He watched for a few minutes longer, observing, soaking in the sight of a Greater beast spawning more of itself to go forth one day and feast on the unprepared or unwary that traveled Varda's wild places. No good idea came to him other than the first one: Kill it with fire. But how?
Lightning was great for a very localized fuck this guy in particular kind of magic but that down there was going to require a broader stroke to do the job. Now that he'd seen what awaited, he was going to go ahead and veto the whole new spell idea.
Unless it was an absolute humdinger.
Whatever he did here had to work the first time, there would be no second chances. Similarly, there was no way he'd even consider trying to fight those monsters heads up, they'd probably eat him alive and everybody else on this little plateau. The only reason they hadn't already was that the floral Greaters hadn't detected them. Yet.
Looking like they were gonna have to add nearly a week to their trip and maybe run out of food before they reached Kistalfer and, with the wind at their faces carrying their scent, they might draw the monsters down on themselves regardless. Rare was the Vatyn not shedding a brisk breeze from its surface onto the coastal highlands. Taipan had told him that these trade winds were a godsend, bringing rapid transport by sail across the inland sea that bisected the continent. Currently, those same winds of good fortune were creating a Catch-22.
Back with his now resting wife, who was meditating and lamenting her unwillingness to learn her Mother Bathe's techniques for mana circulation that might facilitate her own pinnacle body's natural healing, they again came to a meeting of minds.
As Ulric lowered himself to sit by his Shadow, he confided with a despairing chuckle, "We're completely boned, Lass."
Taipan, veteran of the tricks that was roving out into the deep wilds smiled and nodded her agreement, having said that very thing not so long ago this day.
"If it were just me and you, it'd be fine. I could carry you fast enough to outpace those things, for long enough to make Kistalfer, according to your judgment about our position." The Glade Chief summarized, "And, if needs be, I could spread flames across that whole valley and we could just hide in an improvised cave made from [Stone Walls] until the toxic spores got carried off in the wind."
A dip of her delicate chin preceded her completion of his thoughts, in voice pitched low so that their refugees didn't hear, "But the wounded Orlethrem." She said.
He signed "Yep." with resignation. There was just no way to keep them all safe from a cloud of poison or to flee with so many injured folk, and even the ones who were relatively mobile were just beat to shit and still recovering from the starvation.
Abandoning his wards was not an option. If Ulric could do that, he wouldn't be in this mess to begin with, he'd have ignored a bunch of thugs hauling an Elf child through his forest and gone back to scratching a living out of the glade before being, eventually, eaten by something nastier than he was then.
"That fairly well brings us to something I had considered earlier and, because you got mad at me for doing dangerous stuff earlier, did not mention." Ulric intoned steadily.
There was a door number three. If attacking the things was a bad idea, because they couldn't possibly defend all the Elves, and going around was basically the same as feeding them to the monsters themselves with extra steps, then the third option was to get the monsters to leave on their own. Fire wasn't going to work, since it berserked the bastards into releasing a toxic plume. But what about food? A little hint of something to eat might draw the creatures off, pull them out of the way, like a cork from a bottle so that the convoy could slip through.
"I'll let the creatures become aware of my scent and draw them into following me, leading them away and allowing the rest of you to make your way across this valley and to the safety of Kistalfer."
Emerald gimlets narrowed to slits and strong hands clenched around the hilt of her belt knife at his words. Clearly, she was about as happy at his suggestion as he was. Which was funny, in a way, because she'd once considered disposing of him by a similar ploy back when she wanted him murdered to free herself of her bond. How times be a changing.
"You cannot do this, Ulric. I will not let you." Declared the Elf to the Human.
"All you gotta do to stop me is just give me a better idea, Taipan. Anything at all." He responded firmly.
The thing about responsibility is that it stays with you, even when it sucks. Especially when it sucks. A man who drops his burdens just because the hill starts to get steep shouldn't have picked them up to begin with, because now people are counting on him to get to the finish line.
Realistically, the Elf woman was the better choice of the two for the sort of maneuver he had in mind and, before her injuries, Ulric wouldn't even have been that concerned that she could pull it off. But not with a rack of busted ribs, a mild hairline fracture of femur, and some fairly substantial bruising along her leg, the deep kind that made muscles not work right, on account of the tissue fibers were all mashed up and the blood vessels feeding them had leaked under blunt force trauma, swelling her thigh to nearly twice its normal thickness.
Or was it thiccness? Stop it Einar, you're Being Serious Now.
No solution was forthcoming. They both knew it was the best option. Had she been firing on all cylinders, Ulric had little doubt that she would already have volunteered this plan and argued staunchly as he did. And he would have rejected it for similar reason until being, eventually, won over by it being the only real choice that they had. Just like she was. Eventually. The Twins had fallen low before he managed to convince her.
"Damnit lady, I didn't do all this to get those sorry bastards over there eaten!" Ulric growled, at his wit's end.
Scowling, his mate snapped back, said something that was both everything he wanted to hear and terribly cold for its truth: "And I would not trade all of their lives for yours. Not if I had to cut their throats my own self."
A man would starve trying to subsist on nice from Taipan. Just as it wasn't much in himself, either. Not that he was laying any kind of judgment on her for that position though, if that were the choice, he'd do the same on her account. Saving these Elves was a priority, from sheer decency and also from the pragmatic need to keep them from being turned into weapons of mass destruction. But they did not even slightly tip the balance compared to Taipan in his heart and, a bastard he might be, but he was also an honest one and would admit it.
Ulric knew that they were not at an impasse. Her own injuries put her in the camp with those unable to flee at speed and there was only one way manifest to solve this particular problem. Somebody had to lure those monsters away and the only somebody around here that could do it was the guy wearing the bones of an ancient beast.
He cheated and went over to where the ruffled Iriel'en sat and he took her in a firm embrace, breathing in the smell of her. She only resisted a bit before relaxing into him and he felt her arms circle him to return his comfort. They stayed like that for a few minutes before the grip tightened on his ribs and he received his marching orders in the form of an intense whisper into his ears.
"You will lead the monsters South and East for exactly one hour. Then you will place flame between yourself and the chasing beasts, driving them away. Then you will circle back North and East to meet us on the other side of the valley, where we can make fires to delay the advancing nursery, if it tries to follow. You will not die, or do anything stupid, and I will have your oath on it Ulric Einar, [Lord of the Ancient Glade]."
"Define stupid." Ulric lawyered, rubbing his forehead against hers and trying to memorize the feel of her against him, just in case.
She bit him on the neck. Gently though, so her heart wasn't in it.
Thusly warned, Ulric gave his oath.
"Did you have to fondle my chest while you swore, Ulric?" Taipan asked of him.
"No, dear Shadow," he nonchalantly said, still not having released the idols of his worship, "Just giving myself some motivation to not get caught and eaten."
She rolled those lovely eyes at him and let him have his fun. And what fun. They couldn't lay together, not with her side all banged up and the heavily bruised thigh, but tomorrow was going to be a fucking nightmare and they both could use the skinship. Besides, if you can't cop a feel of your willing, hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell wife then what was even the point of living?
Fires burned low in rock lined pits across the barren highland plateau, cut from scraggly wind tortured trees. The Orlethrem pilgrims, journeying back towards sanctuary huddled in their groups, mourning the most recent losses and comforting their peers. The only sound was the ever gusting Vatyn sea breeze. An evening meal was taken, heartier than usual in recognizance that this gambit would require everyone to have a much strength as possible. Tomorrow, a great deed would be done, a flight that would test them. Ulric spent the night with his mate reclined against his chest, and they spoke little. Words weren't so necessary between them in times like this. Just being there was enough to satisfy two peoples that had once embraced near total solitude.
Oddly enough, he slept like a baby. There was a time when the off the cuff words of a coworker or supervisor had cost him precious shut eye. It was enough to draw a chuckle from him when he considered how little any of that shit had ever mattered to anyone but him. In any case, there was no hurry to rise, to dress and armor himself, and to prepare their breakfast.
Taipan would lead the caravan of her cousins through the dell, once he had cleared it of the nursery of Fell Flowers. The plan, such as it was, was simplicity itself: Ulric would circle South, approaching the valley from the plateau's high ground. From there, he would draw the monsters in and kill a few of them, thus provoking the entire mass of botanical death into giving chase. Then would come the fun part, where he fled as rapidly as possible, pulling the monsters like a stopper from a bottle. The trick was, once the floral beasts had his scent they would not give up their prey so he had to come up with a plan to shed them and rejoin his wife and her kin on the other side of the valley.
No big deal right? Ulric asked himself ironically. Riiiight, sure thing buddy, he replied to his own snark.
Things were fairly well set in stone so the pair of them decided to fill in the refugees and let them know which way the wind blew, an appropriate phrasing, on account of that was more or less the problem. They spent a few minutes getting the Orlethrem situated into a loose gaggle, ready to move, before presenting themselves before their wards. Once, Ulric had taken under his wing a single injured child. Now, he had well over a hundred and fifty individuals from adolescent up to middle age. There were no young children or older adults because they'd succumbed fastest to the torturer's attentions, which made Ulric's blood boil just thinking about as he looked over the massed peoples. For a moment he surveyed the assembly and, without preamble, told them what was up.
"We have a problem ahead, which could well spell the end of every single one of us," Ulric began, his baritone sounding loud over the mostly flat shelf of grass, scrub and rock, "There lies only a kilometer or so away a nursery of [Gilded Queen's Rose], and it is nearly completely mature, or so I have been informed by my partner here, who is among the few that have faced such creatures and lived."
He indicated Taipan, who took over for him with her characteristic brisk intensity.
"My Glade Chief speaks truth. It is a mature colony with a fully flowered adult and we cannot go around it for fear of your ailments, wounds, and general smell of vulnerability drawing more beasts down on us, so far a detour would we needs make to avoid the trade winds carrying our scents to the nursery and spelling all of your dooms." Announced the former princess of the Deep Wood.
The crowd shared worried looks but remained silent, resigned to their lot as dependents. Elves were nothing if not realists. They knew the score here, better than anyone.
Carrying on, Ulric's doting wife revealed their plans, with her usual compassion.
"Because he is unwilling to abandon you all to your fates here or to bring the knife to bear himself, my idiot mate has decided that he will draw the monsters into pursuit, leading them away, as may be the chosen course of a madman or a drooling fool." Spoke his adoring Taipan, anger seeping into her words.
A few smiles broke out as her scathing opinion of his plan made itself known.
A few of the young women near the front, because Elves are assholes, mustered the energy to heckle the pair of them, the first speaking loudly enough to be heard by the crowd, observing "Let us hope the Valin runs better than he washes, his stink will have them chasing for weeks!" while the next crudely declared "Perhaps we will be allowed a night's sleep free from our cousin's love songs, her voice is sweet but so very loud."
Which was unfair. Ulric only smelled as badly as the rest of them, and at least he didn't need somebody to clean his wounds for him or haul him around on a wagon. And besides, as many of them as were able, and some that probably ought not be, were also guilty of bumping the uglies and they weren't exactly quiet about it. Jerk ass pointy eared dicks.
Clearing his throat loudly, Ulric took over the announcements before his Shadow could further make her displeasure with him public record and to get this over with. If he let her go on this would devolve into a fiasco, which it sort of already was.
"Yes, thank you Wife, your generous spirit warms my bones and your kin are simply drowning in gratitude. " He commented sidelong at his partner, before gathering himself to address the Orlethrem.
"There are no good options, and so I have chosen the one that has the highest chance to succeed, as any reasonable person would do. Once I have the attention of the monsters, I will draw them away from the dell where they reside and you lot will, with my dearest Heart at the helm, push through with as great a haste as can be made, towards the city Kistalfer, which lies ahead not so many leagues. I will rejoin you when I have either dispatched the monsters or broken from their hunt, hopefully well before we exit these highlands, let alone make sight of Kistalfer's walls." Ulric called to the gathering.
For this perilous and selfless act of courage Ulric received the following benediction from one of his graceful pilgrims: "We will remember your bravery over our cups and wish that your spirit find its deserving rest!"
A young male inquired, "How long is Valin mourning custom before one may court the widow?" before they were immediately challenged by another, "Not that it matters for you, Dagred! You would sooner flap your ears and take flight before she would spend on you, her favor."
Taipan scowled when a reclined form shouted, "Have I gone worms in the head?! This is the best they could come up with? The Treesleeper's audacity has infected her mate."
Her hands landed on her hips and she leaned forward, ignoring the flare from her ribs as she called out "Silence, you [Bark Weasels]! This is our course and you will like it! Give thanks to my gentle Valin, my vote was to cut your throats while you slept and raise a monument later!"
Loud raspberries greeted her from the peanut gallery.
Ulric was now completely certain that the Aes'r couldn't find a fuck to give with all the King's horses and all King's men. He had to respect that kind of chutzpah.
"Alright, alright," Ulric interjected, before his Shadow started a riot, "She wasn't really going to cut your throats, and neither will I or I'd have just set you all on fire a week ago."
Running a hand over his face to regain some semblance of poise, the human tried to finish his Elf wrangling and go do something more fun, like bait heinous plant monsters into following him across the wilderness.
"Look, this is what it is and I don't care if any of you like it. If I thought I could feed one of you to the fucking flowers and get the rest of you across the valley I'd do it. Since that isn't an option, and everybody else is too godsdamned slow or crippled, or fucking, whatever, then it falls to me and the lot of you can kiss mine hairy, sculpted ass!"
Clearly, he'd failed to maintain decorum, the razzing of the crowd and his own wife proving too distracting.
"Hair aside, it is a rather fine rump, is it not?" Questioned one Elf thoughtfully, and an agreeing murmur sounded throughout the crowd.
Ulric sighed, before turning to his mate and saying simply, "Welp! I'm gonna go fight monsters, you deal with these assholes now."
With that he fled the field, heading South to pull the nursery of photosynthetic predators out of their nesting ground. His boots clicked audibly against the stones but there was no avoiding that at his rate of speed and, in any case, the point of this was to draw attention.
The retied shoulder pauldron wasn't exactly a perfect fit but it'd do, and the rest of his armor was as impressive as ever, its [Forest Lord] bone plates secured to the under armor and chain mail filling gaps in the plates to keep sharp claws, arrows, or whatever else from slipping between the plates. Xef'tocht was secured in its sheath and Ulric was very much hoping he never got close enough to the beasties to need to use it. He had no doubt the weapon would cleave through the tough vines and resist well the bite of their acid but the rest of him would not be so fortunate. Uldin's armor was probably as good a barrier as he'd get but any liquid that got to flesh was going to fuck him up proper, a piranha solution was the next thing to lava so far as its effects on organic matter. Ulric had some slight poison immunity, thanks to the sheer robustness of his body, that constitution stat coming into play, but he had no illusions about the limitations of such things.
No sir, the objective here was to Stay the Fuck Away from these creatures and get them to follow him just long enough to let the caravan pass through this little valley. Shouldn't be too hard, Taipan said he could outpace the creatures by a fair margin with a decent head start. But. Varda had surprised him before.
Which was why he'd be keeping Werona's catalyst gift handy for sure. His own flame magics were fairly good, packed plenty of punch, but there was a difference between what a generalist manages to whomp up compared to a specialist. Adept Autumnclaw was a savant with creating ash plumes of devastating thermal potency. Her instructions on heat distribution, isolation, and the manipulation of Incendere were invaluable to him and had impressed upon him the dedication to her craft that she'd possessed.
She was as close to a thermodynamics doctorate as he'd met in this world.
Which fact reminded him, Ulric hadn't completely abandoned the idea of experimenting with a new spell form to deal with his current problem. A wide area of effect spell to complement his rather penetrating repetouir was an oversight that he'd been long overdue.
“Whatever you do, go big. Don’t short dick this.” The Reforged warned himself.
It was a gamble, a game of bones that was life upon the surface of wyrd, wonderful Varda. Hopefully it did what he wanted it to. If not, fuck it, he'd run like, well, like a horde of carnivorous plants as big as a damn palm tree were hot on his tail.
Gods what a grand old time was adventuring.
He watched for a few minutes longer, observing, soaking in the sight of a Greater beast spawning more of itself to go forth one day and feast on the unprepared or unwary that traveled Varda's wild places. No good idea came to him other than the first one: Kill it with fire. But how?
Lightning was great for a very localized fuck this guy in particular kind of magic but that down there was going to require a broader stroke to do the job. Now that he'd seen what awaited, he was going to go ahead and veto the whole new spell idea.
Unless it was an absolute humdinger.
Whatever he did here had to work the first time, there would be no second chances. Similarly, there was no way he'd even consider trying to fight those monsters heads up, they'd probably eat him alive and everybody else on this little plateau. The only reason they hadn't already was that the floral Greaters hadn't detected them. Yet.
Looking like they were gonna have to add nearly a week to their trip and maybe run out of food before they reached Kistalfer and, with the wind at their faces carrying their scent, they might draw the monsters down on themselves regardless. Rare was the Vatyn not shedding a brisk breeze from its surface onto the coastal highlands. Taipan had told him that these trade winds were a godsend, bringing rapid transport by sail across the inland sea that bisected the continent. Currently, those same winds of good fortune were creating a Catch-22.
Back with his now resting wife, who was meditating and lamenting her unwillingness to learn her Mother Bathe's techniques for mana circulation that might facilitate her own pinnacle body's natural healing, they again came to a meeting of minds.
As Ulric lowered himself to sit by his Shadow, he confided with a despairing chuckle, "We're completely boned, Lass."
Taipan, veteran of the tricks that was roving out into the deep wilds smiled and nodded her agreement, having said that very thing not so long ago this day.
"If it were just me and you, it'd be fine. I could carry you fast enough to outpace those things, for long enough to make Kistalfer, according to your judgment about our position." The Glade Chief summarized, "And, if needs be, I could spread flames across that whole valley and we could just hide in an improvised cave made from [Stone Walls] until the toxic spores got carried off in the wind."
A dip of her delicate chin preceded her completion of his thoughts, in voice pitched low so that their refugees didn't hear, "But the wounded Orlethrem." She said.
He signed "Yep." with resignation. There was just no way to keep them all safe from a cloud of poison or to flee with so many injured folk, and even the ones who were relatively mobile were just beat to shit and still recovering from the starvation.
Abandoning his wards was not an option. If Ulric could do that, he wouldn't be in this mess to begin with, he'd have ignored a bunch of thugs hauling an Elf child through his forest and gone back to scratching a living out of the glade before being, eventually, eaten by something nastier than he was then.
"That fairly well brings us to something I had considered earlier and, because you got mad at me for doing dangerous stuff earlier, did not mention." Ulric intoned steadily.
There was a door number three. If attacking the things was a bad idea, because they couldn't possibly defend all the Elves, and going around was basically the same as feeding them to the monsters themselves with extra steps, then the third option was to get the monsters to leave on their own. Fire wasn't going to work, since it berserked the bastards into releasing a toxic plume. But what about food? A little hint of something to eat might draw the creatures off, pull them out of the way, like a cork from a bottle so that the convoy could slip through.
"I'll let the creatures become aware of my scent and draw them into following me, leading them away and allowing the rest of you to make your way across this valley and to the safety of Kistalfer."
Emerald gimlets narrowed to slits and strong hands clenched around the hilt of her belt knife at his words. Clearly, she was about as happy at his suggestion as he was. Which was funny, in a way, because she'd once considered disposing of him by a similar ploy back when she wanted him murdered to free herself of her bond. How times be a changing.
"You cannot do this, Ulric. I will not let you." Declared the Elf to the Human.
"All you gotta do to stop me is just give me a better idea, Taipan. Anything at all." He responded firmly.
The thing about responsibility is that it stays with you, even when it sucks. Especially when it sucks. A man who drops his burdens just because the hill starts to get steep shouldn't have picked them up to begin with, because now people are counting on him to get to the finish line.
Realistically, the Elf woman was the better choice of the two for the sort of maneuver he had in mind and, before her injuries, Ulric wouldn't even have been that concerned that she could pull it off. But not with a rack of busted ribs, a mild hairline fracture of femur, and some fairly substantial bruising along her leg, the deep kind that made muscles not work right, on account of the tissue fibers were all mashed up and the blood vessels feeding them had leaked under blunt force trauma, swelling her thigh to nearly twice its normal thickness.
Or was it thiccness? Stop it Einar, you're Being Serious Now.
No solution was forthcoming. They both knew it was the best option. Had she been firing on all cylinders, Ulric had little doubt that she would already have volunteered this plan and argued staunchly as he did. And he would have rejected it for similar reason until being, eventually, won over by it being the only real choice that they had. Just like she was. Eventually. The Twins had fallen low before he managed to convince her.
"Damnit lady, I didn't do all this to get those sorry bastards over there eaten!" Ulric growled, at his wit's end.
Scowling, his mate snapped back, said something that was both everything he wanted to hear and terribly cold for its truth: "And I would not trade all of their lives for yours. Not if I had to cut their throats my own self."
A man would starve trying to subsist on nice from Taipan. Just as it wasn't much in himself, either. Not that he was laying any kind of judgment on her for that position though, if that were the choice, he'd do the same on her account. Saving these Elves was a priority, from sheer decency and also from the pragmatic need to keep them from being turned into weapons of mass destruction. But they did not even slightly tip the balance compared to Taipan in his heart and, a bastard he might be, but he was also an honest one and would admit it.
Ulric knew that they were not at an impasse. Her own injuries put her in the camp with those unable to flee at speed and there was only one way manifest to solve this particular problem. Somebody had to lure those monsters away and the only somebody around here that could do it was the guy wearing the bones of an ancient beast.
He cheated and went over to where the ruffled Iriel'en sat and he took her in a firm embrace, breathing in the smell of her. She only resisted a bit before relaxing into him and he felt her arms circle him to return his comfort. They stayed like that for a few minutes before the grip tightened on his ribs and he received his marching orders in the form of an intense whisper into his ears.
"You will lead the monsters South and East for exactly one hour. Then you will place flame between yourself and the chasing beasts, driving them away. Then you will circle back North and East to meet us on the other side of the valley, where we can make fires to delay the advancing nursery, if it tries to follow. You will not die, or do anything stupid, and I will have your oath on it Ulric Einar, [Lord of the Ancient Glade]."
"Define stupid." Ulric lawyered, rubbing his forehead against hers and trying to memorize the feel of her against him, just in case.
She bit him on the neck. Gently though, so her heart wasn't in it.
Thusly warned, Ulric gave his oath.
"Did you have to fondle my chest while you swore, Ulric?" Taipan asked of him.
"No, dear Shadow," he nonchalantly said, still not having released the idols of his worship, "Just giving myself some motivation to not get caught and eaten."
She rolled those lovely eyes at him and let him have his fun. And what fun. They couldn't lay together, not with her side all banged up and the heavily bruised thigh, but tomorrow was going to be a fucking nightmare and they both could use the skinship. Besides, if you can't cop a feel of your willing, hotter than the hinges on the gates of hell wife then what was even the point of living?
Fires burned low in rock lined pits across the barren highland plateau, cut from scraggly wind tortured trees. The Orlethrem pilgrims, journeying back towards sanctuary huddled in their groups, mourning the most recent losses and comforting their peers. The only sound was the ever gusting Vatyn sea breeze. An evening meal was taken, heartier than usual in recognizance that this gambit would require everyone to have a much strength as possible. Tomorrow, a great deed would be done, a flight that would test them. Ulric spent the night with his mate reclined against his chest, and they spoke little. Words weren't so necessary between them in times like this. Just being there was enough to satisfy two peoples that had once embraced near total solitude.
Oddly enough, he slept like a baby. There was a time when the off the cuff words of a coworker or supervisor had cost him precious shut eye. It was enough to draw a chuckle from him when he considered how little any of that shit had ever mattered to anyone but him. In any case, there was no hurry to rise, to dress and armor himself, and to prepare their breakfast.
Taipan would lead the caravan of her cousins through the dell, once he had cleared it of the nursery of Fell Flowers. The plan, such as it was, was simplicity itself: Ulric would circle South, approaching the valley from the plateau's high ground. From there, he would draw the monsters in and kill a few of them, thus provoking the entire mass of botanical death into giving chase. Then would come the fun part, where he fled as rapidly as possible, pulling the monsters like a stopper from a bottle. The trick was, once the floral beasts had his scent they would not give up their prey so he had to come up with a plan to shed them and rejoin his wife and her kin on the other side of the valley.
No big deal right? Ulric asked himself ironically. Riiiight, sure thing buddy, he replied to his own snark.
Things were fairly well set in stone so the pair of them decided to fill in the refugees and let them know which way the wind blew, an appropriate phrasing, on account of that was more or less the problem. They spent a few minutes getting the Orlethrem situated into a loose gaggle, ready to move, before presenting themselves before their wards. Once, Ulric had taken under his wing a single injured child. Now, he had well over a hundred and fifty individuals from adolescent up to middle age. There were no young children or older adults because they'd succumbed fastest to the torturer's attentions, which made Ulric's blood boil just thinking about as he looked over the massed peoples. For a moment he surveyed the assembly and, without preamble, told them what was up.
"We have a problem ahead, which could well spell the end of every single one of us," Ulric began, his baritone sounding loud over the mostly flat shelf of grass, scrub and rock, "There lies only a kilometer or so away a nursery of [Gilded Queen's Rose], and it is nearly completely mature, or so I have been informed by my partner here, who is among the few that have faced such creatures and lived."
He indicated Taipan, who took over for him with her characteristic brisk intensity.
"My Glade Chief speaks truth. It is a mature colony with a fully flowered adult and we cannot go around it for fear of your ailments, wounds, and general smell of vulnerability drawing more beasts down on us, so far a detour would we needs make to avoid the trade winds carrying our scents to the nursery and spelling all of your dooms." Announced the former princess of the Deep Wood.
The crowd shared worried looks but remained silent, resigned to their lot as dependents. Elves were nothing if not realists. They knew the score here, better than anyone.
Carrying on, Ulric's doting wife revealed their plans, with her usual compassion.
"Because he is unwilling to abandon you all to your fates here or to bring the knife to bear himself, my idiot mate has decided that he will draw the monsters into pursuit, leading them away, as may be the chosen course of a madman or a drooling fool." Spoke his adoring Taipan, anger seeping into her words.
A few smiles broke out as her scathing opinion of his plan made itself known.
A few of the young women near the front, because Elves are assholes, mustered the energy to heckle the pair of them, the first speaking loudly enough to be heard by the crowd, observing "Let us hope the Valin runs better than he washes, his stink will have them chasing for weeks!" while the next crudely declared "Perhaps we will be allowed a night's sleep free from our cousin's love songs, her voice is sweet but so very loud."
Which was unfair. Ulric only smelled as badly as the rest of them, and at least he didn't need somebody to clean his wounds for him or haul him around on a wagon. And besides, as many of them as were able, and some that probably ought not be, were also guilty of bumping the uglies and they weren't exactly quiet about it. Jerk ass pointy eared dicks.
Clearing his throat loudly, Ulric took over the announcements before his Shadow could further make her displeasure with him public record and to get this over with. If he let her go on this would devolve into a fiasco, which it sort of already was.
"Yes, thank you Wife, your generous spirit warms my bones and your kin are simply drowning in gratitude. " He commented sidelong at his partner, before gathering himself to address the Orlethrem.
"There are no good options, and so I have chosen the one that has the highest chance to succeed, as any reasonable person would do. Once I have the attention of the monsters, I will draw them away from the dell where they reside and you lot will, with my dearest Heart at the helm, push through with as great a haste as can be made, towards the city Kistalfer, which lies ahead not so many leagues. I will rejoin you when I have either dispatched the monsters or broken from their hunt, hopefully well before we exit these highlands, let alone make sight of Kistalfer's walls." Ulric called to the gathering.
For this perilous and selfless act of courage Ulric received the following benediction from one of his graceful pilgrims: "We will remember your bravery over our cups and wish that your spirit find its deserving rest!"
A young male inquired, "How long is Valin mourning custom before one may court the widow?" before they were immediately challenged by another, "Not that it matters for you, Dagred! You would sooner flap your ears and take flight before she would spend on you, her favor."
Taipan scowled when a reclined form shouted, "Have I gone worms in the head?! This is the best they could come up with? The Treesleeper's audacity has infected her mate."
Her hands landed on her hips and she leaned forward, ignoring the flare from her ribs as she called out "Silence, you [Bark Weasels]! This is our course and you will like it! Give thanks to my gentle Valin, my vote was to cut your throats while you slept and raise a monument later!"
Loud raspberries greeted her from the peanut gallery.
Ulric was now completely certain that the Aes'r couldn't find a fuck to give with all the King's horses and all King's men. He had to respect that kind of chutzpah.
"Alright, alright," Ulric interjected, before his Shadow started a riot, "She wasn't really going to cut your throats, and neither will I or I'd have just set you all on fire a week ago."
Running a hand over his face to regain some semblance of poise, the human tried to finish his Elf wrangling and go do something more fun, like bait heinous plant monsters into following him across the wilderness.
"Look, this is what it is and I don't care if any of you like it. If I thought I could feed one of you to the fucking flowers and get the rest of you across the valley I'd do it. Since that isn't an option, and everybody else is too godsdamned slow or crippled, or fucking, whatever, then it falls to me and the lot of you can kiss mine hairy, sculpted ass!"
Clearly, he'd failed to maintain decorum, the razzing of the crowd and his own wife proving too distracting.
"Hair aside, it is a rather fine rump, is it not?" Questioned one Elf thoughtfully, and an agreeing murmur sounded throughout the crowd.
Ulric sighed, before turning to his mate and saying simply, "Welp! I'm gonna go fight monsters, you deal with these assholes now."
With that he fled the field, heading South to pull the nursery of photosynthetic predators out of their nesting ground. His boots clicked audibly against the stones but there was no avoiding that at his rate of speed and, in any case, the point of this was to draw attention.
The retied shoulder pauldron wasn't exactly a perfect fit but it'd do, and the rest of his armor was as impressive as ever, its [Forest Lord] bone plates secured to the under armor and chain mail filling gaps in the plates to keep sharp claws, arrows, or whatever else from slipping between the plates. Xef'tocht was secured in its sheath and Ulric was very much hoping he never got close enough to the beasties to need to use it. He had no doubt the weapon would cleave through the tough vines and resist well the bite of their acid but the rest of him would not be so fortunate. Uldin's armor was probably as good a barrier as he'd get but any liquid that got to flesh was going to fuck him up proper, a piranha solution was the next thing to lava so far as its effects on organic matter. Ulric had some slight poison immunity, thanks to the sheer robustness of his body, that constitution stat coming into play, but he had no illusions about the limitations of such things.
No sir, the objective here was to Stay the Fuck Away from these creatures and get them to follow him just long enough to let the caravan pass through this little valley. Shouldn't be too hard, Taipan said he could outpace the creatures by a fair margin with a decent head start. But. Varda had surprised him before.
Which was why he'd be keeping Werona's catalyst gift handy for sure. His own flame magics were fairly good, packed plenty of punch, but there was a difference between what a generalist manages to whomp up compared to a specialist. Adept Autumnclaw was a savant with creating ash plumes of devastating thermal potency. Her instructions on heat distribution, isolation, and the manipulation of Incendere were invaluable to him and had impressed upon him the dedication to her craft that she'd possessed.
She was as close to a thermodynamics doctorate as he'd met in this world.
Which fact reminded him, Ulric hadn't completely abandoned the idea of experimenting with a new spell form to deal with his current problem. A wide area of effect spell to complement his rather penetrating repetouir was an oversight that he'd been long overdue.
“Whatever you do, go big. Don’t short dick this.” The Reforged warned himself.
It was a gamble, a game of bones that was life upon the surface of wyrd, wonderful Varda. Hopefully it did what he wanted it to. If not, fuck it, he'd run like, well, like a horde of carnivorous plants as big as a damn palm tree were hot on his tail.
Gods what a grand old time was adventuring.
