Regarding her career choice, Jǐ Yi did not waver in the slightest. That was a decision that had already been made when she was young, when, at her white writing desk, beneath the glow of the desk lamp late in the night, she focusedly did paper after paper of practice tests that carried the heavy scent of printing ink.
A few days later, Jì Chengyang went to the United States. He told Jǐ Yi, it was to attend the funeral of a friend.
When she heard his reason, an inexplicable feeling of great sorrow rose out from her, and it made her remember the scene from that year when her high school class prefect had departed this world.
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In mid-March, He Feifei moved to a different home.
She inquired with Jǐ Yi on whether Jǐ Yi wanted to rent a place to stay. “The place I’m renting is a two-bedroom apartment. I’m in one of the rooms, but the other room right now is still empty. I’m guessing my landlord is going to be looking in the next few days for someone to fill it. Why don’t you move there and co-rent with me?”
Jǐ Yi had just begun thinking about the matter of renting a place, and now this opportunity had come up for her. “I’ll be leaving my school at the end of June, so I wanted to wait until May to look for a place.”
“It’s not that easy to find a place.” He Feifei continued trying to sell the idea to her. “It’s even more of a bother for girls. I’ve run into issues before when I co-rented with someone I didn’t know, so I only want to room with someone I know. It just so happens that this apartment has one large bedroom and one small one. I’ll take the big one and pay two-thirds of the rent. This is definitely cheaper than anything you’ll find later on yourself.”
Jǐ Yi thought, He Feifei’s words were true.
Of the schoolmates in her dorm room, there was one going to Shanghai upon graduation, one going back to Guangzhou, and one as well who would be directly going abroad. The remaining two were from Beijing and had no need to rent a place to stay. Consequently, she had actually all along been searching for a roommate who could co-rent with her starting in May. Now, with such a good opportunity suddenly showing up and the rent being so affordable, she did not really hesitate much and simply agreed.
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The weather was quite nice on her moving day.
Jǐ Yi did not have much baggage to move, only one suitcase and one travel bag. These were all of her belongings, and He Feifei’s small car was able to manage it all. Their rented home was near Hepingli[1], amongst several quiet residential buildings. They were all old-style buildings, with no so-called community compound or security guard. As she moved her luggage into her bedroom, He Feifei set the newly-cut key on the kitchen table, telling her, “I have something to do tonight and won’t be coming back. This is your key. You can have at it as you please.”
And so, when it was fast approaching dinnertime, her roommate abandoned her.
This was a small apartment that was not even 50 square metres. As space was limited, the kitchen was open-style and there was no living room. There was merely a four-person, glass dining table placed beside the kitchen to serve as the dining room. Her bedroom was right by the kitchen and very small, so the provided furnishings it could accommodate were only the most common ones, a bed, a desk, a chair, and also a narrow wardrobe.
He Feifei’s bedroom was twice the size of this one and connected to a balcony, and hence was much more spacious.
Prior to today, Jǐ Yi had been here once and had basically tidied up the room already. The only piece of furniture she had added was a little bookshelf placed above the head of the bed. Her build was petite, anyway, so she would not feel that it was in the way.
Once she put away the clothing that she moved here today, she was considered completely settled in in her new home.
Standing at the doorway of her bedroom, she stared blankly into it for a while.
Despite the room being only eight square metres or so, it was a space that she had truly paid rent for and could make her own decisions about. She finally could say to people the two words “my home,” and not “Grandfather’s home,” “Mom’s home,” or “school.”
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Going by what she could remember from when she came, she twisted and wound this way and that until she had wandered out from amongst the cluster of residential buildings. After resolving the issue of dinner, she looked around to see what sort of bus stations there were along the roadside here and then went to the supermarket to buy some daily necessities. When she was heading back, though, she became a little lost. In the late night, as she looked at those thirty or more buildings that were identical in shape and size, she was utterly unable to identify any differences.
It was past nine o’clock and was also winter, so there were not many people moving about in the community anymore, nor was there anyone she could ask.
She could only halt her steps and, by the light of the streetlamps, tilt her face up to carefully scrutinize the building numbers. As a result of long neglect and disrepair, the streetlamp’s illumination had become obviously much poorer, and it took a bit more effort as she tried to see.
Before she had gotten a clear look, someone banged into her arm, and then immediately following was the loud crashing sound of something hitting the ground.
The bags in Jǐ Yi’s hands were knocked to the ground. Out of reflex, she turned her head, and there, right by her, she saw a drunken man stumblingly climbing back to his feet. After this drunken man staggered back up, he picked up a rundown bicycle that was not far from her.
To run into this type of person on a dark, late night was simply not a good thing. Picking up her bags, she turned around and strode directly away from there. She had thought that she would be able to immediately get away from that person, who was of the potentially-dangerous type, but contrary to her expectations, that drunkard supported himself on the bicycle and began chasing after her, cusses and mutterings all the while coming from his lips.
There was no one around, and this place was also quite a distance from the roadway. She was unable at all to locate any sort of place where there would be people.
Jǐ Yi’s heart prickled in her chest, and with swift strides, she rushed in through the nearest door of a building.
The building’s wooden door was open and was not equipped with any sort of security measures.
Behind her, there was the obvious crashing noise of a bicycle being thrown to the ground as well as the sound of a man’s footsteps. Her mind was in a muddled mess, and soon she had torn up to the second level.
The person behind her, however, still would not give up, tightly pursuing her.
Apparently afraid that there would be someone in her home, that other party did not dare get too close while chasing her, but neither he did want to just give up.
Jǐ Yi felt a chill along her back. Clutching those several large plastic bags that were in her hands, she panicstrickenly swept her eyes over the three apartment units near her. The sounds of people coming from the unit on her right were a little louder.
Straightaway, she stretched out her hand and slapped that door. “Open the door. I’m back now!”
It was evident the drunken man had stopped at the doorway of the building, and he now took a few backward steps.
“Hurry and open the door. I’m so tired I could die here. I bought a lot of stuff and can’t carry them anymore!”
Jǐ Yi continued slapping the door. At first, this was to embolden herself, but in the end, she grew rather anxious, afraid that she had heard wrong, afraid that there actually was nobody inside.
Until the security door was pulled open from the inside. The light from that apartment unit lit up the entire corridor and also illuminated her face, which was pale from fright.
Very shortly, there was the noise of a moving bicycle at the building entrance, and she heard someone riding away. That breath that had been caught in her chest at last slowly released, but she still felt terrible fear even after the ordeal was over.
The woman who opened the door and the man behind her both eyed Jǐ Yi over with strange looks. “Who are you looking for?”
With an apologetic expression, Jǐ Yi looked at this woman who had opened the door, and also the man at the back. “I’m sorry… May I ask, is this building number 32?” Her voice was somewhat scratchy, and her heart was leaping furiously.
The woman standing inside smiled. “No. You got the wrong one. You gave me a scare. I thought it was some sort of con artist or something and looked out the peephole for a long time. This is Building 28. Number 32 is to the east of this one. There’s one building between it and us here.” Although the women was still slightly suspicious, she nonetheless kindly gave a precise description of the location.
“Thank you.” Jǐ Yi exhaled a breath. “I just moved into this community today… It’s too dark out, and I went to the wrong building.”
“You just moved here? It’s very normal that you couldn’t find your building. When I first moved here, it took me two days to get familiar with this place, too.” Turning her head, the woman threw a look at her husband. “How about you go walk her back for a bit? It’s close anyway.”
The man cheerfully agreed, and picking up his jacket, he stepped straight out the door.
Jǐ Yi had not expected to run into such kindhearted people and repeatedly expressed her thanks. When she reached her own building, she swiftly ran upstairs.
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After verifying that the front door of her home was locked, Jǐ Yi hastily ate some dinner, took a shower, blew her hair dry, and put away the items that she had bought at the supermarket. No matter how she counted, she felt that there was one bag missing. While on one hand lamenting the money that had been spent and wasted, she also comforted herself, “It’s okay. You lost some money, but you avoided a calamity. Just lost some money, but a calamity was avoided.” Right as she was mutteringly rambling on like this, she seemed to vaguely hear knocking on the door.
The sound was not loud, but it gave her quite a scare. Inching up against the door, she peered through the peephole to examine the corridor. As there were no lights on outside, she could not see anything.
All of a sudden, two knocks resounded on the door again.
She had been sprawled against the door, but the knocking sent a shock through her and she immediately moved her hands away. Rather frightened, she called through the door, “May I ask who this is?”
“Xixi, it’s me.” As if worried she could not tell from the voice alone, the person outside the door quickly added, “Jì Chengyang.”
He was back?
Jǐ Yi paused in surprise.
Jì Chengyang had told her his travel date before, and she had even written it down in her mobile phone. But, it was not today.
He had returned ahead of schedule. Her lingering trepidation transformed to fluster. Though prior to moving, she had told him her new address and had also suspected that he would come see her, she had not expected that he would appear at such late hours on such a special night, without any warning at all.
“You’re back?” Opening the door, she saw him standing outside the doorway, swathed in darkness.
“I just arrived.” Jì Chengyang stepped inside.
She gave a couple of random sentences in response, but in her mind, she was actually thinking, after she blew her hair dry earlier, it seemed she had forgotten to run a comb through it to smooth it out, so it should be quite disheveled now. Thus, in this way, her thoughts became tangled over the question of whether her hair was so unkempt it affected her image. Her body, however, had already begun moving, and pulling out a clean drinking glass, she asked him, “Would you like some water? I have coffee but I don’t have a coffee maker, so it’s just instant stuff. And I also have orange juice and drinking yogurt.”
She was acting in such a rush and flurry that she even forgot to invite him into her own bedroom.
Jì Chengyang simply stood beside that glass dining table next to the kitchen. Inside those deep black eyes, there was only her. This narrow, open-style kitchen seemed extremely cramped with him, so tall and slender, standing inside it.
And his silence caused her to feel even more ill at ease.
Detecting that there was something different about him, she softly asked, “Are you really tired after such a long plane ride?”
There was a slight hoarseness to his voice. “A little.”
Jǐ Yi hurriedly brought him into her own room. She was going to pull out the chair for him to sit in, but immediately she rejected her own idea. Sitting in front of the desk like that would be even more uncomfortable. Pointing at the bed, she told softly, “Go ahead and sit on the bed.”
She was not certain why, but after she said this, he grew even quieter and all of him became still, right where he was, like a frame in a movie that had been paused. Self-consciously holding that empty drinking glass, she continued mumbling, “Have a sleep if you’re feeling too tired. My roommate isn’t here today. I can sleep in her room.”
She did not know whether Jì Chengyang heard those words or not. In any case, after stating them, she fled from that bedroom.
When she had finished tidying the kitchen, she went out onto the balcony, pulled down the quilt that she had hung out to air this afternoon, and carried it back to her room. Jì Chengyang truly had lain down, still fully clothed, and was sleeping. He had such a tall build that as he lay on her oversized single bed, he basically occupied the entire bed. Her eyes appeared from behind the balled-up quilt to gaze at him. Quietly stepping over, she spread open the quilt and covered him with it.
Her motions were very light, for fear that she would wake him.
In that instant when the quilt fell over him, his hand closed around her wrist.
Jì Chengyang pulled her towards himself, enfolding her tight into his embrace.
Her slippers had dropped beside the bed. He drew near to her body, very slowly. So close before him were Jǐ Yi’s brows, her tightly shut eyes, and her slightly quivering eyelashes. Everything before his eyes was telling him, Jǐ Yi was also struggling, resisting the emotions in her heart.
But her body was being very honest and complying to him.
As he moved to touch her face, he discovered that it was completely dampened. All of Jǐ Yi’s awareness was scattered. Noiselessly, she wept, crying so hard it felt as if her stomach and heart were twisted together into a lump. He wiped at her tears, then used his fingers that were covered with tears to stroke her hair and the contours of the side of her face. Those fingers slid down the edge of her ear to her earlobe, then stopped. “Don’t cry, Xixi, don’t cry…”
His lips kissed her face, the bridge of her nose, and also her eyes.
Her gaze swayed and grew blurry as she looked dazedly at him.
Never before had Jì Chengyang felt as strongly as he did now that he was a contemptible bastard through and through. What could cause all the love to be sent back to square one? What had caused her to no longer trust him? What had brought about such vulnerability concealed beneath a front of strength, such that a single blow would cause that entire front to collapse? Merely a single kiss had left her seeming as if she had returned to that time when she was eleven years old and had cried ceaselessly, completely breaking down into sobs because she had missed her parents’ visit…
What did it matter that there had been extenuating circumstances? What did they matter, the right and wrong in all this?
In this moment, something inside his chest clenched again and again. As he looked at her tears that she simply could not stop from flowing, he truly wanted to thoroughly return to the past, to before he had been unable to control his emotions and started a relationship with her, and beat himself to death. Regardless of the reasons, the Jì Chengyang in his twenties still should not have caused this little girl, the one whom he loved so deeply and who was his only love, to be deeply hurt.
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All of a sudden, there was coolness against his cheek. He felt her hand slowly slide onto his face.
So carefully, as if she was touching memories that would shatter upon contact.
His heart was struck heavily. He did not even dare make a single movement as he allowed her to caress his facial features.
Until Jǐ Yi slowly moved in closer to him and touched her own lips to his, trying to let him kiss her. She was using her actions to tell him, she was allowing herself to trust him again, that though she was afraid she would again lose him, she still wanted to give him all that he wanted.
All desire originates in love and longing that has been suppressed at the bottom of one’s heart.
Her action of taking the initiative left him utterly without any ability to resist. He had passed through mountains and seas of people, through Death’s hell of gunfire and artillery shells to finally return here, return to his motherland, return to his little lady’s side.
Right here, within reach, was the one he most loved.
He unfastened her top. Her waist felt a little cool. In her daze, she could feel beneath her thigh the change that was taking place in that part of his body.
She dared not look at him and shut her eyes tightly. Because of nervousness, there was an unwitting tremor in her eyelashes.
“Xixi, trust me this one last time. I absolutely will not leave you again.” Jì Chengyang’s voice was slightly low, and also slightly husky.
“Mm.” The heat of her own body broiled all of her, leaving her lightheaded.
There was a warm, moist feeling on her chest, and then, a sudden tingling sensation. She could not control the urge to shirk from it, but he confined her waist.
With his tongue, Jì Chengyang traced that spot of pink on her bosom. Jǐ Yi could not bear this at all, and her body shuddered involuntarily. The tip of his tongue sensed that her supple softness there had hardened, and instinctively, he took it between his teeth, slowly sucking it.
Jǐ Yi’s body grew restless and hot.
Such a direct form of touch caused both of them to begin to lose control and yearn for even deeper contact.
“Hurts…” Jì Chengyang had suddenly brought his mouth down hard on her, and she could not restrain herself from declaring her pain.
Loosening the hold of his teeth, he laid her onto the bed and set his forehead against her chest, tilting his head down to look at her body which rose and fall from her ragged breathing. His gaze began to travel downwards. She, though, hugged his waist tightly and would not let him look, her lips babbling softly, “The blanket, the blanket.”
He truly wanted to have a good look at her body, but he also knew that she undoubtedly would be embarrassed. Hence, without hesitation, he pulled up the quilt that had long fallen onto the floor and covered himself with it, then used his own body to cover hers. A slight heaviness came into the sound of his breathing, and it was evident he was suppressing himself.
It was deep in winter, but within the space of a few short minutes, a fine layer of perspiration had already formed over Jǐ Yi’s entire body. Jì Chengyang could not contain the low laugh that spilled out from his throat. “Are you hot?”
Jǐ Yi was still dazed and lightheaded and did not know whether she said that she was hot or not hot.
She knew only that, although Jì Chengyang had not removed his clothing, something with a searing heat was already pressing into her thigh.
“Xixi…”
His heart stirred, and he placed one of her legs against his waist. Lowering his head and sealing her lips, he tried to enter her.
Jǐ Yi had already been afraid to begin with. This sudden attempt brought such pain on her that she let out an “mm” and her body jerked.
Jì Chengyang paused. His hands moved to stroke her breasts, trying to distract her. Sweat trickled down from both of them as they entwined together, stroked one another. They made three or four attempts, but her expression became only more and more pained, until, in the end, it was instinctual for her to shirk away.
Jì Chengyang all of a sudden let out a sigh, pressing his forehead lightly into the pillow.
Her body curled up in his embrace, Jǐ Yi heard him chuckle, though she did not know what he was actually laughing about. Her mind was still in a dazed state, but still she said, “Let me rest for a bit… and then you can try again.”
This time, Jì Chengyang really did laugh. Blowing out a long breath, he told her, “No more trying.”
Still caught in feelings of desire that she was unaware of, she looked at him.
“Xixi, thank you.” Jì Chengyang propped an arm on one side of her body while the other hand did up his pants again. Placing a soft a kiss on her eye, he gazed down at this girl who lay in his shadow, gazed at her cheeks that were abnormally flushed because of a brief lack of oxygen.
His voice was very low, repressed heavily within his chest. “Thank you for forgiving me.”
She once more caressed his face. Tears hovered in her eyes, blurring her vision. “Just this once. Don’t do it again…” If it happened again, she likely would not be able to get through and keep moving forward.
There was a heavy nasal tone in her voice, which carried an unspeakable sense of hurt and unjust suffering.
More than four years of hurt and unjust suffering. There was much, so much that she could cry for several days and nights.
Jì Chengyang was silent. Tenderly, he brought a kiss to her eye. “I won’t. Unless I am dead.”
He never spoke words that were so direct, and alarmed by them, she clutched his hand. “Hurry up and say, ‘Ptooey, ptooey, ptooey! Touch wood[2]!’”
With Jǐ Yi’s grim, apprehensive gaze on him, he lowered his voice and complied with her instructions, repeating those words.
“Hurry and knock on some wood. Here, just knock on the bookshelf.” She pointed at the bookshelf above their heads.
Jì Chengyang was very obedient and gave a pat on the lowest shelf.
……
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That night, the two of them lay on the bed, talking in light whispers. It was as if Jǐ Yi had suddenly been transported back to the past, and tirelessly she told him about little, trivial things. She would selectively skip over the unhappy parts, such as Class Prefect’s passing, the unpleasant things between her and her family, etc., and what she recounted were all interesting or amusing things that had occurred in her life throughout these four years.
“In fourth-year undergrad, everyone was looking for jobs. I needed to save up money to do post-graduate studies, so I went to a tour company to try to find a side job.” Jǐ Yi reached through her memory, telling him, “At the time, they wouldn’t take me, saying I didn’t have experience. I told them, I’m a master’s student who was exempted from the post-graduate entrance exam and directly accepted into the Foreign Affairs University, and my English and French are both really good.”
Since she was a child, never before had she praised herself like that, and in fact, when people occasionally commended her, she would mostly only shyly give a silent admission. Now that she thought back on everything, she realized, sure enough, life is what is most able to change a person.
Once Jǐ Yi finished narrating this, she purposely cast a glance at him and quietly repeated, “I really was exempted from the exam.”
In a slight teasing manner, he exposed her. “You want me to praise you?”
“… No.” She awkwardly shifted her gaze away. Bringing her forehead down so that it was propped against his chest, she uttered, her voice muffled, “Can’t even compare to you.”
Jì Chengyang was genuinely tired. His physical condition was far worse than what it had once been, and in fact was even worse than the sick patients in the waiting hall of the hospital who were waiting to be seen by a doctor. But, he could not bring himself to go to sleep. He could tell that Jǐ Yi was very happy.
Just how long had it been since he had seen her like this, shyly and happily smiling, that smile filled with hope as she rested against him? Her petite little body, which was ever so slightly emitting heat, was snug against him, curled up in front of him, and not hiding at all the love and attachment to him…
“You are not inferior to me in any way.” He slowly spoke, his voice low. “My Xixi has always been the best and most outstanding, ever since she was a child.”
In these so very long years of an atypical growing-up process, she had still been able to preserve the kindness and goodness of the very beginning. And amid the wave upon wave of adversities, she had been able to walk her journey of life to this point now, where still, she was able to lay bare her love and not conceal it in the slightest, and was willing, without any reservation, to trust him.
What had he done that he would deserve to have her, this her?
Later, he still ended up falling asleep first. Noiselessly getting off the bed, Jǐ Yi turned off the lights and shut the room door, then gently crawled back onto the bed and slid under the covers. Slowly, she nestled in against his chest, found a comfortable position, and slipped into slumber.
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Deep in the night, Jì Chengyang awakened. Long-time insomnia had caused him to develop the condition of having nightmares.
In those days when he had frequently travelled the war zones of various countries, he had met many peers of his profession. There had been some journalists who appeared to mentally remove themselves from the situation, and there had also been some who suffered from severe depression. In the very beginning, he had thought that these psychological problems would not pose any threat to him. And even this time, after he was rescued, what tortured him had been the physical trauma and dangers to his body, and not any psychological issues.
But, the facts proved now that he had overestimated himself.
He discovered that those horrific images of massacres and sadistical killings that he had personally witnessed and experienced, and even of the killing of his friend right by his side, which he saw with his own eyes, were impossible to overlook. The nightmares had begun from the time he was rescued and continued to this day, and now, he could only choose to co-exist with those memories. Sometimes, when he dazedly awoke in the middle of the night, there would be no light in his surroundings, but he would still see those things.
In his arms, Jǐ Yi’s breathing was unnatural, growing more and more rapid. She was even making small, suppressed noises.
Suspecting that she was having a nightmare, Jì Chengyang patted her awake. Sure enough, when the little lady roused, she was still unable to control herself and sobbed quietly. Her breathing was ragged for a long while before she slowly calmed back down.
“I had a nightmare.” Her tiny voice, containing lingering fear, came from in front of his chest.
“What did you dream about?” he softly asked.
She shook her head, rather unwilling to speak about it. She only slowly extended her arms and slipped them behind his waist, tightly encircling him in them.
<>Copyright of Fanatical, hui3r[dot]wordpress[dot]com. Translated with the express permission of the author for hui3r[dot]wordpress[dot]com only
[1] 和平里 Hepingli is a residential neighbourhood in the northern part of Beijing’s Dongcheng district, between the Second and Third Ring Roads.
[2] 童言无忌 “tong yan wuji.” What Jǐ Yi actually said was the idiom 童言无忌, which means “children’s words are spoken without filters or reservations” (and hence should not be taken seriously). That also implies that if something is spoken wrongly, it can be ignored like children’s words and you need not fear that it has broken taboos. Jǐ Yi here is crying out in alarm that Jì Chengyang’s statement should be taken like a child’s words, and he did not break any taboos and jinx himself. The “ptooey” is like spitting to get rid of those unlucky words that were spoken before declaring “No jinx!” or “Touch wood!”
Regarding her career choice, Jǐ Yi did not waver in the slightest. That was a decision that had already been made when she was young, when, at her white writing desk, beneath the glow of the desk lamp late in the night, she focusedly did paper after paper of practice tests that carried the heavy scent of printing ink.
A few days later, Jì Chengyang went to the United States. He told Jǐ Yi, it was to attend the funeral of a friend.
When she heard his reason, an inexplicable feeling of great sorrow rose out from her, and it made her remember the scene from that year when her high school class prefect had departed this world.
<>It would be greatly appreciated if you would read this translation at its actual site of posting, hui3r[dot]wordpress[dot]com, instead. Thank you.
In mid-March, He Feifei moved to a different home.
She inquired with Jǐ Yi on whether Jǐ Yi wanted to rent a place to stay. “The place I’m renting is a two-bedroom apartment. I’m in one of the rooms, but the other room right now is still empty. I’m guessing my landlord is going to be looking in the next few days for someone to fill it. Why don’t you move there and co-rent with me?”
Jǐ Yi had just begun thinking about the matter of renting a place, and now this opportunity had come up for her. “I’ll be leaving my school at the end of June, so I wanted to wait until May to look for a place.”
“It’s not that easy to find a place.” He Feifei continued trying to sell the idea to her. “It’s even more of a bother for girls. I’ve run into issues before when I co-rented with someone I didn’t know, so I only want to room with someone I know. It just so happens that this apartment has one large bedroom and one small one. I’ll take the big one and pay two-thirds of the rent. This is definitely cheaper than anything you’ll find later on yourself.”
Jǐ Yi thought, He Feifei’s words were true.
Of the schoolmates in her dorm room, there was one going to Shanghai upon graduation, one going back to Guangzhou, and one as well who would be directly going abroad. The remaining two were from Beijing and had no need to rent a place to stay. Consequently, she had actually all along been searching for a roommate who could co-rent with her starting in May. Now, with such a good opportunity suddenly showing up and the rent being so affordable, she did not really hesitate much and simply agreed.
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The weather was quite nice on her moving day.
Jǐ Yi did not have much baggage to move, only one suitcase and one travel bag. These were all of her belongings, and He Feifei’s small car was able to manage it all. Their rented home was near Hepingli[1], amongst several quiet residential buildings. They were all old-style buildings, with no so-called community compound or security guard. As she moved her luggage into her bedroom, He Feifei set the newly-cut key on the kitchen table, telling her, “I have something to do tonight and won’t be coming back. This is your key. You can have at it as you please.”
And so, when it was fast approaching dinnertime, her roommate abandoned her.
This was a small apartment that was not even 50 square metres. As space was limited, the kitchen was open-style and there was no living room. There was merely a four-person, glass dining table placed beside the kitchen to serve as the dining room. Her bedroom was right by the kitchen and very small, so the provided furnishings it could accommodate were only the most common ones, a bed, a desk, a chair, and also a narrow wardrobe.
He Feifei’s bedroom was twice the size of this one and connected to a balcony, and hence was much more spacious.
Prior to today, Jǐ Yi had been here once and had basically tidied up the room already. The only piece of furniture she had added was a little bookshelf placed above the head of the bed. Her build was petite, anyway, so she would not feel that it was in the way.
Once she put away the clothing that she moved here today, she was considered completely settled in in her new home.
Standing at the doorway of her bedroom, she stared blankly into it for a while.
Despite the room being only eight square metres or so, it was a space that she had truly paid rent for and could make her own decisions about. She finally could say to people the two words “my home,” and not “Grandfather’s home,” “Mom’s home,” or “school.”
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Going by what she could remember from when she came, she twisted and wound this way and that until she had wandered out from amongst the cluster of residential buildings. After resolving the issue of dinner, she looked around to see what sort of bus stations there were along the roadside here and then went to the supermarket to buy some daily necessities. When she was heading back, though, she became a little lost. In the late night, as she looked at those thirty or more buildings that were identical in shape and size, she was utterly unable to identify any differences.
It was past nine o’clock and was also winter, so there were not many people moving about in the community anymore, nor was there anyone she could ask.
She could only halt her steps and, by the light of the streetlamps, tilt her face up to carefully scrutinize the building numbers. As a result of long neglect and disrepair, the streetlamp’s illumination had become obviously much poorer, and it took a bit more effort as she tried to see.
Before she had gotten a clear look, someone banged into her arm, and then immediately following was the loud crashing sound of something hitting the ground.
The bags in Jǐ Yi’s hands were knocked to the ground. Out of reflex, she turned her head, and there, right by her, she saw a drunken man stumblingly climbing back to his feet. After this drunken man staggered back up, he picked up a rundown bicycle that was not far from her.
To run into this type of person on a dark, late night was simply not a good thing. Picking up her bags, she turned around and strode directly away from there. She had thought that she would be able to immediately get away from that person, who was of the potentially-dangerous type, but contrary to her expectations, that drunkard supported himself on the bicycle and began chasing after her, cusses and mutterings all the while coming from his lips.
There was no one around, and this place was also quite a distance from the roadway. She was unable at all to locate any sort of place where there would be people.
Jǐ Yi’s heart prickled in her chest, and with swift strides, she rushed in through the nearest door of a building.
The building’s wooden door was open and was not equipped with any sort of security measures.
Behind her, there was the obvious crashing noise of a bicycle being thrown to the ground as well as the sound of a man’s footsteps. Her mind was in a muddled mess, and soon she had torn up to the second level.
The person behind her, however, still would not give up, tightly pursuing her.
Apparently afraid that there would be someone in her home, that other party did not dare get too close while chasing her, but neither he did want to just give up.
Jǐ Yi felt a chill along her back. Clutching those several large plastic bags that were in her hands, she panicstrickenly swept her eyes over the three apartment units near her. The sounds of people coming from the unit on her right were a little louder.
Straightaway, she stretched out her hand and slapped that door. “Open the door. I’m back now!”
It was evident the drunken man had stopped at the doorway of the building, and he now took a few backward steps.
“Hurry and open the door. I’m so tired I could die here. I bought a lot of stuff and can’t carry them anymore!”
Jǐ Yi continued slapping the door. At first, this was to embolden herself, but in the end, she grew rather anxious, afraid that she had heard wrong, afraid that there actually was nobody inside.
Until the security door was pulled open from the inside. The light from that apartment unit lit up the entire corridor and also illuminated her face, which was pale from fright.
Very shortly, there was the noise of a moving bicycle at the building entrance, and she heard someone riding away. That breath that had been caught in her chest at last slowly released, but she still felt terrible fear even after the ordeal was over.
The woman who opened the door and the man behind her both eyed Jǐ Yi over with strange looks. “Who are you looking for?”
With an apologetic expression, Jǐ Yi looked at this woman who had opened the door, and also the man at the back. “I’m sorry… May I ask, is this building number 32?” Her voice was somewhat scratchy, and her heart was leaping furiously.
The woman standing inside smiled. “No. You got the wrong one. You gave me a scare. I thought it was some sort of con artist or something and looked out the peephole for a long time. This is Building 28. Number 32 is to the east of this one. There’s one building between it and us here.” Although the women was still slightly suspicious, she nonetheless kindly gave a precise description of the location.
“Thank you.” Jǐ Yi exhaled a breath. “I just moved into this community today… It’s too dark out, and I went to the wrong building.”
“You just moved here? It’s very normal that you couldn’t find your building. When I first moved here, it took me two days to get familiar with this place, too.” Turning her head, the woman threw a look at her husband. “How about you go walk her back for a bit? It’s close anyway.”
The man cheerfully agreed, and picking up his jacket, he stepped straight out the door.
Jǐ Yi had not expected to run into such kindhearted people and repeatedly expressed her thanks. When she reached her own building, she swiftly ran upstairs.
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After verifying that the front door of her home was locked, Jǐ Yi hastily ate some dinner, took a shower, blew her hair dry, and put away the items that she had bought at the supermarket. No matter how she counted, she felt that there was one bag missing. While on one hand lamenting the money that had been spent and wasted, she also comforted herself, “It’s okay. You lost some money, but you avoided a calamity. Just lost some money, but a calamity was avoided.” Right as she was mutteringly rambling on like this, she seemed to vaguely hear knocking on the door.
The sound was not loud, but it gave her quite a scare. Inching up against the door, she peered through the peephole to examine the corridor. As there were no lights on outside, she could not see anything.
All of a sudden, two knocks resounded on the door again.
She had been sprawled against the door, but the knocking sent a shock through her and she immediately moved her hands away. Rather frightened, she called through the door, “May I ask who this is?”
“Xixi, it’s me.” As if worried she could not tell from the voice alone, the person outside the door quickly added, “Jì Chengyang.”
He was back?
Jǐ Yi paused in surprise.
Jì Chengyang had told her his travel date before, and she had even written it down in her mobile phone. But, it was not today.
He had returned ahead of schedule. Her lingering trepidation transformed to fluster. Though prior to moving, she had told him her new address and had also suspected that he would come see her, she had not expected that he would appear at such late hours on such a special night, without any warning at all.
“You’re back?” Opening the door, she saw him standing outside the doorway, swathed in darkness.
“I just arrived.” Jì Chengyang stepped inside.
She gave a couple of random sentences in response, but in her mind, she was actually thinking, after she blew her hair dry earlier, it seemed she had forgotten to run a comb through it to smooth it out, so it should be quite disheveled now. Thus, in this way, her thoughts became tangled over the question of whether her hair was so unkempt it affected her image. Her body, however, had already begun moving, and pulling out a clean drinking glass, she asked him, “Would you like some water? I have coffee but I don’t have a coffee maker, so it’s just instant stuff. And I also have orange juice and drinking yogurt.”
She was acting in such a rush and flurry that she even forgot to invite him into her own bedroom.
Jì Chengyang simply stood beside that glass dining table next to the kitchen. Inside those deep black eyes, there was only her. This narrow, open-style kitchen seemed extremely cramped with him, so tall and slender, standing inside it.
And his silence caused her to feel even more ill at ease.
Detecting that there was something different about him, she softly asked, “Are you really tired after such a long plane ride?”
There was a slight hoarseness to his voice. “A little.”
Jǐ Yi hurriedly brought him into her own room. She was going to pull out the chair for him to sit in, but immediately she rejected her own idea. Sitting in front of the desk like that would be even more uncomfortable. Pointing at the bed, she told softly, “Go ahead and sit on the bed.”
She was not certain why, but after she said this, he grew even quieter and all of him became still, right where he was, like a frame in a movie that had been paused. Self-consciously holding that empty drinking glass, she continued mumbling, “Have a sleep if you’re feeling too tired. My roommate isn’t here today. I can sleep in her room.”
She did not know whether Jì Chengyang heard those words or not. In any case, after stating them, she fled from that bedroom.
When she had finished tidying the kitchen, she went out onto the balcony, pulled down the quilt that she had hung out to air this afternoon, and carried it back to her room. Jì Chengyang truly had lain down, still fully clothed, and was sleeping. He had such a tall build that as he lay on her oversized single bed, he basically occupied the entire bed. Her eyes appeared from behind the balled-up quilt to gaze at him. Quietly stepping over, she spread open the quilt and covered him with it.
Her motions were very light, for fear that she would wake him.
In that instant when the quilt fell over him, his hand closed around her wrist.
Jì Chengyang pulled her towards himself, enfolding her tight into his embrace.
Her slippers had dropped beside the bed. He drew near to her body, very slowly. So close before him were Jǐ Yi’s brows, her tightly shut eyes, and her slightly quivering eyelashes. Everything before his eyes was telling him, Jǐ Yi was also struggling, resisting the emotions in her heart.
But her body was being very honest and complying to him.
As he moved to touch her face, he discovered that it was completely dampened. All of Jǐ Yi’s awareness was scattered. Noiselessly, she wept, crying so hard it felt as if her stomach and heart were twisted together into a lump. He wiped at her tears, then used his fingers that were covered with tears to stroke her hair and the contours of the side of her face. Those fingers slid down the edge of her ear to her earlobe, then stopped. “Don’t cry, Xixi, don’t cry…”
His lips kissed her face, the bridge of her nose, and also her eyes.
Her gaze swayed and grew blurry as she looked dazedly at him.
Never before had Jì Chengyang felt as strongly as he did now that he was a contemptible bastard through and through. What could cause all the love to be sent back to square one? What had caused her to no longer trust him? What had brought about such vulnerability concealed beneath a front of strength, such that a single blow would cause that entire front to collapse? Merely a single kiss had left her seeming as if she had returned to that time when she was eleven years old and had cried ceaselessly, completely breaking down into sobs because she had missed her parents’ visit…
What did it matter that there had been extenuating circumstances? What did they matter, the right and wrong in all this?
In this moment, something inside his chest clenched again and again. As he looked at her tears that she simply could not stop from flowing, he truly wanted to thoroughly return to the past, to before he had been unable to control his emotions and started a relationship with her, and beat himself to death. Regardless of the reasons, the Jì Chengyang in his twenties still should not have caused this little girl, the one whom he loved so deeply and who was his only love, to be deeply hurt.
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All of a sudden, there was coolness against his cheek. He felt her hand slowly slide onto his face.
So carefully, as if she was touching memories that would shatter upon contact.
His heart was struck heavily. He did not even dare make a single movement as he allowed her to caress his facial features.
Until Jǐ Yi slowly moved in closer to him and touched her own lips to his, trying to let him kiss her. She was using her actions to tell him, she was allowing herself to trust him again, that though she was afraid she would again lose him, she still wanted to give him all that he wanted.
All desire originates in love and longing that has been suppressed at the bottom of one’s heart.
Her action of taking the initiative left him utterly without any ability to resist. He had passed through mountains and seas of people, through Death’s hell of gunfire and artillery shells to finally return here, return to his motherland, return to his little lady’s side.
Right here, within reach, was the one he most loved.
He unfastened her top. Her waist felt a little cool. In her daze, she could feel beneath her thigh the change that was taking place in that part of his body.
She dared not look at him and shut her eyes tightly. Because of nervousness, there was an unwitting tremor in her eyelashes.
“Xixi, trust me this one last time. I absolutely will not leave you again.” Jì Chengyang’s voice was slightly low, and also slightly husky.
“Mm.” The heat of her own body broiled all of her, leaving her lightheaded.
There was a warm, moist feeling on her chest, and then, a sudden tingling sensation. She could not control the urge to shirk from it, but he confined her waist.
With his tongue, Jì Chengyang traced that spot of pink on her bosom. Jǐ Yi could not bear this at all, and her body shuddered involuntarily. The tip of his tongue sensed that her supple softness there had hardened, and instinctively, he took it between his teeth, slowly sucking it.
Jǐ Yi’s body grew restless and hot.
Such a direct form of touch caused both of them to begin to lose control and yearn for even deeper contact.
“Hurts…” Jì Chengyang had suddenly brought his mouth down hard on her, and she could not restrain herself from declaring her pain.
Loosening the hold of his teeth, he laid her onto the bed and set his forehead against her chest, tilting his head down to look at her body which rose and fall from her ragged breathing. His gaze began to travel downwards. She, though, hugged his waist tightly and would not let him look, her lips babbling softly, “The blanket, the blanket.”
He truly wanted to have a good look at her body, but he also knew that she undoubtedly would be embarrassed. Hence, without hesitation, he pulled up the quilt that had long fallen onto the floor and covered himself with it, then used his own body to cover hers. A slight heaviness came into the sound of his breathing, and it was evident he was suppressing himself.
It was deep in winter, but within the space of a few short minutes, a fine layer of perspiration had already formed over Jǐ Yi’s entire body. Jì Chengyang could not contain the low laugh that spilled out from his throat. “Are you hot?”
Jǐ Yi was still dazed and lightheaded and did not know whether she said that she was hot or not hot.
She knew only that, although Jì Chengyang had not removed his clothing, something with a searing heat was already pressing into her thigh.
“Xixi…”
His heart stirred, and he placed one of her legs against his waist. Lowering his head and sealing her lips, he tried to enter her.
Jǐ Yi had already been afraid to begin with. This sudden attempt brought such pain on her that she let out an “mm” and her body jerked.
Jì Chengyang paused. His hands moved to stroke her breasts, trying to distract her. Sweat trickled down from both of them as they entwined together, stroked one another. They made three or four attempts, but her expression became only more and more pained, until, in the end, it was instinctual for her to shirk away.
Jì Chengyang all of a sudden let out a sigh, pressing his forehead lightly into the pillow.
Her body curled up in his embrace, Jǐ Yi heard him chuckle, though she did not know what he was actually laughing about. Her mind was still in a dazed state, but still she said, “Let me rest for a bit… and then you can try again.”
This time, Jì Chengyang really did laugh. Blowing out a long breath, he told her, “No more trying.”
Still caught in feelings of desire that she was unaware of, she looked at him.
“Xixi, thank you.” Jì Chengyang propped an arm on one side of her body while the other hand did up his pants again. Placing a soft a kiss on her eye, he gazed down at this girl who lay in his shadow, gazed at her cheeks that were abnormally flushed because of a brief lack of oxygen.
His voice was very low, repressed heavily within his chest. “Thank you for forgiving me.”
She once more caressed his face. Tears hovered in her eyes, blurring her vision. “Just this once. Don’t do it again…” If it happened again, she likely would not be able to get through and keep moving forward.
There was a heavy nasal tone in her voice, which carried an unspeakable sense of hurt and unjust suffering.
More than four years of hurt and unjust suffering. There was much, so much that she could cry for several days and nights.
Jì Chengyang was silent. Tenderly, he brought a kiss to her eye. “I won’t. Unless I am dead.”
He never spoke words that were so direct, and alarmed by them, she clutched his hand. “Hurry up and say, ‘Ptooey, ptooey, ptooey! Touch wood[2]!’”
With Jǐ Yi’s grim, apprehensive gaze on him, he lowered his voice and complied with her instructions, repeating those words.
“Hurry and knock on some wood. Here, just knock on the bookshelf.” She pointed at the bookshelf above their heads.
Jì Chengyang was very obedient and gave a pat on the lowest shelf.
……
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That night, the two of them lay on the bed, talking in light whispers. It was as if Jǐ Yi had suddenly been transported back to the past, and tirelessly she told him about little, trivial things. She would selectively skip over the unhappy parts, such as Class Prefect’s passing, the unpleasant things between her and her family, etc., and what she recounted were all interesting or amusing things that had occurred in her life throughout these four years.
“In fourth-year undergrad, everyone was looking for jobs. I needed to save up money to do post-graduate studies, so I went to a tour company to try to find a side job.” Jǐ Yi reached through her memory, telling him, “At the time, they wouldn’t take me, saying I didn’t have experience. I told them, I’m a master’s student who was exempted from the post-graduate entrance exam and directly accepted into the Foreign Affairs University, and my English and French are both really good.”
Since she was a child, never before had she praised herself like that, and in fact, when people occasionally commended her, she would mostly only shyly give a silent admission. Now that she thought back on everything, she realized, sure enough, life is what is most able to change a person.
Once Jǐ Yi finished narrating this, she purposely cast a glance at him and quietly repeated, “I really was exempted from the exam.”
In a slight teasing manner, he exposed her. “You want me to praise you?”
“… No.” She awkwardly shifted her gaze away. Bringing her forehead down so that it was propped against his chest, she uttered, her voice muffled, “Can’t even compare to you.”
Jì Chengyang was genuinely tired. His physical condition was far worse than what it had once been, and in fact was even worse than the sick patients in the waiting hall of the hospital who were waiting to be seen by a doctor. But, he could not bring himself to go to sleep. He could tell that Jǐ Yi was very happy.
Just how long had it been since he had seen her like this, shyly and happily smiling, that smile filled with hope as she rested against him? Her petite little body, which was ever so slightly emitting heat, was snug against him, curled up in front of him, and not hiding at all the love and attachment to him…
“You are not inferior to me in any way.” He slowly spoke, his voice low. “My Xixi has always been the best and most outstanding, ever since she was a child.”
In these so very long years of an atypical growing-up process, she had still been able to preserve the kindness and goodness of the very beginning. And amid the wave upon wave of adversities, she had been able to walk her journey of life to this point now, where still, she was able to lay bare her love and not conceal it in the slightest, and was willing, without any reservation, to trust him.
What had he done that he would deserve to have her, this her?
Later, he still ended up falling asleep first. Noiselessly getting off the bed, Jǐ Yi turned off the lights and shut the room door, then gently crawled back onto the bed and slid under the covers. Slowly, she nestled in against his chest, found a comfortable position, and slipped into slumber.
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Deep in the night, Jì Chengyang awakened. Long-time insomnia had caused him to develop the condition of having nightmares.
In those days when he had frequently travelled the war zones of various countries, he had met many peers of his profession. There had been some journalists who appeared to mentally remove themselves from the situation, and there had also been some who suffered from severe depression. In the very beginning, he had thought that these psychological problems would not pose any threat to him. And even this time, after he was rescued, what tortured him had been the physical trauma and dangers to his body, and not any psychological issues.
But, the facts proved now that he had overestimated himself.
He discovered that those horrific images of massacres and sadistical killings that he had personally witnessed and experienced, and even of the killing of his friend right by his side, which he saw with his own eyes, were impossible to overlook. The nightmares had begun from the time he was rescued and continued to this day, and now, he could only choose to co-exist with those memories. Sometimes, when he dazedly awoke in the middle of the night, there would be no light in his surroundings, but he would still see those things.
In his arms, Jǐ Yi’s breathing was unnatural, growing more and more rapid. She was even making small, suppressed noises.
Suspecting that she was having a nightmare, Jì Chengyang patted her awake. Sure enough, when the little lady roused, she was still unable to control herself and sobbed quietly. Her breathing was ragged for a long while before she slowly calmed back down.
“I had a nightmare.” Her tiny voice, containing lingering fear, came from in front of his chest.
“What did you dream about?” he softly asked.
She shook her head, rather unwilling to speak about it. She only slowly extended her arms and slipped them behind his waist, tightly encircling him in them.
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[1] 和平里 Hepingli is a residential neighbourhood in the northern part of Beijing’s Dongcheng district, between the Second and Third Ring Roads.
[2] 童言无忌 “tong yan wuji.” What Jǐ Yi actually said was the idiom 童言无忌, which means “children’s words are spoken without filters or reservations” (and hence should not be taken seriously). That also implies that if something is spoken wrongly, it can be ignored like children’s words and you need not fear that it has broken taboos. Jǐ Yi here is crying out in alarm that Jì Chengyang’s statement should be taken like a child’s words, and he did not break any taboos and jinx himself. The “ptooey” is like spitting to get rid of those unlucky words that were spoken before declaring “No jinx!” or “Touch wood!”
