The whisper was as cold and barren as the darkness trying to swallow the dim light of the lantern. Yuder read unfamiliar emotions within that voice, feelings he hadn't expected Kishiar to reveal. The inside of his throat felt numbing and he felt queasy, like riding a rough wave.
What could this possibly be?
This was different from the intense impulse of the moment their lips met, and from the burning attraction that had spread like a wildfire.
There was no coercion, no commands, but strangely enough, the gate of his heart was easily swayed. He wanted to honestly admit his urge to check if Kishiar was in the room. However, he also worried about what might happen afterward.
Was this what it felt like to be thrown at a crossroads where nothing ahead could be seen? Lately, when standing in front of Kishiar, he often found himself caught up in such restlessness. Had he ever felt this much hesitation about what he intended to do? Yuder looked down, feeling like an explorer standing at the last moment before a point of no return. Kishiar's hand, still on the glass, caught his eye.
Unlike his dreams, that large hand, not wrapped in a glove, was the strongest proof that the past and the present were different.
The clearest of the leftover pen marks in the middle of the finger must be because he was working almost until he arrived here. An image of Kishiar working in the bedroom flitted across Yuder's mind.
Seeing him lying in bed when he wasn't well before, it wasn't hard to imagine him lying down working. Had he been like that all day today as well? Listening for any noise outside the door, quietly, and alone.
'It all leads to the same conclusion, no matter what I think.'
Just when he was about to avert his gaze in disbelief, he suddenly noticed something red inside Kishiar's sleeve. It was a fleeting glimpse that could be dismissed as a misperception, but Yuder's eyes, well-versed in wounds and death, instinctively discerned its nature.
'…A scar?'
All the complex thoughts that had occupied his mind until a moment ago vanished, leaving him blinking in surprise. Before he knew it, he had acted on impulse. Next thing he realized, he was lifting Kishiar's sleeve, holding the cuff in his hand.
"Commander, what is this…"
Sure enough, it wasn't a misconception. The thin, red mark revealed inside the sleeve was undoubtedly the trace of a healed wound. Even with divine power healing, deep wounds tend to leave a reddish mark for some time, and Kishiar's mark precisely matched that. It was a mark he had seen so many times in his past life that he knew it even if he didn't want to. His hand on the scar felt numb, possibly due to the intense shock and anger.
"What is this? Who did this?"
"There's no need to worry."
Casually, Kishiar pulled his arm away from Yuder's grasp. The scar vanished back under the sleeve.
"So, are you not going to answer me in the end?"
"Is the answer important right now?"
"It is important, of course."
His casual response was stupefying, but Yuder chose his words as calmly as possible.
"First, tell me who did this. Where and what did you do to leave such a deep wound? Who healed…"
Kishiar sighed.
"Who else."
"Excuse me?"
"I inflicted it myself. And I healed it myself. So, calm down."
Kishiar had personally inflicted and healed the wound? Was that true?
But why?
Yuder was speechless for a long time before he finally managed to move his lips.
"Why..."
"Because it's the most effective way to temporarily drain a large amount of energy from a human body. But of course, it does seem a bit extreme."
The response was so cold, it didn't feel like he was talking about his own body. It took several blinks for Yuder to understand that what he had just heard was related to the energy release cycle. Suddenly, a feeling of being choked hit him.
"You said you were drawing it out naturally. Is this your idea of natural?"
"..."
"Isn't it?"
Kishiar did not reply. Of course, it wasn't. Self-harm couldn't possibly be a natural method. So, had he always used this method to cycle his energy? Did Nathan Zuckerman know about this? Had he done the same in his past life?
'No, that can't be.'
No matter how Kishiar had transferred his energy before, Yuder instinctively knew this was not it. He might not know all about Nathan Zuckerman's nature, but he was sure Nathan wouldn't nonchalantly accept a method that hurt his lord. But then, why had Kishiar abruptly abandoned his original method and chosen to rip his arm?
Was there a reason that compelled him to?
His head started spinning. Looking at the speechless Yuder, Kishiar lifted the corners of his mouth in a troubled expression.
"It seems like you're quite shocked."
This was no time for a simple expression of surprise. It was enough to completely awaken him from what little sleep he had left.
"Does Zuckerman know?"
"Nathan doesn't. He'd be surprised, so let's keep it a secret."
"Have you been doing this since the start of this cycle?"
"No. Didn't I say this was a temporary method?"
Despite his denial, Yuder found it hard to believe him. He decided to consult with Nathan Zuckerman as soon as dawn broke.
The pale, bloodless face he had seen in the corridor wasn't just because of the night. His comment about the chill subsiding wasn't a mere metaphor either. Naturally, when blood leaves the body, one feels colder.
Mixed feelings of astonishment and directionless, intense emotions came over him.
'Didn't he say he values his body more than I do mine?'
Why would someone who is different from ordinary people in every way do such a thing?
Staring once again at Kishiar, Yuder suddenly felt as if he had found an answer in those watchful eyes. It was an implausible answer from a logical perspective, but for some reason, in this emotionally charged moment, it made sense.
'Could it be.'
"...Is it because of me?"
"..."
Again, there was no response. But unlike his smiling lips, his eyebrows softened slightly.
His absurd speculation shattered all at once. He saw his own face, mouth agape and speechless, faintly reflected in Kishiar's eyes.
'Did he tear his arm to come to me? Really?'
Something within him felt like it was being pushed off a cliff and tumbling down. Whatever had started rolling inside him, he knew he couldn't stop it with his own power.
"I'm sorry. When I said I couldn't remember anything on my way here, that was a lie."
Kishiar muttered, unsure what Yuder made of his silence.
"But I really wanted to see you. The thought that if not now, I couldn't ask, was too intense to bear. But my condition was too unstable to go outside…"
Behind the whisper that he had no choice but to rip his arm, it seemed as if countless words were echoing.
Why he had come to my bedroom door today.
If he had been thinking of me.
If he knew I was waiting.
"…"
"Are you disappointed? That I lack the restraint you have."
The lamplight flickered over a peculiar smile. The swaying light, due to an indiscernible sigh, made Kishiar's smile seem like a warped portrait. Something that had been tumbling inside Yuder reached a point of no return upon seeing that smile.
Remembering a dream of a day in a past life when Kishiar had said similar words, Yuder closed his eyes.
"I'm not particularly strong in restraint, either."
"People would be angry if they heard that."
"If I had such strong restraint, I would not have impulsively made my way to you, knowing where you were and what you were doing."
The gaze that fell upon his face was scorching. It was a straining feeling, but Yuder struggled to finish his final words.
"I was really impulsive. But then, I wanted to confirm something so badly that I couldn't resist."
Just like when he had torn his arm and stood in front of Yuder's room, unable to do anything.
In saying that he had come because he felt it had to be done then, he was no different from Yuder. Thinking this, a faint smile slipped out. He had considered them different in every way, but looking at it this way, they might have been quite similar.
'It makes sense that our behavior would be similar, considering I learned everything from Kishiar to become a Commander…'
"What was it?"
Kishiar asked what he had wanted to confirm.
Exhaling a sigh, Yuder looked straight at him.
"I wanted to confirm if you were really there."
That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. It was the simple truth.
After uttering it, the statement seemed too concise, feeling almost meaningless, and that left a sense of emptiness. However, it appeared the listener did not feel the same.
Gradually, the shadow lifted from the face of the silent Kishiar, and a smile brighter than the light blossomed.
"We were the same."
He whispered.
"Both of us were the same, weren't we?"
"Yes…"
Whether he heard the small response properly or not, the brighter smile illuminated the room.
The whisper was as cold and barren as the darkness trying to swallow the dim light of the lantern. Yuder read unfamiliar emotions within that voice, feelings he hadn't expected Kishiar to reveal. The inside of his throat felt numbing and he felt queasy, like riding a rough wave.
What could this possibly be?
This was different from the intense impulse of the moment their lips met, and from the burning attraction that had spread like a wildfire.
There was no coercion, no commands, but strangely enough, the gate of his heart was easily swayed. He wanted to honestly admit his urge to check if Kishiar was in the room. However, he also worried about what might happen afterward.
Was this what it felt like to be thrown at a crossroads where nothing ahead could be seen? Lately, when standing in front of Kishiar, he often found himself caught up in such restlessness. Had he ever felt this much hesitation about what he intended to do? Yuder looked down, feeling like an explorer standing at the last moment before a point of no return. Kishiar's hand, still on the glass, caught his eye.
Unlike his dreams, that large hand, not wrapped in a glove, was the strongest proof that the past and the present were different.
The clearest of the leftover pen marks in the middle of the finger must be because he was working almost until he arrived here. An image of Kishiar working in the bedroom flitted across Yuder's mind.
Seeing him lying in bed when he wasn't well before, it wasn't hard to imagine him lying down working. Had he been like that all day today as well? Listening for any noise outside the door, quietly, and alone.
'It all leads to the same conclusion, no matter what I think.'
Just when he was about to avert his gaze in disbelief, he suddenly noticed something red inside Kishiar's sleeve. It was a fleeting glimpse that could be dismissed as a misperception, but Yuder's eyes, well-versed in wounds and death, instinctively discerned its nature.
'…A scar?'
All the complex thoughts that had occupied his mind until a moment ago vanished, leaving him blinking in surprise. Before he knew it, he had acted on impulse. Next thing he realized, he was lifting Kishiar's sleeve, holding the cuff in his hand.
"Commander, what is this…"
Sure enough, it wasn't a misconception. The thin, red mark revealed inside the sleeve was undoubtedly the trace of a healed wound. Even with divine power healing, deep wounds tend to leave a reddish mark for some time, and Kishiar's mark precisely matched that. It was a mark he had seen so many times in his past life that he knew it even if he didn't want to. His hand on the scar felt numb, possibly due to the intense shock and anger.
"What is this? Who did this?"
"There's no need to worry."
Casually, Kishiar pulled his arm away from Yuder's grasp. The scar vanished back under the sleeve.
"So, are you not going to answer me in the end?"
"Is the answer important right now?"
"It is important, of course."
His casual response was stupefying, but Yuder chose his words as calmly as possible.
"First, tell me who did this. Where and what did you do to leave such a deep wound? Who healed…"
Kishiar sighed.
"Who else."
"Excuse me?"
"I inflicted it myself. And I healed it myself. So, calm down."
Kishiar had personally inflicted and healed the wound? Was that true?
But why?
Yuder was speechless for a long time before he finally managed to move his lips.
"Why..."
"Because it's the most effective way to temporarily drain a large amount of energy from a human body. But of course, it does seem a bit extreme."
The response was so cold, it didn't feel like he was talking about his own body. It took several blinks for Yuder to understand that what he had just heard was related to the energy release cycle. Suddenly, a feeling of being choked hit him.
"You said you were drawing it out naturally. Is this your idea of natural?"
"..."
"Isn't it?"
Kishiar did not reply. Of course, it wasn't. Self-harm couldn't possibly be a natural method. So, had he always used this method to cycle his energy? Did Nathan Zuckerman know about this? Had he done the same in his past life?
'No, that can't be.'
No matter how Kishiar had transferred his energy before, Yuder instinctively knew this was not it. He might not know all about Nathan Zuckerman's nature, but he was sure Nathan wouldn't nonchalantly accept a method that hurt his lord. But then, why had Kishiar abruptly abandoned his original method and chosen to rip his arm?
Was there a reason that compelled him to?
His head started spinning. Looking at the speechless Yuder, Kishiar lifted the corners of his mouth in a troubled expression.
"It seems like you're quite shocked."
This was no time for a simple expression of surprise. It was enough to completely awaken him from what little sleep he had left.
"Does Zuckerman know?"
"Nathan doesn't. He'd be surprised, so let's keep it a secret."
"Have you been doing this since the start of this cycle?"
"No. Didn't I say this was a temporary method?"
Despite his denial, Yuder found it hard to believe him. He decided to consult with Nathan Zuckerman as soon as dawn broke.
The pale, bloodless face he had seen in the corridor wasn't just because of the night. His comment about the chill subsiding wasn't a mere metaphor either. Naturally, when blood leaves the body, one feels colder.
Mixed feelings of astonishment and directionless, intense emotions came over him.
'Didn't he say he values his body more than I do mine?'
Why would someone who is different from ordinary people in every way do such a thing?
Staring once again at Kishiar, Yuder suddenly felt as if he had found an answer in those watchful eyes. It was an implausible answer from a logical perspective, but for some reason, in this emotionally charged moment, it made sense.
'Could it be.'
"...Is it because of me?"
"..."
Again, there was no response. But unlike his smiling lips, his eyebrows softened slightly.
His absurd speculation shattered all at once. He saw his own face, mouth agape and speechless, faintly reflected in Kishiar's eyes.
'Did he tear his arm to come to me? Really?'
Something within him felt like it was being pushed off a cliff and tumbling down. Whatever had started rolling inside him, he knew he couldn't stop it with his own power.
"I'm sorry. When I said I couldn't remember anything on my way here, that was a lie."
Kishiar muttered, unsure what Yuder made of his silence.
"But I really wanted to see you. The thought that if not now, I couldn't ask, was too intense to bear. But my condition was too unstable to go outside…"
Behind the whisper that he had no choice but to rip his arm, it seemed as if countless words were echoing.
Why he had come to my bedroom door today.
If he had been thinking of me.
If he knew I was waiting.
"…"
"Are you disappointed? That I lack the restraint you have."
The lamplight flickered over a peculiar smile. The swaying light, due to an indiscernible sigh, made Kishiar's smile seem like a warped portrait. Something that had been tumbling inside Yuder reached a point of no return upon seeing that smile.
Remembering a dream of a day in a past life when Kishiar had said similar words, Yuder closed his eyes.
"I'm not particularly strong in restraint, either."
"People would be angry if they heard that."
"If I had such strong restraint, I would not have impulsively made my way to you, knowing where you were and what you were doing."
The gaze that fell upon his face was scorching. It was a straining feeling, but Yuder struggled to finish his final words.
"I was really impulsive. But then, I wanted to confirm something so badly that I couldn't resist."
Just like when he had torn his arm and stood in front of Yuder's room, unable to do anything.
In saying that he had come because he felt it had to be done then, he was no different from Yuder. Thinking this, a faint smile slipped out. He had considered them different in every way, but looking at it this way, they might have been quite similar.
'It makes sense that our behavior would be similar, considering I learned everything from Kishiar to become a Commander…'
"What was it?"
Kishiar asked what he had wanted to confirm.
Exhaling a sigh, Yuder looked straight at him.
"I wanted to confirm if you were really there."
That was it. Nothing more, nothing less. It was the simple truth.
After uttering it, the statement seemed too concise, feeling almost meaningless, and that left a sense of emptiness. However, it appeared the listener did not feel the same.
Gradually, the shadow lifted from the face of the silent Kishiar, and a smile brighter than the light blossomed.
"We were the same."
He whispered.
"Both of us were the same, weren't we?"
"Yes…"
Whether he heard the small response properly or not, the brighter smile illuminated the room.
