlight that had once bathed me had vanished, and I was relentlessly pulled into the dark depths of the abyss.
An impenetrable darkness, devoid of even a glimmer of light. A never-ending descent.
I struggled with all my might, but an irresistible force gripped my ankles. In an instant, my vision was engulfed in crimson. Through my nostrils and mouth, and every orifice of my body, the relentless surge of red poured in. It was blood.
As I was consumed by extreme terror and astonishment, the only pearl I failed to grasp shimmered brightly, undisturbed.
“Ugh, ugh.”
Startled, my frightened eyes flickered open, and I frantically reached out my arm. I blindly grasped whatever I could and pulled it close to me.
“Then what should I do?”
“….”
A low voice cuts sharply.
“I will do everything you tell me to do. If I have to kneel down and beg, I will. If I have to be hit, I will. I may live the rest of my life as a sinner.”
“….”
Contrary to his words, his eyes were filled with a fierce light. It felt like forcing a wild animal that had not been tamed into wearing a leash.
“But don’t try to avoid it like this.”
And I was not the one holding the leash. The leash was tightly wrapped around my wrist, and no matter how hard I tried to untie it, it only tightened even more, making it impossible to escape.
I must not nod obediently here. Even if the relationship in front of me improves right now, the knot of this leash that is tied to my hand would only become tighter and more unyielding. He must not develop any obsessive feelings towards me.
I calmed my stained heart in confusion and calmly turned my head.
Let’s seize this opportunity. The more desperately Kamian begs for my heart, the more indifferent I should be in my begging.
Don’t overdo it. To Kamian, who tries to gain my attention with childish teasing, indifference would be a deeper wound than any weapon.
Yes, let’s become the worst person in the world. Let’s set him free even if he himself unties the leash. Even if Kamian pours curses at me in anger, it can’t be helped.
I straightened my neck and spoke calmly. It was truly fortunate that my voice did not tremble.
“Kamian, why are you kneeling down? S*x is just s*x.”
I gently covered the back of his hand. As I softly caressed his tense muscles and bones, I added,
“Just because we have had s*x, does it mean our relationship will change? The reason I avoided you wasn’t a big deal; I just didn’t want to feel like doing it again. But I thought my body wouldn’t be able to endure it anymore. You know that. I shouldn’t push myself.”
Kamian showed no reaction. I thought his icy sigh would explode at my audacity in laying the bait so shamelessly, but his lips remained firmly sealed.
I had succumbed to Kamian’s façade and spent the night with him, but it was a gesture of utmost innocence on his part. It was only fitting that I felt a pang of guilt for suggesting that he was merely an instrument for self-gratification.
Silence and tension weighed heavily upon us. I wished for a scornful gaze instead. Just as his feigned composure was about to crumble, a resonant, solemn tone reached my ears.
“So, I’m supposed to get erect whenever you desire?”
Despite his composed gaze, his voice seemed devoid of strength, as if all the sinews had been severed. I pressed the palm of my hand with my nails, revelling in the faint pain, and smiled gently.
“Would that satisfy you?”
* * *
I had my first nightmare, a nightmare that was as haunting as nightmares can be.
Upon opening my eyes, the excruciating pain in my body was so unbearable that I found myself yearning to escape into the nightmare rather than face the agony that awaited me. It was a sentiment I had often entertained, but this time, I solemnly swore, it was the first of its kind.
In my dream, I was strolling along a beach where golden sand stretched out in a picturesque panorama. The sensation of the azure waves crashing against my bare feet felt vividly real. The waves unleashed a pearl in front of me before dissipating into nothingness. Tempted by its mesmerizing radiance, I reached out to pick it up, only for the pearl to mischievously roll away.
A realization surged through my mind, urging me not to let it slip away. Yet, no matter how much I reached out, the pearl eluded my grasp, causing frustration to well up within me.
Before I knew it, I regained consciousness, finding myself submerged deep in the ocean. The radiant sunlight that had once bathed me had vanished, and I was relentlessly pulled into the dark depths of the abyss.
An impenetrable darkness, devoid of even a glimmer of light. A never-ending descent.
I struggled with all my might, but an irresistible force gripped my ankles. In an instant, my vision was engulfed in crimson. Through my nostrils and mouth, and every orifice of my body, the relentless surge of red poured in. It was blood.
As I was consumed by extreme terror and astonishment, the only pearl I failed to grasp shimmered brightly, undisturbed.
“Ugh, ugh.”
Startled, my frightened eyes flickered open, and I frantically reached out my arm. I blindly grasped whatever I could and pulled it close to me.
