It was just a name being called, yet a lump formed in my throat. Kamian’s long legs stepped towards me, closer than the distance I had retreated. I kept my head down, avoiding eye contact with him. My bewildered gaze rested on his chest, where his heart must have been beating.
“Do you think the emotions I feel for you are love?”
“…”
“Have you always thought that way?
A low voice settled above his raised eyebrow. The mixture of derision and tenderness left me greatly perplexed. I widened my eyes, pondering the meaning behind his words. However, an answer eluded me. Those words… they couldn’t possibly mean that he didn’t love me. It was inconceivable.
A large hand swept up my back, passing over my neck and finally landing on the back of my head. Then, with a gentle force, he pressed me against him. My forehead made contact with his chest.
“We must not mistake obsession for love.”
…Ah.
“Very well, then.”
“It’s a lie” [thump, thump, thump, thump] The pounding of his roughened heart whispered to me that Kamian was now lying.
“I only want to possess everything about my first client.”
I reached out my arm and embraced his waist. As expected, his heart pounded even faster, as if it wanted to burst out of his chest. I felt a profound despair and a subtle sense of relief simultaneously. After twisting the edge of his garment, I leaned closer to his heart and spoke.
“Never love me again.”
“……”
“I won’t give you my heart or my place by your side. Don’t obsess over me. It’s better to die than to live together with you forever. Just leave me alone, Kamian.”
He said nothing. Without mustering the courage to look at Kamian’s face, he opened the door and walked in, his head hanging low. Kamian didn’t hold onto me. Even though it had been a long time since I entered the house, the door remained closed. Suppressing my desire to look outside, I went up to the second floor and firmly locked the bedroom door, keeping it closed from the inside.
* * *
Kamian didn’t come home yesterday.
It wasn’t until the next morning that I could see Kamian again. As the dawn broke, I heard the sound of footsteps coming up to the second floor, and without realizing it, I almost darted out of the room. Where did he go? Did he have dinner? It was cold outside, did he take a coat? Countless questions stirred within me, causing my feet to move restlessly.
However, none of the many questions that tormented me all night could be uttered.
“Come out, let’s go for a walk.”
It was still early afternoon, not long after finishing lunch. I hastily got up from the bed. Kamian hadn’t come into the room, but he was holding the door open to prevent it from closing. And with an inscrutable expression, he silently watched me getting dressed.
“Why so early?”
I muttered curtly as I put on my coat.
“The sun is high now, so it’s a bit less cold.”
“You can stay inside.”
“In winter, you have to stay cooped up at home all the time, so when you have the chance to go out, you should take it.”
“…I suppose that’s true.”
I couldn’t even button up my coat properly and threw on the scarf haphazardly. Seeing Kamian waiting there like that made me feel unnecessarily anxious. I stepped out of the room quickly, and Kamian closed the door, standing in front of me.
Then he buttoned up all of my coat buttons and carefully wrapped the scarf around my neck. He even tidied up my hair, neatly tucking it behind my ears.
The mischievousness was gone, but it was no different from the usual Kamian.
I fidgeted with the scarf while watching Kamian’s back as he walked ahead. It felt suffocating in this awkward atmosphere. Endure it. After all, this was something that would eventually happen. Slowly, little by little, we’re growing apart. I managed to regain my wavering heart.
“I’ll only run until we reach Mr. Holt’s place.”
I stretched my arms out and did some stretching exercises. I thought I should try to calm my complicated emotions while running slowly.
“You don’t have to come with me today. I can run alone.”
To clear my mind of the Kamian that occupied my thoughts, I need him to stay behind. If he sticks too close behind me, the Kamian in my mind will only grow stronger.
As I was about to set off, I felt a pulling force from behind. Kamian was grabbing the hem of my clothes. When I turned around, he grabbed onto my sleeve this time.
“Why don’t you ask?”
“What?”
“Where I was yesterday.”
“….”
It was just a name being called, yet a lump formed in my throat. Kamian’s long legs stepped towards me, closer than the distance I had retreated. I kept my head down, avoiding eye contact with him. My bewildered gaze rested on his chest, where his heart must have been beating.
“Do you think the emotions I feel for you are love?”
“…”
“Have you always thought that way?
A low voice settled above his raised eyebrow. The mixture of derision and tenderness left me greatly perplexed. I widened my eyes, pondering the meaning behind his words. However, an answer eluded me. Those words… they couldn’t possibly mean that he didn’t love me. It was inconceivable.
A large hand swept up my back, passing over my neck and finally landing on the back of my head. Then, with a gentle force, he pressed me against him. My forehead made contact with his chest.
“We must not mistake obsession for love.”
…Ah.
“Very well, then.”
“It’s a lie” [thump, thump, thump, thump] The pounding of his roughened heart whispered to me that Kamian was now lying.
“I only want to possess everything about my first client.”
I reached out my arm and embraced his waist. As expected, his heart pounded even faster, as if it wanted to burst out of his chest. I felt a profound despair and a subtle sense of relief simultaneously. After twisting the edge of his garment, I leaned closer to his heart and spoke.
“Never love me again.”
“……”
“I won’t give you my heart or my place by your side. Don’t obsess over me. It’s better to die than to live together with you forever. Just leave me alone, Kamian.”
He said nothing. Without mustering the courage to look at Kamian’s face, he opened the door and walked in, his head hanging low. Kamian didn’t hold onto me. Even though it had been a long time since I entered the house, the door remained closed. Suppressing my desire to look outside, I went up to the second floor and firmly locked the bedroom door, keeping it closed from the inside.
* * *
Kamian didn’t come home yesterday.
It wasn’t until the next morning that I could see Kamian again. As the dawn broke, I heard the sound of footsteps coming up to the second floor, and without realizing it, I almost darted out of the room. Where did he go? Did he have dinner? It was cold outside, did he take a coat? Countless questions stirred within me, causing my feet to move restlessly.
However, none of the many questions that tormented me all night could be uttered.
“Come out, let’s go for a walk.”
It was still early afternoon, not long after finishing lunch. I hastily got up from the bed. Kamian hadn’t come into the room, but he was holding the door open to prevent it from closing. And with an inscrutable expression, he silently watched me getting dressed.
“Why so early?”
I muttered curtly as I put on my coat.
“The sun is high now, so it’s a bit less cold.”
“You can stay inside.”
“In winter, you have to stay cooped up at home all the time, so when you have the chance to go out, you should take it.”
“…I suppose that’s true.”
I couldn’t even button up my coat properly and threw on the scarf haphazardly. Seeing Kamian waiting there like that made me feel unnecessarily anxious. I stepped out of the room quickly, and Kamian closed the door, standing in front of me.
Then he buttoned up all of my coat buttons and carefully wrapped the scarf around my neck. He even tidied up my hair, neatly tucking it behind my ears.
The mischievousness was gone, but it was no different from the usual Kamian.
I fidgeted with the scarf while watching Kamian’s back as he walked ahead. It felt suffocating in this awkward atmosphere. Endure it. After all, this was something that would eventually happen. Slowly, little by little, we’re growing apart. I managed to regain my wavering heart.
“I’ll only run until we reach Mr. Holt’s place.”
I stretched my arms out and did some stretching exercises. I thought I should try to calm my complicated emotions while running slowly.
“You don’t have to come with me today. I can run alone.”
To clear my mind of the Kamian that occupied my thoughts, I need him to stay behind. If he sticks too close behind me, the Kamian in my mind will only grow stronger.
As I was about to set off, I felt a pulling force from behind. Kamian was grabbing the hem of my clothes. When I turned around, he grabbed onto my sleeve this time.
“Why don’t you ask?”
“What?”
“Where I was yesterday.”
“….”
