Chapter 329
Even after his panting breath had somewhat subsided, Kishiar did not remove his lips from Yuder's neck. Yuder, too, did not try to struggle out of his embrace. In the past, once his task was completed, he would only be left with cold darkness, but this moment was different in every way.
Crumpled on a sofa that was too small to comfortably hold them both, Yuder vividly recognized his own change when he did not feel at all suffocated being enveloped in a strong hold still warm and moist. If possible, he thought it might even be okay to stay like this a little longer.
But he was also well aware of how enormous and excessive such a desire was.
"... I know we should get up and clean up, but I don't want to move."
Then, a whisper, as though reading Yuder's thoughts, reached his ears. As he slightly turned his head, Kishiar, with his eyes narrowed like a sated beast, half buried his face in Yuder's shoulder and let out a smile. His disheveled hair dampened by sweat couldn't conceal his beauty. The man, who was openly exuding a tremoring scent and satisfactory joy, felt like the summer sun that held all life on earth in his sway.
"Sorry, but would it be alright if we stayed like this for just a little while longer?"
Yuder nodded lightly in response. With a smile, Kishiar pressed his lips lightly once again to the lower part of Yuder's neck.
"I know it might sound funny to say this, but it feels like I've finally come to realize that you're alive, right here in front of me."
"… I apologize for causing so much trouble because of my eyes."
"It's not just because of your eyes... well, that too, but..."
As Kishiar tried to deny something then stopped, a curious glance was sent his way. A moment later, the reply came.
"More accurately, it's because of the illusion."
There was only one thing that could be associated with the word illusion. Yuder's once languid senses contracted sharply and he forced his eyes open.
"... You mean my illusion?"
Kishiar didn't answer. His silence was affirmation.
Yuder remembered the time when Kishiar had rushed out alone to confront Nahan. Then, Kishiar had said he saw Yuder in the illusion, but he had not gone into detail. There had been no mention of it since, so he thought it was quickly forgotten, but it seemed that wasn't the case.
"I had no idea... that you were still concerned about that."
"I didn't plan on dwelling on it either. But it seems it's not as easy to put out of mind as one would hope."
"Did I attack you in the illusion?"
"What? No."
Kishiar gave a small shake of his shoulders as he laughed.
"If that was the case, I wouldn't have been worrying about it for so long. It would have been just ridiculous."
A pain shot through Yuder's chest. The tone of his voice seemed to suggest it was something that could never happen, and Yuder was left without a response.
Even though it hadn't happened yet, at least in Yuder's memories, the event existed clearly. He had no intention of repeating such an act in this life, but since the memory did not disappear from within him, Yuder kept his silence.
"I heard that his illusion is based on the thoughts in the mind of the recipient, is that correct?"
"Yes."
Recalling the report he'd given previously and the subsequent encounters with Nahan, Yuder responded briefly.
"So that's the strange part. What I saw was a scene I had neither imagined nor ever seen before."
"What on earth did you see to make you so?"
"I saw you in my clothes. To be precise... you wore the Commander uniform."
A huge shock hit him at once. If Kishiar had said he saw Yuder dying or severely injured, he might not have been so surprised. But Yuder, clad in the Commander uniform?
Wasn't that the figure of Yudrain Aile, the Cavalry Commander from his previous life?
Kishiar, seeing Yuder's greatly shaken eyes, quickly added an explanation.
"Just to be clear, I have never once thought that my assistant is vying for the position of Cavalry Commander. If you wanted to, you would have accepted the Deputy Commander position when I offered it to you before."
Kishiar laughed, saying it was only natural considering how long it took to convince him to accept the created assistant position, but Yuder could not laugh back. His mind was colder than ever.
He had to think calmly. He didn't want to arouse Kishiar's suspicion by appearing overly shocked. If he had merely seen a vision of himself dressed in the Commander's uniform, he couldn't definitively conclude that he was entirely his previous self.
"... So, did you only see me wearing the Commander's uniform? Or did I do anything else?"
"Just that."
Kishiar, having responded, added after a moment.
"Upon reflection, the most likely guess would be that, perhaps after going through a possibly fatal situation, my anxious mind reflected in such a way."
"I... I don't see the connection."
"Hmm... I need to explain how much of a self-conceited coward I was... but I can't delay cleaning up any longer. Let's continue the talk as we get cleaned."
Looking at Yuder's seriously furrowed brow, Kishiar squinted gently. Like a beast stretching, he reached out for the small water pitcher on the table and began to clean them. He poured water over a handkerchief he had taken out of his pocket, dampening it. His movements, as he cleaned the two of them, were incredibly smooth as if performing a completely natural task. Yuder had to awkwardly accept his touch, having missed the opportunity to say that he would do it himself.
"I told you before. I quite like breaking down walls."
As he finished cleaning his own hands, the man lifted Yuder's wrist, diligently wiping between each finger while mumbling.
"But that's only when there's a wall to break. If there's nothing there, I can't do anything at all. And I was full of arrogance, thinking that wall would never disappear. Because that wall was so strong, it wouldn't allow anyone's approach."
As he continued to clean Yuder's fingers, Kishiar kept talking, his gaze fixed on his task.
"But this time, I've realized something. Even when I was full of arrogance, that wall could suddenly disappear. And if it did, I would be standing forever in its place, unable to do anything, falling into despair."
"..."
"The essence of composure comes from certainty. When certainty shakes, no amount of composure can stand. So I would have wanted to hold onto you. I would have wanted to rebuild the certainty that, no matter what happened, you would not disappear from my side."
As he finished wiping Yuder's last finger, the man who mumbled indifferently as if he was analyzing someone else didn't let go of the hand he held. His red gaze traced over Yuder's rough fingertips.
"In other words... I was suddenly afraid. Being afraid means feeling fear, and it's not strange that my fantasy capitalized on that fear and manifested in a distorted form. In fact, I was quite taken with it there."
Yuder, whose words were abruptly and strangely interrupted, looked up to see the man holding his own hand with elegance and smiling self-mockingly.
"...Taken with it, you say?"
"Yes."
"You mean it wasn't fear?"
"It was shocking and strange, but not frightening. Just, well... I couldn't take my eyes off it. Even knowing it was a fantasy, I thought it would be good if I could hold onto it, even if it meant giving up my seat to you."
Kishiar pulled Yuder's hand towards him and kissed him.
"Tell me anytime if you want to try."
"I don't."
"Even if I say I'll grant you whatever you want?"
"What I want is for you never to say such things again."
"Indeed, you're relentless. You did look good in white."
Looked good? Yuder had worn that uniform for a long time but had never once thought that.
"Don't even suggest I try it on as a joke. I really don't like it."
At the end of his serious remark, Kishiar replied, "I understand," laughing. His movement of softly rubbing his nose against the back of Yuder's hand and deeply inhaling conveyed a tingling sensation.
"Your scent has gotten stronger. Can you feel it?"
"...I can only feel your scent."
"They say you usually can't smell your own scent. But it's very strong now."
Yuder was caught in a strange mood. It was almost the first time someone had told him about his own scent.
'...Right. This time, I'm an omega with a scent.'
Yuder realized anew that he too could emit a scent, just as much as it emanated from Kishiar.
'It's different from before.'
So let's not think too deeply. The fantasy that Kishiar saw was not Yudrain. He hadn't said so himself.
Yuder wanted to feel relieved, but a part of his mind couldn't shake off the chill.
'Really?'
Was it just that?
Was the fantasy of Yuder Aile in the white uniform merely a twisted manifestation of fear derived from Kishiar's desire to hold onto him?
It was unknown. Yuder wiped his sweaty forehead and slowly got up. Only then did he see the surrounding devastation that had been out of sight while lying down. The expensive liquor-filled glass was rolling on the carpet, horribly soaking it, and the soft, cloth-covered sofa was a complete mess after their intense activities on it.
Chapter 329
Even after his panting breath had somewhat subsided, Kishiar did not remove his lips from Yuder's neck. Yuder, too, did not try to struggle out of his embrace. In the past, once his task was completed, he would only be left with cold darkness, but this moment was different in every way.
Crumpled on a sofa that was too small to comfortably hold them both, Yuder vividly recognized his own change when he did not feel at all suffocated being enveloped in a strong hold still warm and moist. If possible, he thought it might even be okay to stay like this a little longer.
But he was also well aware of how enormous and excessive such a desire was.
"... I know we should get up and clean up, but I don't want to move."
Then, a whisper, as though reading Yuder's thoughts, reached his ears. As he slightly turned his head, Kishiar, with his eyes narrowed like a sated beast, half buried his face in Yuder's shoulder and let out a smile. His disheveled hair dampened by sweat couldn't conceal his beauty. The man, who was openly exuding a tremoring scent and satisfactory joy, felt like the summer sun that held all life on earth in his sway.
"Sorry, but would it be alright if we stayed like this for just a little while longer?"
Yuder nodded lightly in response. With a smile, Kishiar pressed his lips lightly once again to the lower part of Yuder's neck.
"I know it might sound funny to say this, but it feels like I've finally come to realize that you're alive, right here in front of me."
"… I apologize for causing so much trouble because of my eyes."
"It's not just because of your eyes... well, that too, but..."
As Kishiar tried to deny something then stopped, a curious glance was sent his way. A moment later, the reply came.
"More accurately, it's because of the illusion."
There was only one thing that could be associated with the word illusion. Yuder's once languid senses contracted sharply and he forced his eyes open.
"... You mean my illusion?"
Kishiar didn't answer. His silence was affirmation.
Yuder remembered the time when Kishiar had rushed out alone to confront Nahan. Then, Kishiar had said he saw Yuder in the illusion, but he had not gone into detail. There had been no mention of it since, so he thought it was quickly forgotten, but it seemed that wasn't the case.
"I had no idea... that you were still concerned about that."
"I didn't plan on dwelling on it either. But it seems it's not as easy to put out of mind as one would hope."
"Did I attack you in the illusion?"
"What? No."
Kishiar gave a small shake of his shoulders as he laughed.
"If that was the case, I wouldn't have been worrying about it for so long. It would have been just ridiculous."
A pain shot through Yuder's chest. The tone of his voice seemed to suggest it was something that could never happen, and Yuder was left without a response.
Even though it hadn't happened yet, at least in Yuder's memories, the event existed clearly. He had no intention of repeating such an act in this life, but since the memory did not disappear from within him, Yuder kept his silence.
"I heard that his illusion is based on the thoughts in the mind of the recipient, is that correct?"
"Yes."
Recalling the report he'd given previously and the subsequent encounters with Nahan, Yuder responded briefly.
"So that's the strange part. What I saw was a scene I had neither imagined nor ever seen before."
"What on earth did you see to make you so?"
"I saw you in my clothes. To be precise... you wore the Commander uniform."
A huge shock hit him at once. If Kishiar had said he saw Yuder dying or severely injured, he might not have been so surprised. But Yuder, clad in the Commander uniform?
Wasn't that the figure of Yudrain Aile, the Cavalry Commander from his previous life?
Kishiar, seeing Yuder's greatly shaken eyes, quickly added an explanation.
"Just to be clear, I have never once thought that my assistant is vying for the position of Cavalry Commander. If you wanted to, you would have accepted the Deputy Commander position when I offered it to you before."
Kishiar laughed, saying it was only natural considering how long it took to convince him to accept the created assistant position, but Yuder could not laugh back. His mind was colder than ever.
He had to think calmly. He didn't want to arouse Kishiar's suspicion by appearing overly shocked. If he had merely seen a vision of himself dressed in the Commander's uniform, he couldn't definitively conclude that he was entirely his previous self.
"... So, did you only see me wearing the Commander's uniform? Or did I do anything else?"
"Just that."
Kishiar, having responded, added after a moment.
"Upon reflection, the most likely guess would be that, perhaps after going through a possibly fatal situation, my anxious mind reflected in such a way."
"I... I don't see the connection."
"Hmm... I need to explain how much of a self-conceited coward I was... but I can't delay cleaning up any longer. Let's continue the talk as we get cleaned."
Looking at Yuder's seriously furrowed brow, Kishiar squinted gently. Like a beast stretching, he reached out for the small water pitcher on the table and began to clean them. He poured water over a handkerchief he had taken out of his pocket, dampening it. His movements, as he cleaned the two of them, were incredibly smooth as if performing a completely natural task. Yuder had to awkwardly accept his touch, having missed the opportunity to say that he would do it himself.
"I told you before. I quite like breaking down walls."
As he finished cleaning his own hands, the man lifted Yuder's wrist, diligently wiping between each finger while mumbling.
"But that's only when there's a wall to break. If there's nothing there, I can't do anything at all. And I was full of arrogance, thinking that wall would never disappear. Because that wall was so strong, it wouldn't allow anyone's approach."
As he continued to clean Yuder's fingers, Kishiar kept talking, his gaze fixed on his task.
"But this time, I've realized something. Even when I was full of arrogance, that wall could suddenly disappear. And if it did, I would be standing forever in its place, unable to do anything, falling into despair."
"..."
"The essence of composure comes from certainty. When certainty shakes, no amount of composure can stand. So I would have wanted to hold onto you. I would have wanted to rebuild the certainty that, no matter what happened, you would not disappear from my side."
As he finished wiping Yuder's last finger, the man who mumbled indifferently as if he was analyzing someone else didn't let go of the hand he held. His red gaze traced over Yuder's rough fingertips.
"In other words... I was suddenly afraid. Being afraid means feeling fear, and it's not strange that my fantasy capitalized on that fear and manifested in a distorted form. In fact, I was quite taken with it there."
Yuder, whose words were abruptly and strangely interrupted, looked up to see the man holding his own hand with elegance and smiling self-mockingly.
"...Taken with it, you say?"
"Yes."
"You mean it wasn't fear?"
"It was shocking and strange, but not frightening. Just, well... I couldn't take my eyes off it. Even knowing it was a fantasy, I thought it would be good if I could hold onto it, even if it meant giving up my seat to you."
Kishiar pulled Yuder's hand towards him and kissed him.
"Tell me anytime if you want to try."
"I don't."
"Even if I say I'll grant you whatever you want?"
"What I want is for you never to say such things again."
"Indeed, you're relentless. You did look good in white."
Looked good? Yuder had worn that uniform for a long time but had never once thought that.
"Don't even suggest I try it on as a joke. I really don't like it."
At the end of his serious remark, Kishiar replied, "I understand," laughing. His movement of softly rubbing his nose against the back of Yuder's hand and deeply inhaling conveyed a tingling sensation.
"Your scent has gotten stronger. Can you feel it?"
"...I can only feel your scent."
"They say you usually can't smell your own scent. But it's very strong now."
Yuder was caught in a strange mood. It was almost the first time someone had told him about his own scent.
'...Right. This time, I'm an omega with a scent.'
Yuder realized anew that he too could emit a scent, just as much as it emanated from Kishiar.
'It's different from before.'
So let's not think too deeply. The fantasy that Kishiar saw was not Yudrain. He hadn't said so himself.
Yuder wanted to feel relieved, but a part of his mind couldn't shake off the chill.
'Really?'
Was it just that?
Was the fantasy of Yuder Aile in the white uniform merely a twisted manifestation of fear derived from Kishiar's desire to hold onto him?
It was unknown. Yuder wiped his sweaty forehead and slowly got up. Only then did he see the surrounding devastation that had been out of sight while lying down. The expensive liquor-filled glass was rolling on the carpet, horribly soaking it, and the soft, cloth-covered sofa was a complete mess after their intense activities on it.
