Was it satisfactory?”
His firmly sealed lips were reluctant to part. What other thoughts could be occupying his mind? As I refrained from urging and maintained my silence, Kamian roughly ran his hand through his hair.
“Does it even matter?”
His voice trembled heavily. Though Kamian pretended to wear an unaffected expression, the joints of his clenched fist protruded with force. Perhaps I should taunt him a little more.
“Oh, indeed, you are a splendid tool for self-pleasure. I feel gratified to have chosen you.”
“I’m supposed to feel gratified that you chose me?”
He retorted with a twisted face. I was slightly taken aback by his unexpectedly fierce reaction. What triggered his anger, even though he hadn’t flinched at my provocations? I widened my eyes and gazed at Kamian. He exhaled a long breath, as if suppressing something.
Then, in a dry tone, he muttered softly.
“I am defective. Just discard me.”
Even though he positioned himself as a tool, he went as far as to ask me to discard him. I couldn’t believe my ears, even though I heard it directly.
I pondered calmly about the meaning of “throw me away.” The decision to take offense or not was still in my hands, considering the beseeching tone. In other words, if I were to decline, it meant I would be reluctantly offered, expressing that the affection towards me had not yet cooled.
However, the question here was why he considered himself a defective product.
“What are you talking about?” she asked, tapping her index finger fiercely against her Adam’s apple.
“It’s broken here. It’s not functioning properly,” she said.
“….”
“I asked if you liked it. Ah, it was infuriatingly good. Did you not notice how my eyes were fixated on you even more?” she spat out her reproachful words resolutely.
“There’s no need to contemplate. I am utterly broken, unable to even lift a finger. When I see you, I feel nothing but self-loathing like a beast begging for mercy.”
Somehow, Kamian seemed pitiful. Was this how love labelled oneself as defective and caused such intense self-hatred?
I yearned to caress his face, wanting to constantly whisper to him that he was not defective, wanting to place a piece of candy in his hand. But soothing Kamian here would be a cruel detonator, distorting the future.
My task was to torment the wounded Kamian even more painfully. To make him suffer at the mere thought of my face.
Yet, my heart grew uneasy. Stay composed, I told myself. Even when I lashed myself with a metaphorical whip, my heart kept unravelling.
“Kamian, my head hurts.”
The frozen gaze regained its color with a single word of mine. As he slumped down, the weight of his body tilted the bed.
Stretching out my arms, I grasped Kamian’s cheek. I pulled his face closer, aligning my gaze with his.
“You are not defective.”
…Ah, this isn’t it. It wasn’t my intention to comfort. However, when I saw his reddened eyes shining with sorrow, the thorns that had risen upon my tongue lost their strength and crumbled. I bit down painfully on the flesh of my inner lip. Pull yourself together.
“Do not attach great significance to s*x. Yesterday, I asked you to be rough with me.”
“……”
“If I truly dislike it, wouldn’t I have refrained from uttering a curse upon seeing you?”
“You would have pushed me away.”
“Besides discarding or keeping, it’s my decision….”
“Are you saying we can continue?”
…Does it come to that? My intention was not to say, ‘Do not attach your will to an object!’ However, upon witnessing the sparkle in Kamian’s eyes, my lips moved involuntarily.
“…Well, yes.”
Kamian lifted his lips, forming a cool smile. The sharpness of his mouth created a beautiful curve.
Earlier, he had been like a mug of beer I couldn’t get close to, but now, as always, he swept my hair behind my ear. Kamian’s gaze lingered on my ear for a while.
“You must be hungry.”
“Yes.”
“Wait. I’ll bring lunch soon.”
He cheerfully distanced himself. Thud. I blankly stared at the closed door. Somehow, I felt like everything I possessed had been stripped away. With a strange sense of emptiness for an unknown reason, I blinked my eyes absentmindedly.
* * *
From the early morning, the household was in disarray. Debra and Jex sat comfortably on the sofa, enjoying their leisurely tea time, while Naa and Kamian wandered restlessly around the house.
“The medicine?”
“I’ve got it.”
“How many sets of clothes did you pack?”
“I packed three sets. It seems one would be sufficient.”
“You packed meticulously. With pursed lips, you placed the backpack on the table.”
Today is the day we are going to take care of Sherry in place of her parents, who have left on a trip. Sherry’s older brother is expected to arrive in town in two days, so Naa and Kamian had to stay at Sherry’s house for two nights and three days.
Kamian packed the cookies Debra had baked early in the morning in another bag. Compared to my lightweight backpack containing only clothes and medicine, Kamian’s bag seems excessively hefty. Taking advantage of Kamian going upstairs, I seized his backpack.
“Oh, my…”
From my hand to my throat, the muscles tensed sharply. In the end, I couldn’t endure even a second and dropped it as if throwing it.
“What on earth did you pack so much for?”
Was it satisfactory?”
His firmly sealed lips were reluctant to part. What other thoughts could be occupying his mind? As I refrained from urging and maintained my silence, Kamian roughly ran his hand through his hair.
“Does it even matter?”
His voice trembled heavily. Though Kamian pretended to wear an unaffected expression, the joints of his clenched fist protruded with force. Perhaps I should taunt him a little more.
“Oh, indeed, you are a splendid tool for self-pleasure. I feel gratified to have chosen you.”
“I’m supposed to feel gratified that you chose me?”
He retorted with a twisted face. I was slightly taken aback by his unexpectedly fierce reaction. What triggered his anger, even though he hadn’t flinched at my provocations? I widened my eyes and gazed at Kamian. He exhaled a long breath, as if suppressing something.
Then, in a dry tone, he muttered softly.
“I am defective. Just discard me.”
Even though he positioned himself as a tool, he went as far as to ask me to discard him. I couldn’t believe my ears, even though I heard it directly.
I pondered calmly about the meaning of “throw me away.” The decision to take offense or not was still in my hands, considering the beseeching tone. In other words, if I were to decline, it meant I would be reluctantly offered, expressing that the affection towards me had not yet cooled.
However, the question here was why he considered himself a defective product.
“What are you talking about?” she asked, tapping her index finger fiercely against her Adam’s apple.
“It’s broken here. It’s not functioning properly,” she said.
“….”
“I asked if you liked it. Ah, it was infuriatingly good. Did you not notice how my eyes were fixated on you even more?” she spat out her reproachful words resolutely.
“There’s no need to contemplate. I am utterly broken, unable to even lift a finger. When I see you, I feel nothing but self-loathing like a beast begging for mercy.”
Somehow, Kamian seemed pitiful. Was this how love labelled oneself as defective and caused such intense self-hatred?
I yearned to caress his face, wanting to constantly whisper to him that he was not defective, wanting to place a piece of candy in his hand. But soothing Kamian here would be a cruel detonator, distorting the future.
My task was to torment the wounded Kamian even more painfully. To make him suffer at the mere thought of my face.
Yet, my heart grew uneasy. Stay composed, I told myself. Even when I lashed myself with a metaphorical whip, my heart kept unravelling.
“Kamian, my head hurts.”
The frozen gaze regained its color with a single word of mine. As he slumped down, the weight of his body tilted the bed.
Stretching out my arms, I grasped Kamian’s cheek. I pulled his face closer, aligning my gaze with his.
“You are not defective.”
…Ah, this isn’t it. It wasn’t my intention to comfort. However, when I saw his reddened eyes shining with sorrow, the thorns that had risen upon my tongue lost their strength and crumbled. I bit down painfully on the flesh of my inner lip. Pull yourself together.
“Do not attach great significance to s*x. Yesterday, I asked you to be rough with me.”
“……”
“If I truly dislike it, wouldn’t I have refrained from uttering a curse upon seeing you?”
“You would have pushed me away.”
“Besides discarding or keeping, it’s my decision….”
“Are you saying we can continue?”
…Does it come to that? My intention was not to say, ‘Do not attach your will to an object!’ However, upon witnessing the sparkle in Kamian’s eyes, my lips moved involuntarily.
“…Well, yes.”
Kamian lifted his lips, forming a cool smile. The sharpness of his mouth created a beautiful curve.
Earlier, he had been like a mug of beer I couldn’t get close to, but now, as always, he swept my hair behind my ear. Kamian’s gaze lingered on my ear for a while.
“You must be hungry.”
“Yes.”
“Wait. I’ll bring lunch soon.”
He cheerfully distanced himself. Thud. I blankly stared at the closed door. Somehow, I felt like everything I possessed had been stripped away. With a strange sense of emptiness for an unknown reason, I blinked my eyes absentmindedly.
* * *
From the early morning, the household was in disarray. Debra and Jex sat comfortably on the sofa, enjoying their leisurely tea time, while Naa and Kamian wandered restlessly around the house.
“The medicine?”
“I’ve got it.”
“How many sets of clothes did you pack?”
“I packed three sets. It seems one would be sufficient.”
“You packed meticulously. With pursed lips, you placed the backpack on the table.”
Today is the day we are going to take care of Sherry in place of her parents, who have left on a trip. Sherry’s older brother is expected to arrive in town in two days, so Naa and Kamian had to stay at Sherry’s house for two nights and three days.
Kamian packed the cookies Debra had baked early in the morning in another bag. Compared to my lightweight backpack containing only clothes and medicine, Kamian’s bag seems excessively hefty. Taking advantage of Kamian going upstairs, I seized his backpack.
“Oh, my…”
From my hand to my throat, the muscles tensed sharply. In the end, I couldn’t endure even a second and dropped it as if throwing it.
“What on earth did you pack so much for?”
