Yuder tried to ask cautiously, hiding his tension as best as he could, but he couldn't tell if he had succeeded. Kishiar's gaze seemed to blur for a moment. The man who appeared to be recollecting distant memories soon lightly shook his head.
"It wasn't a pleasant dream, that's for sure... but I can't remember anymore. Was my condition that alarming for my assistant to be so concerned?"
It wasn't merely a matter of looking unwell.
If he had heard correctly, Kishiar had called out a certain name.
A name that no longer existed, a name that had died and vanished.
Even if it was a slurred whisper spoken in a drowsy state, there was no way Yuder wouldn't recognize that name.
"In your sleep, you spoke to me... Don't you remember that?"
"Spoke?"
Kishiar closed and opened his eyes, slightly furrowing his brows.
"...Nothing comes to mind. May I ask what I said?"
'Does he truly not remember?'
Yuder scrutinized Kishiar's face for a long while, knowing there was no particular reason for him to lie. Kishiar, in return, seemed to be evaluating Yuder intently with fully awake eyes.
The emotions flickering in those eyes were just as calm and clear as ever, filled with curiosity and a deep, cautious concern directed at Yuder.
And so, Yuder finally became certain.
'...He truly doesn't remember.'
Kishiar had genuinely forgotten what he had just dreamt. Only after confirming this several times did Yuder feel the tension within his eyes relax. He pondered intensely for a brief moment whether to answer Kishiar's question, all while trying to suppress his own surprise and shock.
Even if he doesn't remember now, might mentioning it trigger something?
What would happen next?
A shapeless, dark shadow seemed to writhe in his gut. He wanted to escape all of this immediately, yet the moment he met Kishiar’s deep, cautious gaze, he had no choice but to accept a certain truth.
Even in a moment where profound confusion clawed at his heart, the flame of desire within Yuder hadn't diminished in the slightest.
If Kishiar wanted to know, then he had to tell him.
Feeling his heart race uncontrollably, Yuder slowly opened his mouth to speak.
"'No, Yudrain...' That’s what you said."
Kishiar's brows furrowed a few times before returning to normal.
"Even hearing it... I still don't remember."
His eyes were, once again, speaking the truth.
Feeling his heartbeat slow down, Yuder took a deep breath.
He lowered his eyes and inhaled slowly, counting to one before exhaling, repeating the cycle a few times. Gradually, warmth returned to his cold hands.
It was a short period, almost imperceptible, but enough for him to regain his composure. Ironically, it was the simplest calming technique that Kishiar had taught him in a previous life. He had forgotten about it until now, not having had the need for it, but in this moment, it naturally came to mind.
Only then did Yuder realize he was still seated next to Kishiar. He leaned on the armrest of his chair to get up, and Kishiar's gaze followed his every move.
"You seem far worse than I do. Are you sure nothing happened outside? What about Kanna?"
"Nothing happened."
His voice sounded far more stable than before. Yuder found relief in this fact and added further explanation.
"Kanna is staying there tonight, thanks to Hellem's hospitality. She'll be back tomorrow."
"Judging by the smell of alcohol, I suppose you've been drinking."
"...Yes."
Kishiar replied as if it was plainly obvious, though he wasn't intoxicated, and his clothes weren't damp from any drink. His sense of smell must have been keen.
Yuder briefly explained what he had done there. Kishiar's expression remained unchanged, just as it had been a few hours ago when Yuder last saw him.
A familiar sight. A familiar face.
And superimposed upon it, another man with the same face, his eyes carrying the weariness and pallor of illness.
The moment Yuder thought of him, all efforts to calm himself seemed worthless. Once again, he recalled the voice that used to murmur a name now buried and forgotten.
'No, Yudrain...'
Even if one doesn't remember, it's not an ordinary thing. How could Kishiar even mention a name he should know nothing about?
The eerie possibility that he, too, saw his past life through dreams seemed somewhat plausible, though he didn't remember upon waking.
Then why Kishiar of all people?
He wasn't someone who had turned back time like Yuder. Yet, if he was seeing his past life through dreams, there must be a reason. Amid his fervent search for that reason, a word suddenly popped into Yuder's mind.
'Connection.'
Kishiar once mentioned that he felt and saw a thin thread-like strange connection when he tried to find Yuder battling the massive Pethuamet. Following that thread led him to Yuder—a scarcely believable experience that had also appeared to Yuder not long ago.
A single glowing link that appeared for a moment when Yuder was desperately searching for Kishiar in the darkness.
Though he had never seen it in his past life, he felt 'connected' to Kishiar at that moment. This started after the accident that happened on the day of his second gender manifestation.
Many memories related to that day had been forgotten until they slowly started to resurface. At that time, Yuder had felt so intermingled with Kishiar's emotions that it was difficult to distinguish between the two. It was a horrifying sensation in some respects.
However, after Kishiar died, Yuder never felt that sensation again. According to the last dream he had, it seemed like Kishiar had somehow discerned the nature of that 'connection' and hinted at a possible solution.
The connection severed after his death. And then something again connected them in this life, thread-like.
Though he believed the two to be different, they were alike in that both connected Yuder and Kishiar.
'Could this inexplicable thread be influencing Kishiar?'
If emotions could mix, why not memories? The idea that Kishiar might be influenced by Yuder's memories seemed a better explanation than the notion that only Kishiar dreamt of a past life.
'But nothing happened during the second gender manifestation this time, so where did this connection even start?'
Wasn't the connection from the previous life already severed long ago?
Could it be restored by coming back to a time when Kishiar was alive? Was that even possible?
Why did this thread exist between them in the first place?
Despite knowing that pondering wouldn't provide a logical answer, Yuder couldn't stop his thoughts. And Kishiar, too, noticed once more that Yuder's gaze was directed at him.
"…Yuder."
Yuder snapped to attention.
"I'm sure you're tired, coming all the way here and delivering your report so late at night. I apologize for causing you additional worry."
"No, it's fine."
Kishiar seemed to assume that Yuder's reaction was mostly due to an excessive concern directed at him.
"Tomorrow is going to be even busier than today, so you should get some rest soon. I received a message from His Majesty during your absence. Judging by the timing, it seems he sent it right after waking up."
Upon hearing that, Yuder's gaze reflexively shifted to the table. Until he heard the shocking name from Kishiar's lips, his nerves had been on edge with all sorts of speculations about Kishiar's strange dream and its connection to the Emperor's letter. But now, he felt somewhat relieved.
"Did His Majesty issue an order for a quick return?"
"No."
Kishiar looked down at the letter, his expression displaying a deeper smile than usual.
"The message is succinct. First, it informs us that the investigators dispatched to look into Baron Willhem and the illegal auction will arrive here soon. Secondly, it orders that the Cavalry members active in the west must return to the capital on the same day."
It sounded like a formal message that belied any notion that it was sent by someone who had just collapsed. However, Yuder soon realized that wasn't all there was to it.
"The Cavalry members must return to the capital on the same day, meaning…"
"In other words, regardless of any previous messages we've received, we're supposed to finish all our duties here and return at our leisure. Just make sure nothing changes the schedule," Kishiar concluded, confirming Yuder's own thoughts.
The letter was cold and impersonal, urging a sibling to focus only on work, even while knowing that death was drawing near. Though one might interpret it as a letter implying "I've woken up safely, so don't worry," the undercurrent of bitterness was undeniable.
It was clear that Emperor Keilusa had anticipated his brother's inclination to rush back and sent such a letter preemptively.
Cold pragmatism, which sometimes brought comfort to others, did not always do so. At least, when looking at the subtle but noticeably cooler expression on Kishiar's face since waking up, it was clear the letter had not only brought relief.
Yuder broke the silence. "Commander, will you follow His Majesty's orders?"
"I've received them, so I'll have to obey. However, complying with all procedures will take time, so we'll need to find a way to speed that up."
Kishiar didn't seem content to just obediently follow the orders. His statement that tomorrow would be busier than today appeared to have been made with that in mind.
Kishiar folded up the letter that had been lying open on the table and put it back into its envelope. As he tossed the letter into the magic stove to burn it, Yuder pondered about Emperor Keilusa.
In his previous life, he had not known much about the last Emperor of the previous imperial line, but he seemed to be a more calculated and planned individual than Yuder had expected. To prioritize scheduled matters and firmly push away the concerns of those around him, even while feeling the approach of his own death, was no ordinary composure.
And that quality surprisingly reminded him of Kishiar from his past life.
Standing side by side, the Emperor and Kishiar had atmospheres that were complete opposites. However, as brothers who shared the same blood, it was natural for them to have many similarities. Raised in the same place, spending the same amount of time together, and working towards the same goals, it wasn't surprising that their actions felt similar.
Could he then understand the Kishiar of his past life through what he felt from Keilusa?
'...No matter what I do, I can't seem to get my mind off of him.'
His thoughts circled endlessly around Kishiar, to the point where he couldn't help but give a bitter chuckle at his own preoccupation.
In the meantime, having confirmed that the letter had turned to ash, Kishiar stood up and headed towards the bed. It seemed he assumed there would be no more conversation for the night and was preparing to sleep.
The night had deepened, edging closer to dawn. Given that it had been a long day full of activities, and news had even come that the Emperor had collapsed and then awakened, it probably wasn't wise to press further about the nightmare just yet.
Yuder tried to ask cautiously, hiding his tension as best as he could, but he couldn't tell if he had succeeded. Kishiar's gaze seemed to blur for a moment. The man who appeared to be recollecting distant memories soon lightly shook his head.
"It wasn't a pleasant dream, that's for sure... but I can't remember anymore. Was my condition that alarming for my assistant to be so concerned?"
It wasn't merely a matter of looking unwell.
If he had heard correctly, Kishiar had called out a certain name.
A name that no longer existed, a name that had died and vanished.
Even if it was a slurred whisper spoken in a drowsy state, there was no way Yuder wouldn't recognize that name.
"In your sleep, you spoke to me... Don't you remember that?"
"Spoke?"
Kishiar closed and opened his eyes, slightly furrowing his brows.
"...Nothing comes to mind. May I ask what I said?"
'Does he truly not remember?'
Yuder scrutinized Kishiar's face for a long while, knowing there was no particular reason for him to lie. Kishiar, in return, seemed to be evaluating Yuder intently with fully awake eyes.
The emotions flickering in those eyes were just as calm and clear as ever, filled with curiosity and a deep, cautious concern directed at Yuder.
And so, Yuder finally became certain.
'...He truly doesn't remember.'
Kishiar had genuinely forgotten what he had just dreamt. Only after confirming this several times did Yuder feel the tension within his eyes relax. He pondered intensely for a brief moment whether to answer Kishiar's question, all while trying to suppress his own surprise and shock.
Even if he doesn't remember now, might mentioning it trigger something?
What would happen next?
A shapeless, dark shadow seemed to writhe in his gut. He wanted to escape all of this immediately, yet the moment he met Kishiar’s deep, cautious gaze, he had no choice but to accept a certain truth.
Even in a moment where profound confusion clawed at his heart, the flame of desire within Yuder hadn't diminished in the slightest.
If Kishiar wanted to know, then he had to tell him.
Feeling his heart race uncontrollably, Yuder slowly opened his mouth to speak.
"'No, Yudrain...' That’s what you said."
Kishiar's brows furrowed a few times before returning to normal.
"Even hearing it... I still don't remember."
His eyes were, once again, speaking the truth.
Feeling his heartbeat slow down, Yuder took a deep breath.
He lowered his eyes and inhaled slowly, counting to one before exhaling, repeating the cycle a few times. Gradually, warmth returned to his cold hands.
It was a short period, almost imperceptible, but enough for him to regain his composure. Ironically, it was the simplest calming technique that Kishiar had taught him in a previous life. He had forgotten about it until now, not having had the need for it, but in this moment, it naturally came to mind.
Only then did Yuder realize he was still seated next to Kishiar. He leaned on the armrest of his chair to get up, and Kishiar's gaze followed his every move.
"You seem far worse than I do. Are you sure nothing happened outside? What about Kanna?"
"Nothing happened."
His voice sounded far more stable than before. Yuder found relief in this fact and added further explanation.
"Kanna is staying there tonight, thanks to Hellem's hospitality. She'll be back tomorrow."
"Judging by the smell of alcohol, I suppose you've been drinking."
"...Yes."
Kishiar replied as if it was plainly obvious, though he wasn't intoxicated, and his clothes weren't damp from any drink. His sense of smell must have been keen.
Yuder briefly explained what he had done there. Kishiar's expression remained unchanged, just as it had been a few hours ago when Yuder last saw him.
A familiar sight. A familiar face.
And superimposed upon it, another man with the same face, his eyes carrying the weariness and pallor of illness.
The moment Yuder thought of him, all efforts to calm himself seemed worthless. Once again, he recalled the voice that used to murmur a name now buried and forgotten.
'No, Yudrain...'
Even if one doesn't remember, it's not an ordinary thing. How could Kishiar even mention a name he should know nothing about?
The eerie possibility that he, too, saw his past life through dreams seemed somewhat plausible, though he didn't remember upon waking.
Then why Kishiar of all people?
He wasn't someone who had turned back time like Yuder. Yet, if he was seeing his past life through dreams, there must be a reason. Amid his fervent search for that reason, a word suddenly popped into Yuder's mind.
'Connection.'
Kishiar once mentioned that he felt and saw a thin thread-like strange connection when he tried to find Yuder battling the massive Pethuamet. Following that thread led him to Yuder—a scarcely believable experience that had also appeared to Yuder not long ago.
A single glowing link that appeared for a moment when Yuder was desperately searching for Kishiar in the darkness.
Though he had never seen it in his past life, he felt 'connected' to Kishiar at that moment. This started after the accident that happened on the day of his second gender manifestation.
Many memories related to that day had been forgotten until they slowly started to resurface. At that time, Yuder had felt so intermingled with Kishiar's emotions that it was difficult to distinguish between the two. It was a horrifying sensation in some respects.
However, after Kishiar died, Yuder never felt that sensation again. According to the last dream he had, it seemed like Kishiar had somehow discerned the nature of that 'connection' and hinted at a possible solution.
The connection severed after his death. And then something again connected them in this life, thread-like.
Though he believed the two to be different, they were alike in that both connected Yuder and Kishiar.
'Could this inexplicable thread be influencing Kishiar?'
If emotions could mix, why not memories? The idea that Kishiar might be influenced by Yuder's memories seemed a better explanation than the notion that only Kishiar dreamt of a past life.
'But nothing happened during the second gender manifestation this time, so where did this connection even start?'
Wasn't the connection from the previous life already severed long ago?
Could it be restored by coming back to a time when Kishiar was alive? Was that even possible?
Why did this thread exist between them in the first place?
Despite knowing that pondering wouldn't provide a logical answer, Yuder couldn't stop his thoughts. And Kishiar, too, noticed once more that Yuder's gaze was directed at him.
"…Yuder."
Yuder snapped to attention.
"I'm sure you're tired, coming all the way here and delivering your report so late at night. I apologize for causing you additional worry."
"No, it's fine."
Kishiar seemed to assume that Yuder's reaction was mostly due to an excessive concern directed at him.
"Tomorrow is going to be even busier than today, so you should get some rest soon. I received a message from His Majesty during your absence. Judging by the timing, it seems he sent it right after waking up."
Upon hearing that, Yuder's gaze reflexively shifted to the table. Until he heard the shocking name from Kishiar's lips, his nerves had been on edge with all sorts of speculations about Kishiar's strange dream and its connection to the Emperor's letter. But now, he felt somewhat relieved.
"Did His Majesty issue an order for a quick return?"
"No."
Kishiar looked down at the letter, his expression displaying a deeper smile than usual.
"The message is succinct. First, it informs us that the investigators dispatched to look into Baron Willhem and the illegal auction will arrive here soon. Secondly, it orders that the Cavalry members active in the west must return to the capital on the same day."
It sounded like a formal message that belied any notion that it was sent by someone who had just collapsed. However, Yuder soon realized that wasn't all there was to it.
"The Cavalry members must return to the capital on the same day, meaning…"
"In other words, regardless of any previous messages we've received, we're supposed to finish all our duties here and return at our leisure. Just make sure nothing changes the schedule," Kishiar concluded, confirming Yuder's own thoughts.
The letter was cold and impersonal, urging a sibling to focus only on work, even while knowing that death was drawing near. Though one might interpret it as a letter implying "I've woken up safely, so don't worry," the undercurrent of bitterness was undeniable.
It was clear that Emperor Keilusa had anticipated his brother's inclination to rush back and sent such a letter preemptively.
Cold pragmatism, which sometimes brought comfort to others, did not always do so. At least, when looking at the subtle but noticeably cooler expression on Kishiar's face since waking up, it was clear the letter had not only brought relief.
Yuder broke the silence. "Commander, will you follow His Majesty's orders?"
"I've received them, so I'll have to obey. However, complying with all procedures will take time, so we'll need to find a way to speed that up."
Kishiar didn't seem content to just obediently follow the orders. His statement that tomorrow would be busier than today appeared to have been made with that in mind.
Kishiar folded up the letter that had been lying open on the table and put it back into its envelope. As he tossed the letter into the magic stove to burn it, Yuder pondered about Emperor Keilusa.
In his previous life, he had not known much about the last Emperor of the previous imperial line, but he seemed to be a more calculated and planned individual than Yuder had expected. To prioritize scheduled matters and firmly push away the concerns of those around him, even while feeling the approach of his own death, was no ordinary composure.
And that quality surprisingly reminded him of Kishiar from his past life.
Standing side by side, the Emperor and Kishiar had atmospheres that were complete opposites. However, as brothers who shared the same blood, it was natural for them to have many similarities. Raised in the same place, spending the same amount of time together, and working towards the same goals, it wasn't surprising that their actions felt similar.
Could he then understand the Kishiar of his past life through what he felt from Keilusa?
'...No matter what I do, I can't seem to get my mind off of him.'
His thoughts circled endlessly around Kishiar, to the point where he couldn't help but give a bitter chuckle at his own preoccupation.
In the meantime, having confirmed that the letter had turned to ash, Kishiar stood up and headed towards the bed. It seemed he assumed there would be no more conversation for the night and was preparing to sleep.
The night had deepened, edging closer to dawn. Given that it had been a long day full of activities, and news had even come that the Emperor had collapsed and then awakened, it probably wasn't wise to press further about the nightmare just yet.
