The hustle and bustle of the skyrate skyacht bar slash strip club smash gambling den was on full tilt. Smoke clouded the air like fog on a swamp. Lights dazzled in epileptic siezures. Also there were a bunch of drunk men and almost as many energetic strippers.
“Broderica, I think there’s something off about this skyrate skyacht bar slash strip club slash gambling den,” Krumbumbum whined, sticking her butt out as if she were a display mannequin with an extreme case of scoliosis.
“What? That all the drinks are watered down and no one’s paying for mine in exchange for lusting over me like a fresh honeyed ham even though I have tits?”
“Broderica, ew. Have you looked at any of the strippers here?”
“Not really.”
Krumbumbum balked.
“Krumbumbum the drinks have really put me off this place. If they’re watering down the liquor why wouldn’t they water down the strippers?”
“Broderica what the hen does that even mean? Maybe they’re just watering down the drinks because you’re being a vitch to everybody.”
“Cluck off. I’m trying to find my ass anyways I don’t have time to look at naked women.”
“That’s what I’m getting at, Broderica. Have you looked at any of their necks? They’ve all got—”
“Stop clucking talking about strippers Krumbumbum cock hamn vitch who gives a shit if they’ve got three necks?!”
“Um, excrete me?” interrupted a stripper in an airy yet deep voice, glaring at Krumbumbum “Why do you keep gawking at me, woman?”
“I knew it! You’re a man! You’re all men!”
The stripper sighed. “Technically I am a woman that a wizard accidentally turned into a man and then forgot how to turn back and now I do this for fun.”
“Wh-what?” Krumbumbum stuttered. “Are you joking?”
“Of course she’s not joking!” spat another stripper with five o’ clock shadow.
Broderica rolled her eyes and complained to the first stripper about the weakness of her drink.
“So what, you’re a woman that got turned into a man too?” Krumbumbum mused.
“Hen no I’ve always been a man!” snapped the second stripper. “But I’m a woman of course.”
Krumbumbum’s eyes crossed and she looked close to a nosebleed. Then, she turned to a third stripper. “So, stripper, are you a man that was always a man but is actually a woman or are you a man that was a woman and got turned into a man?”
The stripper’s icy pupils dilated. “F’firust uf awl, m’miyusrah, a’ahm n’nahwt w’wun uf th’eeyuh e’xawtic d’dansurs—a’ah d’don’ w’urk h’eyur—ah j’jus—ah j’us o’owe th’theyuh s’skahruts s’sum m’monay. A’h b’been l’ayt a’wn mah p’paymens f’foh w’whail n’naiw an…an…s’sayuh, y’yoo m’mahtay r’rood b’but ‘as a’nyboday t’awl yoo y’oo g’gaht b’byootful a’ahys?”
Krumbumbum stumbled back. This was not a stripper. This was the snaggletoothed, mole covered woman that Broderica had found herself infatuated with back in the now defunct Windless Forest.
“Did you say I have,” Krumbumbum’s top flopped askew, “Did you say I have beautiful eyes?”
“A’ah d’diyud. T’mos b’yootful ah’ayebawlls ah d’un e’evah s’eeyun.”
Krumbumbum bristled in anticipation. “Are there any back rooms here?”
“O’owuh s’owuh m’manay. A’ah c’cayun sh’showuh yoo,” the woman grabbed Krumbumbum’s wrist and yanked her away.
“You know Krumbumbum these strippers are pretty cool I don’t know why you were verbally shitting all over them earlier. Not really my thing but I mean one of them had moonshine so really how bad can—Krumbumbum?” Broderica’s jaw dropped open as she saw the woman she had never spoken a word to yet was hopelessly infatuated with yanking Krumbumbum off into the shadows like she was a fresh piece of veal. “That clucking skank.”
“Oh honey did you know that girl?” one of the strippers gingerly massaged Broderica’s shoulder.
“Know that girl?!” Broderica hacked. “I’m only clucking in love with her!!”
“Can I help you feel like a man again?”
“No, but I appreciate the thought, Deepthroatia.”
“That’s…not my name, Broderica.”
“What?”
“That’s not even my stage name.”
“Okay well what is it then?”
“It’s—”
The skyrate skyacht bar slash strip club smash gambling den faded to a faintly murmuring silence as the doors of the entryway slammed open and then off their hinges as a lumbering hooded figure, flanked and followed by other, smaller hooded figures, pushed their way inside.
“Well well well,” cackled a comically high pitched voice as the large figure angled itself forward and pointed a crooked finger at Broderica, “Look who we have here.”
Broderica spit moonshine out of her mouth and nose in an uncontrolled cackle. “Holy cluck.”
Jeffrey with a G unfurled his hood, revealing his putrid, grotesque facade. “Still turned into a woman I see, Broderica.”
“Still talking like a small woodland creature from a magical children’s cartoon I see, Jeffrey.”
“It’s Jeffrey with a G cockhammit!” Jeffrey with a G lurched forward, his bright pink, smiley face covered tail thrasing like that of a scorpion’s. Then, he breathed in deeply and high pitchedly. “Wanna watch me do a trick?”
“No?! Are you my clucking dog or something?”
“Shut up!” squeaked Jeffrey with a G. “You’re gonna watch anyways you little shit!”
“No I’m not,” Broderica suckled on a hidden titty flask.
Jeffrey with a G’s cloaked companions flowed around him and Broderica in a circle, pushing bar patrons out and away and cackling halffartedly.
“Behold!” squealed Jeffrey with a G. He took his claws and grabbed his huge jaws, unhinging them like a snake’s and drawing them wide as a skyshark’s. A smaller, bloody version of his head popped out from his outstreched mouth and small, bloody hands unhinged the jaw of this head to once again stretch it widely, though not as quite wide as the original mouth. Then, another even smaller, even bloodier version of his head popped out from this tertiary mouth. On this continued for about five minutes, many bar patrons once again losing their interest and going back to fawning over strippers.
Broderica, who herself had started looking around to see if she recognized any skyrates, did a double take when she noticed that Jeffrey with a G had stretched open his nesting mouths about six times.
“Holy shit. That can’t be comfortable.”
“It’s even more uncomfortable when I’m gnashing on your bones and your muscles and all your organs you measley little turnip!”
“Wait, you’re going to clucking eat me?”
“That’s the plan, chupperina.”
“Well Jeffrey with a G,” Broderica sighed, heaving her boobs out forcefully, “I never! You know I heard a lot of bad things about you but nobody ever said you were a cannibal. How does human flesh taste?”
“W-well I—”
“Come on don’t be coy with me. If I’m going to be eaten the least you could do is let me know how I’ll taste. What kind of a death is it to get eaten by somebody and not even know what you taste like?”
“Look, lady—”
“Hmmmm,” Broderica did her best to make this ‘hmmm’ sexy. It was a little forced and more than a little off-putting. “You know I think I know how we can solve this little problem of ours.”
“You can shut the cluck up?”
“No no no no no. Silly Jeffrey. With a G. You go ahead and bite off one of my arms and let me know what you think. I want a very detailed review.”
“I’m not sure that’s what I had in mind.”
“If you’re going to eat me can’t I at least have some sort of say over how it all goes down? I am a sentient being, you know. You could just have a hand if you’d rather. Hen, take a finger!” she did not miss this opportunity to flick Jeffrey with a G off. “Or if you’d rather you could just bite off my feet. Just be sure not to hit an arterie I don’t want to lose consciousness before you can tell me what eating me is like.”
Jeffrey with a G stood there, his many mouths open wide yet looking somewhat unsettled.
“Well? What do you want to start with? Surely you’ve got to have a preference! I mean I’m fresh! I’m free range! I’ve got to be the best meal you’ve ever cannabalized, Jeffrey with a G!”
“I…nnvr…hhmaammfffpphh…” mumbled Jeffrey with a G sheepishly and squeakishly.
“What was that?”
“I’ve…nvrr..hddd…etnn…anbdffphhh…”
“You’ve got to speak up! I’m still in shock about being eaten, after all.”
Jeffrey with a G slowly retracted his mouths and grumbled shamefully, “I’ve never eaten anybody before.”
“My gourd!” Broderica gasped, jiggling her titties hypnotically. “So I’m to be your first human? I’m going to proverbially pop your human eating cherry?”
“Y…yes…” His many mouths were now almost fully compacted.
“Well I had no idea! My cock! Let’s have a drink!” Broderica cheered, producing two flasks from her crotch. She did a double take, realizing where the flasks had come from. “Ohh. I didn’t think about that. Do you mind? I think I might have another flask laying around somewhere on my body but…oh who am I kidding? You’re gonna eat me! Why would you mind, that’s absurd! Here ya go!” Broderica handed Jeffrey with a G a flask, popping open her own with glee before realizing a problem. “I see your claws would make opening that really difficult. Here, let me help.” Broderica tightened her teeth around the top of the flask and popped it out as if it were giving her sexual release. Someone far off in the crowd wailed about a sharp flask topper penetrating their iris. Jeffrey with a G shuddered.
“Cheers!” Broderica proclaimed, thrusting her flask forward to clink with Jeffrey with a G’s. “To you eating me to death!”
“Cheers,” warbled Jeffrey with a G, gingerly lifting the flask to his gargantuan mouth and sipping gingerly, immediately jerking back and sputtering. “H-how strong is this?”
“Yes.” Broderica had already finished hers off.
Jeffrey with a G took another sip and reeled.
“Oh come on now Jeffrey with a G. You’ve got to just pound it down it’s what it’s made for.”
“I’m not s-sure that th-”
“Come on pound it!”
The crowd began chanting pound it, pound it, POUND IT!!, but it was just a coincidence that had more to do with something stripper related.
Jeffrey with a G, not noticing this discrepancy, felt sufficiently peer pressured and chugged the flask down like a hinge-jawed monster. Then, he hacked, and hacked, and collapsed on the floor.
“Jeffrey with a G?” Broderica raised a puzzled eyebrow. “Hello? Aren’t you going to eat me?”
Jeffrey with a G remained still as a crumpled statue.
Broderica leaned down to his gruesome face and whispered. “Jeffrey with a G? Helloo?”
Nothing.
Broderica shrugged, then cocked back her flask and shattered it over his forehead, immediately prompting a weak cough.
“Leave me alone!” whined Jeffrey with a G in the voice of a crackling animatronic mouse. “Can’t you see I’m dying, you clucking moron?”
“I mean that would definitely be helpful to me. If you died, I mean.”
“Well congratulations. That drink was so cockhamned strong it clucking murdered me. You have a clucking problem, you know.”
“Oh I know. I’m still stuck as a woman!”
“That’s hardly a problem at all. Easiest shit ever to fix.”
Broderica sparkled with joy. “You mean you really know how to?”
“Your clucking idiot of a wizard ought to know himse— or herse— or whatever self. But…yes. Just…tell me one thing yourself and I’ll tell you.”
“Okay,” Broderica reshaped her tits to make them look extra appealing.
“Were you actually going to let me eat you?”
Broderica looked over to the side and sighed. “Suuuure. Yup. I sure was.”
“Thank you…you are…a kind…soul…kind of…”
“Okay tell me how to become a man again already!”
“All your wizard has…to do…is…cast the…same…spell again…”
“What?” Broderica sat back, eyes wide. “Are you clucking kidding me?”
Jeffrey with a G rasped out a weak hack. “N…o…I’m…not.”
Jeffrey with a G keeled, rolled over on his back, and stuck his four limbs up in the air. His tail flopped down, crushing a cloaked henchperson.
Broderica stood to her feet, shaking with rage. “I can’t believe it. I just can’t clucking believe it.”
Broderica whipped out an ass flask and finished it off, smashing it on the floor. Then she whipped out another ass flask, finished that one off, and smashed it on the floor as well. Then, she whipped out another ass flask, finished that one off, and—
“Hey! Lady with the big tits!” garbled a skyrate off in the crowd.
Broderica froze.
“Stop clucking smashing your flasks all over the floor! We just had this shit waxed! It’s clucking expensive and distracting as hen you cockhamned hussy! We’re trying to watch them POUND IT!”
Broderica sighed and halffartedly smashed it over Jeffrey with a G’s dead head instead.
“Thank you, that was much better. Less distracting, less messy, less expensive. I appreciate your discretion, you clucking skank.”
Broderica huffed, eyes burning with rage, looking for the hallway that Krumbumbum had disappeared down with the woman she thought she loved. She was ready to make that vitch pay.
The hustle and bustle of the skyrate skyacht bar slash strip club smash gambling den was on full tilt. Smoke clouded the air like fog on a swamp. Lights dazzled in epileptic siezures. Also there were a bunch of drunk men and almost as many energetic strippers.
“Broderica, I think there’s something off about this skyrate skyacht bar slash strip club slash gambling den,” Krumbumbum whined, sticking her butt out as if she were a display mannequin with an extreme case of scoliosis.
“What? That all the drinks are watered down and no one’s paying for mine in exchange for lusting over me like a fresh honeyed ham even though I have tits?”
“Broderica, ew. Have you looked at any of the strippers here?”
“Not really.”
Krumbumbum balked.
“Krumbumbum the drinks have really put me off this place. If they’re watering down the liquor why wouldn’t they water down the strippers?”
“Broderica what the hen does that even mean? Maybe they’re just watering down the drinks because you’re being a vitch to everybody.”
“Cluck off. I’m trying to find my ass anyways I don’t have time to look at naked women.”
“That’s what I’m getting at, Broderica. Have you looked at any of their necks? They’ve all got—”
“Stop clucking talking about strippers Krumbumbum cock hamn vitch who gives a shit if they’ve got three necks?!”
“Um, excrete me?” interrupted a stripper in an airy yet deep voice, glaring at Krumbumbum “Why do you keep gawking at me, woman?”
“I knew it! You’re a man! You’re all men!”
The stripper sighed. “Technically I am a woman that a wizard accidentally turned into a man and then forgot how to turn back and now I do this for fun.”
“Wh-what?” Krumbumbum stuttered. “Are you joking?”
“Of course she’s not joking!” spat another stripper with five o’ clock shadow.
Broderica rolled her eyes and complained to the first stripper about the weakness of her drink.
“So what, you’re a woman that got turned into a man too?” Krumbumbum mused.
“Hen no I’ve always been a man!” snapped the second stripper. “But I’m a woman of course.”
Krumbumbum’s eyes crossed and she looked close to a nosebleed. Then, she turned to a third stripper. “So, stripper, are you a man that was always a man but is actually a woman or are you a man that was a woman and got turned into a man?”
The stripper’s icy pupils dilated. “F’firust uf awl, m’miyusrah, a’ahm n’nahwt w’wun uf th’eeyuh e’xawtic d’dansurs—a’ah d’don’ w’urk h’eyur—ah j’jus—ah j’us o’owe th’theyuh s’skahruts s’sum m’monay. A’h b’been l’ayt a’wn mah p’paymens f’foh w’whail n’naiw an…an…s’sayuh, y’yoo m’mahtay r’rood b’but ‘as a’nyboday t’awl yoo y’oo g’gaht b’byootful a’ahys?”
Krumbumbum stumbled back. This was not a stripper. This was the snaggletoothed, mole covered woman that Broderica had found herself infatuated with back in the now defunct Windless Forest.
“Did you say I have,” Krumbumbum’s top flopped askew, “Did you say I have beautiful eyes?”
“A’ah d’diyud. T’mos b’yootful ah’ayebawlls ah d’un e’evah s’eeyun.”
Krumbumbum bristled in anticipation. “Are there any back rooms here?”
“O’owuh s’owuh m’manay. A’ah c’cayun sh’showuh yoo,” the woman grabbed Krumbumbum’s wrist and yanked her away.
“You know Krumbumbum these strippers are pretty cool I don’t know why you were verbally shitting all over them earlier. Not really my thing but I mean one of them had moonshine so really how bad can—Krumbumbum?” Broderica’s jaw dropped open as she saw the woman she had never spoken a word to yet was hopelessly infatuated with yanking Krumbumbum off into the shadows like she was a fresh piece of veal. “That clucking skank.”
“Oh honey did you know that girl?” one of the strippers gingerly massaged Broderica’s shoulder.
“Know that girl?!” Broderica hacked. “I’m only clucking in love with her!!”
“Can I help you feel like a man again?”
“No, but I appreciate the thought, Deepthroatia.”
“That’s…not my name, Broderica.”
“What?”
“That’s not even my stage name.”
“Okay well what is it then?”
“It’s—”
The skyrate skyacht bar slash strip club smash gambling den faded to a faintly murmuring silence as the doors of the entryway slammed open and then off their hinges as a lumbering hooded figure, flanked and followed by other, smaller hooded figures, pushed their way inside.
“Well well well,” cackled a comically high pitched voice as the large figure angled itself forward and pointed a crooked finger at Broderica, “Look who we have here.”
Broderica spit moonshine out of her mouth and nose in an uncontrolled cackle. “Holy cluck.”
Jeffrey with a G unfurled his hood, revealing his putrid, grotesque facade. “Still turned into a woman I see, Broderica.”
“Still talking like a small woodland creature from a magical children’s cartoon I see, Jeffrey.”
“It’s Jeffrey with a G cockhammit!” Jeffrey with a G lurched forward, his bright pink, smiley face covered tail thrasing like that of a scorpion’s. Then, he breathed in deeply and high pitchedly. “Wanna watch me do a trick?”
“No?! Are you my clucking dog or something?”
“Shut up!” squeaked Jeffrey with a G. “You’re gonna watch anyways you little shit!”
“No I’m not,” Broderica suckled on a hidden titty flask.
Jeffrey with a G’s cloaked companions flowed around him and Broderica in a circle, pushing bar patrons out and away and cackling halffartedly.
“Behold!” squealed Jeffrey with a G. He took his claws and grabbed his huge jaws, unhinging them like a snake’s and drawing them wide as a skyshark’s. A smaller, bloody version of his head popped out from his outstreched mouth and small, bloody hands unhinged the jaw of this head to once again stretch it widely, though not as quite wide as the original mouth. Then, another even smaller, even bloodier version of his head popped out from this tertiary mouth. On this continued for about five minutes, many bar patrons once again losing their interest and going back to fawning over strippers.
Broderica, who herself had started looking around to see if she recognized any skyrates, did a double take when she noticed that Jeffrey with a G had stretched open his nesting mouths about six times.
“Holy shit. That can’t be comfortable.”
“It’s even more uncomfortable when I’m gnashing on your bones and your muscles and all your organs you measley little turnip!”
“Wait, you’re going to clucking eat me?”
“That’s the plan, chupperina.”
“Well Jeffrey with a G,” Broderica sighed, heaving her boobs out forcefully, “I never! You know I heard a lot of bad things about you but nobody ever said you were a cannibal. How does human flesh taste?”
“W-well I—”
“Come on don’t be coy with me. If I’m going to be eaten the least you could do is let me know how I’ll taste. What kind of a death is it to get eaten by somebody and not even know what you taste like?”
“Look, lady—”
“Hmmmm,” Broderica did her best to make this ‘hmmm’ sexy. It was a little forced and more than a little off-putting. “You know I think I know how we can solve this little problem of ours.”
“You can shut the cluck up?”
“No no no no no. Silly Jeffrey. With a G. You go ahead and bite off one of my arms and let me know what you think. I want a very detailed review.”
“I’m not sure that’s what I had in mind.”
“If you’re going to eat me can’t I at least have some sort of say over how it all goes down? I am a sentient being, you know. You could just have a hand if you’d rather. Hen, take a finger!” she did not miss this opportunity to flick Jeffrey with a G off. “Or if you’d rather you could just bite off my feet. Just be sure not to hit an arterie I don’t want to lose consciousness before you can tell me what eating me is like.”
Jeffrey with a G stood there, his many mouths open wide yet looking somewhat unsettled.
“Well? What do you want to start with? Surely you’ve got to have a preference! I mean I’m fresh! I’m free range! I’ve got to be the best meal you’ve ever cannabalized, Jeffrey with a G!”
“I…nnvr…hhmaammfffpphh…” mumbled Jeffrey with a G sheepishly and squeakishly.
“What was that?”
“I’ve…nvrr..hddd…etnn…anbdffphhh…”
“You’ve got to speak up! I’m still in shock about being eaten, after all.”
Jeffrey with a G slowly retracted his mouths and grumbled shamefully, “I’ve never eaten anybody before.”
“My gourd!” Broderica gasped, jiggling her titties hypnotically. “So I’m to be your first human? I’m going to proverbially pop your human eating cherry?”
“Y…yes…” His many mouths were now almost fully compacted.
“Well I had no idea! My cock! Let’s have a drink!” Broderica cheered, producing two flasks from her crotch. She did a double take, realizing where the flasks had come from. “Ohh. I didn’t think about that. Do you mind? I think I might have another flask laying around somewhere on my body but…oh who am I kidding? You’re gonna eat me! Why would you mind, that’s absurd! Here ya go!” Broderica handed Jeffrey with a G a flask, popping open her own with glee before realizing a problem. “I see your claws would make opening that really difficult. Here, let me help.” Broderica tightened her teeth around the top of the flask and popped it out as if it were giving her sexual release. Someone far off in the crowd wailed about a sharp flask topper penetrating their iris. Jeffrey with a G shuddered.
“Cheers!” Broderica proclaimed, thrusting her flask forward to clink with Jeffrey with a G’s. “To you eating me to death!”
“Cheers,” warbled Jeffrey with a G, gingerly lifting the flask to his gargantuan mouth and sipping gingerly, immediately jerking back and sputtering. “H-how strong is this?”
“Yes.” Broderica had already finished hers off.
Jeffrey with a G took another sip and reeled.
“Oh come on now Jeffrey with a G. You’ve got to just pound it down it’s what it’s made for.”
“I’m not s-sure that th-”
“Come on pound it!”
The crowd began chanting pound it, pound it, POUND IT!!, but it was just a coincidence that had more to do with something stripper related.
Jeffrey with a G, not noticing this discrepancy, felt sufficiently peer pressured and chugged the flask down like a hinge-jawed monster. Then, he hacked, and hacked, and collapsed on the floor.
“Jeffrey with a G?” Broderica raised a puzzled eyebrow. “Hello? Aren’t you going to eat me?”
Jeffrey with a G remained still as a crumpled statue.
Broderica leaned down to his gruesome face and whispered. “Jeffrey with a G? Helloo?”
Nothing.
Broderica shrugged, then cocked back her flask and shattered it over his forehead, immediately prompting a weak cough.
“Leave me alone!” whined Jeffrey with a G in the voice of a crackling animatronic mouse. “Can’t you see I’m dying, you clucking moron?”
“I mean that would definitely be helpful to me. If you died, I mean.”
“Well congratulations. That drink was so cockhamned strong it clucking murdered me. You have a clucking problem, you know.”
“Oh I know. I’m still stuck as a woman!”
“That’s hardly a problem at all. Easiest shit ever to fix.”
Broderica sparkled with joy. “You mean you really know how to?”
“Your clucking idiot of a wizard ought to know himse— or herse— or whatever self. But…yes. Just…tell me one thing yourself and I’ll tell you.”
“Okay,” Broderica reshaped her tits to make them look extra appealing.
“Were you actually going to let me eat you?”
Broderica looked over to the side and sighed. “Suuuure. Yup. I sure was.”
“Thank you…you are…a kind…soul…kind of…”
“Okay tell me how to become a man again already!”
“All your wizard has…to do…is…cast the…same…spell again…”
“What?” Broderica sat back, eyes wide. “Are you clucking kidding me?”
Jeffrey with a G rasped out a weak hack. “N…o…I’m…not.”
Jeffrey with a G keeled, rolled over on his back, and stuck his four limbs up in the air. His tail flopped down, crushing a cloaked henchperson.
Broderica stood to her feet, shaking with rage. “I can’t believe it. I just can’t clucking believe it.”
Broderica whipped out an ass flask and finished it off, smashing it on the floor. Then she whipped out another ass flask, finished that one off, and smashed it on the floor as well. Then, she whipped out another ass flask, finished that one off, and—
“Hey! Lady with the big tits!” garbled a skyrate off in the crowd.
Broderica froze.
“Stop clucking smashing your flasks all over the floor! We just had this shit waxed! It’s clucking expensive and distracting as hen you cockhamned hussy! We’re trying to watch them POUND IT!”
Broderica sighed and halffartedly smashed it over Jeffrey with a G’s dead head instead.
“Thank you, that was much better. Less distracting, less messy, less expensive. I appreciate your discretion, you clucking skank.”
Broderica huffed, eyes burning with rage, looking for the hallway that Krumbumbum had disappeared down with the woman she thought she loved. She was ready to make that vitch pay.
