My kingdom never rested on its laurels, and neither did I.
Studiously inspecting the soft grass looked upon by dignitaries. Assessing the lining of the pillows admired by guests. Combing the contents of low-brow adventure romance titles for slander and falsehoods.
Within the halls of the Royal Villa, mine was a schedule laden from dawn to dusk. A life characterised by duty, obligation and sacrifice.
This was no different upon a muddy stretch of road. Or even the glittering beach next to said muddy stretch of road.
Indeed, there was much for a busy princess to do.
So much so, that before I could even leave Trierport’s docks behind, it was time to do one last task.
Because of all my important duties, none were greater than ensuring the loyalty of my attendants. And that meant threats layered with menacing laughter.
Or barring that, keeping my promises.
I took a hurried step back as a foamy wave reached the tip of my boots.
Though unsuccessful in harming the fabric of my footwear, it left a trail of destruction in its wake.
All around me, the deceased remains of starfish, seashells and the blood crabs which attempted to hide amongst them littered the golden sand.
Here, there were no holes or pirates to ruin the aesthetics. Only a horse merrily treading to-and-fro across the same narrow stretch of water as he experienced his first introduction to the ocean.
And also a clockwork doll sat atop a small rock, swaying slightly to her own humming.
I did not join in the lullaby.
In Coppelia’s hands was a contraption fit for interrogating enemies of the kingdom.
A thin branch ending with a thread of thistleroot leaves, to which a common earthworm was made hostage.
She’d crafted it with dextrous efficiency, and now sat beneath the baking sun, confident in her ability to fish an entrée we did not have the kitchen apparatus, the tableware, the knowledge, and most importantly, the luck to cook.
She’d been sitting down for at least two hours.
Entrées caught – zilch.
I decided to make a comment.
“See? Isn’t this fun?” said my loyal handmaiden, sensing my imminent displeasure and interjecting at once. “No treason, no explosions and no [Ball Of Doom]. Isn’t this a nice change of pace?”
It was, yes.
But what also constituted a nice change of pace was using cutlery. And I failed to see a single fork amongst the dead starfish.
“Coppelia, need I remind you that I was promised a highly deserved gourmet meal for choosing this over an established restaurant in Trierport?”
“The Restaurant de Coppelia is super exclusive. We only serve the freshest fare. That means a minor wait is inevitable.”
“This isn’t a minor wait. Apple’s been trotting up and down the same bit of the beach for so long that he’s beginning to submerge. I am not digging out my horse.”
“You won’t need to. Once the horse gets a sniff of my grilled whatever I catch, he’ll be flying out for it himself.”
“Horses do not eat grilled fish. And quite aside from the fact you do not possess any fish in the first place, how do you intend to cook it?”
“With my fire.”
“What fire?”
“The fire that I haven’t built yet. Because I need to look for wood and kindling. But don’t worry! Burning stuff is easy. Finding what goes with the burning is the only tough part.”
I leaned down, surveying the makeshift fishing branch and the earthworm being dangled from it.
“A difficult task, I see. I wish for you to be aware that I only agreed to this so I could critique your cooking skills. I must warn you, the review for the Restaurant de Coppelia will be poor should you fail to even make it to that stage where I can demand a refund. An instant 7.5/10.”
“I mean, I’m kind of shocked it’s not an automatic 1/10.”
“You are the handmaiden to a princess. Everything you do is automatically rated significantly higher. After all, it’d be an insult to my reputation if anything you did was judged to be less than above average.”
“Huh. I don’t know how to feel about that … well, no, I do. It’s great! I love special treatment! But it also stings my fragile pride. Just a little.”
“Then I suggest you pray harder to whichever monarch now presides over the Kingdom Beneath The Sea. I cannot assist in this endeavour.”
“Sure? I don’t mind letting you have a go.”
“You should mind. A princess cannot touch a fishing rod, especially one so makeshift as this. What tree is this from? Birch? I’d be laughed out of the Royal Villa as soon as I returned.”
Suddenly, Coppelia giggled into the side of her haphazard fishing rod.
“Ahaha~ don’t worry. I already kind of guessed you don’t know how to fish.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“I’ll have you know that it isn’t a lack of proficiency which prevents me from … hooking creatures from the sea. It’s reputation. I cannot possibly wield a fishing rod as though I were a peasant forming my wares for the morning market.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it’s the proficiency thing. Fishing’s tough, you know? Look at me. Little earthworm’s practically dancing and still no partner.”
I peered at the vast horizon. The Emerald Sea sparkled beneath the daylight, as did all the leaping rainbow trouts which taunted both Coppelia and I.
Then, I nodded confidently, my hand going to my side.
“I could use my–”
“Nope.”
“Excuse me! Why not? My sword is a perfectly valid tool for extracting fish from the ocean! What’s more, I could do it in such a way that it wouldn’t sully my name!”
“Sure, but then it wouldn’t be fishing. It’d just be habitat destruction.”
My mouth widened in indignation … all the while I put my genius mind to work on explaining why exactly dredging swathes of fishing waters wouldn’t count as habitat destruction.
I couldn’t.
Thus–subject change it was!
“A … A matter of definition! This would be the land, or rather, the sea offering itself to my cause. We have places to be, Coppelia. And that means a sit-down dinner in order to have the energy to be there. Our next destination is far from here. The mining town of Stermondt.”
Coppelia smiled with mischief, then returned to her fishing branch … rod … thing.
“Stermondt, huh? I’ve never been that way. It’s all rocks, right?”
“Rocks?! It’s mountains! Snow capped peaks as beautiful as a Mont Blanc dessert topped with an almond and walnut dusting! I assure you, the mountains which divide us with Granholtz are each a beloved national symbol.”
“Really? I never knew that.”
“Then you should. It’s those very same mountains which we now head to, filled with precious resources not limited to iron. Over the past years, many minerals and gemstones have been excavated from its rich and boundless depths.”
Coppelia tilted her head in thought.
“Hmm … but if they’re also next to Granholtz and they’re filled with stuff, how come they’re yours and not theirs? You know, since they’re way bigger.”
I smiled.
Indeed, this was a suitable question from my loyal handmaiden. A question of curiosity as much as it was about geopolitics. How, exactly, could we assert any resources over our larger neighbours?
“Why, that’s simple. We put the mountains on our postcards.”
“You what now?”
“We have an entire printing press dedicated to disseminating postcards of the mountains with my kingdom’s name all across the continent. The endeavour nearly financially crippled my ancestors, but it was worth the cost.”
“And that works?”
“Flags and postcards, Coppelia. These are the symbols of a nation’s territorial integrity. Do not forget this. If and when you spy a rival monarch’s handmaiden accidentally drop a postcard of a disputed border region, you are to drop your own. Immediately. The fate of my kingdom may rely on it.”
“... Eh, what if I just pick up their postcard and throw it away?”
I covered my mouth in horror.
“Coppelia! That is not how we do things in the royal court! That is savage.”
She blinked in response.
Then, after a moment, she gave a half-hearted nod.
“Okie~”
I smiled with satisfaction.
Another day, another crucial lesson in matters of state I’d instilled. And I still hadn’t instructed her on how to make tea yet.
A long process. But one I was committed to. Under my expert tutelage, Coppelia would become a paragon of royal etiquette to make her the envy of the soirée!
And anyone who argued otherwise, she could simply toss aside with brute strength!
“Yes, well, as I was saying … we shall be heading to Stermondt to deal with the mystery of our mines coming to a standstill. My father mentioned something about a hole into the abyss being discovered. A hole. I can already tell it’s a terrible reason.”
“Really? Because that sounds kind of ominous.”
“Why so?”
“I mean, there are more things than just grumpy goblins down there.”
“Please, I’d be more understanding if it was goblins. At least then I’d have a reason to stop myself from rolling my eyes. As it is, the reason is irrelevant. Miners should be well accustomed to working with holes. What does it matter where it leads?”
That’s right!
No job was without its perils. And that especially included those involved in the maintenance of our critical infrastructure!
Miners did not have the right to forego their contractual obligations! Ore was more than a cornerstone of our economy! It was the literal bedrock to which we built and armed this kingdom!
“Frankly, I neither care nor wish to know why the mining operations have ceased. So long as a single pickaxe exists, then I expect it to be wielded.”
“Got it!~ We’ll be cruel taskmasters yelling at the lowly peons to get back to work while stepping on their meagre hopes and dreams!”
I nodded, overjoyed that Coppelia understood the nature of our task so succinctly.
“Then our next destination is settled. Eastwards to our mines. But first, we need to ready ourselves. At a restaurant with prepared ingredients. My apologies, but it’s been several hours already. You shall need to impress me with your specialist Ouzelian recipes another time.”
“Hang on.”
“Really now. It’s hardly your fault. It’s clear that the pirate menace has done more harm than to the shores. Even the fish have retreated.”
“No, wait, I think I have something.”
I blinked.
Then, I followed her focused gaze as she settled on a little splash where the end of her line had been cast.
A battle of will ensued. Yet despite my apprehension at tasting whatever concoction Coppelia would create for me, I found myself enthralled by the struggle.
Why, to resist even Coppelia’s absurd strength, it had to be something monstrously large! A regal swordfish, or even a king salmon!
Instead–
“Oh.”
I watched as something translucent and gelatinous flew over me.
Landing with a sad flop, a water slime crashed into a bundle of pebbles, then immediately tried bouncing back towards the safety of the waves.
Immediately, unwanted memories of a trying time in the world of gastronomy flared in my mind.
“Coppelia … I really don’t want to consume another slime.”
“Okay. That’s good. Because I totally wasn’t thinking about eating it. Maybe.”
“They’re not very appetising. At all.”
“All I’m saying is that I believe in trying everything twice.”
“Twice? Not once?”
“Everything has a bad day. Even food.”
I peered down at the slimy mucous left behind by the water slime as it slowly, oh so slowly, made its way back towards the sea. And then I did the same for the half-digested objects it left behind, presumably upon impact.
“Yes, well, if you intend to sample your first slime, then I suggest thoroughly washing it first.”
Coppelia glanced over the small tail of debris.
And then, for the first time in living memory, I watched as this harbinger of gluttony turned her nose up at something.
“Eh, I’ll pass. I’m not really into leftovers.”
“Good. Because this is quite inedible.” I leaned down as I examined the most striking object yet to be digested. “A partially melted amulet of poor value … one engraved with the symbol of a candle.”
“It feels familiar. And not in a good way. I’m hearing shouting.”
“These are medallions carried by sisters of the Holy Church as proof of their long service.”
“Oh, those guys who don’t like me. Yep, I can hear the shouting clearly now.”
I offered a small sigh. She deserved more.
“If you don’t enjoy the animosity of sisters, then I suggest not drinking holy water from their sacred basins. It is highly improper.”
“All I’m saying is that if there’s no sign, there’s no rules.”
“And all I’m saying is don’t drink holy water while I’m present. I have better things to do than to watch you meticulously earn the ire of sisters.”
“I mean, it wasn’t just them who shouted at me. It was the other people as well.”
“Yes, and expect only a harsher verdict where we go. Stermondt is home to the Holy Church’s oldest chapel in the kingdom, and those who live there take great pride in that piece of trivia for some reason … indeed, the chapel may very well be a worthy port of call to understand what troubles have befallen the town. Why, I’d certainly consider it a blessing if I can avoid the horrors of stepping foot in another guild hall.”
“Mmh, mmh, I think so too~”
Coppelia nodded attentively, all the while undrawing her pouch strings.
She pulled out the tea cup gifted to her by the Winter Queen and held it out to me.
“Tea cup?” I asked, rightfully confused.
“Yup,” she replied with a big smile. “My wager.”
“Your … wager? Wager for what?”
“I’m calling it now. Whatever’s wrong with that town, they’re responsible.”
“Who is?”
“The Holy Church.”
“... Excuse me?”
“I smell a plot. I’m thinking either organised crime or a conspiracy where the leaders are now all doppelgangers. That’s not part of my wager, by the way. Just a guess. But if you want to bet specifics, I’m also up for that!”
A suggestion spoken with the enthusiasm of a girl with both too much time and unused mischief. And so I had to counter it with a cross of my arms, assuming the pose of my tutors as they readily tutted at me.
“Coppelia! That is highly inappropriate.”
“What is?”
“Suggesting the Holy Church’s leadership is involved in organised crime. Their leeching of donations is entirely above board. Indeed, the amount of bureaucracy and underhanded dealings they perform to ensure it remains so is worthy of acknowledgement and admiration, even amongst the most shrewd of politicians.”
“... So being replaced by doppelgangers is still on?”
“Possible. But still unlikely. No doppelganger could hope to emulate the unfathomable self-righteousness in their voices. Even devious shapeshifters have their limits.”
“That’s what they want you to think.”
Coppelia let out her last words in a hushed voice. I raised an eyebrow.
Frankly, I had little wish to needlessly antagonise a cloister of sisters and hear their sermons in response. Not while they proved mildly useful. For all the donations they sucked dry, their healing services kept our workers productive and taxable.
“Really now, Coppelia. Even as a jest, this is too much. The Holy Church resides in the kingdom at our leisure. They have neither the daring, nor the creativity to involve themselves in plots beyond extracting ludicrous sums of donations. They are merely insidious. Not bold.”
“Well~ Coppelia Vision is never wrong. And I’m definitely getting the tickly, ominous sensations here … so, tea cup it is!”
Coppelia offered out her prize.
I regarded its crystalline design, its intricate patterns and floral handle matching … absolutely nothing in the Royal Villa, thus making it unusable.
Even so, a gift was a gift, and I was not in the habit of spurning one from my own handmaiden!
“Very well. I shall humour this proposition. The thought of sisters seeking to conspire against my kingdom is as absurdly comical as it is horrifying.”
“Great! What do you want to lose?”
“If it turns out that even the Holy Church conspires against my family, then you may have one appropriate look of grief from me. And perhaps I’ll loan the Winter Queen’s nicer pillow as well. The one I like. But only for one night.”
“Done!”
Accepting my proposal at once, Coppelia raised the tea cup high into the air, her enthusiasm matched only by my confidence that I would shortly be sipping chamomile from it.
After all, there were a host of atrocious reasons for the mines to have stopped. Laziness being the most likely culprit. Perhaps industrial sabotage or rivalries amongst the local nobility as well.
Certainly nothing to suggest treasonous nuns, doppelgangers and mad plots … yet.
“Well, I see no reason why we shouldn’t head to Stermondt with an open mind. I’ve little doubt of my impending victory, but whatever lies ahead in the coming dawn, we shall face the challenges as we always have done.”
“... Eating crêpes along the way?”
“What? No. That’s merely anecdotal. I mean we shall do it with dignity and grace, as befits our high purpose.”
“We’re going to beat up a nun. I can feel it.”
“We are not going to beat up a nun. I refuse to contemplate it. There is no factual basis for your hypothesis that our time in Stermondt will involve the kingdom’s holy institutions in any capacity.”
Thus, I turned my eyes from the pristine beach, spying the edge of the muddy road while ignoring the vague ominous feeling hovering like a dark cloud. As I should.
After all, reason dictated that there was simply no possibility the Holy Church would have any bearing on our time in Stermondt.
Why, they were arbiters of dullness and neutrality, seeking only to argue that even their legitimate income somehow counted as donations. An absurd notion. And one which kept them and their army of accountants well within their walls.
They had no cause to be involved in anything beyond their services.
None whatsoever.
That niggling doubt in my mind? That abrupt incursion of dread as tangible as a prophecy written in stone slabs and bloodied ink? That cold blast of intuition telling me it was no twist of fate we’d fished a half-digested holy amulet from a water slime?
Why … I could barely feel it!
“Come, Coppelia! We’ll have time to discuss our future exploits on the road! But first, we must find a serviceable restaurant. Preferably with a queue of commoners we can waltz past!”
My loyal handmaiden looked around at the sparse backdrop to the Restaurant de Coppelia. She gave it a moment’s thought, then shrugged.
“Eh, I’ll be honest, I only wanted to fish. I can’t actually cook.”
“Yes, well, I’m afraid the lack of seating arrangements suggested even deeper problems.”
No tableware. No ambience. No service.
It would’ve been dire even had she rolled up her sleeves and prepared a sumptuous 17 course meal of which I only ate the first one. But with time and tutelage, I had no doubt she could become a mainstay of the Royal Villa’s kitchens.
And hopefully not simply because she was eating everything.
“Ahaha~ I’m sure you would’ve lived. Maybe.”
“No ‘maybe’. I don’t have cogs, Coppelia. Please remember that when you serve me something. That means nothing I cannot digest.”
“Hey, you’re the one who ate a slime. Not me. I have standards.”
My mouth fell open.
I was appalled … mostly because she was correct!
“I think I saw a restaurant with a buffet,” she said, already heading off in search of a rival establishment to spy upon. “It’s kind of pricey, though. It’ll knock a few premium apples from our budget.”
I offered a small sigh, then lifted the bottomless pouch by my belt.
Within was the accumulated sum of all my headaches in Trierport and Soap Island, which as far as my number of crowns were concerned, consisted of 74 commissions’ worth of lost cats.
“An acceptable expenditure, provided we still have enough for provisions. Who knows when we’ll next find a chance to sit and eat?”
“Yay~”
Coppelia skipped ahead, her cheerfulness matched only by my unwanted confidence that she’d soon be banned from every eating establishment in the kingdom … if she wasn’t already.
Still, my loyal handmaiden deserved a moment of respite. As did I.
But tomorrow?
Tomorrow would bring another day. And while I didn’t know what joyless schemes awaited me, I did know that they were utterly irrelevant.
In the end, it mattered little what imperilled my kingdom.
Should anything speckle its fair horizons with dark clouds, I would strive relentlessly onwards, batting away each blemish as I would the pair of ladybugs which constantly tried to court each other on my precious hibiscuses. I cared not whether they were rogues dragged from the gutters or holy men draped in blessed chains.
If they turned a hand against me, I would step on them with my boot.
Because I was an angel. And everything I did was righteous.
But more than that, I was a princess. And everything I did was lawful.
And within my kingdom, even the heavens sat in trial against my authority.
kayenano
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My kingdom never rested on its laurels, and neither did I.
Studiously inspecting the soft grass looked upon by dignitaries. Assessing the lining of the pillows admired by guests. Combing the contents of low-brow adventure romance titles for slander and falsehoods.
Within the halls of the Royal Villa, mine was a schedule laden from dawn to dusk. A life characterised by duty, obligation and sacrifice.
This was no different upon a muddy stretch of road. Or even the glittering beach next to said muddy stretch of road.
Indeed, there was much for a busy princess to do.
So much so, that before I could even leave Trierport’s docks behind, it was time to do one last task.
Because of all my important duties, none were greater than ensuring the loyalty of my attendants. And that meant threats layered with menacing laughter.
Or barring that, keeping my promises.
I took a hurried step back as a foamy wave reached the tip of my boots.
Though unsuccessful in harming the fabric of my footwear, it left a trail of destruction in its wake.
All around me, the deceased remains of starfish, seashells and the blood crabs which attempted to hide amongst them littered the golden sand.
Here, there were no holes or pirates to ruin the aesthetics. Only a horse merrily treading to-and-fro across the same narrow stretch of water as he experienced his first introduction to the ocean.
And also a clockwork doll sat atop a small rock, swaying slightly to her own humming.
I did not join in the lullaby.
In Coppelia’s hands was a contraption fit for interrogating enemies of the kingdom.
A thin branch ending with a thread of thistleroot leaves, to which a common earthworm was made hostage.
She’d crafted it with dextrous efficiency, and now sat beneath the baking sun, confident in her ability to fish an entrée we did not have the kitchen apparatus, the tableware, the knowledge, and most importantly, the luck to cook.
She’d been sitting down for at least two hours.
Entrées caught – zilch.
I decided to make a comment.
“See? Isn’t this fun?” said my loyal handmaiden, sensing my imminent displeasure and interjecting at once. “No treason, no explosions and no [Ball Of Doom]. Isn’t this a nice change of pace?”
It was, yes.
But what also constituted a nice change of pace was using cutlery. And I failed to see a single fork amongst the dead starfish.
“Coppelia, need I remind you that I was promised a highly deserved gourmet meal for choosing this over an established restaurant in Trierport?”
“The Restaurant de Coppelia is super exclusive. We only serve the freshest fare. That means a minor wait is inevitable.”
“This isn’t a minor wait. Apple’s been trotting up and down the same bit of the beach for so long that he’s beginning to submerge. I am not digging out my horse.”
“You won’t need to. Once the horse gets a sniff of my grilled whatever I catch, he’ll be flying out for it himself.”
“Horses do not eat grilled fish. And quite aside from the fact you do not possess any fish in the first place, how do you intend to cook it?”
“With my fire.”
“What fire?”
“The fire that I haven’t built yet. Because I need to look for wood and kindling. But don’t worry! Burning stuff is easy. Finding what goes with the burning is the only tough part.”
I leaned down, surveying the makeshift fishing branch and the earthworm being dangled from it.
“A difficult task, I see. I wish for you to be aware that I only agreed to this so I could critique your cooking skills. I must warn you, the review for the Restaurant de Coppelia will be poor should you fail to even make it to that stage where I can demand a refund. An instant 7.5/10.”
“I mean, I’m kind of shocked it’s not an automatic 1/10.”
“You are the handmaiden to a princess. Everything you do is automatically rated significantly higher. After all, it’d be an insult to my reputation if anything you did was judged to be less than above average.”
“Huh. I don’t know how to feel about that … well, no, I do. It’s great! I love special treatment! But it also stings my fragile pride. Just a little.”
“Then I suggest you pray harder to whichever monarch now presides over the Kingdom Beneath The Sea. I cannot assist in this endeavour.”
“Sure? I don’t mind letting you have a go.”
“You should mind. A princess cannot touch a fishing rod, especially one so makeshift as this. What tree is this from? Birch? I’d be laughed out of the Royal Villa as soon as I returned.”
Suddenly, Coppelia giggled into the side of her haphazard fishing rod.
“Ahaha~ don’t worry. I already kind of guessed you don’t know how to fish.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“I’ll have you know that it isn’t a lack of proficiency which prevents me from … hooking creatures from the sea. It’s reputation. I cannot possibly wield a fishing rod as though I were a peasant forming my wares for the morning market.”
“No, I’m pretty sure it’s the proficiency thing. Fishing’s tough, you know? Look at me. Little earthworm’s practically dancing and still no partner.”
I peered at the vast horizon. The Emerald Sea sparkled beneath the daylight, as did all the leaping rainbow trouts which taunted both Coppelia and I.
Then, I nodded confidently, my hand going to my side.
“I could use my–”
“Nope.”
“Excuse me! Why not? My sword is a perfectly valid tool for extracting fish from the ocean! What’s more, I could do it in such a way that it wouldn’t sully my name!”
“Sure, but then it wouldn’t be fishing. It’d just be habitat destruction.”
My mouth widened in indignation … all the while I put my genius mind to work on explaining why exactly dredging swathes of fishing waters wouldn’t count as habitat destruction.
I couldn’t.
Thus–subject change it was!
“A … A matter of definition! This would be the land, or rather, the sea offering itself to my cause. We have places to be, Coppelia. And that means a sit-down dinner in order to have the energy to be there. Our next destination is far from here. The mining town of Stermondt.”
Coppelia smiled with mischief, then returned to her fishing branch … rod … thing.
“Stermondt, huh? I’ve never been that way. It’s all rocks, right?”
“Rocks?! It’s mountains! Snow capped peaks as beautiful as a Mont Blanc dessert topped with an almond and walnut dusting! I assure you, the mountains which divide us with Granholtz are each a beloved national symbol.”
“Really? I never knew that.”
“Then you should. It’s those very same mountains which we now head to, filled with precious resources not limited to iron. Over the past years, many minerals and gemstones have been excavated from its rich and boundless depths.”
Coppelia tilted her head in thought.
“Hmm … but if they’re also next to Granholtz and they’re filled with stuff, how come they’re yours and not theirs? You know, since they’re way bigger.”
I smiled.
Indeed, this was a suitable question from my loyal handmaiden. A question of curiosity as much as it was about geopolitics. How, exactly, could we assert any resources over our larger neighbours?
“Why, that’s simple. We put the mountains on our postcards.”
“You what now?”
“We have an entire printing press dedicated to disseminating postcards of the mountains with my kingdom’s name all across the continent. The endeavour nearly financially crippled my ancestors, but it was worth the cost.”
“And that works?”
“Flags and postcards, Coppelia. These are the symbols of a nation’s territorial integrity. Do not forget this. If and when you spy a rival monarch’s handmaiden accidentally drop a postcard of a disputed border region, you are to drop your own. Immediately. The fate of my kingdom may rely on it.”
“... Eh, what if I just pick up their postcard and throw it away?”
I covered my mouth in horror.
“Coppelia! That is not how we do things in the royal court! That is savage.”
She blinked in response.
Then, after a moment, she gave a half-hearted nod.
“Okie~”
I smiled with satisfaction.
Another day, another crucial lesson in matters of state I’d instilled. And I still hadn’t instructed her on how to make tea yet.
A long process. But one I was committed to. Under my expert tutelage, Coppelia would become a paragon of royal etiquette to make her the envy of the soirée!
And anyone who argued otherwise, she could simply toss aside with brute strength!
“Yes, well, as I was saying … we shall be heading to Stermondt to deal with the mystery of our mines coming to a standstill. My father mentioned something about a hole into the abyss being discovered. A hole. I can already tell it’s a terrible reason.”
“Really? Because that sounds kind of ominous.”
“Why so?”
“I mean, there are more things than just grumpy goblins down there.”
“Please, I’d be more understanding if it was goblins. At least then I’d have a reason to stop myself from rolling my eyes. As it is, the reason is irrelevant. Miners should be well accustomed to working with holes. What does it matter where it leads?”
That’s right!
No job was without its perils. And that especially included those involved in the maintenance of our critical infrastructure!
Miners did not have the right to forego their contractual obligations! Ore was more than a cornerstone of our economy! It was the literal bedrock to which we built and armed this kingdom!
“Frankly, I neither care nor wish to know why the mining operations have ceased. So long as a single pickaxe exists, then I expect it to be wielded.”
“Got it!~ We’ll be cruel taskmasters yelling at the lowly peons to get back to work while stepping on their meagre hopes and dreams!”
I nodded, overjoyed that Coppelia understood the nature of our task so succinctly.
“Then our next destination is settled. Eastwards to our mines. But first, we need to ready ourselves. At a restaurant with prepared ingredients. My apologies, but it’s been several hours already. You shall need to impress me with your specialist Ouzelian recipes another time.”
“Hang on.”
“Really now. It’s hardly your fault. It’s clear that the pirate menace has done more harm than to the shores. Even the fish have retreated.”
“No, wait, I think I have something.”
I blinked.
Then, I followed her focused gaze as she settled on a little splash where the end of her line had been cast.
A battle of will ensued. Yet despite my apprehension at tasting whatever concoction Coppelia would create for me, I found myself enthralled by the struggle.
Why, to resist even Coppelia’s absurd strength, it had to be something monstrously large! A regal swordfish, or even a king salmon!
Instead–
“Oh.”
I watched as something translucent and gelatinous flew over me.
Landing with a sad flop, a water slime crashed into a bundle of pebbles, then immediately tried bouncing back towards the safety of the waves.
Immediately, unwanted memories of a trying time in the world of gastronomy flared in my mind.
“Coppelia … I really don’t want to consume another slime.”
“Okay. That’s good. Because I totally wasn’t thinking about eating it. Maybe.”
“They’re not very appetising. At all.”
“All I’m saying is that I believe in trying everything twice.”
“Twice? Not once?”
“Everything has a bad day. Even food.”
I peered down at the slimy mucous left behind by the water slime as it slowly, oh so slowly, made its way back towards the sea. And then I did the same for the half-digested objects it left behind, presumably upon impact.
“Yes, well, if you intend to sample your first slime, then I suggest thoroughly washing it first.”
Coppelia glanced over the small tail of debris.
And then, for the first time in living memory, I watched as this harbinger of gluttony turned her nose up at something.
“Eh, I’ll pass. I’m not really into leftovers.”
“Good. Because this is quite inedible.” I leaned down as I examined the most striking object yet to be digested. “A partially melted amulet of poor value … one engraved with the symbol of a candle.”
“It feels familiar. And not in a good way. I’m hearing shouting.”
“These are medallions carried by sisters of the Holy Church as proof of their long service.”
“Oh, those guys who don’t like me. Yep, I can hear the shouting clearly now.”
I offered a small sigh. She deserved more.
“If you don’t enjoy the animosity of sisters, then I suggest not drinking holy water from their sacred basins. It is highly improper.”
“All I’m saying is that if there’s no sign, there’s no rules.”
“And all I’m saying is don’t drink holy water while I’m present. I have better things to do than to watch you meticulously earn the ire of sisters.”
“I mean, it wasn’t just them who shouted at me. It was the other people as well.”
“Yes, and expect only a harsher verdict where we go. Stermondt is home to the Holy Church’s oldest chapel in the kingdom, and those who live there take great pride in that piece of trivia for some reason … indeed, the chapel may very well be a worthy port of call to understand what troubles have befallen the town. Why, I’d certainly consider it a blessing if I can avoid the horrors of stepping foot in another guild hall.”
“Mmh, mmh, I think so too~”
Coppelia nodded attentively, all the while undrawing her pouch strings.
She pulled out the tea cup gifted to her by the Winter Queen and held it out to me.
“Tea cup?” I asked, rightfully confused.
“Yup,” she replied with a big smile. “My wager.”
“Your … wager? Wager for what?”
“I’m calling it now. Whatever’s wrong with that town, they’re responsible.”
“Who is?”
“The Holy Church.”
“... Excuse me?”
“I smell a plot. I’m thinking either organised crime or a conspiracy where the leaders are now all doppelgangers. That’s not part of my wager, by the way. Just a guess. But if you want to bet specifics, I’m also up for that!”
A suggestion spoken with the enthusiasm of a girl with both too much time and unused mischief. And so I had to counter it with a cross of my arms, assuming the pose of my tutors as they readily tutted at me.
“Coppelia! That is highly inappropriate.”
“What is?”
“Suggesting the Holy Church’s leadership is involved in organised crime. Their leeching of donations is entirely above board. Indeed, the amount of bureaucracy and underhanded dealings they perform to ensure it remains so is worthy of acknowledgement and admiration, even amongst the most shrewd of politicians.”
“... So being replaced by doppelgangers is still on?”
“Possible. But still unlikely. No doppelganger could hope to emulate the unfathomable self-righteousness in their voices. Even devious shapeshifters have their limits.”
“That’s what they want you to think.”
Coppelia let out her last words in a hushed voice. I raised an eyebrow.
Frankly, I had little wish to needlessly antagonise a cloister of sisters and hear their sermons in response. Not while they proved mildly useful. For all the donations they sucked dry, their healing services kept our workers productive and taxable.
“Really now, Coppelia. Even as a jest, this is too much. The Holy Church resides in the kingdom at our leisure. They have neither the daring, nor the creativity to involve themselves in plots beyond extracting ludicrous sums of donations. They are merely insidious. Not bold.”
“Well~ Coppelia Vision is never wrong. And I’m definitely getting the tickly, ominous sensations here … so, tea cup it is!”
Coppelia offered out her prize.
I regarded its crystalline design, its intricate patterns and floral handle matching … absolutely nothing in the Royal Villa, thus making it unusable.
Even so, a gift was a gift, and I was not in the habit of spurning one from my own handmaiden!
“Very well. I shall humour this proposition. The thought of sisters seeking to conspire against my kingdom is as absurdly comical as it is horrifying.”
“Great! What do you want to lose?”
“If it turns out that even the Holy Church conspires against my family, then you may have one appropriate look of grief from me. And perhaps I’ll loan the Winter Queen’s nicer pillow as well. The one I like. But only for one night.”
“Done!”
Accepting my proposal at once, Coppelia raised the tea cup high into the air, her enthusiasm matched only by my confidence that I would shortly be sipping chamomile from it.
After all, there were a host of atrocious reasons for the mines to have stopped. Laziness being the most likely culprit. Perhaps industrial sabotage or rivalries amongst the local nobility as well.
Certainly nothing to suggest treasonous nuns, doppelgangers and mad plots … yet.
“Well, I see no reason why we shouldn’t head to Stermondt with an open mind. I’ve little doubt of my impending victory, but whatever lies ahead in the coming dawn, we shall face the challenges as we always have done.”
“... Eating crêpes along the way?”
“What? No. That’s merely anecdotal. I mean we shall do it with dignity and grace, as befits our high purpose.”
“We’re going to beat up a nun. I can feel it.”
“We are not going to beat up a nun. I refuse to contemplate it. There is no factual basis for your hypothesis that our time in Stermondt will involve the kingdom’s holy institutions in any capacity.”
Thus, I turned my eyes from the pristine beach, spying the edge of the muddy road while ignoring the vague ominous feeling hovering like a dark cloud. As I should.
After all, reason dictated that there was simply no possibility the Holy Church would have any bearing on our time in Stermondt.
Why, they were arbiters of dullness and neutrality, seeking only to argue that even their legitimate income somehow counted as donations. An absurd notion. And one which kept them and their army of accountants well within their walls.
They had no cause to be involved in anything beyond their services.
None whatsoever.
That niggling doubt in my mind? That abrupt incursion of dread as tangible as a prophecy written in stone slabs and bloodied ink? That cold blast of intuition telling me it was no twist of fate we’d fished a half-digested holy amulet from a water slime?
Why … I could barely feel it!
“Come, Coppelia! We’ll have time to discuss our future exploits on the road! But first, we must find a serviceable restaurant. Preferably with a queue of commoners we can waltz past!”
My loyal handmaiden looked around at the sparse backdrop to the Restaurant de Coppelia. She gave it a moment’s thought, then shrugged.
“Eh, I’ll be honest, I only wanted to fish. I can’t actually cook.”
“Yes, well, I’m afraid the lack of seating arrangements suggested even deeper problems.”
No tableware. No ambience. No service.
It would’ve been dire even had she rolled up her sleeves and prepared a sumptuous 17 course meal of which I only ate the first one. But with time and tutelage, I had no doubt she could become a mainstay of the Royal Villa’s kitchens.
And hopefully not simply because she was eating everything.
“Ahaha~ I’m sure you would’ve lived. Maybe.”
“No ‘maybe’. I don’t have cogs, Coppelia. Please remember that when you serve me something. That means nothing I cannot digest.”
“Hey, you’re the one who ate a slime. Not me. I have standards.”
My mouth fell open.
I was appalled … mostly because she was correct!
“I think I saw a restaurant with a buffet,” she said, already heading off in search of a rival establishment to spy upon. “It’s kind of pricey, though. It’ll knock a few premium apples from our budget.”
I offered a small sigh, then lifted the bottomless pouch by my belt.
Within was the accumulated sum of all my headaches in Trierport and Soap Island, which as far as my number of crowns were concerned, consisted of 74 commissions’ worth of lost cats.
“An acceptable expenditure, provided we still have enough for provisions. Who knows when we’ll next find a chance to sit and eat?”
“Yay~”
Coppelia skipped ahead, her cheerfulness matched only by my unwanted confidence that she’d soon be banned from every eating establishment in the kingdom … if she wasn’t already.
Still, my loyal handmaiden deserved a moment of respite. As did I.
But tomorrow?
Tomorrow would bring another day. And while I didn’t know what joyless schemes awaited me, I did know that they were utterly irrelevant.
In the end, it mattered little what imperilled my kingdom.
Should anything speckle its fair horizons with dark clouds, I would strive relentlessly onwards, batting away each blemish as I would the pair of ladybugs which constantly tried to court each other on my precious hibiscuses. I cared not whether they were rogues dragged from the gutters or holy men draped in blessed chains.
If they turned a hand against me, I would step on them with my boot.
Because I was an angel. And everything I did was righteous.
But more than that, I was a princess. And everything I did was lawful.
And within my kingdom, even the heavens sat in trial against my authority.
kayenano
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