Krumbumbum leaned to Biscuit Pisser, staring at Broderica and Pamela vitching at eachother in the distance and sighing.
“I can’t believe I cast hip thrust magic for this shit.”
“I donn’t knoww, Krumbumbumm, I thinkk it’ss pretty funnny.”
“Do you think they’re flirting or arguing?”
“Maybe bothh.”
“Ah. That makes sense. I guess.”
They stood there awkwardly for a moment, staring at the swirling pielight clouds and tapping their toes in slightly different patterns. Before scarcely more than a painful minute had passed, they were jarred by the sight of the skyratiest looking skyrate on Gurth jump from the hull of his ship and land peg leggedly on their own cracking hull, swishing over to them with a disgruntled look on his eyepatched face.
“Ahoy. Aye be Green Garey. Aye hope ye are doing well, all tharrngs considarrrged.”
“Um. Sure,” Krumbumbum readjusted her slipping top, putting out a weak hand to shake only to notice Green Garey’s hook, “Nice to, ehrm, meet you, Green Garey. Nice, uh, nice hook hand you’ve got there.”
“Thanks. It’s temporarrgy.”
“Oh. How, uhm, how nice,” Krumbumbum tried her best not to tremble.
“Puut her theere, chupperweaar!” Biscuit Pisser sloshed a hand over, cutting herself on Green Garey’s hook.
“Avast! Aye arrgpologize, t’was unintentionaargal, aye sweaaarg! Let me see if aye haargve a banadge anywheaarrr…”
“Don’t worrry aboutt it it’s fiiine,” Biscuit Pisser waved her bleeding hand dismissively.
Krumbumbum sighed and stuck two fingers in Biscuit Pisser’s right nostril. The cut healed right up.
“Yaaarg! Ye must be some sort of waarrrrrlock, aye?”
“A warlock? Why you absolute—” Krumbumbum looked into Green Garey’s earnest eye and held herself back, “I am a wizard, thank you very much.”
“Aye see, aye see. So, why are ye skyrates again?”
“Oh, we’re not skyrates,” Krumbumbum assured him.
“Whaat are you taalking about, Krumbumbumm? I’mm caaptain! Loook at thiss shitt,” Biscuit Pisser smirked and clapped her hands drunkenly.
Two skyrates scurried up to her. “Aye aye, cap’n.”
“Aaren’t theyy just the cutesst little sslav—mehardiess?”
“Yaaarg!” Green Garey shouted in embarassment. “Look, is this aarg skyrate ship or isn’t it?”
Krumbumbum leaned over to him and whispered, “We’re honestly not sure. The captain said he was in deep doodoo before the ostrich came in and murdered him.”
Green Garey blinked in fierce confusion.
“Don’t worry about it the ostrich hasn’t showed back up since then.”
Green Garey popped open a flask and took a swig, “Aye don’t usually do this on the job, but aye figure at this point, cluck it.”
Biscuit Pisser chortled. “A sskyrate who doesnn’t drink on the joob? What a cluucking trip!”
“What?” Green Garey snorted liquor out his nostrils. “Me? A skyrate? Aye’m not skyrate! Aye’m a member of the Royal Goaaarrd! Aye’m Parrrmela’s parrrgtner!”
Biscuit Pisser leaned to Krumbumbum with a wide, slurring smile. “Are youu heaaring this shhit?”
“He could easily not be a skyrate Biscuit Pisser come on now.”
“Avast! What are ye whisperarrrging arrrrgbout?”
Krumbumbum blinked in embarassment. “Nothing.”
“Aye didn’t mean to impose on ye two, anywhatfer. Aye just felt a bit,” Green Garey turned to look over at Pamela, who was motorboating Broderica’s tits to prove whether they were fake or real, “Uncomfarrgtable.”
“Yea, I understand that,” Krumbumbum nodded, looking away from the ladies and suppressing her faint arousal, “Say, what’s that up there?”
Biscuit Pisser and Green Garey looked up as Krumbumbum pointed to what looked to be the underbelly of yet another skyrate ship hanging out of a pink cloud about fifty feet overhead.
“Avast! Could it be?”
“I hoope they aren’t aactual skyratess.”
“Aye don’t know arrgbout that. Aye have a sinking feeling in me starrrmache.”
***
“Stop it vitch stop it clucking stop!” Broderica pushed Pamela away before she could disrobe her. “I promise you I’m all woman right now okay can’t you trust me?”
“How am I supposed to trust anything you say you clucking skyrate?!”
“I’m not a clucking skyrate cockhamnit! I don’t think either of us is a skyrate!” Broderica looked at Pamela’s crossbow, laying on the deck, and kicked it away. “Sorry I just want to put some distance between myself and that thing in case you decide to try and clucking murder me again.”
“Fair enough.”
Broderica looked up and did a double take.
“What in the cluck is that?”
“What in the cluck is what? The reason I know you’re really the skyrate that hijacked that skytrain?”
“Oh cluck off vitch. What is that up in the air?”
Pamela looked up. “Well. That looks like the underbelly of a skyrate ship.”
“Do you need to whip your notebook out and imagine how it looks naked?”
“Cluck you.”
“Do you think my ass is up there?”
“I have no idea where your ass is.”
“I’ll take that as a probably. And you know what else I think?”
“I think you misunderstand my notebook.”
“I think you misunderstand your notebook.”
Pamela huffed, “Touche.”
“Now. What else I think is that if our skyrates aren’t the skytrain robbing ass-nappers, and your skyrates aren’t the skytrain robbing ass-nappers, and skyrates are generally considered rarities, and there is a third skyrate ship here above our two wrecked skyrate ships…” Broderica inhaled dramatically, as she had not taken a breath during her entire drawling deliberation, “…then there’s no way in hen those are the skyrates we’re looking for, either. I mean it’s ridiculous enough that we crashed into eachother like this. Hen, they’re probably not even skyrates up there! They’re probably a bunch of aliens pretending to be skyrates or something stupid like that.”
Pamela looked down, “You’re probably right. It’d be just absurd for that to be them. Then again, what’s the worst thing that could happen if we went up there and checked?”
“We could get probed.”
“That’d take up a whole notebook on its own.”
“Well then. Now that I’ve convinced you, how the hen are we getting up there, you clucking vitch?”
“How’d you get up here to this ship?” Pamela winked and looked over to Krumbumbum.
“Motherclucker. You’re saying you want to hump our way up to the ship?”
“Couldn’t hurt, could it?”
“That could most clucking definitely hurt you clucking lunatic!”
“Why is that vitch pointing at me like that?” Krumbumbum hissed, glaring at Broderica. Then, she muttered to herself, “Rubbing her clucking tits in my face all over again…”
“I think if aanything she’ll be ruubbing her tiits inn that oother woman’s faace, Kruumbumbumm.”
“Now she’s gyrating. Oh cock why can’t I look away it’s so horrible.”
“Juust iiignooooore her.”
“She’s pointing to that other ship now. What is she trying to tell me?”
“Maaybe she waants a drinnk.”
“No, I just magically filled her boob flasks before she stormed over there. It’s got to b—oh no, you’re right, she’s miming slamming back a drink now, okay one second—”
“ALCOHOL!”
A handle of gin appeared in Broderica’s hand. She gave Krumbumb a shrug, took a swig, and then resumed gyrating and pointing at the ship above them.
“Cock hamnit she still wants something. And now that Royal Gourd lady is doing it too. This just feels wrong. Dirty. You know what?”
“ALCOHOL!”
A large handle of gin was now in Krumbumbum’s hand. She popped off the top and chugged.
“Avast! May aye harrrve some? Aye seem to harrrve depleted me flask.”
“Sure,” rasped Krumbumbum, wiping her lip and passing him the bottle.
“Thank ye,” Green Garey graciously clasped the bottle in his one hand, trying awkwardly to offset some of its weight with his hook hand as he tipped it over to chug.
“Whaat about meeee—” Biscuit Pisser could barely finish her thought before she fell face first onto the deck, drooling.
“Oh cock,” Krumbumbum gasped, “I think I know what it is she wants.”
Krumbumbum waited for someone to ask her what it was Broderica wanted, but Green Garey was drinking and Biscuit Pisser was near catatonic.
“I said—” Krumbumbum clered her throat and let a strap of her dress tumble askew, “—I think I know what she wants.”
Broderica continued her air thrusting.
Biscuit Pisser pushed herself up from the deck, letting loose a small blob of barf. “Ohhh does she wannt you to usee your magic to leet us hump ourselvess up to the ship?”
Krumbumbum sighed at Biscuit Pisser. Then she whipped a steel coated heel out of her leather purse and whacked Biscuit Pisser in the back of the head with it.
“Well,” Krumbumbum groaned, wiping the blood off her heel with a small embroidered kerchief and plopping it back into her purse, “I think that Broderica’s trying to tell us that she wants me to use my magic to let us hump ourselves up to the ship. To which I say, ouch, in advance.”
Green Garey held up a finger as he continued chugging. Finally finishing the bottle off, Green Garey released it from his lips with a pop and let loose a satisfied belch. Then, he tossed it forcefully towards the side of the ship, instead striking a deckhand in the temple and sending them floundering onto the floor in a spasm.
“Now,” Green Garey covered up another belch with his hook, “What were ye saying? Aye didn’t hear ye.”
Krumbumbum leaned to Biscuit Pisser, staring at Broderica and Pamela vitching at eachother in the distance and sighing.
“I can’t believe I cast hip thrust magic for this shit.”
“I donn’t knoww, Krumbumbumm, I thinkk it’ss pretty funnny.”
“Do you think they’re flirting or arguing?”
“Maybe bothh.”
“Ah. That makes sense. I guess.”
They stood there awkwardly for a moment, staring at the swirling pielight clouds and tapping their toes in slightly different patterns. Before scarcely more than a painful minute had passed, they were jarred by the sight of the skyratiest looking skyrate on Gurth jump from the hull of his ship and land peg leggedly on their own cracking hull, swishing over to them with a disgruntled look on his eyepatched face.
“Ahoy. Aye be Green Garey. Aye hope ye are doing well, all tharrngs considarrrged.”
“Um. Sure,” Krumbumbum readjusted her slipping top, putting out a weak hand to shake only to notice Green Garey’s hook, “Nice to, ehrm, meet you, Green Garey. Nice, uh, nice hook hand you’ve got there.”
“Thanks. It’s temporarrgy.”
“Oh. How, uhm, how nice,” Krumbumbum tried her best not to tremble.
“Puut her theere, chupperweaar!” Biscuit Pisser sloshed a hand over, cutting herself on Green Garey’s hook.
“Avast! Aye arrgpologize, t’was unintentionaargal, aye sweaaarg! Let me see if aye haargve a banadge anywheaarrr…”
“Don’t worrry aboutt it it’s fiiine,” Biscuit Pisser waved her bleeding hand dismissively.
Krumbumbum sighed and stuck two fingers in Biscuit Pisser’s right nostril. The cut healed right up.
“Yaaarg! Ye must be some sort of waarrrrrlock, aye?”
“A warlock? Why you absolute—” Krumbumbum looked into Green Garey’s earnest eye and held herself back, “I am a wizard, thank you very much.”
“Aye see, aye see. So, why are ye skyrates again?”
“Oh, we’re not skyrates,” Krumbumbum assured him.
“Whaat are you taalking about, Krumbumbumm? I’mm caaptain! Loook at thiss shitt,” Biscuit Pisser smirked and clapped her hands drunkenly.
Two skyrates scurried up to her. “Aye aye, cap’n.”
“Aaren’t theyy just the cutesst little sslav—mehardiess?”
“Yaaarg!” Green Garey shouted in embarassment. “Look, is this aarg skyrate ship or isn’t it?”
Krumbumbum leaned over to him and whispered, “We’re honestly not sure. The captain said he was in deep doodoo before the ostrich came in and murdered him.”
Green Garey blinked in fierce confusion.
“Don’t worry about it the ostrich hasn’t showed back up since then.”
Green Garey popped open a flask and took a swig, “Aye don’t usually do this on the job, but aye figure at this point, cluck it.”
Biscuit Pisser chortled. “A sskyrate who doesnn’t drink on the joob? What a cluucking trip!”
“What?” Green Garey snorted liquor out his nostrils. “Me? A skyrate? Aye’m not skyrate! Aye’m a member of the Royal Goaaarrd! Aye’m Parrrmela’s parrrgtner!”
Biscuit Pisser leaned to Krumbumbum with a wide, slurring smile. “Are youu heaaring this shhit?”
“He could easily not be a skyrate Biscuit Pisser come on now.”
“Avast! What are ye whisperarrrging arrrrgbout?”
Krumbumbum blinked in embarassment. “Nothing.”
“Aye didn’t mean to impose on ye two, anywhatfer. Aye just felt a bit,” Green Garey turned to look over at Pamela, who was motorboating Broderica’s tits to prove whether they were fake or real, “Uncomfarrgtable.”
“Yea, I understand that,” Krumbumbum nodded, looking away from the ladies and suppressing her faint arousal, “Say, what’s that up there?”
Biscuit Pisser and Green Garey looked up as Krumbumbum pointed to what looked to be the underbelly of yet another skyrate ship hanging out of a pink cloud about fifty feet overhead.
“Avast! Could it be?”
“I hoope they aren’t aactual skyratess.”
“Aye don’t know arrgbout that. Aye have a sinking feeling in me starrrmache.”
***
“Stop it vitch stop it clucking stop!” Broderica pushed Pamela away before she could disrobe her. “I promise you I’m all woman right now okay can’t you trust me?”
“How am I supposed to trust anything you say you clucking skyrate?!”
“I’m not a clucking skyrate cockhamnit! I don’t think either of us is a skyrate!” Broderica looked at Pamela’s crossbow, laying on the deck, and kicked it away. “Sorry I just want to put some distance between myself and that thing in case you decide to try and clucking murder me again.”
“Fair enough.”
Broderica looked up and did a double take.
“What in the cluck is that?”
“What in the cluck is what? The reason I know you’re really the skyrate that hijacked that skytrain?”
“Oh cluck off vitch. What is that up in the air?”
Pamela looked up. “Well. That looks like the underbelly of a skyrate ship.”
“Do you need to whip your notebook out and imagine how it looks naked?”
“Cluck you.”
“Do you think my ass is up there?”
“I have no idea where your ass is.”
“I’ll take that as a probably. And you know what else I think?”
“I think you misunderstand my notebook.”
“I think you misunderstand your notebook.”
Pamela huffed, “Touche.”
“Now. What else I think is that if our skyrates aren’t the skytrain robbing ass-nappers, and your skyrates aren’t the skytrain robbing ass-nappers, and skyrates are generally considered rarities, and there is a third skyrate ship here above our two wrecked skyrate ships…” Broderica inhaled dramatically, as she had not taken a breath during her entire drawling deliberation, “…then there’s no way in hen those are the skyrates we’re looking for, either. I mean it’s ridiculous enough that we crashed into eachother like this. Hen, they’re probably not even skyrates up there! They’re probably a bunch of aliens pretending to be skyrates or something stupid like that.”
Pamela looked down, “You’re probably right. It’d be just absurd for that to be them. Then again, what’s the worst thing that could happen if we went up there and checked?”
“We could get probed.”
“That’d take up a whole notebook on its own.”
“Well then. Now that I’ve convinced you, how the hen are we getting up there, you clucking vitch?”
“How’d you get up here to this ship?” Pamela winked and looked over to Krumbumbum.
“Motherclucker. You’re saying you want to hump our way up to the ship?”
“Couldn’t hurt, could it?”
“That could most clucking definitely hurt you clucking lunatic!”
“Why is that vitch pointing at me like that?” Krumbumbum hissed, glaring at Broderica. Then, she muttered to herself, “Rubbing her clucking tits in my face all over again…”
“I think if aanything she’ll be ruubbing her tiits inn that oother woman’s faace, Kruumbumbumm.”
“Now she’s gyrating. Oh cock why can’t I look away it’s so horrible.”
“Juust iiignooooore her.”
“She’s pointing to that other ship now. What is she trying to tell me?”
“Maaybe she waants a drinnk.”
“No, I just magically filled her boob flasks before she stormed over there. It’s got to b—oh no, you’re right, she’s miming slamming back a drink now, okay one second—”
“ALCOHOL!”
A handle of gin appeared in Broderica’s hand. She gave Krumbumb a shrug, took a swig, and then resumed gyrating and pointing at the ship above them.
“Cock hamnit she still wants something. And now that Royal Gourd lady is doing it too. This just feels wrong. Dirty. You know what?”
“ALCOHOL!”
A large handle of gin was now in Krumbumbum’s hand. She popped off the top and chugged.
“Avast! May aye harrrve some? Aye seem to harrrve depleted me flask.”
“Sure,” rasped Krumbumbum, wiping her lip and passing him the bottle.
“Thank ye,” Green Garey graciously clasped the bottle in his one hand, trying awkwardly to offset some of its weight with his hook hand as he tipped it over to chug.
“Whaat about meeee—” Biscuit Pisser could barely finish her thought before she fell face first onto the deck, drooling.
“Oh cock,” Krumbumbum gasped, “I think I know what it is she wants.”
Krumbumbum waited for someone to ask her what it was Broderica wanted, but Green Garey was drinking and Biscuit Pisser was near catatonic.
“I said—” Krumbumbum clered her throat and let a strap of her dress tumble askew, “—I think I know what she wants.”
Broderica continued her air thrusting.
Biscuit Pisser pushed herself up from the deck, letting loose a small blob of barf. “Ohhh does she wannt you to usee your magic to leet us hump ourselvess up to the ship?”
Krumbumbum sighed at Biscuit Pisser. Then she whipped a steel coated heel out of her leather purse and whacked Biscuit Pisser in the back of the head with it.
“Well,” Krumbumbum groaned, wiping the blood off her heel with a small embroidered kerchief and plopping it back into her purse, “I think that Broderica’s trying to tell us that she wants me to use my magic to let us hump ourselves up to the ship. To which I say, ouch, in advance.”
Green Garey held up a finger as he continued chugging. Finally finishing the bottle off, Green Garey released it from his lips with a pop and let loose a satisfied belch. Then, he tossed it forcefully towards the side of the ship, instead striking a deckhand in the temple and sending them floundering onto the floor in a spasm.
“Now,” Green Garey covered up another belch with his hook, “What were ye saying? Aye didn’t hear ye.”
