Tessa, whose dream was to become a designer, had always talked about heading to the capital right after graduating from the academy. I merely offered my support, never once mentioning my own dreams.
It was natural because I had no future called “post-graduation from the academy.”
I had only one goal: to prevent the corruption of Kamian. I lived within those boundaries, but someone unexpectedly opened the gate. However,
“I feel weary.”
“What? Why?”
Yet, I couldn’t take a single step outside the fence.
“It’s especially difficult for me during winter. My body becomes frail, and even venturing a little beyond my home is challenging. If I were to go to the capital, I’d have to ride a carriage for at least a week… I won’t be able to endure it.”
It was all because of this feeble body that prevented me from mapping out my future.
Tessa’s face sank, with all those thoughts flooding her mind. Her eyes moved hesitantly, as if she was choosing words of consolation.
“And I truly enjoy being at home. Going far away is bothersome.”
“I will make sure to buy gifts that are exclusively available in the capital.”
“Don’t forget your words. I will remember.”
Seeing Tessa freely dream about the future and work towards realizing it, an odd sensation gripped my chest. It was a feeling I had no need for whatsoever. All I had to do was stop Kamian’s corruption. Building today to shape tomorrow was a futile endeavor for me. So, it was only fitting to stomp down any foolish envy under the sturdy soles of my shoes. May it never resurface again.
* * *
On certain nights, the fear of death would grip me so intensely that I couldn’t fall asleep. It wasn’t the physical pain of dying that frightened me, but rather the thought of my rationality vanishing into nothingness after death, sending shivers down my spine.
Time, incessantly flowing, where does my rationality come to rest? Is it swallowed up by the abyss of profound darkness when my consciousness is abruptly severed like an electric current snapped out?
When my friends would gather and express their desires to live a short and robust life, I would steadfastly declare that I would live until the very moment my life became nothing but smudges on the walls. The time after death was too obscure and terrifying.
The true source of my fear of death was my appendix surgery. The terror of anaesthesia haunted me far longer than the pain of a burst appendix. It was a memory abruptly severed, like being cleanly cut with scissors.
When I opened my eyes, all the surgeries were over, and my mind was left with a dark void. It was then that the thought struck me: that void was death itself.
It couldn’t be anything other than a terrifying experience. I am undeniably alive, moving my fingers and toes, yet when faced with death, I will linger endlessly, eternally, in the black void.
If only I could avoid death, I would go to any lengths to do so. However, the eternal teenager I once was had suddenly graduated from college, and time, carrying death upon its shoulders, advanced steadily.
“Cough, cough!”
Pressing my lips tightly with the back of my hand, I pushed open the window. [Creak]. The rusty latch emitted an eerie creaking sound as it scraped against the dimly lit room. Despite the fierce wind rushing in, I opened the door wider. Then, with swift movements, I flipped the blanket over my head, covering myself completely.
A fit of coughing erupted. I wished for the sound of my throat being scratched to remain unheard by Kamian, beyond the wall. I didn’t want to wake him up with a few mere coughs. Why is it that worries are so abundant, even though my appearance suggests otherwise? If I were to make a single sound of illness, he would kick off the blanket and come running.
I anxiously waited for the coughing to subside.
Lately, my body has been running a constant fever, and my cough has become more frequent. I worried that I might become seriously ill and bedridden like last time. But with the harvest season’s workload and the weather gradually turning chilly, I reassured myself that it was just a mild cold that could easily come and go.
There was no other reason for my health to deteriorate unless… a sinister thought crawled into my mind, pricking at my sensitive nerves. But no, it couldn’t be.
“The idea of Liv’s impending death, it’s absurd.”
If that were the case, the time I could live as Liv would not exceed half a year. Half a year. In an instant, I felt a heavy pang as if an additional heart was forcefully thrashing inside me. Not only was it an outrageously short period of time to prevent Kamian’s corruption, but it would also render my 15 years of striving as Liv instantly futile, turning them into mere ashes.
“…It was an excessive imagination.”
With just a few coughs, I quickly cleared my mind before the impending dread engulfed me entirely. I even envisioned folding and tossing it into the roaring flames of an incinerator.
“Winter, you say? Once spring arrives, all shall be well again,” he reassured.
Tessa, whose dream was to become a designer, had always talked about heading to the capital right after graduating from the academy. I merely offered my support, never once mentioning my own dreams.
It was natural because I had no future called “post-graduation from the academy.”
I had only one goal: to prevent the corruption of Kamian. I lived within those boundaries, but someone unexpectedly opened the gate. However,
“I feel weary.”
“What? Why?”
Yet, I couldn’t take a single step outside the fence.
“It’s especially difficult for me during winter. My body becomes frail, and even venturing a little beyond my home is challenging. If I were to go to the capital, I’d have to ride a carriage for at least a week… I won’t be able to endure it.”
It was all because of this feeble body that prevented me from mapping out my future.
Tessa’s face sank, with all those thoughts flooding her mind. Her eyes moved hesitantly, as if she was choosing words of consolation.
“And I truly enjoy being at home. Going far away is bothersome.”
“I will make sure to buy gifts that are exclusively available in the capital.”
“Don’t forget your words. I will remember.”
Seeing Tessa freely dream about the future and work towards realizing it, an odd sensation gripped my chest. It was a feeling I had no need for whatsoever. All I had to do was stop Kamian’s corruption. Building today to shape tomorrow was a futile endeavor for me. So, it was only fitting to stomp down any foolish envy under the sturdy soles of my shoes. May it never resurface again.
* * *
On certain nights, the fear of death would grip me so intensely that I couldn’t fall asleep. It wasn’t the physical pain of dying that frightened me, but rather the thought of my rationality vanishing into nothingness after death, sending shivers down my spine.
Time, incessantly flowing, where does my rationality come to rest? Is it swallowed up by the abyss of profound darkness when my consciousness is abruptly severed like an electric current snapped out?
When my friends would gather and express their desires to live a short and robust life, I would steadfastly declare that I would live until the very moment my life became nothing but smudges on the walls. The time after death was too obscure and terrifying.
The true source of my fear of death was my appendix surgery. The terror of anaesthesia haunted me far longer than the pain of a burst appendix. It was a memory abruptly severed, like being cleanly cut with scissors.
When I opened my eyes, all the surgeries were over, and my mind was left with a dark void. It was then that the thought struck me: that void was death itself.
It couldn’t be anything other than a terrifying experience. I am undeniably alive, moving my fingers and toes, yet when faced with death, I will linger endlessly, eternally, in the black void.
If only I could avoid death, I would go to any lengths to do so. However, the eternal teenager I once was had suddenly graduated from college, and time, carrying death upon its shoulders, advanced steadily.
“Cough, cough!”
Pressing my lips tightly with the back of my hand, I pushed open the window. [Creak]. The rusty latch emitted an eerie creaking sound as it scraped against the dimly lit room. Despite the fierce wind rushing in, I opened the door wider. Then, with swift movements, I flipped the blanket over my head, covering myself completely.
A fit of coughing erupted. I wished for the sound of my throat being scratched to remain unheard by Kamian, beyond the wall. I didn’t want to wake him up with a few mere coughs. Why is it that worries are so abundant, even though my appearance suggests otherwise? If I were to make a single sound of illness, he would kick off the blanket and come running.
I anxiously waited for the coughing to subside.
Lately, my body has been running a constant fever, and my cough has become more frequent. I worried that I might become seriously ill and bedridden like last time. But with the harvest season’s workload and the weather gradually turning chilly, I reassured myself that it was just a mild cold that could easily come and go.
There was no other reason for my health to deteriorate unless… a sinister thought crawled into my mind, pricking at my sensitive nerves. But no, it couldn’t be.
“The idea of Liv’s impending death, it’s absurd.”
If that were the case, the time I could live as Liv would not exceed half a year. Half a year. In an instant, I felt a heavy pang as if an additional heart was forcefully thrashing inside me. Not only was it an outrageously short period of time to prevent Kamian’s corruption, but it would also render my 15 years of striving as Liv instantly futile, turning them into mere ashes.
“…It was an excessive imagination.”
With just a few coughs, I quickly cleared my mind before the impending dread engulfed me entirely. I even envisioned folding and tossing it into the roaring flames of an incinerator.
“Winter, you say? Once spring arrives, all shall be well again,” he reassured.
