“Yes, really. That’s why we’re here, to ask you questions.”
“Not just to say hello?”
“Not just to say hello. Now, why didn’t you two present yourselves to us when we first entered the bar?”
Broderica turned to Pamela. “We were just scrubbing the floor.”
Lady Krumbumbum butted in, “We were scrubbing it so hard.”
“Yes, so hard.”
“Oh yes! We were scrubbing it so hard my back is sore.”
“Yes! It’ll really take a toll on your body being on your knees scrubbing so long.”
Green Garey teettered around on his peg leg like a spinning top. Pamela caught him.
“Get ahold of yourself, Green Garey,” Pamela looked at Broderica and Lady Krumbumbum and did her best not to projectile vomit, “Now. Have either of you two seen this man?”
She presented a naked sketch of Sir Broderick to Lady Krumbumbum and Broderica for observation. They did their best not to burst out laughing.
“I understand that some people are uncomfortable with nudity. You may imagine him wearing clothes, if it helps. I also have an overlay sheet with sketches of his clothes I can place over the image if need be, but be warned I am not well practiced in drawing clothing at the moment and it will leave a lot to be desired artistically.”
“Well,” giggled Broderica, “I’ve never seen him, but I can see a lot to be desired in this image, that’s for sure”
“I don’t know,” suggested Lady Krumbumbum, “I find him rather plain myself. Having never seen him in person either.”
Broderica turned to Pamela. “Well there’s no accounting for taste, is there, miss Royal Gourd?”
“I’m not certain. I will have to ask the Royal Gourd Accounting Office if there is accounting for taste. I should have an answer for you in seven to ten business days.”
“Lovely,” Broderica sighed, raising her arms and stretching for a very long time. Green Garey stared with his one eye almost shooting out the socket as if it were magnetized.
“Excellent. Well, I appreciate your compliance. Please keep your eyes open, as opposed to closed, and contact the Royal Gourd if you see him. He is a suspected skyrate.”
“Yaaarg! Or most likely a witch, as AYE have determined!”
“Yes. Thank you for that, Green Garey. I had forgotten that theory due to the complete lack of evidence for it.”
“Avast! Ye are me first mate, are ye not?”
“I’m not going to mate with you, Green Garey.”
“That’s not what AYE meant! AYE am the commanding officer! Ye are my partner, AYE?”
“Yes. I am, for better or worse, your partner. It appears.”
Broderica giggled and shook her boobs around like an executive ball clicker. “You two seem to be quite a pair!”
Lady Krumbumbum looked at Broderica’s hypnotic rack in jealousy.
Pamela coughed. “Same to you ladies. You’re some of the crudest I’ve met. Then again, we are in the Ainthadnothin’toeat District. Here. Take this,” she instructed, producing two small business cards, “they have my magickaphone access code. Use this direct line if you see anything suspicious. Well, suspicious in relation to this man. Or skyrates in general. Or witches, I guess. I felt the need to clarify because living in this district I’m sure you would have my inbox full of suspicious content in half a day.”
“Thank you,” cooed Broderica, slipping the card in between her tits.
Lady Krumbumbum exhaled. “No need to be such a skank, Broderica.”
“Oh, go cluck yourself.”
Green Garey pulled out a tatterd kerchief and scrawled near illegibly on it. “Yaaarg! And here be my direct line,” he attempted to put it in with Pamela’s card, only to get his hand slapped and the card snatched sharply. “For, eh, anything ye lovely ladies mAYE need.” Green Gary tried to wink. “Anything.”
Pamela sighed. “Alright. Moving on. Thank you, all of you. Have a nice day, I guess.”
They turned around and trudged out of the bar. The barkeep turned to Lady Krumbumbum and Broderica.
“What in the hell kind of a wizard spell is that?”
Lady Krumbumbum blushed. “A very hood one.”
“Alright Krumbutthole change us the cluck back these cockhamned boobs are horrible! It’s like I’ve got two fishbowls full of molasses attached to my chest! My back may be irreperably damaged!”
“Oh, cluck off, Brod-whore-rica. There’s a spell for back pain anyway you ought to know that by now.”
“I don’t want any of your cockhamned spells!”
“So you want to keep the boobs then?”
“No, you damp matchstick!”
“You know, wizards don’t have to use matches either. There’s a spell for that too.”
“Go cluck yourself!”
The barkeep butted in, “Ladies! Ladies, please! No need to wrestle around in the mud in barely any clothing while making loud moaning noises for an audience that I charge cover to and you keep five percent of the profits!…?”
Broderica spat at him. “Get your clucking hands off my shoulder! We will do no such thing!”
Lady Krumbumbum looked down, almost dissapointed. Then, she nodded in overcompensatory agreeance.
“Um, Broderica?”
“Yes, vitch?”
“I’ve…got to be honest about something?”
“What, you’re attracted to me like this too? It’s fine. Understand, chuppy, I’m magicing kind of that way myself,” Broderica muttered, fondling herself, “It’s only natural.”
“Not that, though I am. I…ehrm…well…I don’t remember how to undo the spell.”
The fondling stopped. “What the cluck? Are you clucking with me?”
“Nope.”
“Cock hamn it what the cluck is wrong with you?!”
“Ladies, please! As much as I love to see you two hitting eachother I hate to see you two hitting eachother. Look, if you need some magical help, I might know somebody. Warlock. Great guy.”
Lady Krumbumbum dry heaved. “Did you really just suggest we go see a warlock? Do you know that I’m an esteemed wizard? And that I got my Doctorate in Magick? That’s magic with a k at the end. Very clandestine stuff I assure you.”
“Look, Krumbottom or whatever the hen you said your name is, you’re the one who can’t remember the spell. I think this warlock might be able to help you out of the jam you’re in. Set your prejudice aside, he’s one of the most trustworthy people I know.”
“Yea, Krumboobless,” twittered Broderica, “set your prejudice aside. Warlock snorlock I just want to be a man again.”
“That’s the spirit. His name’s Jeffrey with a G.”
Lady Krumbumbum furrowed her brow in a feminine way. “Jeffrey with a G?”
“Yes. Jeffrey with a G. You gotta say the whole name too. He’s very sensitive about it. Don’t you go calling him Jeffrey! He’ll go into a blind rage and then there’s no telling what’ll happen. Something from his childhood where people would always make fun of him by just calling him Jeffrey when really he’s Jeffrey with a G.”
“Unstable warlock,” tisked Krumbumbum, “Shocker.”
“Now here’s what you wanna do to find him. You’re gonna walk down ten blocks down the street, take a right by the old organ dealer’s shop, take another right three blocks down that street past the execution bay, take a left five blocks down that street by the cannibal rehabilitation clinic, and then stop at the fourth alleyway to your right. It’s very important you go to the fourth alleyway because the fifth alleyway is where all the serial killers hang out and if you don’t act like a killer then they’ll probably kill you, and the third alleyway is where the harvest free range organs for the old organ dealer’s shop I mentioned earlier, funnily enough.
“Once you’re down the sixth alleyway, shit I mean the fourth alleyway..or was it the second? No, it was the fourth. Once you’re down halfway through that fifth alleyway you’re gonna knock on a brick at about eye level that looks like it’s been stained with piss. That brick will then slide away and a cyclops will be glaring at you, but he can’t help it it’s his job to be ornery so don’t be assholes or anything. You’ll tell that cyclops that you need to flutter your muffins. Then a little to your left a doorway will slide out from the bricks into shadow.
“Don’t go down there! Instead, turn around and walk back the way you were going, but do it slowly. Within a few moments you’ll bump into an invisible wall. Don’t hold your hands out to search for the wall before you bump into it or they’ll get ripped off by something. Once you’ve bumped into the invisible wall turn back around and where the ground was, there will be a narrow staircase leading deep down into invisible depths.
“Walk three steps down and then listen for a man screaming ‘OH COCK WHY WHY THE HORRIBLE PAIN WHYYYY’ and then turn to your right and you’ll walk right through the ground and walls and before you finish blinking you’ll be inside the arena.”
“The arena?” questioned Broderica.
“Yes, the arena. Jeffrey with a G oversees the local godfighting ring.”
Lady Krumbumbum sighed. “Clucking warlocks.”
“GODFIGHTING?!” Broderica shouted.
The barkeep put a finger to his lips. “Yes, yes, godfighting.”
“Why, how absolutely horrible and barbaric,” scoffed Broderica. “Sounds like fun!”
“Yes, really. That’s why we’re here, to ask you questions.”
“Not just to say hello?”
“Not just to say hello. Now, why didn’t you two present yourselves to us when we first entered the bar?”
Broderica turned to Pamela. “We were just scrubbing the floor.”
Lady Krumbumbum butted in, “We were scrubbing it so hard.”
“Yes, so hard.”
“Oh yes! We were scrubbing it so hard my back is sore.”
“Yes! It’ll really take a toll on your body being on your knees scrubbing so long.”
Green Garey teettered around on his peg leg like a spinning top. Pamela caught him.
“Get ahold of yourself, Green Garey,” Pamela looked at Broderica and Lady Krumbumbum and did her best not to projectile vomit, “Now. Have either of you two seen this man?”
She presented a naked sketch of Sir Broderick to Lady Krumbumbum and Broderica for observation. They did their best not to burst out laughing.
“I understand that some people are uncomfortable with nudity. You may imagine him wearing clothes, if it helps. I also have an overlay sheet with sketches of his clothes I can place over the image if need be, but be warned I am not well practiced in drawing clothing at the moment and it will leave a lot to be desired artistically.”
“Well,” giggled Broderica, “I’ve never seen him, but I can see a lot to be desired in this image, that’s for sure”
“I don’t know,” suggested Lady Krumbumbum, “I find him rather plain myself. Having never seen him in person either.”
Broderica turned to Pamela. “Well there’s no accounting for taste, is there, miss Royal Gourd?”
“I’m not certain. I will have to ask the Royal Gourd Accounting Office if there is accounting for taste. I should have an answer for you in seven to ten business days.”
“Lovely,” Broderica sighed, raising her arms and stretching for a very long time. Green Garey stared with his one eye almost shooting out the socket as if it were magnetized.
“Excellent. Well, I appreciate your compliance. Please keep your eyes open, as opposed to closed, and contact the Royal Gourd if you see him. He is a suspected skyrate.”
“Yaaarg! Or most likely a witch, as AYE have determined!”
“Yes. Thank you for that, Green Garey. I had forgotten that theory due to the complete lack of evidence for it.”
“Avast! Ye are me first mate, are ye not?”
“I’m not going to mate with you, Green Garey.”
“That’s not what AYE meant! AYE am the commanding officer! Ye are my partner, AYE?”
“Yes. I am, for better or worse, your partner. It appears.”
Broderica giggled and shook her boobs around like an executive ball clicker. “You two seem to be quite a pair!”
Lady Krumbumbum looked at Broderica’s hypnotic rack in jealousy.
Pamela coughed. “Same to you ladies. You’re some of the crudest I’ve met. Then again, we are in the Ainthadnothin’toeat District. Here. Take this,” she instructed, producing two small business cards, “they have my magickaphone access code. Use this direct line if you see anything suspicious. Well, suspicious in relation to this man. Or skyrates in general. Or witches, I guess. I felt the need to clarify because living in this district I’m sure you would have my inbox full of suspicious content in half a day.”
“Thank you,” cooed Broderica, slipping the card in between her tits.
Lady Krumbumbum exhaled. “No need to be such a skank, Broderica.”
“Oh, go cluck yourself.”
Green Garey pulled out a tatterd kerchief and scrawled near illegibly on it. “Yaaarg! And here be my direct line,” he attempted to put it in with Pamela’s card, only to get his hand slapped and the card snatched sharply. “For, eh, anything ye lovely ladies mAYE need.” Green Gary tried to wink. “Anything.”
Pamela sighed. “Alright. Moving on. Thank you, all of you. Have a nice day, I guess.”
They turned around and trudged out of the bar. The barkeep turned to Lady Krumbumbum and Broderica.
“What in the hell kind of a wizard spell is that?”
Lady Krumbumbum blushed. “A very hood one.”
“Alright Krumbutthole change us the cluck back these cockhamned boobs are horrible! It’s like I’ve got two fishbowls full of molasses attached to my chest! My back may be irreperably damaged!”
“Oh, cluck off, Brod-whore-rica. There’s a spell for back pain anyway you ought to know that by now.”
“I don’t want any of your cockhamned spells!”
“So you want to keep the boobs then?”
“No, you damp matchstick!”
“You know, wizards don’t have to use matches either. There’s a spell for that too.”
“Go cluck yourself!”
The barkeep butted in, “Ladies! Ladies, please! No need to wrestle around in the mud in barely any clothing while making loud moaning noises for an audience that I charge cover to and you keep five percent of the profits!…?”
Broderica spat at him. “Get your clucking hands off my shoulder! We will do no such thing!”
Lady Krumbumbum looked down, almost dissapointed. Then, she nodded in overcompensatory agreeance.
“Um, Broderica?”
“Yes, vitch?”
“I’ve…got to be honest about something?”
“What, you’re attracted to me like this too? It’s fine. Understand, chuppy, I’m magicing kind of that way myself,” Broderica muttered, fondling herself, “It’s only natural.”
“Not that, though I am. I…ehrm…well…I don’t remember how to undo the spell.”
The fondling stopped. “What the cluck? Are you clucking with me?”
“Nope.”
“Cock hamn it what the cluck is wrong with you?!”
“Ladies, please! As much as I love to see you two hitting eachother I hate to see you two hitting eachother. Look, if you need some magical help, I might know somebody. Warlock. Great guy.”
Lady Krumbumbum dry heaved. “Did you really just suggest we go see a warlock? Do you know that I’m an esteemed wizard? And that I got my Doctorate in Magick? That’s magic with a k at the end. Very clandestine stuff I assure you.”
“Look, Krumbottom or whatever the hen you said your name is, you’re the one who can’t remember the spell. I think this warlock might be able to help you out of the jam you’re in. Set your prejudice aside, he’s one of the most trustworthy people I know.”
“Yea, Krumboobless,” twittered Broderica, “set your prejudice aside. Warlock snorlock I just want to be a man again.”
“That’s the spirit. His name’s Jeffrey with a G.”
Lady Krumbumbum furrowed her brow in a feminine way. “Jeffrey with a G?”
“Yes. Jeffrey with a G. You gotta say the whole name too. He’s very sensitive about it. Don’t you go calling him Jeffrey! He’ll go into a blind rage and then there’s no telling what’ll happen. Something from his childhood where people would always make fun of him by just calling him Jeffrey when really he’s Jeffrey with a G.”
“Unstable warlock,” tisked Krumbumbum, “Shocker.”
“Now here’s what you wanna do to find him. You’re gonna walk down ten blocks down the street, take a right by the old organ dealer’s shop, take another right three blocks down that street past the execution bay, take a left five blocks down that street by the cannibal rehabilitation clinic, and then stop at the fourth alleyway to your right. It’s very important you go to the fourth alleyway because the fifth alleyway is where all the serial killers hang out and if you don’t act like a killer then they’ll probably kill you, and the third alleyway is where the harvest free range organs for the old organ dealer’s shop I mentioned earlier, funnily enough.
“Once you’re down the sixth alleyway, shit I mean the fourth alleyway..or was it the second? No, it was the fourth. Once you’re down halfway through that fifth alleyway you’re gonna knock on a brick at about eye level that looks like it’s been stained with piss. That brick will then slide away and a cyclops will be glaring at you, but he can’t help it it’s his job to be ornery so don’t be assholes or anything. You’ll tell that cyclops that you need to flutter your muffins. Then a little to your left a doorway will slide out from the bricks into shadow.
“Don’t go down there! Instead, turn around and walk back the way you were going, but do it slowly. Within a few moments you’ll bump into an invisible wall. Don’t hold your hands out to search for the wall before you bump into it or they’ll get ripped off by something. Once you’ve bumped into the invisible wall turn back around and where the ground was, there will be a narrow staircase leading deep down into invisible depths.
“Walk three steps down and then listen for a man screaming ‘OH COCK WHY WHY THE HORRIBLE PAIN WHYYYY’ and then turn to your right and you’ll walk right through the ground and walls and before you finish blinking you’ll be inside the arena.”
“The arena?” questioned Broderica.
“Yes, the arena. Jeffrey with a G oversees the local godfighting ring.”
Lady Krumbumbum sighed. “Clucking warlocks.”
“GODFIGHTING?!” Broderica shouted.
The barkeep put a finger to his lips. “Yes, yes, godfighting.”
“Why, how absolutely horrible and barbaric,” scoffed Broderica. “Sounds like fun!”
