Thurmsabold blinked his mud encrusted eyes. Wherever he was, it was dark, and smelled thiccly of excrement.
What in cock’s name has happened to me? he mused.
Thurmsabold sat up, brushing his face off with a ragged leather sleeve.
GRRR GR GRRRR
All his hairs, including pubic, stood on end. A human eating eight legged bear wolf was only a pounce away. It was gnashing its teeth.
“Hey! Back off ‘im!” boomed a deep, strangely feminine voice.
The human eating eight legged bear wolf slowly drew back. Thurmsabold sighed in relief, then confusion overtook him again.
“Who’s there? Where am I? What do you want from me?!”
Out of the shadows stepped the leg of a human eating eight legged bear wolf, but it was walking upright, and was followed by another human eating eight legged bear wolf leg. Thurmsabold had never heard of bipedal human eating eight legged bear wolves. Then as the figure stepped closer and took shape, his jaw flew open like a young tree falling after a lightning strike.
It was a woman. A gigantic woman. She was clad half in Royal Gourd steel and chainmail, and half in fluffy human eating eight legged bear wolf pelts, draped over her like a sort of toga cape combo. Not only were her legs were human eating eight legged bear wolf legs, but she in fact only had one human arm—her left arm—the right one was a humongous human eating eight legged bear wolf arm and claw to match. From what Thurmsabold could see of her face from under the large flattened human eating eight legged bear wolf head that enclosed it like a hood she was dirt and blood encrusted and missing an eye.
“Wh-who are you?” shuddered Thurmsabold, backing away, only to notice that his legs too were that of a human eating eight legged bear wolf. “What’d you do to me?”
“I am Dorma. I saved your life. You were about to become their fantasy kibbles-n-bits,” the woman grumbled, “as was I. Till I snapped three of their necks with only one arm. Now I’m their queen. They being the human eating eight legged bear wolves, of course.”
“Were you raised by them?”
“If that was some sort of attempt at a tongue in cheek insult, be advised that I do have two pack leaders with me that would like nothing more than to devour you.”
“No, it was a genuine question.”
“I was not raised by them! I am a member of the Royal Gourd…or I…was. I’m honestly not sure of my standing with them at this point as I’ve been missing for quite a while and they most likely assume that I’m dead.”
“So am I under arrest or something? Can I just..go…home?”
“I don’t know, can you just..go…home? You’ve got monster legs, chup. You’re damaged hoods.”
“I’m sure there are plenty of people that are into this kinda stuff, actually.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Don’t you want revenge on who did this to you?”
“Revenge? What, on you? No, we already got that sorted, I mean, you saved my life, I guess. Hardly seems the place for a bout of revenge. Though I wish you would’ve done better to ensure the legs you gave me were the same length I think I’d much rather be some sort of weird animal legged freak than completely dead.”
“As would I, as would I. But, you must realize, I am not the, ehrm, I am not the responsible party in this, ehrm, situation.”
“What, do you want revenge on me or something? Did I get us in this mess? I’m seriously asking I don’t remember. Surely you don’t mean you want revenge on the human eating eight legged bear wolves? They’re just animals, I mean it’s just in their nature really.”
Dorma blinked her one eye furiously until it was reddened like fresh salmon. “You don’t remember?!”
“No! Haven’t the slightest idea. The last thing I remember is..is…hamn, what was it? Come on, brainwaves, twerk your magic…is brainwaves a kind of magic?”
“I have no idea. Do I look like a clucking wizard to you?”
“Kind of. I mean, if some sort of freakish zombie animal human hybrid creaure was a kind of a wizard. Aha! I remember! The last thing I remember is hood old Shitface throwing a big pile of horse manure right into my face, falling back into an outhouse and falling, falling…oh the pain, it was so painful…and then a brilliant crackle and flash of light! Say, Dorma, do you think I met the chickens?”
“Excrete me?” grumbled Dorma, her eyelid hanging in a sarcastic manner.
“I was just wondering if the light I saw was the chickens. You know people say you see a light after you die.”
“How the cluck would they know? None of them have died before!”
“Well I wasn’t trying to get into a philosophical debate with you so I’ll just eh I’ll just leave that be.”
They sat in awkward silence. Dorma scratched her back with her large human eating eight legged bear wolf claw.
“Does that itch better than a normal hand?”
“Shut the cluck up.”
Thurmsabold stared at the mucky ground, blinking and sighing as he wiggled his human eating eight legged bear wolf feet around.
Dorma looked over to him. “You know, my partner sold me out. She practically tossed me to the human eating eight legged bear wolves herself. She watched as they ripped at my flesh and dragged me away. That’s why I’m here. I definitely want revenge. It’s all I’ve thought about since I’ve been here. Well, that and the welfare of the pack, of course, being the queen and all.”
“Say…” Thurmsabold muttered to himself, then, perking up, looked to Dorma, “You don’t think Shitface might’ve been the one that did this to me? I mean, throwing horse manure at me and sending me back into the flash of light?”
“Sounds pretty suspect. And personally I’d be mad enough at the fact that he threw shit at me.”
“I think I may want some revenge after all, Dorma. I may want some revenge after all.”
“That’s the attitude. Just keep it up. You’ll have yourself a hood vengeful grudge going on before you know it. What’s your name, by the way?”
“Thurmsabold.”
“Thurmsabold. A hood name. Old Caldonian?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Do you want to do the ten minute acquaintance thing, or…?”
“I…think we can say it’s up to you. Being queen of the human eating eight legged bear wolves and all that funk.”
They did not do the ten minute acquaintance thing.
Thurmsabold blinked his mud encrusted eyes. Wherever he was, it was dark, and smelled thiccly of excrement.
What in cock’s name has happened to me? he mused.
Thurmsabold sat up, brushing his face off with a ragged leather sleeve.
GRRR GR GRRRR
All his hairs, including pubic, stood on end. A human eating eight legged bear wolf was only a pounce away. It was gnashing its teeth.
“Hey! Back off ‘im!” boomed a deep, strangely feminine voice.
The human eating eight legged bear wolf slowly drew back. Thurmsabold sighed in relief, then confusion overtook him again.
“Who’s there? Where am I? What do you want from me?!”
Out of the shadows stepped the leg of a human eating eight legged bear wolf, but it was walking upright, and was followed by another human eating eight legged bear wolf leg. Thurmsabold had never heard of bipedal human eating eight legged bear wolves. Then as the figure stepped closer and took shape, his jaw flew open like a young tree falling after a lightning strike.
It was a woman. A gigantic woman. She was clad half in Royal Gourd steel and chainmail, and half in fluffy human eating eight legged bear wolf pelts, draped over her like a sort of toga cape combo. Not only were her legs were human eating eight legged bear wolf legs, but she in fact only had one human arm—her left arm—the right one was a humongous human eating eight legged bear wolf arm and claw to match. From what Thurmsabold could see of her face from under the large flattened human eating eight legged bear wolf head that enclosed it like a hood she was dirt and blood encrusted and missing an eye.
“Wh-who are you?” shuddered Thurmsabold, backing away, only to notice that his legs too were that of a human eating eight legged bear wolf. “What’d you do to me?”
“I am Dorma. I saved your life. You were about to become their fantasy kibbles-n-bits,” the woman grumbled, “as was I. Till I snapped three of their necks with only one arm. Now I’m their queen. They being the human eating eight legged bear wolves, of course.”
“Were you raised by them?”
“If that was some sort of attempt at a tongue in cheek insult, be advised that I do have two pack leaders with me that would like nothing more than to devour you.”
“No, it was a genuine question.”
“I was not raised by them! I am a member of the Royal Gourd…or I…was. I’m honestly not sure of my standing with them at this point as I’ve been missing for quite a while and they most likely assume that I’m dead.”
“So am I under arrest or something? Can I just..go…home?”
“I don’t know, can you just..go…home? You’ve got monster legs, chup. You’re damaged hoods.”
“I’m sure there are plenty of people that are into this kinda stuff, actually.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Don’t you want revenge on who did this to you?”
“Revenge? What, on you? No, we already got that sorted, I mean, you saved my life, I guess. Hardly seems the place for a bout of revenge. Though I wish you would’ve done better to ensure the legs you gave me were the same length I think I’d much rather be some sort of weird animal legged freak than completely dead.”
“As would I, as would I. But, you must realize, I am not the, ehrm, I am not the responsible party in this, ehrm, situation.”
“What, do you want revenge on me or something? Did I get us in this mess? I’m seriously asking I don’t remember. Surely you don’t mean you want revenge on the human eating eight legged bear wolves? They’re just animals, I mean it’s just in their nature really.”
Dorma blinked her one eye furiously until it was reddened like fresh salmon. “You don’t remember?!”
“No! Haven’t the slightest idea. The last thing I remember is..is…hamn, what was it? Come on, brainwaves, twerk your magic…is brainwaves a kind of magic?”
“I have no idea. Do I look like a clucking wizard to you?”
“Kind of. I mean, if some sort of freakish zombie animal human hybrid creaure was a kind of a wizard. Aha! I remember! The last thing I remember is hood old Shitface throwing a big pile of horse manure right into my face, falling back into an outhouse and falling, falling…oh the pain, it was so painful…and then a brilliant crackle and flash of light! Say, Dorma, do you think I met the chickens?”
“Excrete me?” grumbled Dorma, her eyelid hanging in a sarcastic manner.
“I was just wondering if the light I saw was the chickens. You know people say you see a light after you die.”
“How the cluck would they know? None of them have died before!”
“Well I wasn’t trying to get into a philosophical debate with you so I’ll just eh I’ll just leave that be.”
They sat in awkward silence. Dorma scratched her back with her large human eating eight legged bear wolf claw.
“Does that itch better than a normal hand?”
“Shut the cluck up.”
Thurmsabold stared at the mucky ground, blinking and sighing as he wiggled his human eating eight legged bear wolf feet around.
Dorma looked over to him. “You know, my partner sold me out. She practically tossed me to the human eating eight legged bear wolves herself. She watched as they ripped at my flesh and dragged me away. That’s why I’m here. I definitely want revenge. It’s all I’ve thought about since I’ve been here. Well, that and the welfare of the pack, of course, being the queen and all.”
“Say…” Thurmsabold muttered to himself, then, perking up, looked to Dorma, “You don’t think Shitface might’ve been the one that did this to me? I mean, throwing horse manure at me and sending me back into the flash of light?”
“Sounds pretty suspect. And personally I’d be mad enough at the fact that he threw shit at me.”
“I think I may want some revenge after all, Dorma. I may want some revenge after all.”
“That’s the attitude. Just keep it up. You’ll have yourself a hood vengeful grudge going on before you know it. What’s your name, by the way?”
“Thurmsabold.”
“Thurmsabold. A hood name. Old Caldonian?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Do you want to do the ten minute acquaintance thing, or…?”
“I…think we can say it’s up to you. Being queen of the human eating eight legged bear wolves and all that funk.”
They did not do the ten minute acquaintance thing.
