Chapter 292
"I'm sorry."
But his apology seemed to provoke an entirely different emotion in the other party.
"Sorry, you say... what are you sorry for?"
An even more bitter whisper than before faintly knocked on his eardrums. If he reacted impulsively and apologized again, he feared the voice might shatter. Struggling to speak, Yuder opened his mouth.
"Before... I broke my promise that I wouldn't get hurt. You told me not to act recklessly, but I did anyway..."
"..."
"And then..."
His mind felt clouded, making it more challenging than usual to gather his thoughts. On reflection, his mouth felt much drier than usual, and his breath felt hot. As if confirming what Lusan said before he fell asleep, the pain reliever's effect seemed to be wearing off, leaving the monster's venomous effect to permeate his skin. As his drawn-out words halted and silence descended, Kishiar let out a long sigh. The inconsequential sound of breath strangely felt like a stabbing sword to his heart.
"So you broke all of them, knowing full well what they were about. It must mean you considered the task at hand more important."
He did, to be honest, but Yuder decided not to answer.
If given the same chance again, he would undoubtedly act to kill Pethuamet. As the only one who knew what disaster the monster could become, it was the best choice he could make, and he didn't regret the result. With Pethuamet dead, countless people would now survive, and long-standing cities and towns would continue to thrive, unbroken.
And the Cavalry members who had bravely fought and fell without anyone's help, and their Commander, who had single-handedly confronted Pethuamet, bloodied and battered, would have been spared from the start.
Although he couldn't explain this to Kishiar, the fact alone was more than enough to justify the ordeal for Yuder. In the darkness that veiled his sight, Yuder cleared his mind of the vivid memory of the white robe at the cliff's edge. And he resolved that, whatever anger Kishiar might express, he would humbly accept it as a deserved punishment.
"When I was young, my dream was to be a hero."
But the reply that came back contained an unexpected story.
"I read stories about the First Emperor of the Empire and the heroes who helped him every day. I couldn't bear to suppress everything I had for the sake of my body, as the people around me advised. I wanted to be a hero who would willingly sacrifice his life for the right cause, who wouldn't regret any sacrifice, and who would move forward..."
His quiet monologue paused momentarily after the last phrase. A faint, empty laughter trickled out.
"Back then, I didn't know how the people around a hero felt."
"..."
"Do you know that after the first Emperor, who achieved a historic task, was called early by the God, the Empress who succeeded him requested in her will that their graves not be placed side by side, but instead laid facing each other forever?"
Yuder slightly shook his head. That simple movement seemed to make his entire brain sway, the inside of his eyes becoming unbearably hot.
"People naturally didn't comply with her will. So she was simply laid next to the Emperor's grave. I couldn't understand it then, but now I have an inkling of why she might have made that request."
"…Commander."
As he faintly called him, a hand reached out and gently caressed Yuder's cheek. Though he was not usually one to run hot, right now the fingertips touching his skin felt unnaturally cold. It seemed his own physical condition was far from normal.
"Yuder Aile, you've performed a heroic feat. You have saved us all from a great disaster without fear, standing in place of those who, blinded by their momentary greed, nearly doomed both themselves and everyone else. This is an admirable deed, certainly deserving of praise. As your superior, I too should commend such an action."
Despite the formal language he consciously used, he could feel the faintest, almost extinguished emotion transmitted through the hand on his cheek.
"…But I can't."
His fingers on his cheek started to tremble slowly.
"How can I praise your near-death with a smile on my face? I can't even comprehend how I could have previously performed such actions without thought. I'm overwhelmed with relentless regrets and recollections... whether it would have been right to let you go as you wished, or if it would have been better for me to remain... even after contemplating it numerous times, I couldn't find an answer. While I kept telling myself it's alright because you're safe, the situation has concluded well, and we can turn the tables far better than we initially planned, I couldn't forgive myself for thinking that way. It was all unbearable. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
The pain in Kishiar's voice was heart-wrenching. He was in the midst of doubting himself, resenting himself, and not wanting to be angry at Yuder. The moment he realized his anger was directed at himself, not him, and he was in torment, Yuder found himself speechless. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe.
"Commander."
Yuder called out to him with difficulty. The trembling hand that held his cheek stopped. He had never wanted to see his face, which must have been looking down at him, more desperately. His chest hurt terribly as if his previous thought that he didn't regret what he had done was a lie. It was like a sculptor hollowing out his ribs with a chisel. Swallowing pain worse than the monster's venom, he hastily licked his lips.
"Commander, it's not your fault. Please just get angry at me. Isn't it my fault for not waiting for you to arrive and only thinking about resolving it quickly, not considering the surroundings? I said the mages could figure out how to cancel the amplification, but when the situation arose, I didn't even think about it..."
"It was wise not to wait for them."
His muted voice coldly interrupted him.
"…Pardon?"
Kishiar didn't respond. In the silence, heavy as boiling water, the touch of his five fingers on Yuder's cheek was the only reminder of his presence.
"I thought I'd gotten used to accepting the disappearance of someone from the world... It appears I was wrong."
His long fingertips very carefully yet frantically stroked over the bandage covering his closed eyes, his forehead, his hair. It was a gesture both Lusan and Kanna had done, but Kishiar's touch felt fundamentally different from theirs. It was the first time Yuder had ever felt such a painful, caressing touch from someone.
"In the moment I thought you had breathed your last in my arms, until you opened your eyes again, I couldn't think of anything."
"..."
"Truly, nothing at all..."
As the man repeated his whispers, his hand ceaselessly stroked Yuder's hair over his ear.
"And when you opened your eyes and smiled, oblivious to everything... what do you think I felt then?"
Yuder had tried to mutter an apology once more, but the fingertips pressing gently beneath his lips halted his words.
"You always teach me feelings I've never felt before. Sometimes you seem to be the only one like me, at other times, you make me feel like a helpless fool unique in this world. But still... I guess that's okay. As long as you're alive, nothing else matters..."
The hand that was softly pressing his dry lips withdrew. Yuder, feeling an odd sense of loss, swallowed the pain throbbing deep inside his chest.
Indeed, he would have preferred to endure a few blows or the shouting of his anger. Seeing Kishiar, who was as lifeless as burnt ash, call himself a helpless fool was more painful than any punishment in the world, especially since Yuder was unable to respond.
What was Yuder Aile, who killed him in his previous life, compared to a man like Kishiar La Orr? The words were unbearably painful and so strange he could hardly bear it.
The certainty of his sincerity squeezed his heart even more.
'...Sincerity.'
As he mulled over that unfamiliar word once again, a dream he'd had before waking up surfaced in his mind. Thinking back, the Kishiar from his previous life who came looking for him wasn't always playfully teasing. It didn't make sense for him to break through the strict guard from Peletta to here just to play a game or make love with someone he could do it with anyone, just because he wanted to tease his successor.
At that time, he didn't want to know why he kept coming to him. However, within the desperate warmth of the arms that embraced him tightly in his dream, there was surely a sincerity that he had not expressed in words.
Chapter 292
"I'm sorry."
But his apology seemed to provoke an entirely different emotion in the other party.
"Sorry, you say... what are you sorry for?"
An even more bitter whisper than before faintly knocked on his eardrums. If he reacted impulsively and apologized again, he feared the voice might shatter. Struggling to speak, Yuder opened his mouth.
"Before... I broke my promise that I wouldn't get hurt. You told me not to act recklessly, but I did anyway..."
"..."
"And then..."
His mind felt clouded, making it more challenging than usual to gather his thoughts. On reflection, his mouth felt much drier than usual, and his breath felt hot. As if confirming what Lusan said before he fell asleep, the pain reliever's effect seemed to be wearing off, leaving the monster's venomous effect to permeate his skin. As his drawn-out words halted and silence descended, Kishiar let out a long sigh. The inconsequential sound of breath strangely felt like a stabbing sword to his heart.
"So you broke all of them, knowing full well what they were about. It must mean you considered the task at hand more important."
He did, to be honest, but Yuder decided not to answer.
If given the same chance again, he would undoubtedly act to kill Pethuamet. As the only one who knew what disaster the monster could become, it was the best choice he could make, and he didn't regret the result. With Pethuamet dead, countless people would now survive, and long-standing cities and towns would continue to thrive, unbroken.
And the Cavalry members who had bravely fought and fell without anyone's help, and their Commander, who had single-handedly confronted Pethuamet, bloodied and battered, would have been spared from the start.
Although he couldn't explain this to Kishiar, the fact alone was more than enough to justify the ordeal for Yuder. In the darkness that veiled his sight, Yuder cleared his mind of the vivid memory of the white robe at the cliff's edge. And he resolved that, whatever anger Kishiar might express, he would humbly accept it as a deserved punishment.
"When I was young, my dream was to be a hero."
But the reply that came back contained an unexpected story.
"I read stories about the First Emperor of the Empire and the heroes who helped him every day. I couldn't bear to suppress everything I had for the sake of my body, as the people around me advised. I wanted to be a hero who would willingly sacrifice his life for the right cause, who wouldn't regret any sacrifice, and who would move forward..."
His quiet monologue paused momentarily after the last phrase. A faint, empty laughter trickled out.
"Back then, I didn't know how the people around a hero felt."
"..."
"Do you know that after the first Emperor, who achieved a historic task, was called early by the God, the Empress who succeeded him requested in her will that their graves not be placed side by side, but instead laid facing each other forever?"
Yuder slightly shook his head. That simple movement seemed to make his entire brain sway, the inside of his eyes becoming unbearably hot.
"People naturally didn't comply with her will. So she was simply laid next to the Emperor's grave. I couldn't understand it then, but now I have an inkling of why she might have made that request."
"…Commander."
As he faintly called him, a hand reached out and gently caressed Yuder's cheek. Though he was not usually one to run hot, right now the fingertips touching his skin felt unnaturally cold. It seemed his own physical condition was far from normal.
"Yuder Aile, you've performed a heroic feat. You have saved us all from a great disaster without fear, standing in place of those who, blinded by their momentary greed, nearly doomed both themselves and everyone else. This is an admirable deed, certainly deserving of praise. As your superior, I too should commend such an action."
Despite the formal language he consciously used, he could feel the faintest, almost extinguished emotion transmitted through the hand on his cheek.
"…But I can't."
His fingers on his cheek started to tremble slowly.
"How can I praise your near-death with a smile on my face? I can't even comprehend how I could have previously performed such actions without thought. I'm overwhelmed with relentless regrets and recollections... whether it would have been right to let you go as you wished, or if it would have been better for me to remain... even after contemplating it numerous times, I couldn't find an answer. While I kept telling myself it's alright because you're safe, the situation has concluded well, and we can turn the tables far better than we initially planned, I couldn't forgive myself for thinking that way. It was all unbearable. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
The pain in Kishiar's voice was heart-wrenching. He was in the midst of doubting himself, resenting himself, and not wanting to be angry at Yuder. The moment he realized his anger was directed at himself, not him, and he was in torment, Yuder found himself speechless. Suddenly, he couldn't breathe.
"Commander."
Yuder called out to him with difficulty. The trembling hand that held his cheek stopped. He had never wanted to see his face, which must have been looking down at him, more desperately. His chest hurt terribly as if his previous thought that he didn't regret what he had done was a lie. It was like a sculptor hollowing out his ribs with a chisel. Swallowing pain worse than the monster's venom, he hastily licked his lips.
"Commander, it's not your fault. Please just get angry at me. Isn't it my fault for not waiting for you to arrive and only thinking about resolving it quickly, not considering the surroundings? I said the mages could figure out how to cancel the amplification, but when the situation arose, I didn't even think about it..."
"It was wise not to wait for them."
His muted voice coldly interrupted him.
"…Pardon?"
Kishiar didn't respond. In the silence, heavy as boiling water, the touch of his five fingers on Yuder's cheek was the only reminder of his presence.
"I thought I'd gotten used to accepting the disappearance of someone from the world... It appears I was wrong."
His long fingertips very carefully yet frantically stroked over the bandage covering his closed eyes, his forehead, his hair. It was a gesture both Lusan and Kanna had done, but Kishiar's touch felt fundamentally different from theirs. It was the first time Yuder had ever felt such a painful, caressing touch from someone.
"In the moment I thought you had breathed your last in my arms, until you opened your eyes again, I couldn't think of anything."
"..."
"Truly, nothing at all..."
As the man repeated his whispers, his hand ceaselessly stroked Yuder's hair over his ear.
"And when you opened your eyes and smiled, oblivious to everything... what do you think I felt then?"
Yuder had tried to mutter an apology once more, but the fingertips pressing gently beneath his lips halted his words.
"You always teach me feelings I've never felt before. Sometimes you seem to be the only one like me, at other times, you make me feel like a helpless fool unique in this world. But still... I guess that's okay. As long as you're alive, nothing else matters..."
The hand that was softly pressing his dry lips withdrew. Yuder, feeling an odd sense of loss, swallowed the pain throbbing deep inside his chest.
Indeed, he would have preferred to endure a few blows or the shouting of his anger. Seeing Kishiar, who was as lifeless as burnt ash, call himself a helpless fool was more painful than any punishment in the world, especially since Yuder was unable to respond.
What was Yuder Aile, who killed him in his previous life, compared to a man like Kishiar La Orr? The words were unbearably painful and so strange he could hardly bear it.
The certainty of his sincerity squeezed his heart even more.
'...Sincerity.'
As he mulled over that unfamiliar word once again, a dream he'd had before waking up surfaced in his mind. Thinking back, the Kishiar from his previous life who came looking for him wasn't always playfully teasing. It didn't make sense for him to break through the strict guard from Peletta to here just to play a game or make love with someone he could do it with anyone, just because he wanted to tease his successor.
At that time, he didn't want to know why he kept coming to him. However, within the desperate warmth of the arms that embraced him tightly in his dream, there was surely a sincerity that he had not expressed in words.
