Broderica turned to her companions and whispered, “What the cluck is wrong with this guy? Expecting a chicken to answer a riddle? They’re godly celestial beings, not university students!”
“It’s fine it’s fine don’t even worry about it,” chuckled Krumbumbum.
“How is that fine Krumbumbum the chicken isn’t going to say shit to him!”
“Hey I know we have kinda moved past this but isn’t this guy I mean I don’t know if he wants us calling him a guy like we all keep doing—”
“Shhh shhh shut up Biscuit Pisser shut up it doesn’t matter shh.”
“Krumbumbum! Vitch! How is this going to be fine?!”
“Broderica don’t get your boobs in a saggy knot okay now listen I know a great spell called ventriloquism that will allow me to throw my own voice and make it appear that my voice, which I will contort to sound funny and unlike my normal speaking voice, is coming out of the chicken.”
“Isn’t ventriloquism like a skill Krumbumbum I mean one of my cousins is a ventriloquist and unless they’ve been hiding a huge part of their life from me I’m pretty sure they don’t use any sort of actual magic—”
“Shhh vitch just shhh shh shut the cluck up shhh clucking whore shhh shhhhhhh!”
“IT ITH TIME FOR THE FIRTHHHT RIDDLE. PREPARE YOURTHELF, O LOUD ONE.”
“I’m about as ready as I’m gonna get,” whined Broderica, sarcastically jiggling her tits.
“YOU’RE NOT THE LOUD ONE YOU’RE THE HAIRY ONE! CLUCK OFF!”
“The hairy one? I’m the hairy one?! Biscuit Pisser has a mustache!!”
“AND IT LOOKTH FIERTHE. THE ONE YOU CALL BITHHC-”
“Woah woah woah woah there buddy you don’t get to call me Biscuit Pisser okay you weren’t there you dingus you weren’t there!!”
“YOU’RE THE LOUD ONE OKAY YOU’RE THE LOUD ONE NOW ANTHER MY RIDDLE ALREADY HAMMIT.”
Everyond hovered in the tempestuous cyclone in awkward silence. Krumbumbum started painting her nails.
“Where’d you get that nail polish vitch?” Broderica blinked voraciously.
“Oh wouldn’t you like to know.”
“HELLO? LOUD ONE? ARE YOU GOING TO ANTHWER MY RIDDLE?”
“What riddle?”
“I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?”
The thphinkth cackled horrendously, dousing everyone in gracious helpings of saliva.
“Excrete me? Did you just call me a clucking riddle?”
“THORRY THORRY I JUTHT I COULDN’T HELP MYTHELF I REALLY COULDN’T. OKAY OKAY NOW IT’TH TIME FOR RIDDLE NUMBER TWO ARE YOU READY THKINNY ONE?”
“Not really I mean my fingernails are still drying and—”
“I REALLY DON’T GIVE A CLUCK IF YOU’RE READY I WATH JUTHHT BEING POLITE. WHAT COLOR ITH THITH CHICKEN YOU’RE RIDING UPON?”
“What the cluck kind of a riddle is that?” Krumbumbum rolled her eyes, which allowed her a glance at the sharp riridescent teeth of the thphinkth hovering high above her head. “It’s white of course!”
“THANKTH FOR TELLING ME. I’M COLORBLIND I HAD NO IDEA. OKAY HAIRY ONE ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR RIDDLE?”
Broderica sighed, wondering still why she was considered hairy. “I guess.”
“WHAT CREATURE WALKTH ON TWO LEGTH, THOMETIMETH THLEEPTH ON ITTH BACK, HATH AN ATHTH CRACK, AND THOMETIMETH ENJOYTH A TATHTY THNACK?”
“I have no clucking idea. Krumbumbum, do you have a riddle answering spell?”
“HEY NOW HAIRY ONE YOU KNOW THE RULETH YOU KNOW THE RULETH NO HELPTHIETH NO HELPTHEITH!”
“Is he saying helpsies? I think he’s saying helpsies. What a dork.”
“I’M NOT A DORK!”
“You’re as much a dork as I am a human.”
“CORRECT ANTHWER. WELL DONE, HAIRY ONE.”
“What answer?”
“YOU JUST THAID IT! HUMAN!”
“Oh. Well I guess I do have an ass crack. And sleep on my back. Less so with the tits now but still.”
“TMI.”
“Well excreeete me.”
“OKAY, WHITE CHICKEN. TIME FOR YOUR RIDDLE. I AM GETTING QUITE IMPATIENT AND MY THERPENTINE BODY ITH CHAFFING WHAT WITH ALL THE TWIRLING TEMPETHTUOUTHNETHHH THO I REALLY JUTHT WANNA GET THITH OVER WITH AND EITHER EAT YOU IF YOU GET IT WRONG OR KILL MYTHELF IF YOU GET IT RIGHT THO LITHTEN UP.
“THERE ARE TWO COUTHINTH, AND THOTHE COUTHINTH HAVE AN UNCLE WHOTHE FATHER HAD A THON WHOTH THUN HAD TWO COUTHINTH.”
“Wait a second,” Biscuit Pisser squinted, “Did he just say he was gonna kill himself if we got this riddle right?”
“THOSE TWO COUTHINTH THARE A MUTUAL COUTHIN WHO THEMTHELF HATH A BROTHER WHO HATH AN UNCLE WHO HATH TWO COUTHINTH WHO WENT TO MAGIC THCHOOL WITH THE UNCLE FROM EARLIER BACK BEFORE IT RAN OUT OF MONEY AND THAT UNCLE THE NEW UNCLE NOT THE OLD UNCLE DON’T GET IT TWITHTED HAD A GRANDTHON AND THAT GRANDTHON HAD THREE DAUGTERTH, ONE OF WHICH HAD A THON WITH A BAD CATHE OF FANTATHY ATHTHTHHHHMA.
“THO MY QUETHTION FOR YOU, O CHICKEN, ITH THUTH: WHO DIAGNOTHED THE TWO COUTHINTH’ MUTUAL COUTHIN WITH FANTATHY NON HODGEKINTH LYMPHOMA?”
“Alright Krumbumbum,” chuckled Broderica, “twerk your magic.”
“Uhmmm,” Krumbumbum crackled out a strianed, whistly voice. “One, eh, one minute, eh cluck cluck. Just thinking.”
“OKAY. THE CHAFFING ITH VERY PANFUL THO PLEATHE HURRY UP.”
“Don’t cluck cluck don’t worry cluck I’ll cluck I’ll have it figured out in a second…”
“INTERETHTING HOW YOUR BEAK DOETHN’T MOVE WHEN YOU TALK. I’D LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO DO THAT.”
“Heh cluck yea it’s just uh cluck one of my many gifts. Now just cluck one second more I’ve almost—”
The chicken’s jaws snapped open like they were spring loaded.
BUKAWWWFFFFSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The thphinkth’th beautiful prismatic face was engulfed in crackling flames, charring it black as dirt.
“OWWW OWW WHAT THE CLUCK OWW THAT’TH NOT THE ANTHWER!!”
BUBUKAWWWFFFFSHHHHHHHH
This time when the flames cleared the thphinkth’th face crumbled into dust. Then its’ slithering torso slowed to a lull as it slowly tumbled downward, itself breaking apart into flowers, glitter and coils of rainbow light.
Broderica snorted. “That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever seen.”
Then she looked over at Krumbumbum’s bottle of nail polish and snatched it.
“What cluck vitch get your own!”
“I want to feel pretty, that guy kept calling me hairy!”
“Hey uh um guys uh do you do you see that what’s what’s that over there?”
Broderica exhaled in exasperation. “Over where?”
“Over there where I’m pointing.”
“I don’t see anything.” Krumbumbum blew on her nails.
“Neither of you are looking where I’m pointing! The ship thing over there!!”
Inexplicably hearing Biscuit Pisser say ‘the ship thing over there’ allowed Broderica and Krumbumbum to look up and ahead in the direction of Biscuit Pisser’s pointing finger where they saw the lumbering figure of a wooden skyship sailing across the clouds. The pielight painted a light pink glow along the topmost edges of the ship. They watched as a small latch at the bottom of the ship swung open and what appeared to be sewage drizzled out. The latch snapped shut. They figured it must’ve led to the poop deck.
“Feathery clucking shit,” gasped Broderica, dropping the nail polish. “I’d know that ship anywhere. It’s the skyrates. Those motherclucking bass turds. I’ll get my ASS out of their clutches before they can so much as give it another squeeze!”
Krumbumbum watched her nail polish plummet with a huff. “Well then. This magics almost climactic.”
“That might just be all the vibrations from the chicken you’re feeling Krumbumbum.”
“Ew what the cluck you’re disgrossting Biscuit Pisser.”
“What?! You said it not me!”
They waited impatiently as they watched the ship grow further and further away.
“What the cluck?!” screeched Broderica. “Why aren’t we catching up to it?”
“Maybe the chicken’s going too slow.”
“Krumbumbum, this fire breathing celestial goddess, this, this majestic air fowl, is undoubtedly full of much more speed and power than that hamned sky barnacle encrusted barf stained shitmobile! We’ve simply got to get it to mush!”
“Excrete me Shitface? Did you just say we’ve got to mush the chicken?”
“Yes.”
“Is that possible?”
“What if we just had it set the ship on fire?”
“Krumbumbum are you crazy? Then we’ll just burn my ass up!”
“Oh come on Broderica surely you can buy another ass. Really there’s no need for this silly conflict I couldn’t care less about I just want to figure out how to get rid of my tits.”
“You vitch how many times do we have to tell you you barely have tits at all! Also why are you tugging on your earlobes like you’re casting a spell?”
“Because I’m casting a spell, duh.”
“What kind of spell?”
“Protection spell. I don’t want to catch skyscurvy when we board the skyship.”
Broderica suddenly howled with glee. “Are you—are you clucking shitting me?! Seriously? Krumbumbum come on now you cannot be serious I mean—oh cock—Biscuit Pisser come on tell me she’s not serious I mean—whew!”
Biscuit Pisser managed a conservative chuckle. “It is pretty clucking funny.”
“What’s funny? It never hurts to be safe!”
“Krumbumbum you can’t just catch skyscurvy! It happens if you don’t eat enough grapefruit! Clucking idiot!”
“Yea really Krumbumbum get your shit together.”
They sat there and continued fussing as the skyship grew further and further away, blurring in the thickness of smoke and swirling pielight clouds.
Broderica turned to her companions and whispered, “What the cluck is wrong with this guy? Expecting a chicken to answer a riddle? They’re godly celestial beings, not university students!”
“It’s fine it’s fine don’t even worry about it,” chuckled Krumbumbum.
“How is that fine Krumbumbum the chicken isn’t going to say shit to him!”
“Hey I know we have kinda moved past this but isn’t this guy I mean I don’t know if he wants us calling him a guy like we all keep doing—”
“Shhh shhh shut up Biscuit Pisser shut up it doesn’t matter shh.”
“Krumbumbum! Vitch! How is this going to be fine?!”
“Broderica don’t get your boobs in a saggy knot okay now listen I know a great spell called ventriloquism that will allow me to throw my own voice and make it appear that my voice, which I will contort to sound funny and unlike my normal speaking voice, is coming out of the chicken.”
“Isn’t ventriloquism like a skill Krumbumbum I mean one of my cousins is a ventriloquist and unless they’ve been hiding a huge part of their life from me I’m pretty sure they don’t use any sort of actual magic—”
“Shhh vitch just shhh shh shut the cluck up shhh clucking whore shhh shhhhhhh!”
“IT ITH TIME FOR THE FIRTHHHT RIDDLE. PREPARE YOURTHELF, O LOUD ONE.”
“I’m about as ready as I’m gonna get,” whined Broderica, sarcastically jiggling her tits.
“YOU’RE NOT THE LOUD ONE YOU’RE THE HAIRY ONE! CLUCK OFF!”
“The hairy one? I’m the hairy one?! Biscuit Pisser has a mustache!!”
“AND IT LOOKTH FIERTHE. THE ONE YOU CALL BITHHC-”
“Woah woah woah woah there buddy you don’t get to call me Biscuit Pisser okay you weren’t there you dingus you weren’t there!!”
“YOU’RE THE LOUD ONE OKAY YOU’RE THE LOUD ONE NOW ANTHER MY RIDDLE ALREADY HAMMIT.”
Everyond hovered in the tempestuous cyclone in awkward silence. Krumbumbum started painting her nails.
“Where’d you get that nail polish vitch?” Broderica blinked voraciously.
“Oh wouldn’t you like to know.”
“HELLO? LOUD ONE? ARE YOU GOING TO ANTHWER MY RIDDLE?”
“What riddle?”
“I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?”
The thphinkth cackled horrendously, dousing everyone in gracious helpings of saliva.
“Excrete me? Did you just call me a clucking riddle?”
“THORRY THORRY I JUTHT I COULDN’T HELP MYTHELF I REALLY COULDN’T. OKAY OKAY NOW IT’TH TIME FOR RIDDLE NUMBER TWO ARE YOU READY THKINNY ONE?”
“Not really I mean my fingernails are still drying and—”
“I REALLY DON’T GIVE A CLUCK IF YOU’RE READY I WATH JUTHHT BEING POLITE. WHAT COLOR ITH THITH CHICKEN YOU’RE RIDING UPON?”
“What the cluck kind of a riddle is that?” Krumbumbum rolled her eyes, which allowed her a glance at the sharp riridescent teeth of the thphinkth hovering high above her head. “It’s white of course!”
“THANKTH FOR TELLING ME. I’M COLORBLIND I HAD NO IDEA. OKAY HAIRY ONE ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR RIDDLE?”
Broderica sighed, wondering still why she was considered hairy. “I guess.”
“WHAT CREATURE WALKTH ON TWO LEGTH, THOMETIMETH THLEEPTH ON ITTH BACK, HATH AN ATHTH CRACK, AND THOMETIMETH ENJOYTH A TATHTY THNACK?”
“I have no clucking idea. Krumbumbum, do you have a riddle answering spell?”
“HEY NOW HAIRY ONE YOU KNOW THE RULETH YOU KNOW THE RULETH NO HELPTHIETH NO HELPTHEITH!”
“Is he saying helpsies? I think he’s saying helpsies. What a dork.”
“I’M NOT A DORK!”
“You’re as much a dork as I am a human.”
“CORRECT ANTHWER. WELL DONE, HAIRY ONE.”
“What answer?”
“YOU JUST THAID IT! HUMAN!”
“Oh. Well I guess I do have an ass crack. And sleep on my back. Less so with the tits now but still.”
“TMI.”
“Well excreeete me.”
“OKAY, WHITE CHICKEN. TIME FOR YOUR RIDDLE. I AM GETTING QUITE IMPATIENT AND MY THERPENTINE BODY ITH CHAFFING WHAT WITH ALL THE TWIRLING TEMPETHTUOUTHNETHHH THO I REALLY JUTHT WANNA GET THITH OVER WITH AND EITHER EAT YOU IF YOU GET IT WRONG OR KILL MYTHELF IF YOU GET IT RIGHT THO LITHTEN UP.
“THERE ARE TWO COUTHINTH, AND THOTHE COUTHINTH HAVE AN UNCLE WHOTHE FATHER HAD A THON WHOTH THUN HAD TWO COUTHINTH.”
“Wait a second,” Biscuit Pisser squinted, “Did he just say he was gonna kill himself if we got this riddle right?”
“THOSE TWO COUTHINTH THARE A MUTUAL COUTHIN WHO THEMTHELF HATH A BROTHER WHO HATH AN UNCLE WHO HATH TWO COUTHINTH WHO WENT TO MAGIC THCHOOL WITH THE UNCLE FROM EARLIER BACK BEFORE IT RAN OUT OF MONEY AND THAT UNCLE THE NEW UNCLE NOT THE OLD UNCLE DON’T GET IT TWITHTED HAD A GRANDTHON AND THAT GRANDTHON HAD THREE DAUGTERTH, ONE OF WHICH HAD A THON WITH A BAD CATHE OF FANTATHY ATHTHTHHHHMA.
“THO MY QUETHTION FOR YOU, O CHICKEN, ITH THUTH: WHO DIAGNOTHED THE TWO COUTHINTH’ MUTUAL COUTHIN WITH FANTATHY NON HODGEKINTH LYMPHOMA?”
“Alright Krumbumbum,” chuckled Broderica, “twerk your magic.”
“Uhmmm,” Krumbumbum crackled out a strianed, whistly voice. “One, eh, one minute, eh cluck cluck. Just thinking.”
“OKAY. THE CHAFFING ITH VERY PANFUL THO PLEATHE HURRY UP.”
“Don’t cluck cluck don’t worry cluck I’ll cluck I’ll have it figured out in a second…”
“INTERETHTING HOW YOUR BEAK DOETHN’T MOVE WHEN YOU TALK. I’D LIKE TO LEARN HOW TO DO THAT.”
“Heh cluck yea it’s just uh cluck one of my many gifts. Now just cluck one second more I’ve almost—”
The chicken’s jaws snapped open like they were spring loaded.
BUKAWWWFFFFSHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The thphinkth’th beautiful prismatic face was engulfed in crackling flames, charring it black as dirt.
“OWWW OWW WHAT THE CLUCK OWW THAT’TH NOT THE ANTHWER!!”
BUBUKAWWWFFFFSHHHHHHHH
This time when the flames cleared the thphinkth’th face crumbled into dust. Then its’ slithering torso slowed to a lull as it slowly tumbled downward, itself breaking apart into flowers, glitter and coils of rainbow light.
Broderica snorted. “That’s the gayest shit I’ve ever seen.”
Then she looked over at Krumbumbum’s bottle of nail polish and snatched it.
“What cluck vitch get your own!”
“I want to feel pretty, that guy kept calling me hairy!”
“Hey uh um guys uh do you do you see that what’s what’s that over there?”
Broderica exhaled in exasperation. “Over where?”
“Over there where I’m pointing.”
“I don’t see anything.” Krumbumbum blew on her nails.
“Neither of you are looking where I’m pointing! The ship thing over there!!”
Inexplicably hearing Biscuit Pisser say ‘the ship thing over there’ allowed Broderica and Krumbumbum to look up and ahead in the direction of Biscuit Pisser’s pointing finger where they saw the lumbering figure of a wooden skyship sailing across the clouds. The pielight painted a light pink glow along the topmost edges of the ship. They watched as a small latch at the bottom of the ship swung open and what appeared to be sewage drizzled out. The latch snapped shut. They figured it must’ve led to the poop deck.
“Feathery clucking shit,” gasped Broderica, dropping the nail polish. “I’d know that ship anywhere. It’s the skyrates. Those motherclucking bass turds. I’ll get my ASS out of their clutches before they can so much as give it another squeeze!”
Krumbumbum watched her nail polish plummet with a huff. “Well then. This magics almost climactic.”
“That might just be all the vibrations from the chicken you’re feeling Krumbumbum.”
“Ew what the cluck you’re disgrossting Biscuit Pisser.”
“What?! You said it not me!”
They waited impatiently as they watched the ship grow further and further away.
“What the cluck?!” screeched Broderica. “Why aren’t we catching up to it?”
“Maybe the chicken’s going too slow.”
“Krumbumbum, this fire breathing celestial goddess, this, this majestic air fowl, is undoubtedly full of much more speed and power than that hamned sky barnacle encrusted barf stained shitmobile! We’ve simply got to get it to mush!”
“Excrete me Shitface? Did you just say we’ve got to mush the chicken?”
“Yes.”
“Is that possible?”
“What if we just had it set the ship on fire?”
“Krumbumbum are you crazy? Then we’ll just burn my ass up!”
“Oh come on Broderica surely you can buy another ass. Really there’s no need for this silly conflict I couldn’t care less about I just want to figure out how to get rid of my tits.”
“You vitch how many times do we have to tell you you barely have tits at all! Also why are you tugging on your earlobes like you’re casting a spell?”
“Because I’m casting a spell, duh.”
“What kind of spell?”
“Protection spell. I don’t want to catch skyscurvy when we board the skyship.”
Broderica suddenly howled with glee. “Are you—are you clucking shitting me?! Seriously? Krumbumbum come on now you cannot be serious I mean—oh cock—Biscuit Pisser come on tell me she’s not serious I mean—whew!”
Biscuit Pisser managed a conservative chuckle. “It is pretty clucking funny.”
“What’s funny? It never hurts to be safe!”
“Krumbumbum you can’t just catch skyscurvy! It happens if you don’t eat enough grapefruit! Clucking idiot!”
“Yea really Krumbumbum get your shit together.”
They sat there and continued fussing as the skyship grew further and further away, blurring in the thickness of smoke and swirling pielight clouds.
