Gakane often said that Yuder had shared his light with him, but the truth was that Yuder hadn't helped him out of any extraordinary benevolence. It was merely his first attempt to take a different path from his previous life, and the presence of past experiences and memories gave him a bit more certainty in his decision. That was all there was to it.
'And yet...'
Yuder glanced at his loosely held hand, collected his thoughts, and opened his mouth.
He wasn't gifted in offering comforting words, so he felt he should take another approach.
"Gakane, I didn't help you out of some grand intention, contrary to what you think."
"I know. To you, there's no great difference between helping Kanna and the others, and helping me."
"No, what I want to say is that my being strong and my personality are two different issues."
Yuder replied firmly, locking eyes with him.
"I'm someone who doesn't care what others say as long as it doesn't interfere with what I have to do. It's not because I'm strong; I've been like this even before my Awakening. I've suffered losses due to this trait, but it hasn't changed and probably never will."
He had even faced execution due to this personality. A fact Gakane was likely unaware of.
"..."
"This isn't strength. It's just having an incredibly stubborn and unpleasant personality. If you were like me, I think it would be difficult for us to get along."
Gakane Bolunwald, being stubborn and having an unpleasant personality, was an unimaginable combination.
"You say you're embarrassed for not being of any help and about your past. But if we're measuring shame, shouldn't I be the more ashamed one? I nearly ruined the party's atmosphere, and one person even fainted and had to be carried away."
"That's not...”
"Yet, I'm not particularly ashamed. I did what I wanted to do, and if I could go back, I would do it again."
Upon hearing Yuder's unsettlingly calm words, Gakane blinked a few times.
"Think about it. If you could go back in time to earlier, wouldn't you still come forward to help me, surrounded as I was?"
"..."
Gakane, who had said he was embarrassed for stepping in even though he knew Yuder could handle it himself, couldn't readily answer. Yuder felt a faint strength enter the fingers of the hand Gakane was holding and asked again.
"So, what will it be?"
"If I could go back to earlier, I think I would still step forward to help you. But... I wouldn't be as foolish as I was. Like that gentleman earlier, I would try to do it more... skillfully."
The words that finally came from Gakane were not unexpected for Yuder. He was a person of such nature: considerate, attentive, and in some ways, inexhaustibly persevering.
There was no need for someone already endowed with his own strengths to become just like Yuder.
Yuder nodded and the corners of his lips faintly rose.
"Good. Then do it like that next time."
"Next time?"
"It doesn't seem like these kinds of situations will end with this one event."
"Do you think I could step forward again, even after what happened today?"
"Why wouldn't you be able to? I do as I please, so you can do as you please too."
"What are you saying? You told me not to intervene earlier."
Gakane furrowed his brows, his expression hovering between a smile and a frown.
"I did say not to intervene, but I also thanked you for doing so, didn't I?"
Yuder replied brazenly, then added a moment later.
"I've lived alone for a long time, unlike you, and I'm used to taking initiative on my own. When I told you and the others to stay back earlier, it was not only because I was confident I could handle it alone, but that was also a big part of it."
Yuder was accustomed to thrusting himself to the front lines when facing enemies, leaving others behind. Solving problems himself was not only quicker and more reassuring, but also due in part to his lack of trust in others.
This trait was even exhibited when playing games. One of the phrases that Kishiar had repeatedly said while teaching him strategy games in his previous life was to stop relying solely on one tactic against opponents.
So naturally, he thought it best to throw himself into the fray alone this time as well, facing off against Duke Diarca and Baron Durmand.
However, when Gakane disregarded his silent command to stay back, and when Pruelle intervened, followed by Priscilla's aid, and finally when a throng of Cavalry members arrived, Yuder felt something different than before.
Objectively, the situation hadn't particularly benefited him, but the enthusiasm of the people that had gathered felt like some sort of protective shield around him. It was a sense of responsibility he hadn't felt when facing multiple enemies alone, a suddenly clarified reality, and a certain fervent energy that circled his fingertips before dissipating.
"I told you earlier, I don't care what others say. I'm going to thank you anyway, and I already forgot what the unconscious guy said. If you're bothered by his words, I am prepared to threaten him to keep his mouth shut until he dies."
Gakane's eyelids trembled slightly, knowing full well that Yuder could indeed do so.
"Why... would you go so far? Do you pity me?"
"Do you really see me as someone who would go that far just because I find someone pitiable, even after our conversation?"
"Then?"
Gakane Bolunwald was an irreplaceable Cavalry member and a colleague. But that reason didn't seem persuasive enough for him at this moment. He wanted something different, something that wouldn't apply to other colleagues like Kanna or Ever.
Yuder closed his mouth for a moment and then opened it again.
"When I first came to the capital for the Cavalry recruitment test."
What he finally dredged up was a vague, very old memory from his past life.
"To be honest, I didn't have a good first impression of the capital. It was a bit scary, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was planning to just take the exam and leave if I failed."
Gakane blinked awkwardly. The Yuder he knew now had changed since then, making it difficult to understand, but it was true.
"I know that I'm not someone people easily approach. I'm not sociable, and my personality isn't exactly winning. Most people who meet me for the first time find me intimidating or unpleasant."
"..."
"But you spoke to me without hesitation, didn't you?"
There aren't many people who can speak to Yuder without hesitation upon a first meeting even now. Although the Yuder of his past life had brushed off Gakane's friendly approach, the fact that it remained in some corner of his mind even after death and resurrection indicated that it had left a significant impression.
And also, the meaningless death of Gakane, who had shown such effortless kindness.
The conversation he had with him at that time was, from Yuder’s perspective, a conversation with another person after a very long time.
Based on his previous life, it was a conversation with a peer stranger after several years, and in this life, it was the first proper conversation Yuder had since coming back from the dead.
Yuder looked at Gakane, who seemed lost in thought, and spoke.
"I'm glad the person I talked to at that time was you. That's all."
Gakane remained silent for a while. When he finally spoke, there was a slight flush around his eyes.
"…Does that mean you consider me a good friend as well, Yuder?"
Instead of replying, Yuder simply nodded.
Suddenly, a strange feeling crept in, oddly stirring his insides.
Back then, he had no idea that Gakane would become such an important and close comrade, nor did he foresee doing something he'd never done before—comforting another—for the sake of Gakane, even after achieving his initial goal of saving him.
'I probably wouldn't have kept hearing such words in the first place.'
From the moment he decided to save Gakane right after coming back to life, up to now, many things had happened. Yuder had always been focused on the changes in others, but for the first time, he partially realized that there had been changes in himself too, excluding areas related to Kishiar.
Odd as it was, the feeling wasn't unpleasant.
"Gakane. I'm not good with words, so I don't know what to say, but I know one thing. Whatever happened today won't affect your growing skills or the things you'll be capable of doing in the future. Just remember that."
Whatever rumors Baron Durmand spread about Gakane, whether he was born into a fallen noble family or had tried to sell his honor—none of it had any bearing on what he had achieved so far. The future would be no different.
"…Understood. Thank you."
With Gakane's brief response, the conversation came to an end.
Gakane often said that Yuder had shared his light with him, but the truth was that Yuder hadn't helped him out of any extraordinary benevolence. It was merely his first attempt to take a different path from his previous life, and the presence of past experiences and memories gave him a bit more certainty in his decision. That was all there was to it.
'And yet...'
Yuder glanced at his loosely held hand, collected his thoughts, and opened his mouth.
He wasn't gifted in offering comforting words, so he felt he should take another approach.
"Gakane, I didn't help you out of some grand intention, contrary to what you think."
"I know. To you, there's no great difference between helping Kanna and the others, and helping me."
"No, what I want to say is that my being strong and my personality are two different issues."
Yuder replied firmly, locking eyes with him.
"I'm someone who doesn't care what others say as long as it doesn't interfere with what I have to do. It's not because I'm strong; I've been like this even before my Awakening. I've suffered losses due to this trait, but it hasn't changed and probably never will."
He had even faced execution due to this personality. A fact Gakane was likely unaware of.
"..."
"This isn't strength. It's just having an incredibly stubborn and unpleasant personality. If you were like me, I think it would be difficult for us to get along."
Gakane Bolunwald, being stubborn and having an unpleasant personality, was an unimaginable combination.
"You say you're embarrassed for not being of any help and about your past. But if we're measuring shame, shouldn't I be the more ashamed one? I nearly ruined the party's atmosphere, and one person even fainted and had to be carried away."
"That's not...”
"Yet, I'm not particularly ashamed. I did what I wanted to do, and if I could go back, I would do it again."
Upon hearing Yuder's unsettlingly calm words, Gakane blinked a few times.
"Think about it. If you could go back in time to earlier, wouldn't you still come forward to help me, surrounded as I was?"
"..."
Gakane, who had said he was embarrassed for stepping in even though he knew Yuder could handle it himself, couldn't readily answer. Yuder felt a faint strength enter the fingers of the hand Gakane was holding and asked again.
"So, what will it be?"
"If I could go back to earlier, I think I would still step forward to help you. But... I wouldn't be as foolish as I was. Like that gentleman earlier, I would try to do it more... skillfully."
The words that finally came from Gakane were not unexpected for Yuder. He was a person of such nature: considerate, attentive, and in some ways, inexhaustibly persevering.
There was no need for someone already endowed with his own strengths to become just like Yuder.
Yuder nodded and the corners of his lips faintly rose.
"Good. Then do it like that next time."
"Next time?"
"It doesn't seem like these kinds of situations will end with this one event."
"Do you think I could step forward again, even after what happened today?"
"Why wouldn't you be able to? I do as I please, so you can do as you please too."
"What are you saying? You told me not to intervene earlier."
Gakane furrowed his brows, his expression hovering between a smile and a frown.
"I did say not to intervene, but I also thanked you for doing so, didn't I?"
Yuder replied brazenly, then added a moment later.
"I've lived alone for a long time, unlike you, and I'm used to taking initiative on my own. When I told you and the others to stay back earlier, it was not only because I was confident I could handle it alone, but that was also a big part of it."
Yuder was accustomed to thrusting himself to the front lines when facing enemies, leaving others behind. Solving problems himself was not only quicker and more reassuring, but also due in part to his lack of trust in others.
This trait was even exhibited when playing games. One of the phrases that Kishiar had repeatedly said while teaching him strategy games in his previous life was to stop relying solely on one tactic against opponents.
So naturally, he thought it best to throw himself into the fray alone this time as well, facing off against Duke Diarca and Baron Durmand.
However, when Gakane disregarded his silent command to stay back, and when Pruelle intervened, followed by Priscilla's aid, and finally when a throng of Cavalry members arrived, Yuder felt something different than before.
Objectively, the situation hadn't particularly benefited him, but the enthusiasm of the people that had gathered felt like some sort of protective shield around him. It was a sense of responsibility he hadn't felt when facing multiple enemies alone, a suddenly clarified reality, and a certain fervent energy that circled his fingertips before dissipating.
"I told you earlier, I don't care what others say. I'm going to thank you anyway, and I already forgot what the unconscious guy said. If you're bothered by his words, I am prepared to threaten him to keep his mouth shut until he dies."
Gakane's eyelids trembled slightly, knowing full well that Yuder could indeed do so.
"Why... would you go so far? Do you pity me?"
"Do you really see me as someone who would go that far just because I find someone pitiable, even after our conversation?"
"Then?"
Gakane Bolunwald was an irreplaceable Cavalry member and a colleague. But that reason didn't seem persuasive enough for him at this moment. He wanted something different, something that wouldn't apply to other colleagues like Kanna or Ever.
Yuder closed his mouth for a moment and then opened it again.
"When I first came to the capital for the Cavalry recruitment test."
What he finally dredged up was a vague, very old memory from his past life.
"To be honest, I didn't have a good first impression of the capital. It was a bit scary, and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was planning to just take the exam and leave if I failed."
Gakane blinked awkwardly. The Yuder he knew now had changed since then, making it difficult to understand, but it was true.
"I know that I'm not someone people easily approach. I'm not sociable, and my personality isn't exactly winning. Most people who meet me for the first time find me intimidating or unpleasant."
"..."
"But you spoke to me without hesitation, didn't you?"
There aren't many people who can speak to Yuder without hesitation upon a first meeting even now. Although the Yuder of his past life had brushed off Gakane's friendly approach, the fact that it remained in some corner of his mind even after death and resurrection indicated that it had left a significant impression.
And also, the meaningless death of Gakane, who had shown such effortless kindness.
The conversation he had with him at that time was, from Yuder’s perspective, a conversation with another person after a very long time.
Based on his previous life, it was a conversation with a peer stranger after several years, and in this life, it was the first proper conversation Yuder had since coming back from the dead.
Yuder looked at Gakane, who seemed lost in thought, and spoke.
"I'm glad the person I talked to at that time was you. That's all."
Gakane remained silent for a while. When he finally spoke, there was a slight flush around his eyes.
"…Does that mean you consider me a good friend as well, Yuder?"
Instead of replying, Yuder simply nodded.
Suddenly, a strange feeling crept in, oddly stirring his insides.
Back then, he had no idea that Gakane would become such an important and close comrade, nor did he foresee doing something he'd never done before—comforting another—for the sake of Gakane, even after achieving his initial goal of saving him.
'I probably wouldn't have kept hearing such words in the first place.'
From the moment he decided to save Gakane right after coming back to life, up to now, many things had happened. Yuder had always been focused on the changes in others, but for the first time, he partially realized that there had been changes in himself too, excluding areas related to Kishiar.
Odd as it was, the feeling wasn't unpleasant.
"Gakane. I'm not good with words, so I don't know what to say, but I know one thing. Whatever happened today won't affect your growing skills or the things you'll be capable of doing in the future. Just remember that."
Whatever rumors Baron Durmand spread about Gakane, whether he was born into a fallen noble family or had tried to sell his honor—none of it had any bearing on what he had achieved so far. The future would be no different.
"…Understood. Thank you."
With Gakane's brief response, the conversation came to an end.
